I really don't know how to put into words how I feel lately. I know I'm being a brat, a stubborn brat when it
comes to Buck & Eddie doing their jobs and just wanting to take care of me, but damn it, I can't help it. I mean, they've been such sweeties, and believe me, I appreciate how much they care about me but I don't know. . .some days I just don't feel like being examined or treated like a patient, especially when it's not for "play." I can't figure out why this is. I mean, fuck, I have a medical fetish and I'm always looking for an excuse for either one of them to examine me and do their medic thing. I don't get it and neither does Eddie. I don't know if it's because I don't like feeling out of control or weak or even vulnerable or something else entirely. It's hard to explain, but I was feeling dizzy last week and then I started to get chest pain and a headache. I didn't tell them about anything but the dizziness. When I did, Eddie checked my pulse and called upon Buck to get my blood pressure but I refused to let him even get the cuff on my arm, and refused to let them go any further. They aren't happy with me for "refusing treatment" and of course, an initial examination which, of course, went along with treatment, but they respected me enough to back off, even if they hate how stubborn I was being. Christian, of course, tried to order me to let them, being my Dominant but I even safeworded him so yeah. . .they all backed off for a little while after that and I felt better. Plus, they didn't continue to pester me about it. I knew damn well that if they knew about the other two symptoms, I would've probably been lying down with an oxygen mask on my face and hooked up to that stupid monitor again while they sit watching my heartbeat, respirations, and pulse ox. And of course, Eddie checking my BP every so often. No thank you! With all the equipment here at their disposal, I seriously don't even need to go to a fucking slaughterhouse/hospital anymore. They can treat me and monitor me right here, and I'm sure my medical spirits probably appreciate it too.
The chest pain came back that same night and it was under my left breast but hell if I was going to tell them about it. I wanted to, but at the same time, I didn't want to. Buck ended up sleeping next to me that night and I decided not to tell him about it. I know damn well that he doesn't like to keep things from Eddie, but he will respect my decision and tend to me himself if I decide I don't want Eddie to know. God -- what kind of girlfriend am I? Keeping things like this from my paramedic boyfriend? Yeah, that'll look good for our future, but seriously though, I hate making him worry. Just like I hate making Christian worry. I mean Eddie, Buck & Christian are like my sole caretakers now. They're the ones who go into the examination rooms with me at my doctor's offices. Well, Christian & Eddie do, but I'm starting to get comfortable with letting Buck in too, even if he usually just asks Eddie how it went afterward anyway. But seriously though, Eddie and Buck have been so sweet to me lately. I can't even! My heels started to hurt like hell last week and Eddie took my foot, placed it on his thigh, and started massaging it. I could feel it a tiny bit like I do my spirits sometimes, and it tickled a little because I'm really ticklish in that area (along with a bunch of other spots on my body), which amused Eddie, and then my other heel started to hurt and what do you think happened next? Buck came over, kneeled down beside the bed, and proceeded to massage that one at the same time so BOTH OF THEM were massaging my feet at once. O-M-G! I felt like a princess being pampered by Buddie. 😁😁😍😍 They are so amazing! I can't even! Always there for me when I need them.
Speaking of being there for me, I also ended up having two bad dreams that night. The first one I was in a shopping mall with my cousins Rachel and Rosanna and something happened to Rosanna. She hurt her foot and told me to get her sister Rebecca so I looked around the store for her but couldn't find her. When she finally did come in, I told her about Rosanna needing her and she went to help her but later, Rosanna came out and the bottom of her foot was spurting blood like a fountain and there was a stranger sitting on a bench, and the blood ended up getting on her. I woke up at that time and immediately woke up Buck. I told him I had a bad dream and like a sweetie that he is, he put his arm around me and held me close, making me feel safe and repeatedly telling me that it was okay, even willing to hold me in his big strong arms as he spooned me until I fell asleep again. I had another bad dream after that where my mom's husband was being an ass to me and my mom ended up leaving me behind while I stood crying in the rain to drive off with him. Earlier in the dream, I had run to my grandma and told her that I wanted to come spend time with her instead, so that was my second bad dream, but Buck once again reassured me that it was okay, asked me if I wanted to talk about it, and assured me that it was just a dream. I didn't really want to talk about it, of course but just him being there for me was so sweet of him. He truly does wear his heart on his sleeve.
