Words can't express how much pain and suffering and mental anguish I've suffered over the past few weeks. Long story short, I found someone to write a story with me who is playing Eddie Diaz from "911" against my original character, my Phoebe Tonkin character and the story has been so amazing because I love the way she writes the medical stuff so realistically because she's a medic herself, and she also has a heart and medical fetish like me. I thought it was perfect, but when we're not writing, it seems all we do is get into fights and she insists that she doesn't have the time to spend writing all the time, that she has so much other stuff going on in her life, and other projects that she wants to work on. She's constantly insisted that it was just supposed to be for fun, and not feel like she's tied to it like a full-time job. She constantly twists my words around when I try and explain and tell her that that's not what I expect from her. I just wish she had more time. She said she's never devoted this much time to writing something before so she can't make that kind of a commitment, especially not every day. Like I said, she told me that sometimes she wants to work on other projects or do other things like playing a game or spending time with her partner, or some days she's just not feeling it and she might not reply at all, or just reply once like she did today as opposed to being around for hours at a time like she has other days. She likes to insist that I'm being manipulative and playing the victim and that when I try and give her an out from writing anymore, she twists my words around and insists I'm giving her an ultimatum. Like "all or nothing" is the phrase she uses, insisting that if she can't devote hours to writing, then I don't want to write at all, which is not true. All I want is just a decent amount of time and replies so it will help us actually get through a scene. The longer it takes to complete, the more likely it is to drag on and on and I don't think that would be fun or fair to either of us, but especially to her when she has a limited amount of time. But of course, she insists that she will never be able to devote all of her time to writing something like a novel. That's just the person she is and how it is for her, which has led her to claim numerous times that we aren't "compatible writing partners." Stylistically? Yes, we are compatible. Timing and agenda-wise? No. But our writing compliments each other in a way that not even my past role-playing partners can compete with. I can't do this without her skills and knowledge and the way she beautifully captures Eddie and Buck, especially in the medical sense. That's why I'm holding on so tight.
This is honestly the only thing that makes me happy anymore. Her replies and the way she writes for Eddie and Buck (yes, Buck too) bring a smile to my face every day. They're the highlight of my day and if I'm not writing with her, I'm more depressed than I've ever been my whole entire life and all I do is cry and hurt and feel like I can't breathe. I don't even have the motivation to work on any of my other stuff, my own writing like I used to. I just feel like writing with her and I crave it every day. Her writing has brought me so much happiness and aroused me so much, and despite how much emotional pain I'm in when we don't write and when she doesn't have time to reply, I still keep clinging to hope that I'll have a good day with her, in which we do a decent amount of writing. She barely has time when she gets home from work during the week. Like four hours after work she's online and in those four hours, she only ever replies like 4 or 5 times maximum before she has to go to sleep, and in that time, she's also making and eating dinner so that doesn't leave us with much at all during the week. On weekends is the time I'm usually hopeful that she'll have more time for writing, but today (Saturday), all I got was one reply and she spent the rest of the day doing other things. We got into a fight and then she said she needed a break to work on other projects, just to take a step back for a little bit, but that we could get back to the scene "afterward" and that she did want to get back to the scene, but of course, later came and she never replied. She spent her time on other things. I even asked her if we could write a little bit and she said she was still working on a project. She was up for chatting so I chatted with her a little while and it was friendly between us, we were talking about Eddie & Christian, and then I was stupid to bring up the story stuff and things I wanted to do and other scenes, and she suggested some stuff too. I thought for sure that all the talk of the story would definitely get her to reply just for a moment. . .no. It was just plain teasing me. And she stayed up like WAY later than she usually does, until like 11:30 PM and then she said she had to get to bed and that she would TRY and reply tomorrow. But honestly, I don't foresee that happening. Tomorrow will probably be just like today. Me waiting around for nothing. We were at a really amazing and highly arousing part in the scene and I swear, since last night (Friday), her next replies were all I could think about and I was super excited for but like I said. . .it didn't happen. I honestly don't think it ever will. All these scenes we've planned to write together for this story. The thing that really upsets me and got us fighting today was when I told her I wanted more Buddie (Buck/Eddie) scenes, like just scenes of them solo, and of course, she said that she doesn't feel like devoting more time to this story than she already has by writing anything of just the two of them. That really and truly hurt me. It's almost like she was saying that she's ashamed of me, like I'm not worth her time or something, or like all of this is a waste of her time. Like she won't even write at least a couple of scenes with just the two of them maybe talking about Amy at work or whatever. It also makes me feel like she doesn't care at all. She hasn't wanted her name anywhere on this story or even wants to take credit for writing it. She insists that no one knows about her fetish and she doesn't want anyone to recognize her name. I talked her into coming up with a different author name, but there's just so many things about all this that make me feel like I'm worthless to her, as a writer, a person, and a friend. Like I'm not worthy of her time and that this story is just a nuisance, a daily thorn in her side that she only participates in because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings but underneath it all, she really wishes that she had never met me. That's exactly how I feel every day, even if her friendly chats read differently. And speaking of reading differently, when there's a scene she doesn't want to do, like those Buddie solo scenes, or some confrontation, or gastrointestinal problem scene, she suggests that I be the one to write them. Like how the fuck would I do that when my writing voice/style is totally different from hers? Not to mention Eddie and Buck's portrayal. Everything would read differently from one scene to the next and believe me, people would notice. That burns me up when she suggests that I write it myself instead of being consistent with our scenes. And another thing I've noticed about her is that her mood seems different from one day to the next. She told me that she's a Cancer but really, she's acting just like a Gemini. I never know if I'm going to meet the nice one or the moody one from day to day. I know she's struggling with a lot of shit lately like anxiety and depression that you know I have too, and that she's had some health scares and painful issues with her reproductive system, but she shouldn't be taking it out on me.
