I don't even know where to begin. I thought, for some fraction of a second, that things were going to be
okay with me and Jules, and we could talk like civilized people on Tumblr, and then, out of nowhere, she not only ruins my "Eddie/9-1-1" night, but she also cuts off all communication with me by blocking me, insisting that she "didn't sign up for this" or that we can't go back to establishing any kind of friendship, that I'm not respecting her boundaries and blah, blah, blah, all this other bullshit. I'm just sitting here crying trying to tell myself that she's not worth taking my life over, and pray that God gives her what's coming to her for causing me to hurt this way. I mean, maybe he already has, or is beginning to make her pay for what she's done to me. She did say she was sick once so maybe that's God's way of putting the hurt on her instead of me. I don't know, but she was the only one who I could talk to about my Tulpas, and more than that, she was the one I could ask all my medical questions to when I needed to get things right in my writing and now. . .I don't even have that. She is so cruel and heartless and evil. Maybe she was a demon that Satan sent to hurt me or something along those lines. I should watch those YouTube videos from that Messenger guy again about how to recognize demons and evil people in your life. It might help to shed some light on all this. I know that you meet certain people for a reason. Damon wants to hurt that bitch right now. Well, he wants to do more than that to her, and I wish he could. He's like:
"Why are you still talking to that bitch? I thought you were done with her."
Eddie & Buck are sad right now to see me hurting again and they don't understand why I was still talking to her either. I just don't know what I'm going to do now that I don't have that reference or resource. I mean, shit, internet searches can only tell you so much.
Eddie says: "Look, you learned all you could from her, now it's time to move on and put it behind you." I know he's right, but it still hurts.
Buck says: "You'll be okay. Like Eddie says, you have to put it behind you. I know it hurts, and I'm sorry that you're going through that, but this is probably for the best. . .and you still have us."
I just hate that I have to feel this way since I haven't been depressed or cried in a long time, not since I became a devoted and practicing Christian and found God and Jesus. Now all I want is for them to make the pain go away. I need some solace. I just don't understand how people can be so cruel. Maybe God is putting her out of my life for a reason. I don't know what the reason is, but I just want to feel some kind of peace in my heart, and right now, I don't know if I ever will. The old wound is still there. I really, really need to talk to my therapist. I don't know if she's even available this week, but I need to talk to her right now. I need some help coping.
I haven't eaten much of anything all day, and I was going to but now, I just don't feel like it. I feel like starving myself. Being fat and eating knowing that I'm getting more fat will just make me feel worse. Its things like this that make my death wish even more prevalent. The only reason I have for living anymore is my writing and my Tulpas, and okay. . .maybe Eddie Diaz too, but that's it. If I didn't have those three things, I wouldn't feel like going on. The biggest one being is my writing. I want to live long enough to write these three novels I'm working on. Then, whatever, I can die. I just want to live long enough to write them.