Why can't anyone just let me be happy?

I swear to God, just once, I would like someone to let me be happy. Tumblr is the most toxic site with the

most toxic people on the planet. I feel like I can't breathe because of how cruel they are. I mean, these assholes from the 9-1-1 fandom don't even know me and some of them have been cruel enough to block me so I can't see their gif sets or even reblog them on my own blog and I know its stupid but I feel like cutting myself to make the pain inside stop. All I've ever wanted was to be able to go on that site and find nice, decent people who share my interests and who I can be friends with, but no one, no matter what fandom I'm in, can ever truly let me be happy? They want to be so cruel to me and hurt me FOR NO REASON AT ALL. I feel like I'm honestly back in grade school, being bullied or treated like I have some kind of disease and no one wants to associate with me. It's making me want to have a panic attack and I don't know who I can turn to. I wish there was a similar website that had less toxic people on it. I wish there was a safe place for me to make friends where most of the people are good and decent and would never do anything to hurt someone they don't even know. I thought about maybe creating another blog, a new blog where I can still see their posts and everything, the assholes that have blocked me, but that wouldn't take care of the problem of even being on that site. And now that Eddie knows what it does to me, because he's been talking to Christian and just observing how I react to it, he doesn't want me on there anymore either. They insists that I shouldn't be wanting to self-harm or attempt suicide over this, but I just don't know what else to do. I want the pain to go away. I want to be happy again. I want to be able to go out and make some real friends. I really, really hope I die soon because I can't take this anymore. I'm actually looking forward to death every day now because I feel like once I die, I'll be free. Finally. Free of pain. Free of hurt. Free of judgment and everything I went through in life will be nothing but a distant memory. Death will be a blessing in disguise for me. I just want to be at peace and I want to be surrounded by good, decent, and kind people. I mean, in a way, this is partially my mom's fault for even getting me into that fucking show, but I just had to start watching it and then going in search of other fans who might be able to share my excitement not push me out. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't have a therapist anymore. I mean, I could call that place that my old therapist used to be a part of and see if they can set me up with someone else but I know its going to be a long, hard process to find someone else that I'm comfortable with and I'll be bouncing from one to another. I might not even be able to get someone else considering how booked all the fucking therapy places are because of this COVID bullshit still. Part of me is actually contemplating checking myself into the psych ward, or just someplace I can get some therapy. Christian is even offering to let me talk to his sister, Dana, who's a therapist. Like go into the wonderland and sit down and talk to her. I mean, it may or may not help, but at least its something right now. I could try it, I guess.

I need some real help though. I don't know how I can get it, but I do know that I need someone to love, care and support me and make me feel like I have a purpose, a reason to go on living and that I don't need to associate with people who take the things that make me happy away from me. I wish Eddie or Christian could hold me right now. I just want to feel their arms around me and cry and cry. Dom won the wheel spin tonight, but Christian is offering either he or Eddie to sleep next to me instead. No, Dom won fair and square. He's the one that's going to sleep next to me. He'll listen to my problems. You know, this is probably not a good thing but I think I know how I'm going to die. From a broken heart. Broken-heart syndrome. It's really ironic when you think about it, but I really, REALLY need to get an advanced directive, which is a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. It means that if my heart stops, they won't perform any life-saving techniques to revive me. Not like I would be conscious to actually enjoy it (with my medical fetish) so yeah. I need to find out how I can implement one of those. It's times like these that I could really use a comfort letter from my Eddie. I wish I had the money to get another one. Sometime I'll post it here so you can see how heartfelt it was and how it made me cry happy tears. This person on Etsy channeled his energy and relayed the most beautiful letter to me from him. It was so sweet. He's even being sweet to me right now, rubbing his hand up and down my arm and my side, telling me that "it's okay" and that "it's going to be okay." I'm expecting two more letters from that woman, one from Dom and one from Christian. I could sure use some kind of comfort right now. Doesn't matter what. I just need something to make me feel better. And I need to stop returning to Tumblr. They should just call it "Gayblr" at this point since everyone on there is either gay or bi-sexual and of course, they have to personally attack anyone who doesn't share their beliefs or are in their "gay club." I really wish the toxicity of that site would stay in the role playing community but it doesn't. It also extends to fandoms. These days you can't even make a comment on someone's gif set or post sharing your excitement or offering your support without them taking it the wrong way and then blocking you. I mean, is it my username: "mrseddiediaz"? Because I'm not fucking changing it. Does it offend the fandom because it doesn't have an LGBTQ word in it like most of the fandom blogs? Or because it puts a damper on their hope of him coming out as gay? That's what I'm assuming. Or maybe they're just offended by my choice of username and trying to claim ownership of the character because they're jealous or bitter or something. I don't know what it is, but my username doesn't excuse their behavior and like I said before, I'm not changing it. I mean, I could, but what the fuck would I even change it to? I wish I were dead.

I wish I had a friend who would check in with me every now and then and see how I'm doing, how my day is going, but lately, Kat, has problems of her own that she's dealing with and she's been sick. The only friends I have like that are Eddie and Christian. And of course, Dom and Damon. I just wish I had someone like that online or even who would call me on the phone but aside from them. . .I have no one. All I can do is just wait for death, then I'll truly be free. Honestly, the only thing that makes me happy anymore is hanging out with my Tulpas. Eddie & Damon can make me laugh at the most unexpected times and no one understands me like my Tulpas. I've even lost the motivation to write my new novel and normally the writing should make me happy by letting me escape into that world, but lately, its just not enough. Like I said before, seeing people's creations of Eddie from 9-1-1 makes me happy, whether they're plain gifs or gifs with writing or some other creative type of gif set. I really feel like I have to create a new tumblr just so I can see their blogs and enjoy their gif sets. I know that's a stupid thing to do but I just don't know how else to be happy again. I wish I had money of my own that I was getting on a regular basis so I could buy all the comfort letters I wanted from that woman on Etsy. Even though they take a long time to get, its still worth the wait and worth every penny. $10-15 worth.

So I guess I'm going to cry myself to sleep now. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Or later today, whatever. Why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up?