We started off as Tumblr friends first. She was helping me with the medical knowledge and telling me how medics handle certain situations for my current WIP, and then we got to talking about one day collaborating on a story together when she got her inspiration back. I didn't think it would happen as soon as it did, and now she thinks that all I care about is the story and not being her friend at all. Let me just note that she said this before this next incident, like way before. Honestly, I think I've proved my worth by worrying and caring about her when she has a health scare, like when she had to go to the ER recently. She even thanked me for keeping her company on Discord when she was there, making it less scary for her. I might be a toxic bitch most of the time, but I am capable of empathy. I know, I even surprised myself but one thing you have to know about me is that as I mature, I'm learning that friendship is not a transaction and it shouldn't be. It's a give and takes, and I am becoming fiercely loyal when it comes to my friends nowadays (especially since I don't have but a couple of them). . .as long as they show me that they are loyal and trustworthy right back. And that's what I was to her when she was in physical need, and I'll be there for her again. . .if she's there for me.
I don't know what to do anymore, honestly. A little voice in my head and even Eddie, Christian, and Damon insist that I cut ties with her, stop talking to her, and to move past this, to put it behind me and go back to my own writing, but I just can't let this go. I can't let her go, as a potential friend or a writer. But how can you be friends with someone when all they do is make you cry? Writers this talented and with this much knowledge of what I already crave don't come along every day. There's no one like her and I don't think there ever will be. I wish there was, but there's not. And I know that she's struggling with the same thought process. About whether or not she should cut ties with me too for the sake of her own mental health. I've had so many people leave me in the past because of that and I really don't want to repeat that shit again. Not if I can somehow find a way to make this work. I'm literally even PRAYING TO GOD for help with keeping her around and in my life, and to help us together. Even if he hates me. I know every prayer is answered. That's what I've heard anyway. I just hope he comes through for me this time. I keep thinking this whole thing wouldn't be happening right now if I hadn't returned to Tumblr, and become so obsessed with Ryan Guzman as Eddie Diaz on "9-1-1." He's my comfort character in so many ways, I can't even begin to describe it. That's why I made my own Eddie, who has told me that he would give up his own life/existence if it would prevent me from being in such emotional pain all the time. That is a true friend. How he would unselfishly do that for me, even if I don't think I will ever have the heart to let him go myself. He's been trying to comfort me all day, holding me and rubbing my shoulder and my back, kissing my head and my temple, even offering to listen to my heart and lungs to cheer me up. He's been here for me like a sweetie, and so have Christian and Damon. But I just don't feel like having them beside me tonight, any of them. I want to be alone and cry my eyes out a little more. Christian asked me earlier if I needed to be put on "suicide watch" again. I would rather just pray for death. Maybe it'll happen for not using my CPAP. I just don't know what to do. I know damn well that this whole thing is going to blow up in my face, and how I might even end up dying ironically from "broken heart syndrome." I felt like I was close to that today with how much it physically hurt to cry and even breathe.
I had started my own Eddie Diaz/OC fanfic a while back, just to see if I could pull off writing for his character and I do seem like I'm able to capture his voice, but the medical aspect is still where I struggle, despite all I've learned from this woman I'm writing with. Or WAS. Of course, me and her were writing in an 3rd person omniscient POV and I'm writing this short story in close 3rd person like my other stories, since that's what I'm used to but now I'm thinking I should've done it in an omniscient POV too. Just to practice. But I would rather read books that use that POV first so I can get the hang of it and know what's allowed and not allowed. Maybe I'll buy or find a writing book I have on Point of View. I know I must have some or at least a section about it in one of my books somewhere. And of course, I'm going to read fiction in that POV to help. Note to self: The Guest List by Lucy Foley is written in omniscient 3rd person and so is this other romance novel, Completely Yours by Erin Nicholas. So I'm going to go to sleep now and cry myself to sleep alone. This is all just one big mess and I don't know who to turn to for it or how to cope. I really need to talk to my therapist again and make use of those two books I bought off Amazon a long time ago. The suicidal thoughts workbook and that other one that can help you get out your feelings through drawing.
If you're still reading these things, please pray for me that things with her get better, not worse.
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