So you remember that job I had? Well, it's gone now. As of the 30th of December, I'm no longer
an employee at that God-forsaken fucking store! Which means no more money, no more seeing my new friends, no more going out and seeing people, chatting with the general public, no more pins on my vest, no more getting away from this bitch aunt of mine and my mom's dying husband, and definitely no more subscription boxes. This whole time that I thought I was getting a regular position, I was sorely mistaken and lied to by HR itself. I might as well just tell you right now where it was. Fucking Wal-Mart. Yeah. . .and get this, they didn't even have the balls or the COMMON DECENCY to tell me in advance when my last day would be, much less call me up or even into the office to tell me I didn't work there anymore. I didn't think so much of it at first when they removed one of my days that week, I just thought "oh, I get an extra day off" but when they removed ALL OF MY UPCOMING WORK DAYS THROUGH THE FIRST WEEK OF JANUARY, I thought that surely it must be a mistake, that maybe there was a glitch in the system ( I read the Reddit/Quota stuff online that mentioned it happening to other people and that it was nothing to worry about. . .usually ) and to ask your TLs or HR about it. I didn't start to panic until I couldn't log into the fucking store app anymore, and it gave me some other error message that it didn't recognize me or some shit, and to contact my administrator. I don't even remember anymore. At that point, I was already assuming that I was fired and that it wasn't a system error or any shit like that. Well, if you know fucking Wal-Mart well enough, you know they RARELY answer their phone when anyone calls the store, but somehow, by some miracle, I managed to get through and spoke with the sales floor manager, who had recently become my friend, and told him about what was going on, but after checking with the TL's up front at the register, they hadn't heard anything about me being fired, nor were they notified, and even so, if I were, he says they would've called me in and sat me down and told me, but that I shouldn't worry about it. That I should just come in and contact Alex in HR or Q the Cashier Coach and find out directly from them what's going on. So, naturally, I had to have my mom take me to go in there that Friday, and Buck & Eddie and I went to the back like we always do and I spoke to Alex. . .and it turns out that those motherfuckers DID decide to let me go. Even after he SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME THE FIRST DAY I GOT HIRED THAT IT WAS A REGULAR POSITION, he had the nerve to tell me there and then that no, it was a "seasonal" position, that they could've chosen to keep me but they decided not to.
WHY?!
BECAUSE I WAS OUT SICK WITH COVID FOR ALMOST A WEEK?! BECAUSE THEY JUST DON'T FUCKING LIKE ME? BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOME UNKNOWN ISSUE WITH ME THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO SAY TO MY FUCKING FACE?
I don't know and to be perfectly honest, I don't even care now because that ship has sailed. I don't care about that anymore, or even writing for that matter. Ever since losing my job, it just feels like everything in my life has been going wrong lately. I've never felt more alone or depressed. And I feel more suicidal than I've ever been but of course, because I know that I would go straight to Hell, I can't exactly do that. Even if technically, this reality has become my own personal Hell. I can't even being to tell you how depressed I've been this past month.
See, there's this new spiritual phenomenon that I discovered almost two weeks ago and I've desperately been trying to accomplish. It's called "shifting realities." Apparently it's a REAL thing that hundreds of people in this world have already done. . .except me. At first, I didn't want to believe it. . .until I saw evidence of it myself but I can't exactly say that I had anything more than a "glimpse", or that I ever will again. After finding out from this Etsy seller what method ( there's a lot of methods to do this ) would make me shift, she recommended I listen to these guided meditation for getting into a "void" state of mind from this one user on YouTube. I was crying a lot that night being discouraged that nothing was working, just like I've been crying lately, but I tried that meditation. I did it once, but when I didn't see any results, I did it a second time and I actually caught a glimpse of a different ceiling above me in the shadows of the room, and also, a different lamp in place of my other lamp at the end of my bed. I was so happy and excited, but it faded. It was only temporary, and ever since then. . .I haven't gotten much of anything anymore. I'm trying every single day, sometimes two times a day, putting my heart and soul into it, giving it my all, really visualizing myself lying on the couch in the living room of the mansion in my DR (desired reality), using all my senses, the 360 vision, thinking good positive thoughts to myself and believing in it with all my conviction and that I can do it. . .and yet. . .nothing. There's certain symptoms that you can get when you're trying and I've gotten a few of them like tingles, twitching, feeling like I'm floating, my breathing increasing, even seeing a flash of white behind my eyes recently but nothing more.