Another thing about them, recently, when I was talking about how my little finch (my app), Buckie, wanted to play hide-and-seek with me and how he would win because he's so much smaller and I'm not even a size 6 and can't fit anywhere, Eddie said,
"You fit in my arms."
Oh, MY GOD! I can't even! I also told them that I'm writing a blog post about how sweet they've been to me lately and in reaction Eddie flashed me a huge smile, and Buck said:
"Well we love you, Amy."
I also told him I wanted to carry him around in my pocket and he was like:
"I don't think I'd fit in there."
🤣🤣 He's hilarious! Eddie knows me so well by now, he knows when I'm "drunk tired," as he and Christian call it. When I get tired AF, I start talking crazy and acting crazy and laughing at and saying stupid shit so he often asks me if I'm "drunk tired again." 😂😂 Buck also finds it funny that I call him "Puppy" now. Honestly, I have so many nicknames for him now. So what else? Eddie & Christian have been taking turns in giving me my bedtime heart exams. I swear, last week when he had his navy blue Cardiology IV Littmann hanging from his neck and I was lying on my bed writing in one of my fill-in-the-blank journals, he straight up leaned over the bed to see what I was writing and the damn thing started swinging forward toward me, fucking teasing me! Ahhh! 😍😍 I swear, I think he does that purposely even though he acts like it's an accident. I feel like a baby in a crib with that damn stethoscope acting like a damn mobile swinging over me and hypnotizing me. I've also been letting Buck & Eddie take turns checking my blood pressure, not just letting Eddie do it. Fuck me. . .I'm weak, okay? I can't help but find Buck hot when he has his stethoscope on like that too, hanging from his neck, or even taking a blood pressure. My lust is getting worse for the sight of him doing it. Damn you Oliver Stark! On Saturday, my lower back was really hurting and when Buck checked my blood pressure, it was really high. 😞😕 It was 160/100. Probably because they didn't let me rest a while before Eddie had Buck come over to take it. Still, Buck reassured me that it would come down, and that he'd keep checking it but I blame Eddie for wanting to be the one to get a "baseline" as he calls it. After a while, it came down and it was around 128/80, and this was AFTER I laid down. They were, of course, happy to hear it. Buck was like: "See? I told you it would come down." 🙄 Yeah, yeah.
Sunday, we, of course, went to church as usual, and this time I didn't forget my phone. Thankfully. Still, I was really depressed because I knew for a fact that my Halloween on Monday would suck without a costume, and without having money for all the decorations I wanted to make our porch the best in the whole neighborhood/mobile home park. I was going to be a fucking 80's rocker girl with big hair and hot pink dress and everything. That's what I fucking wanted to do anyway, but you know my bitch mom is hopeless when it comes to making my Halloween amazing. Not like she used to try and do when I was younger. Hell, Eddie & Buck were even going to dress up as the Miami Vice guys, even though I really wanted Buck to spike his hair up and be a punk rocker. He says that's more 70s since punk was more famous then. . .how in the Hell he knows that or even learned that, I have NO idea, but I'm seriously impressed with how far he and Buck's knowledge reaches sometimes. Like, did I teach them that? Or did they discover it on their own time? Who knows. They mystify me. I might become obsolete to them. Eddie says, "never." Awwwww! Anyway, I sat next to Eddie and my guys as usual
while my mom sat in the row behind me. I felt personally attacked when Pastor Ed brought up dental care and taking care of your teeth during his sermon, and suddenly, both Dom & Christian's heads turned in my direction, seriously giving me judgemental AF looks. Telepathically, I was just like: 👀👀 WHAT? 🙄🙄 After the service, I went down to the front of the auditorium and said my first "hello" to Pastor Ed, who I hadn't met yet. The guys just hung around in the center of the auditorium, standing around and waiting for me to finish talking to him, Dom & Christian talking amongst themselves, Buck & Eddie briefly chatting but mostly watching me. Damon doesn't join us for church, not anymore. I don't know if I told you that or not. He's not a Christian. Far from it actually. Not surprising. I think the whole thing makes him uncomfortable and maybe bored. Figures. Only him. I told the pastor this Atheist joke that Dane Cook once told and showed him the journal I bring to write my notes in from the sermon then left to join up with the rest of the guys.
