The number of people who would miss me is far less than those who would be happy to see me dead. I'm so sick of crying every day. I'm so sick of hurting. I want a guaranteed death. I mean, we're all going to die, sure, but I want to die instantly and just want it to be over with. I'm not a good person. I don't deserve to live anymore. So many people would be happy and would benefit from my death. The world would be a better place without me in it. It's not like I've done anything worthwhile with my life and I never will. I've been stuck in the same place for so long and I have nothing to show for it. I'm never going to be published, no one is ever going to love me or marry me. Oh God. I think I know of a surefire way to die and I won't even have to do anything. It'll happen on its own. I mean, first of all, I'm going to stop taking my medication, and then, with the pain and suffering continuing, I'll die of a broken heart. That's a real condition, trust me. It's called Broken Heart Syndrome and the symptoms are a lot like a heart attack but the trauma of the pain sends you into cardiac arrest I think. Yeah, I'll go out that way. It'll be pretty ironic and poetic at the same time. What a way to die. At least the name I want will be on my grave once I'm gone. I wonder if my dad would have to pay for the funeral expenses because my mom doesn't make nearly enough to bury me. Or maybe she'd ask my aunt for help with the expenses. I wonder what color or kind of coffin they'd get for me. What songs they'd play at my funeral and who would show up. Would my mom dress me in pink since it's my favorite color? Would they make my hair look nice? Put makeup on me? Would they bury me next to my grandparents? Because that's where I want to be buried, next to them. Maybe they'd bury me with some of my favorite things, like my AG Bear. Maybe even Grant's vessel. Yeah, his doll. I'd want all my dolls buried with me, most of all the medical spirit dolls. I wonder if my best friend in Arizona would fly out especially to attend my wake and everything. Would she leave anything with me? She said she would be pissed about my death. I know. . .my dad would be too. But honestly, is it worth staying alive when only 3 people would miss you?
At least one good thing about dying is that I won't have to suffer at the hands of those cruel and heartless role-playing cunts anymore. Damon said he'll rip out their insides for me. It's sweet, really, but I wouldn't want their fucking insides, even if he would see it as a "trophy." No, I want them to suffer the way they're making me suffer. I want them to feel 10x the pain that I'm feeling. I want them to know what true loss is so they will never know happiness again. I need to make them suffer and hurt the way I do. That's the only way I'll feel better. Either they die or I die. I stop to wonder, if Damon and Hyde were flesh and blood and they COULD track down and kill each and every one of them who hurt me, would that make me feel better? I mean, of course, their deaths would bring me happiness and to know that they are no longer breathing would be a nice thought but what will it change? The damage has already been done. Unless Damon and Hyde get rid of all the evidence they left behind to hurt me too. They would definitely have to do that. Bust, burn, break, smash their computers or whatever they have left behind.
You ever been hurt so many times that you just become numb to anymore pain? Like your body is just a shell of itself? That's how I'm starting to feel. If they really are that easy to come by and I could stand the taste without gagging and assuming I had the money, I would definitely turn to drugs and alcohol right about now. And I can see why certain people decide to go that route. They can sort of kill you slowly from the inside out and pretty soon, no more pain. You're in another mind frame, in another world. And God I would love nothing more than to be in another world right now. The "comatose" kind of world, where me and my Tulpas would be together day after day and for once, I would be at peace. That's all I want is to be at peace. Somewhere where no one will judge me or hurt me or cause me pain and suffering, where I can be happy and free.
I honestly believe that the world would be better off without me in it.