I've never been this depressed in a long time. Well, I remember being this way a few weeks ago, or was it two weeks? I don't know but I feel like everything in my life is going wrong right now all at once. No more $300 a week unemployment pay. I'm back to getting only $224 every two weeks and my cunt ass whore "mother" is getting on my ass about paying the cable/internet this month, which would be $193, meaning no more talking to Colin. I honestly don't even know if I want to talk to him anymore. I feel like he doesn't pay attention to me anymore during our sessions. My words go in one ear and out the other and when I talk to him, the majority of the time, he's not even looking at me, he's looking down messing with his phone or iPad or something and I'm just talking to myself. It's really fucking rude and I can't stand to be ignored like this anymore. I feel like I'm not worth his time anymore. And if he wants to be like that then fine. That's fine. Maybe I can conjure him up in the wonderland or in a fanfiction and talk to him there. With this lack of money, I can't afford to be doing this Zoom thing every week anymore anyway and that's only going to send my mood further downhill. At least for a little while until I get over it, and accept the fact that things aren't going to change. Maybe it's for the best, but I'm so suicidal right now and I really wish I had someone to talk to, someone who genuinely cares about my happiness. Sure, I have Damon and Christian, and Hyde and Dom but. . .it's just not enough anymore. We aren't getting any government assistance. No one is. America is one of the worst countries now because no one cares about the people anymore, or that we're suffering with no money and no one is coming to our aide. It's like we're stranded on a deserted island with no way home and we have to use whatever is around us in order to survive. I'm just going to have to keep praying to God for more money like I used to. It worked before, but after the way I've been behaving lately ( WITH GOOD REASON ), I doubt he'll answer my prayer this time or do anything for me again. Plus, I'm going to be losing my food stamps soon, if I haven't already since I don't know how to renew them and fill the form out online. I just want to hang or stab myself or overdose so I can finally be free. The two things I want most in the world right now are more money and for my bitch ass cunt whore nasty aunt to leave, never to be seen again. That bitch has been pissing me off so much being here, leaving her shit (literally) all over my bathroom. Pretty soon, I'm going to have to resort to using the bathroom outside like a dog. It's better than sitting in shit.
I was going to get on here and make a big ole long post about what I've been up to and how much Colin turned me on when he and I read my short story last week and he played Aiden, but I'm just not up to it right now. It will only depress me, especially because I had my heart set on doing more of it with him this week and letting him see me in my sexy new leopard print chemise. I'm gonna miss him soo much. :( But I'll get over it. . .eventually. My heart is already starting to hurt at the thought of being without him, and my eyes are welling up with tears. Oh joy, here come more tears and crying. Technically, I have over $300 in my account right now but like I said, I can't be shelling out $175 every week. That's a huge chunk of my money right now, and if I were to do it this week, I can't do it next week too. He'll forget about me and move on. Just like I will. He doesn't think of me when he's not talking to me anyway. He told me so. He's far too busy with all his other shit. It hurts, but. . .that's how celebrities are, unfortunately. Goodbye Colin. . .I hope you enjoyed all my singing and writing, and the acting we did together, and all the times I made you smile and laugh. You once said that I'm not boring, but lately, that doesn't seem like the truth anymore. Actions speak louder than words and yours are screaming at me that I'm a worthless waste of time. It's my money you like. Not talking to me. Until we meet again. Have a nice life, Mr. Egglesfield.
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