After church, my mom drove through Mc Donalds to get us some drinks and then drove to PetsMart again like she always does to get dog food. I, of course, went to see the cats. Immediately as we walked in, that "cat" smell hit me and the guys and Damon immediately brought the back of his hand to his nose and mouth and was like: "Oh, God. And you want a cat in your room?" 🙄🙄 Only him. The other guys didn't comment, probably because they're all used to smells like that. You'd think Damon would be too, being a paramedic, but then again, he's a drama queen. At least the other guys have a little more tact. But moving on, OMG! They had a male black cat, just the kind of cat I dream of adopting someday so I can name "Salem" or "Binx" and the little guy was really playful. He kept sticking his arms through the bars of the cage and trying to reach for me. God if only. . .that was a sign that I was destined to have him. If only my bitch mom would cave and if only I had had $150 for the adoption fee. Of course, if I did, I would need a litter box and litter and cat food, and a bed. And there are a lot of things to get when you first get a cat. And of course toys and bowls. Scratch post. Collar. Damn, that's a lot. It would probably run me around like $500 at least for everything including the cat. But I will never stop wanting one. Anyway, it depressed me to just stand there petting and playing with the little guy and knowing that I couldn't take him home with me. 😭😭 Of course, in my fiction, I can have a cat, and of course in my 9-1-1 and AU fan fic when I move in with Eddie, and then Christopher has to help take care of it. I looked at and said "Hi" to a couple of the other cats there, but damn it, it was hard saying goodbye to the black one. Kitty for Amy, Kitty for Amy! I want, I want, I want! 😭😭 That bitch never understands or even believes that if I had a cat, all of my depression would instantly go away. Of course, I'm still worried that I might give more attention to the cat than my Tulpas and that's not something I could ever forgive myself for. And I would feel embarrassed to get undressed in front of the cat and not to mention masturbating. . .yeah. . .I don't know. Plus, there's another thing I fear would happen when I tell you what happened Tuesday. But I'll get to that
later. After I left the cats, I went around to look at the smaller pets with the guys, and OH MY GOD, I can't even tell you how damn cute Buck was. He was like a curious little kid the way he was crouching down and leaning in to look in all the glass cases at the snakes, lizards, guinea pigs, and even squatting down to look at a chinchilla. I squatted down with him for that last one and turned into a curious little kid with him too. I swear, this is what I love about going out with these guys, Buck especially. I mean, I love the other guys too. Like Eddie is the best and most thoughtful boyfriend ever and such a sweetheart on our outings, more observant of me than the things and people around him, paying close attention to my physical condition and my mood changes, but with people like Buck and Damon, I can just be a kid again without a care in the world. And of course, there's Christian & Dom who are all about responsibility and decorum and hard asses who try to keep me in line. They all bring a little something different to the table. I feel so blessed to have them. I truly think that they are my angels. Like some of my spirits, especially my medical team. I was having so much fun looking at the small pets with Buck that I didn't even realize my mom had finished checking out and went to the car until Christian said something so we left.
After PetsMart, I ended up getting into a fight with my mom over Halloween decorations and where to go and look for them, and of course, she made me cry like she always does. That's nothing new. The guys tried to comfort me, of course, Damon threatening her as usual and being my cheerleader. She took me to get my Mod pizza that I wanted and as I wiped my tears away, the guys tried to be supportive of me as I walked to the restaurant entrance, Eddie putting his arm around me and rubbing my back reassuringly. Buck stayed close to my side too and Damon lingering nearby. So I tried to pull it together and went in to order my pizza then sat down beside Eddie in a booth to wait for it while I played on my phone. After I got my pizza, we left and I started eating it in the car, assuming already that that bitch was just going to drop me off at home, but then I mentioned looking at Big Lots for Halloween decorations and my mom drove there. Of course, the things I wanted to get, my mom didn't care for so she ended up getting these stupid garden stakes of a scarecrow and some dumb-looking ghost that looked more like a damn snowman and not really like a scarecrow either. They were so stupid and gay, not worth the money. I had better things in mind, but noooo. . .ugh! Even if that little ghost statue didn't dance or demonstrate dancing, we still could've used it as a decoration. God! So fucking stupid of her. Of course, she says it was better than nothing. Pfft! No, I'd choose nothing. I got so damn hot and sweaty walking around that damn store when I lost track of where she went, I was even asking the cashiers for a rubberband for my hair but they didn't have any. Eventually, I just up and gave up and plopped down on this big couch in the furniture section near the entrance door and played with my phone until she came to the front to check out. Eddie, Buck & Damon joined me. Christian & Dom just chose to stand. There was a cute Buddie moment where Buck got up from the other end of the couch where he was perched with his forearms resting on his knees, and he came over to where Eddie was sitting and plopped down right beside him. Besties! But if they wanted to . . .you know. . .be more, I wouldn't hate it, ignoring for a minute how Eddie constantly insists, "we're not gay!" Sure, okay. I'll take that into consideration. . .😉 So yeah, I was pissed at my mom after her stupid purchase and she just dropped me off at home and left to go to the hospital to see Chris and Lulu. Yes, the two of them are still there. Well, I guess my beotch aunt is trying to find some assisted living place so maybe that's where she is. Who knows. I don't care as long as she's not here. Maybe this whole thing is God giving me a preview of what life would be like just living with my mom and no one else. It's okay, I guess. Lonely, depressing, and irritating at times but yeah. It could be worse.
