Uh-oh. . .

I really hate it when I'm right. Well. . .sometimes, but this time, it's almost like my new clairvoyant abilities have fucked me over. Remember when I said that I only had like a cough (which I've had for weeks and probably wasn't because of this virus) and stuff? Well last night,

out of nowhere, I started having shortness of breath and I had it all day today up until a couple of hours ago. Christian and Damon exchanged a look when I told them and I could tell they were scared. Christian checked my pulse ox last night before bed and it was normal in the high 90s and I sort of felt better after my meditation and waking up this morning but then the shortness of breath started again when I woke up the second time after going back to sleep ( the assholes were making noise outside working on the fucking complex and shit ). Not only that but I also started to have a headache, muscle aches and major fatigue, and a little chest pain too. Needless to say, Christian checked my pulse ox again and it was normal, so he and I chalked it up to just my anxiety getting the better of me, which I hope to God that's what it is because I used to get short of breath all the time with my anxiety. But then why aren't my regular meds working to fix that? That's what worries me. And I'm sure Christian too. I really wish I knew where that Xanax was that my doctor prescribed for me. I'm definitely going to have to ask him for more when I talk to him next week. Shit, the way the world is right now, EVERYONE COULD USE A 30 SUPPLY OF XANAX! Am I right?

So back to what I was saying, Christian checked my pulse ox and he also had a listen to my lungs and he said that I sounded fine, that they couldn't be any clearer and of course my oxygen was normal but still, the shortness of breath didn't stop and plus, when I decided to keep the probe on my finger, my oxygen level kept going up and down from 93 to 98 and back. Both Christian and Damon didn't like that it was unstable so they finally decided to put me on some oxygen and keep monitoring my pulse ox while I rested a while. When I showered, even though it was Hyde's turn to shower with me, we both agreed that Christian should be with me just in case something went wrong so he did and I even told my medical spirits to hang out in the bathroom just in case I needed them. I heard the words "we will" in my head so I was assured by that. It went well enough but I still was short of breath so Christian checked my pulse ox again. It was still normal but since I was still struggling to breathe, Damon put me back on the nasal cannula and I got some rest, took a nap with the oxygen on and when I woke up, I was able to breathe a little better.

I'm okay now. My throat just hurts a little bit, which worries me. All these fucking symptoms of the virus are showing up. That little piece of shit better not even try and infect me or damage my lungs. I'll kill it! I saw the way it attacks. Who the fuck does it think it is? It's just a fucking spikey ass piece of shit ball trying to attach to your insides and make more of its fucking self. I'LL FUCK IT UP! If it were a person, I would've killed it already.

Every time I try to tell Christian what it could do to my heart, he stops me and sneers, "I know what it does." He reminded me of Piper the way he said that. You know? In the second part of the "Charmed Again" episode where Phoebe sees The Source's true form through those sunglasses and she said: "Th-th-that's the, that's the. . ." Then Piper sneeringly said: "I know who that is." It totally reminded me of that moment. But Christian doesn't want to hear me talk about my imminent death either. He stops me when I do. I just need to know that he's going to be here at my bedside when I'm close to dying. He insists that I'm not dying on his watch and assures me that he will stay with me. He keeps saying: "Stop. You're going to be fine, okay? I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Or that heart." And he and Damon insist that I'm going to get tested and they're going to make sure of it, whether I like it or not. Just so they can have some kind of peace of mind. I don't want to! I don't want my nose to bleed because they stick some long q-tip up it and nearly into my fucking brain. Unless its a mouth swab, I'm not doing it. I don't see the point in it if it takes them like a week just to get the results. I could die in that time. People die now waiting for results. This fucking thing doesn't wait to kill you. They need to keep working on that fucking test where you find out in seconds or at least a minute. The only one who I think might be able to get me an appointment for a test would be my cardiologist right now. Who knows? Like I said, it's not worth it if I have to wait a week and just get worse or be dead by the time they get the result back. Christian said I've only gone out of the house once so there's probably only a 10% chance in me getting it and as long as I stay inside, I'll be fine. Well, it's that 10% I'm worried about. After all, my body just loves to make me sick. I'd give anything to be healthy, but I'm one of those people who was born to be sickly.