I even started a whole scripting journal with a floorplan of the mansion, and detailed information about the other notable people and places in my DR. I haven't gotten extensively to each of my guys ( Eddie, Buck, Christian, Dom and Damon ). I added a little information about the ME in my DR on the inside cover too along with where I'm shifting to, the month and year, and my "switch" and "safe" words. It was fun for a little while and I liked scripting. . .when I thought I was getting results, but I gave up on it. It seems like a huge waste of time now, scripting. And A LOT of people told me that they don't use scripts and they still are able to shift. I really don't know what to do at this point in time. But I'm really considering just giving up. Why put myself through this when its not leading me anywhere?
You have no idea how much this means to me. There's nothing I want more in life right now than to shift to my desired reality. The reality where I can interact with my guys, and especially Eddie with all of my senses. The reality that all of my fictional characters live in. I know that might sound like just the universe I've created in my own fiction but after discovering this whole "shifting" thing on Etsy, I want to escape this reality, my own personal Hell, and finally, once and for all, be happy. I want to experience happiness for the first time ever in my life. I want to be taken care of, mostly physically (with their medical equipment), but also, emotionally, romantically, and constantly showered with love and affection from the people around me. The people like Eddie & Buck who I hold so dear. I know that if I could just shift once, I would be happy and I would feel as though I actually have a reason for going on living. I need to get out of this reality. I need to be somewhere I can be happy. I don't even care about being published anymore, or writing. This is all I want. Everything would be better. I would feel better. I would be happy for the first time ever and I could stay there as long as I wanted to. I would have everything I needed, all in one place. Everything and everyone I needed.
They say everyone's shifting journey is different, but from what I've seen, it can take months, maybe even years for some people to accomplish this, and I don't have that. I'm barely able to keep going as it is. I can't survive without being in a better place. I mean, yeah, sure, I have my guys here, and believe me, Buck & Eddie are doing everything they can to try and make me feel better, to put a smile on my face every day, but there's only so much they can do when they aren't "concrete." I need someone "concrete." I've apologized to them for wanting that and if I've made them feel like I don't appreciate them and everything they're doing and they say I don't have to apologize, that they genuinely understand, but I feel really bad about it. I know what I need and I've ever prayed to God for it, which is probably something I shouldn't be doing, because he's probably not too happy with me for wanting to shift realities. But I need this. More than anything, I need this. I need to experience this in order to be happy, and it would make my life better. It would make everything better. All of this. . .God probably wants to reply that he and Christ are what I need more in my life.
But I know how much I hurt, how much I've suffered and I really, really want the Lord to understand that this experience, this shifting is what will make me happy right now. It's the only thing that can make me happy because I feel like I'm going to die of a broken heart without it. I know without a fraction of a doubt that if suicide doesn't end my life, a broken heart will. In case you didn't know, "broken heart syndrome" is a thing. And I really think that's how I'm going to die. I know this. I know its going to happen to me. I just have a feeling that that's what's going to end my life. And the only way I won't. . .is to shift realities. That's the only thing that will heal my heart. Eddie & Buck try to heal my heart in their own way. . .even offering to wear their stethoscopes every day to make me smile, Eddie offering to examine me, to listen to my heart. I told him he'd hear a broken heart if he does, even if he insists he won't. He's also been trying to keep my spirits up, to help me stay positive and strong, but it feels like every time I don't see results shifting, it just reiterates what I already know. . .that I'm never going to get any closer to my guys than this. That the only wonderland I can go to is the one I visualize in my mind, the one I can't experience with my senses. And then, of course, there are dreams. I sleep so heavily, I always feel like my dreams are real. There's that. I haven't dreamt about them in a long time though, unfortunately. But when I do, at least I'm happy for a short time, until I wake up. And Eddie attempts to hold me when he lays beside me in bed, or Buck, or Christian. They all attempt to hold me while I cry and soothe me, assuring me that they're here for me. I only wish I could feel their arms around me. Even Buck crawls under my net to lay down on the other side of me and give me a reassuring rub to my leg or my hip. Rubs that I wish I could feel. They're so sweet. They look at me with constant sadness whenever I start crying, or they notice now more than ever when I'm upset or sad. One thing I know would surely happen if I shifted to my DR, is I would burst into happy tears and fall into Eddie's arms the second I see him and he would hold me while I cry and tell him that I'm so happy to finally see, hear and touch him. It would be so amazing.
I'm going to go and get ready for bed now. Eddie suggests I probably should. That I could use some rest. I had cramps today and the meds weren't exactly working. Plus, all this crying tends to wear me out physically so I should go and sleep. I'll try and update again soon. It depends on how depressed I am, but I have to get it out somewhere so I'm sure I'll be back with another depressing post.