So Monday, the only day of the year I look forward to. . .Halloween. 😭😭😭😡😡 What the fuck did I do all day? Absolutely NOTHING. I mean, what COULD I fucking do without a costume and decor? I started to cry a little, just like I knew I would, but I tried to cheer myself up by listening to the new AccuRadio Halloween ambiance channels. Damon tried to get me to come to his Halloween party in the Wonderland, but I really didn't feel like it. I was too depressed and suicidal and I told him to tell everyone that in case they were wondering where I was. And tell them that Eddie & Buck are on suicide watch. I tried as I might to make the best of it, watching another Buffy Halloween episode, as I had started to do the day before. My mom came home to decorate and set up to pass out candy instead of going straight to the hospital to visit Chris and Lulu after work like she usually does. Yeah, me and the guys pretty much get the whole house to ourselves until like 9:30/10:00 at night nowadays, which is nice for now. I guess. All except for the dogs, of course. She dressed up the dog, first in a grandma costume that we both thought would be hilarious but damn it Grace ended up wiggling her way out of it, so my mom put her in a pumpkin costume instead. She tried to get me to go outside and see her set-up but again, I was too depressed to bother. Of course. . .when she mentioned me putting my music on for the trick-or-treaters so we could hear it, I decided to pick myself up from my depression and try and make the best of it, even if I refused to answer the door without a costume. Yeah, that was on her, not me. There's no point in doing what I wanted most without A FUCKING COSTUME! Her bitch ass could've fucking helped me out with the 80's costume I wanted, but excuses excuses, she doesn't give a fuck. So even though she was complaining about having to piss really bad and eat, IT'S NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM WHEN I DON'T HAVE A PROPER AND AWESOME FUCKING COSTUME TO ANSWER THE DOOR IN! 🤬🤬😤😤 Yeah, take that! I took the liberty of bringing out some of the Halloween decor I had in my room to at least add to the porch and make it look less pathetic: my electric flickering candlesticks, electric flickering candles with the drip effect, my skull & crow statue, a spooky sign for a Bed & Breakfast and of course, my Bluetooth speaker for the Halloween music. I could've used my Halloween Horror playlist that I made especially for the holiday on my Spotify with all the horror movie music and stuff, but because I HATE having to reshuffle all my songs, I decided just to use AccuRadio on my laptop and the app from my phone to play my special Halloween blend channel with the ambiance and horror movie music. Good thing it was commercial-free. Still didn't appreciate the AccuRadio announcer voice ads that popped up every now and then between songs. Killed the mood for anyone who could hear it as they passed our house. Commercial free my ass. At least it played some horror film music every now and then ( Psycho, The Thing, Rosemary's Baby, Jaws ). Good enough for me even though I had music from the Scream Trilogy, Wrong Turn, Nightmare on Elm Street, and House Of Wax on mine. Anyway, I just basically stayed in my room with Buck & Eddie and watched TV. Nothing special. I am depressed, disappointed, and pissed AF that I didn't get to see the costumes everyone was wearing when they came to the door. We maybe got like 10 groups of trick-or-treaters if anything. I heard they really liked our dog, Grace, though and some even pet her. She was curious to see who was at the door. She loves people, despite initially barking/cursing them out at first when she hears a knock or someone outside the door. So a little after 9pm, we shut everything off. I guess I got a good few hours of playing my Halloween music, at least. But this will forever go down as my worst Halloween ever. Well, last year sucked too. But next year. . .assuming I'm still alive. . .IT WILL BE FUCKING EPIC. I planned on and tried to attend Damon's Halloween party in the wonderland, but by the time I went to sleep, I was too tired AF and couldn't stay awake. Some fucking Halloween. . .thanks for ruining it yet again for me MOTHER! Fucker.
