Well, Colin replied and he said he is okay with chatting just for the sake of chatting if its what I want to do. I didn't think he would. I mean, I thought he would be hesitant, but nope. Wow. Okay. And he added, "hope you're doing well!" at the end. Awwwwwww!! I can't even with him. I mean, when he's a smug sarcastic ass, he's really a smug sarcastic ass, but when he's sweet. . .damn it! I can't be mad at him. Or even be mad at him when he smiles at me. I'm at a loss for words when he shows he cares. I mean, he didn't have to add that last bit, but he did and that was just. . .so sweet! Just when I think I'm out, he pulls me right back in. I was like "aww you're so sweet! Tuesday @ 2?" And he's like: "Yep let's do it!"
The fact that he actually sounded excited got my heart racing. Fuck! Now. . .I'm stuck on his scheduling page trying to decide what the fuck to do. Hesitating massively. Damon is still not on board and the logical part of me is like: "Doooon't do it." And do you remember when Christian was against me wasting my money, well now he's like: "You're gonna get the money back. Don't worry." I know that, but for some reason, I just like having that crutch to stand on and knowing that $400 is there in my account. Did I mention that before? Taking half of it will cause me anxiety. Probably. Meanwhile, my inner goddess is:
No! Down girl! Bad! I can't keep doing this. We're on a break. That's the point of a break, to spend time apart. No more contact. I just feel like he's sick of my annoying ugly fat ass, he just won't say it. But damn it! My fingers are so close. . .so, so fucking close to just pressing that "schedule event" button.
Damon's like: "You know you're going to do it anyway by the end of the night, you might as well just do it." Lol! He hates Colin like soooo much! He hates him so much he wants me to actually tell Colin how much he hates him. Oh, yeah, that'll be stunning. He won't understand at all what the fuck a servitor is let alone a Tulpa, (and I never like to use the term "imaginary friends") then he'll really think I'm crazy. Christian is like: "Damon. . .don't. You're going to end up getting her in trouble." I mean, I would LOVE to tell him what Damon says, if, for no other reason than to see how he reacts and for the amusement of it, but I don't know if I'm ready or if I'll ever be ready to tell him about them. God only knows what bullshit he'll hit me with in that "preachy-therapist" way of his. Probably tell me to go out there and meet real people or probably something like what he said about Daniel, about how they're not going to make me happy the rest of my life or be there for me like a real person would be. I swear to God, if he so much as dared to go there. . .IT'S ON!! Anyone and I mean anyone who denies their existence, will automatically make enemies of me. I really want to tell him, believe me, I do but. . .I don't think he will react so well to it. Even if it does feel good to get off my shoulders. No! No, I can't. I shouldn't. But damn it. . .I want to. Ugh!! Anything we talk about in his sessions is confidential from what I can gather, so I doubt he's going to go and tell his friends I'm a looney or anything. It would just have to be done delicately.
Damn it, damn it, damn it!! My fingers aren't going to let me go to bed without making that damn session! Ugh! NOOOOO! NOOO! I can't! If I do it this coming week, I definitely can't do it the first week of September unless I get that extra unemployment money. Oh please God give me that extra! Damn it. I want to cry. . .
Oh yeah! I forgot, I needed to take my anti-depressants.
(one moment later. . .)
Okay! Done!
Christian rechecked my pulse earlier when I was folding laundry, just before I took my other heart medication. I told him I had finish that first before taking them cause my mom was bitching at me. He came beside me, took my wrist, and as soon as he was done, he was like: "Just checking." I told him, if there was something wrong, he would know it and he said: "Not always. You don't always tell me, even when you should." He worries so much, you gotta love him! My heart always skips a beat when he starts checking my pulse. It's like it knows he's checking on it and gets a little nervous. Hehe! I know he's going to want to take another listen to me before bed. I took a nap while my mom was out, getting my meds and celebrating her birthday. Christian said I needed it. He was even sweet enough to slip my glasses off my face and set them aside as I laid down. Sweetie! You want to hear something weird? Yesterday, I dreamt I was in the 70s. Lol. Seriously! I was dressed like a school/college girl in the 70s and I was in this auditorium where this band was playing that I ain't never heard of and people were like getting high and smoking and shit, and then the place caught on fire, like Carrie. Scary. Maybe one of my spirits was sharing a memory with me. Not a very pleasant one, mind you but my grandparents were there and they looked so young.
So. . .yeah, I went and fucking did it. I apologized to my bank account and I did it, I booked another fucking Zoom call with Colin for Tuesday. Damn it! I hate myself so much right now. That was money I was supposed to be used to change my name and now I have to save up all over again. Damon said: "I hope you know what you're getting yourself into." Christian said that I can still get my money back if I cancel. Can I? Is that even a possibility? I'll think about it. I mean, you would think if I cancel and the payment is "pending" that it would go back to my card, right? But like I said, by using the money now, I CANNOT and WILL NOT go and spend another $175 that first week of September when I get my next unemployment payment. I'm choosing to use it now and that's it. I need that money back in my account so it's over $400 again. Unless I get more money, I'm just going to have to seriously resist the next time around. No more sessions after next week. Not until more money comes my way. None! I have to stop! And Christian, Dom, and my Concuans are welcome to spank me if I even think about it. I hate that my birthday is on a fucking Sunday this year! So that means no chatting with Colin on my birthday when it should be all about me anyway. I want to have my day to shine, and I have a feeling that asshole Daniel isn't going to bring his ass back to Cameo just to wish me a "Happy Birthday." I hope he knows I'm going to hate him forever for that. ASSHOLE!! You're my Daddy! I need a birthday wish from you, you sexy fucking arrogant, selfish, immature, sarcastic asshole! Is that how little you think of your Little? Prick.
If I don't end up canceling it, for fear of looking ugly and being annoying again, and being talked down too again, I will tell him about the tarot card readings and maybe sing for him. You know, if I'm too terrified to actually do it. I really want to sing "So Much Better" from Legally Blonde: The Musical to him and show him my amazing talent to vocally impersonate almost any female singer. Still, I really, really hate myself now and the more I think about it, the more I dread what will happen between us. That he'll say something else that will make me hate him again. I really want my money back right now. I do. :( But should I? God, maybe. WHAT HAVE I DOOOONE?!
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