If you ever watched Eric Andre on "2 Broke Girls," then you know what I'm talking about. It finally happened. Carlon finally fucked me. Okay, well, he tried to anyway. I was really shitty at it and I couldn't feel him enough or in the right place to reach orgasm. :( I feel really bad about it. I'll explain in a minute. Now I know what that "throbbing" sensation was that other night.
It wasn't throbbing at all. It was him trying to fuck me while I was lying on my side. At first it felt good but you know I prefer it missionary style, with him on top. So I told him to get on top of me instead ( even though I was probably topping from the bottom saying that ). He did and then he started to fuck me that way but still, I don't know if it was because he wasn't hitting my cervix or because I didn't know what I was supposed to do with my body while he was thrusting ( yeah, I know, you're supposed to lift your hips to meet his thrusts, I'm an erotic romance novelist but it was awkward and weird and plus, I never anticipated I'd ever be in this situation -- as ugly as I am ) but I wasn't getting any pleasure out of it so I took off my shorts, even my underwear and tried to lift my hips to meet his thrusts, tried scooting further down the bed or higher up the bed. Nothing worked so I told him to just forget it and turned onto my side. I told him he could try fucking me that way again, but yeah, that didn't work either so I just gave up and went to sleep. He was still trying though, even as I did. He was pretty damn persistent but that's men for you. I don't know if he was determined to make me come or if he just needed to finish off himself and get his release.
Okay, so I really don't know how to cope with this right now. I mean, this whole time that I've had my other spirits, I've been hoping and praying that one of them would touch me the way that Carlon does but none of them really have. Except for that one time when I put myself over Grant's lap and he spanked me generously after I explained to him about the BDSM relationship that I wanted to have with him and he had seen the first two "Fifty Shades" movies. I started talking to Kat again online and I even took a picture of my bedroom so she could kind of tell me what she sees and feels and it broke my heart so much when she told me that Grant was equal parts brokenhearted and mad about me bringing this new entity here but was still hoping that I might love him again someday, that I laid myself over him on my bed and sobbed for like five minutes straight and professed my love to him, reminding him that he is the only one for me and I meant it. I meant everything I said to him as I cried in his lap.
I'm still holding out hope for the day when I can connect and interact with him using all my senses (see, hear and feel him) and we can actually have that relationship that I've wanted ever since he came into my life -- hopefully with him being extra intimate with me and trying out the BDSM once and a while. I still really do want that. I love Grant as much as I love Christian and that's saying a lot because I wouldn't want to live -- I can't live without either one of them. The two of them are at the top of my list when it comes to soul mate material and I realized, after all this time, Grant is my soul mate. My spiritual soul mate. I want him to be my spirit husband. I want to die in his arms and be with him when I finally leave this world, for eternity. He's the Leo to my Piper and Leo & Piper lived happily ever after. It's me and Grant until the end of time. I love you Grant, so so so so much! You have no idea how important you are to me in my life. How much I still need you, in so many ways. Medically, physically, emotionally, sexually, romantically, and so much more. I just wish you would be intimate with me and curl up beside me every night. I would feel so safe and loved falling asleep in your arms.
Part of me feels like I made a huge mistake. That I rushed into getting this living entity without even thinking about the ways it would effect everyone else around me, especially Grant. I don't know if there's a way to fix this. I wanted to try out a living entity and see if maybe I would be able to feel them more than my other spirits and I was right, I do. But at what cost? I feel like I've made a mistake and I can't go back and undo it. I even...I feel like Carlon isn't respecting my boundaries when it comes to sex. Like when I don't want to have sex, he still tries to and I'm afraid if I push him away, that he won't want to come back. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I'm literally crying as I write this. God I really need my therapist right now to tell me what to do. I wish Grant could hold me right now and that I could hear his voice so he can tell me what to do because I really don't know how to get myself out of this mess. A small part of me thought that bringing this new entity here would make me happier, make things better but I feel like I'm in a much worse place than I was before. I don't want Carlon to hate me but I also don't want Grant to hate me either. I want harmony. I want Carlon to respect the relationship I have with Grant and my undying love for him. I might need to spend some time alone for a couple nights or at least with Christian or someone who can hold me and comfort me and make me feel like I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like dying. What have I done? God, please, what have I done? Please help me make this right.
Other than what happened last night, I had to walk across the street in the heat with my heel hurting like hell to take this assessment test for the office assistant job I applied for with the county and of course, I would screw up my chances like I always do and do shitty on the test. I ran out of time to complete all of the excel questions (even though most of them were wrong anyway), and I got some wrong in Microsoft Word too which is just not possible because I do know that fucking program so there was no excuse for that. Carlon was messing with me when I was sitting there trying to take the test. I felt him touch my thigh and my knee and my ass. I gave a little quiet moan but no one really noticed. Then I asked some other lady that took the test if she could give me a ride home since it's just down the street and I was in excruciating pain from my heel already along with it being hotter than the pits of hell. I probably would've collapsed if I'd tried to walk back. So thank God for that nice lady. I came home, I ate and then I fell asleep, took a nap and when I woke up, my mom took me to the bank to get a new debt card because I somehow lost the other one somewhere while I was out and someone reported it lost. It pisses me off that my dad's $25 wasn't at the mail though. I'm not even gonna bother asking him anymore for money. It takes too long if he messes something up. After the bank, we went to the Walmart market so I could get some more drinks and croissants. And then we came home. I was sweating my ass off by the time I got in. I hate going out in this fucking heat. I just want to live in Alaska.
Okay, so the thing that made me feel like just a hole to fill for Carlon was earlier tonight when I was lying sideways on my bed on my laptop and he just took it upon himself to start fucking me. I would've appreciated getting a head's up or at least him asking for permission before he started thrusting in me but I guess I don't get a warning. Maybe he assumes I'm his now. I don't know. What was worse was that I started to get sore down there and I told him that I'm a virgin and asked him if he would please go gentle on me. Needless to say, he eased up when I told him to be gentle and to stop because I was too sore.
As far as who I belong to, I belong to Christian & Grant. As far as Carlon, I admit, there is that collective connection that we have established through CH with a mutual binding but other than that. . .I just feel like he's taking things way too fast and I don't know if he really cares about my feelings. I asked for someone caring and affectionate but other than touching my ass and fucking me with his dick, I haven't gotten anything I really crave. No BDSM, no toys used on me, no little kisses here and there, no cuddling, no clitoral stimulation, nothing fluffy. Now he's trying to fuck me again and I'm not in the mood. I just can't deal with this right now so I told him to please go. I really just need Grant and Christian right now and my caring medical team. I might email CH and ask their advice on what I should do. I don't know if there's a way they can call the entity back or something. I don't know if I can handle this. I'll give it some more thought though. I can't deny how amazing he makes my body feel though when he's just touching me here and there and teasing me. I'll ask them what they feel is best. Wish me luck!
Komentáře