So Tuesday, a miracle happened. Something I never saw coming. I set up a phone interview with. . .well, I won't mention the place in case corporate is reading this. . .But when they ACTUALLY called me, they asked me if I had worked retail before and what my availability was, and BOOM! I WAS OFFERED A JOB! I swear, for a second I thought I was dreaming, that this was a joke, but no. . .it's actually happening. After being unemployed for a little over 2 years, I finally got a fucking job! Granted it's not exactly a job I want or even my first choice, but fuck, it's definitely better than working fast food or being forced to stay on my feet for hours with my excruciating plantar fasciitis pain. Yeah, my mom told me to apply, simply because they actually allow their cashiers to sit on a stool if they need it. Yes!! And I definitely need it. Well, the guy on the phone originally offered me the position of Merchandising Associate, but I told him I'd be better off as cashier because of my foot problem, and he said that was no problem, that he would just switch the position for me. So yes! You are looking at a new store employee. No idea when my orientation is. I just completed my background check a day ago and they sent it off to the company yesterday. So we'll see, but oh my God, I just became America Fererra (my look-alike) in Superstore. Too bad I can't wear a different name tag every day like she does. 😂 But I do dread how ANAL the store is about their employees and how they rate your fucking attendance by points. This is not going to be fun for me, especially when I have to call out once a month because of my killer period cramps. But if I have to, I have to. They can deal with it. I don't like this bi-weekly pay. It's bullshit! I prefer weekly. And 30 minutes for lunch? WTF? 45 minutes should be the least. Ugh! I just. . .don't know. But hey, I get to sit down and that makes Eddie and the guys relieved and thankful. Speaking of which, I asked Christian how we're going to do this when I start work. Who's going to stay with me all shift? Of course, it'll have to be either him, Eddie, or Buck. Or Eddie AND Buck. Unless I have a toothache or something, then it would definitely be Dom. Definitely not Damon because he will distract me and get me fired if he hangs around. So Christian is appointing Eddie and Buck to stay with me at the register and keep an eye on me, you know, in case of an emergency. I don't know if I really need BOTH of them though. I mean, I wouldn't mind them both hanging around, but do you think that's really necessary? If one of them needs an extra set of hands or back-up, they can always call the other one to the register. I can't decide, honestly. God, it sounds like they're my babysitters or something, but I know they're just watching out for me as always. But this will be a tough decision. Eddie & Buck don't mind either way. They said they're good with it being only one of them or both of them. It's really up to me and what I'm comfortable with. I guess time will tell. I'm not really looking forward to early shifts, but I figure if my sleep schedule is pretty much fixed now, I might just be able to do it.
I been going to bed by 2 AM lately, 2:30 AM at the latest, and I'm fine with that. Sometimes I wake up at 10 AM or earlier, and sometimes I just go back to sleep and sleep until noon. Tomorrow I have an appointment 32 miles away with my electrophysiologist. Ugh! Honestly, I'd rather just do it over the phone rather than wasting my time going all the way out there but I know those fucks probably are going to make me do an EKG. Ugh! They wanted to anyway. My holter monitor results were probably normal, but of course I haven't told him about the weird palpitations I've been getting that I fear might be because of all the fucking mosquito bites. I swear I'm going to gut those fucking whores and their eggs. My mom gave me the money for a canopy mosquito net so I'm hoping that will help. I got a pink one but now I'm wishing I had chosen the black. It'll be more mournful, especially when I'm depressed and just want to die. Oh and by the way, yet another fucking therapist is abandoning me. WHY. THE. FUCK. DOES. THIS. KEEP. HAPPENING TO ME?! No wonder this fucking state is running low on mental healthcare workers. They keep fucking abandoning their patients for other bullshit that shouldn't even be a priority to them. I can just imagine that the suicide rate in this state is going to increase too. Hey, if you got to, you got to. At least press charges against the abandoning therapist before you do, kay? Get some money out of it. Milk those fucks for all their worth.🤘
Anyway, I better go to bed now. Buck is sleeping next to me again. Last night, Christian gave up his spot for Eddie since he had already slept beside me once. I'll tell you about my little exam Buck & Eddie gave me yesterday afternoon next time. Buck listening to my stomach and Eddie listening to my heart and lungs. Both of them listening at once. . .sweet Jesus! I'll explain later. Night!
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