Let me make this perfectly clear, I will go through with the Zoom call with Colin tomorrow but after that, I'm done. We're done. I pinky promised Damon. One last hurrah and then that's it. Remember when I told you Christian thought he would be good for me? Well, now that he sees the stress and anxiety it's having on me, he's decided it's better for my physical and emotional well being if I cut ties with him. From what I can gather from his email ( and yes, I HAD to be the one to reach out, not him ), he never got the other one about the refund. I was like: "So. . .what's happening tomorrow?" And he's like: "Hi Amy, I just landed back in Chicago. We are set for tomorrow at 4pm CSI. That still work for you? We can start to go over the worksheets from Inspire if you'd like. (mentions the attachment workbook) Hope you had a great weekend!" I was like: "So you didn't get that other email where I asked how I would go about getting a refund if I were to cancel a session?" He replied: "Do you want to cancel and get a refund? I couldn't tell from this email." For a second, I thought about it and then I decided, fine, I'll talk to him one last time but this is THE VERY LAST TIME. Even as I say this, I know there's only a 50% maybe 60% chance of that happening, knowing me, but having no more "stupid money" to spend will help me stay away from him. Maybe this is God's way of preventing me from further stress. I feel like I'm close to having a panic attack lately. I was just like: "No. . .it's okay. Unless you really don't want to talk to me. I know I can be annoying." And he's like: "I'm happy to talk so let's do it!" God I have no idea what the hell is happening lately. If its just me and my perception of him or what. Every day, I wish I had never discovered him. And. . .I did a really stupid thing that I wish I hadn't. I asked him whether or not I'm his friend? Does he even think of me as a friend? I honestly need to know. Would it change anything? Maybe. It would be a huge sucker-punch to the heart if he said "no," but he said nothing, which is even worse. Now I know, he probably just got busy and didn't have a chance to reply, or maybe he didn't intend on replying for fear of hurting my feelings. Well only one thing to do. . .ask him bluntly, face-to-face. If he says "no," I'm just going to roll my eyes and mumble something like, "yeah, it figures." Ugh! God, I really wish I had gotten that refund.
I don't know why, but I have the urge to see Dom wrestle Colin in a pool of whipped cream. Can you imagine? Dylan Bruce & Colin Egglesfield butt naked in whipped cream, wrestling it out, kicking each other's asses? Mmmm. . .delicious image! Okay, sorry. I'm stopping now. God its so damn hot in here! Even despite having the fan on. And not because I'm aroused. I still really want to sing for Colin, especially if its the last time we ever talk. I thought about doing an unboxing while chatting with him, unboxing two of my subscription boxes that came today. My GoScribbler box and my Try My Snacks box, but I don't think he'd care. He doesn't seem to care much about anything, does he? Sigh. Well, I'm still gonna try to record the session via my Game Bar on Windows that I didn't even know I had until recently. Plus, I just want the pleasure and smug satisfaction of singing that part from "So Much Better" but with his name. "Oh, Colin, sorry I've been a pest but I guess my best was not working with you, but looks like I found a cure and I so look forward to working with you." And then the fake orgasm part! Yes! I'm still holding out hope that one day I will sing and a guy would fall immediately in love with me. Like Daniel Gillies.
Not only am I so hot, but I'm also tired as hell. Not even sleeping on this cloud mattress topper is helping me feel refreshed. And I know its because I need to use my CPAP but I'm just too lazy to clean it. God, I want to just pass out now. Even though I slept for hours until it became dark out. And yeah, I'm gonna go now and try not to pass out while I write a little and take notes on Reproduction.
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