I honestly will never know what true happiness feels like and I want to. . .so badly I want to know what happiness feels like. Just once. Just for one day, or even a week. A week would be preferable. I just want to know how to make my heart feel better because lately, I feel like I'm close to dying of a broken one. Wouldn't that be ironic? Someone with a heart condition dying of a broken heart. I'm sure I'm not the only one in this world with depression who's died of a broken heart and I'm sure I probably won't be the last. God, I wish my therapist wasn't on vacation so I could talk to someone but even then, I don't know if she would actually be able to help me get past this. She said in the past about me needing CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I've been crying a lot lately, but that's nothing new. Every other day I'm crying. Sleeping and crying. That's about all I do. I told Christian that I'm going to die of a broken heart and he said: "No you're not. Not if I can help it." He's a heart surgeon and he's MY heart surgeon so he should be able to heal my heart, right? I don't know why emotional pain is so much harder to heal than physical pain. Christian says: "Because emotional pain comes from someplace deep inside, a place that not even we as doctors can fix sometimes. But we can try and I'm going to do the very best I can, princess, to help you feel better." I appreciate him saying that, but I really don't think anyone can heal me this time. Not even God himself, if he cares enough to help me, which judging by my past, he has better things to do than help me. I told Christian I think I'm going to take my own life but he keeps telling me no, that it's not worth it. I just wish I had never returned to Tumblr in the first place. Not even to reblog gifs of my favorite things, but of course, that led to me going in search of RPing partners and then group RPs, and here we are now. People have been so cruel to me these past three days. I've tried to be nice and I've tried to make a fresh start wherever I go, but somehow, it only ends up with me hurt and left with nothing. I mean, words are one thing, but silence is even worse. It's not hard to tell when someone has blocked you, even when you message them, even when you try and be nice and approach things from a place of understanding and politeness. The more this happens, the more pain I feel in my heart and the more I realize that maybe the best place for me is not only in the ground but also in the sanctuary of my own stories, where no one but my characters can hurt me. I just went and posted this on my Tumblr blog to put those evil assholes in their place:
I will never understand why so many people on Tumblr in the role playing world feel its okay to hurt someone they’ve never met. There’s a person on the other side of this screen and they have feelings. Going silent and blocking someone is NOT okay. Judging them solely by what you see them post on their personal blog or how they talk on it is NOT okay. We are fragile and just because you don’t like someone’s character or don’t think they fit in with your game is no excuse to treat them that way. We are human too. Talk to us and let us come to a reasonable agreement and remember something, just because you see something you don’t like about someone DOES NOT mean that they will bring that same attitude into your game. We’re all here to have fun and some of us are intent on making a fresh start. Give us a chance instead of being quick to judge us.
Am I right? You know I'm right. But sadly, this is how they all behave and they think it's okay because it's their game and like businesses, they have the right to refuse or deny anyone who comes along. I just wish they could see how it affects us, but even if they could, would they really care? I bet they wouldn't even bat an eyelash. I guess some of us are a little more human than the rest. And yeah, that was the reason why I didn't get into that smut RP, because someone or more than one someone went fucking roaming on my personal blog on there and they saw something they didn't like and of course, because they like to "assume" that I would bring that into their fucking game, they refused me application. Me! An erotic romance author with 2,019 loyal readers on Wattpad. If I ever got published, let's just say they'd be kicking their own asses for turning me down. I tried to reason with them but of course, they won't bother to hear it or reconsider, like I've already done something wrong, and of course they blocked me. I even went as far as to send them a message to their ask box actually praising them for having amazing writers in their game and for it being one of the best BDSM games I've seen on Tumblr. You think they even acknowledged that or posted it? No. I honestly don't understand how someone can be so cruel. Well, I tried. I really and truly did and now that I think about it, maybe it was better for my mental health not to get into that smut game like I had my heart set on. Then something occurred to me earlier today. When I've had problems and gotten kicked out of games in the past, I remember it all started because I would get possessive and jealous, and felt threatened and pissed seeing another Dominant character going after a submissive that I wanted Christian to interact with or that I had my eye on. I wanted Christian to be superior to everyone else and for the other Dominants to pale in comparison to his power of seduction and all that. And that was when I decided to do indie RPing instead and stay far away from those kinds of games. You know how they say some things can be a blessing in disguise? Well, maybe this was. Everything happens for a reason, right? I just want somewhere to play Christian or any of my male characters for that matter. The whole Dominant/smut thing doesn't even matter to me anymore. I'm more for character and plot developing, but again, just because I MENTIONED that being part of my character, I was met with silence and likely blocked. I even started out by saying that wasn't what I'm after before I told them about the Dominant thing. Do you see? You see how these people are? Well, I wouldn't even call them people. People are human. They have feelings and empathy. I don't think they even know the meaning of the words.
Looks like I'll be putting that Suicidal Thoughts Workbook to good use sooner than I thought, and that other one, Sketch By Sketch. It's supposed to help you work through your feelings and put them onto the page by sketching and doing the prompts/exercises in it. I just really, really want to put Christian or Dom or Eric somewhere. The reason I wanted to start RPing again was that I had gotten bored with my story and I wanted to branch out and play them against other people, collaborate with other writers. You know? Is that really so much to ask? I don't know anywhere else I can do that except on Tumblr. And I'm just so miserable, more miserable than I've ever been in a long, long time. The only game I haven't gotten rejected from is the new Originals/Vampire Diaries/Legacies game I've joined but its not really active. I just applied for two other games, town RPs. One that looks active and one that doesn't. I really hope to God it doesn't end up being strike three. Sometimes I read the guidelines for the game and I see something that might apply to my character and I think. . ."uh oh. Something else for them to reject me for" but I do leave a note and tell them that I'm willing to play my character accordingly, put certain things under a "read more" and tag it appropriately, or not bring it into the game at all. We'll see. . .but I can just see Christian shaking his head at me right now. I know he's just looking out for me and he's disappointed in my recent behavior but it's the definition of insanity and I can't help it.
I just want to write with someone else besides myself for once. Well, besides Christian. No offense. I love writing with him, but I want him to branch out and meet other people, or have my other characters meet people. I want him to be a part of something. I want to feel like a part of something. Is that so much to ask? I think not! And now it's almost 4:30 AM and Christian is pissed and wants me to go to bed so I'd better go. Wish I could go to bed and never wake up again. Fat chance.