There's a video I watched today that I wish to God I hadn't. It was about some girl that was at the point of dying. . .but she recovered. Well, she probably didn't have underlying problems like me. If I get this. . .that's it for me. My immune system is weak and so is my cardiovascular system. It's hard enough for me to breathe when I move around a lot but for this to come in on top of that. . .I'll be strangled to death in hours. I feel like I'm in a race against time and Death himself. That I need to do everything I've always wanted to do before its too late. So I don't know what I'm going to do. . .I'm scared. Every day now I wake up wishing this could all be a dream. A nightmare. Or some dystopian/apocalyptic novel that I got really immersed in and forgot that the rest of the world existed. Even a "Charmed" episode -- the "Awakened" episode from season 2. I just hope to God I don't end up like Piper. I've done the pinch test. No such luck, I'm awake. All I ask is that you guys pray for me. Please.

I did have an amazing dream last night about Greg Vaughn. He played "Dan" in season 2 of "Charmed." It was just him and me. He was sitting on the couch that my grandma used to have in her stereo room and he welcomed me to sit next to him by patting the cushion beside him so I sat down and sort of stretched myself out next to him, laying between his arm, the back of the couch and his thigh and we were just cuddling and damn. . .his muscular chest was so hard when I leaned back against him. Mmmm. He was stroking and playing with a few strands of my hair and we also intertwined our fingers with one another and we just laid there together and had a really deep and sweet conversation. It was heaven! I never wanted it to end. He told me that if he wasn't married, he would totally go on a date with me, which was sweet. I was his forbidden affair, I guess. Tehehe! He was really disappointed when he had to get up and leave because my bitch cousin, Lupe, called him to bed. I don't know what the fuck she was doing there but bitch. . .unh-ah! He's mine. Least he was reluctant to go with her. I could tell he wanted to stay with me. My grandma was there after he left and I asked her how long he would be staying there. I was happy when she said it would be a few days. Soooo amazing.

And. . .I'm feeling short of breath again. A little bit. Christian got up from the bed and came over to me to check my pulse ox. He said: "Your oxygen looks fine, princess. It's excellent, actually." 99% - Still. . .fuck I really need some Xanax, or maybe some other pills. Like I said, I'll have to talk to my doctor next week. Facetime or over the phone. Christian's made me promise not to watch the fucking news anymore because it will just make me feel worse and give me more anxiety. I told him I can still hear it in the other room when my mom and her husband watch it and he told me to put my headphones on or turn the TV up so I guess that's what I have to do now. Fair enough.

In other news, one of my Concuans must be really horny today and tonight because he's been trying to fuck me from behind a bunch of times and he really got the side of the bed moving this time. I was like: "Damn! Someone's horny! Yeah, get it baby!" And. . .there he goes again. I wish I could feel it more but its sort of like a dull thrusting motion against my ass that I feel along with the bed moving and maybe a little tingly feeling in my nether region too. Ohhhh yeah! Bow chicka wow wow! I think it might be Carlon because he has that insatiable sex drive. Let me ask you something. . .what is it with guys wanting to fuck girls from behind so much? I want missionary! Am I too ugly for him to look at when he fucks? Ugh! Just like come ON! Give me what I want. Oh fuck. . .he's really making me ache and throb right now while I'm lying here in front of the computer as he. . .does his thing to me.

Also, today, I saw our dog Zoe looking back and forth again for a long time, clearly watching the spirits. Damn I wish I could see them! She must've seen the high speed traipsing back and forth in the hallway like Kat mentioned it being like a freeway.

And now, I'm actually going to try and work on that chapter of my story. Night!