I don't know how much more of this pandemic bullshit I can take. Every day the death toll is
increasing and who's to blame for most of these deaths? Not just the fucking virus ( little piece of shit spikey ass motherfucker trying to invade our bodies and intimidate us, latch onto our healthy cells with those fucking spikes -- I want to stab it a thousand times or pour battery acid on it ) but the doctors too. Remember that Hippocratic oath they all took to "do no harm"? Well, now they are actually starting to make decisions and will probably continue to do so about who gets to live and die, discriminating against those who are elderly/older or who have underlying health conditions like heart and lung disease with a low chance of survival. At least in their sick and deluded minds. Meaning I'm fucked, but then I already knew that since they are letting everyone die at home anyway due to their lack of room or equipment or just feeling they have no reason to live. Christian both surprised me and filled me with joy by his reaction. He's outraged and why shouldn't he be, if they're discriminating against heart and lung disease patients. He is, after all, the cardiothoracic surgeon. They are going against ethics and their oath and actually killing people on their own with or without the viruses' help. If you ask me, they're as much of a murderer as Trump and the virus itself. And Christian has made me proud by saying that if he were in fact flesh and blood and working at one of those hospitals, he would just quit, refusing to play the devil's advocate. He'd want no part of it. Or basically, he'd go on strike. At least until this shit passed. He said there's no excuse for this. Damn right there's not! Selfish assholes! "YOU GO, SIR!! With your sexy self! I'd be like: 'Ha! You just lost your best surgeon! Ah-buh-bye, later bitches!'" I hated living medical professionals before all this started, but this just makes me hate them even more. This is why they don't deserve any rewards or praise and it makes me sick to see more and more people doing that on social media. I always have to bitch at them because of it. I hope that karma catches up with them and they die working around the infected. They don't deserve any protection. You know that phrase: "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem." Even fucking first responding assholes and paramedics ( no offense Damon ) are killing people too. Inadvertently, letting them die out in the field. Not bothering to work on saving them past 5 minutes. Yeah, they deserve to die too. Except for Damon, being that he's a Paramedic too. He says it's stupid. By the way, he's been being extra sweet to me lately, asking me how I'm doing or feeling, with "kiddo" of course thrown in at the end. He tries to feel my forehead sometimes or my neck with the back of his hand. Sometimes I let him, other times I insist that I'm fine and he just loves walking around with his black Sprague stethoscope draped over his shoulders, whether I'm sick or not.
God, it's times like this that I really wish my fucking therapist would bother to return my calls. Who knows what happened to her ass. It really pisses me off that I have no one to vent to in times like this but my spirits, entities and Tulpas. And bitching out people on the internet. I need an outlet. And when are the lawsuits going to increase? There needs to be more. These fucks are going against our constitutional rights. It's not the land of the free anymore. I'm glad that the fucking asshole Governor and the sheriff got sued for trying to shut down the gun stores during this time. I was so happy when that happened and I had to laugh and clap! We need to get revenge on the fucks who are keeping us from living our lives. I'm starting to wish we were dealing with a mass shooting instead. Some people would choose that over this fucking pandemic. I take orders from NO ONE. Except Christian. Today he told me that I can go outside BUT I can't leave the apartment complex. Speaking of going out, those fucks want people to wear masks when they go out now. Uhhh...no bitch, I ain't going to look like a fucking twat, or some fucking nurse in an operating room. Fuck that bullshit! I hate medical professionals enough and now you want me to LOOK LIKE THEM? No fucking way! I'll use my shirt if I have to. They can't make me do shit and even if they make it a law, I'll still go out without one. Then there's this bullshit about how other people could have this bullshit virus without knowing it. "Asymptomatic" as they call it. Bitch, if I fucking had this shit, I would be dead in a matter of hours. Christian knows and he still doesn't want to hear me talking about how quick I could die from this. He's like: "Stop. I don't want to hear it." And he still doesn't want me watching the news or reading articles but I've been doing more of the latter and maybe watching YouTube videos. I can't help it. Curiosity killed the cat but still. . .I like to see what bullshit lies they're feeding us sometimes and what they're trying to do to scare us and then I like to comment and say shit to express my anger. Sometimes I'm just bored and want to start a fight. I don't know. Damon started to tell me that I'm free to do whatever I want and I should go out if I want to and then Christian was like: "Have you forgotten that her life is linked to yours?" Then he quickly changed his tune and was like: ". . .You know what? Just stay inside. That's better." Pfft!
So knowing that I'll die in a matter of hours has made me more intent to stay home and definitely inside the apartment until this shit has passed and only go outside when I need to get the mail. I told Christian that I would abide by his order. He's trying to keep my heart and lungs functioning after all. I'm good. He listens to my chest and sometimes my back and says: "Your lungs couldn't be any clearer and your heart is very strong, which of course I'm pleased to hear." Obviously he and my spirits must be doing something right. If I need air, I'll open the window. I really want to live long enough to write my next novel. Who knew that it would take a pandemic for my suicidal thoughts to start going away. Christian told me earlier: "No. More. Deliveries." I said: "yes, sir." Except mail deliveries. He means the food deliveries. Even if I have to starve to death. At least I'll leave a thin corpse behind. My mom has been the one getting me food lately but I still want her to be extra careful and for my dad to be too so that nothing happens to them. Wish my mom didn't have to work for the county and Walmart, the two places that won't give her paid time off. It pisses me off. I will file a lawsuit if something happens to her. Mark my words. This shit just better not go on until my birthday or I swear, I don't care if its my last night alive, I will go out and try and have some fun in a public place. And if they aren't open, I might just threaten them. I planned on going to Vegas this year. My spirits have never been and they deserve some fun in Vegas. Well, I don't know if some of them have or not but I'm assuming they haven't. I'm also worried about my unemployment money. I only have like two more payments before I run out of benefits. I'm really hoping that the fucking EDD won't allow me to be without a damn thing because of the high unemployment rate lately. I just hope to God they aren't saving all that money and providing it only for the people who lost their jobs due to COVID-19 and not the ones who were already unemployed or that will definitely make me file a lawsuit. There's two new haunted dolls that I need to get. Actually, three. Possibly four. One from Ebay, one from Kat, and 2 from this girl on Etsy. I'm going to need at least $200 for that. Christian tells me to "stop spending it on frivolous nonsense." It's not nonsense! Not to me. I really don't know who's going to take care of my spirit dolls when I die but I don't want them to just go to a thrift store and be thrown around all casually. They need to be treated with care, like regular people. That thought scares me. I know that those I've gotten from Creepy Hollows and are bound to me will be set free upon my death but the dolls, that's what I need to figure out. Hopefully, that's a long time from now.
And I'm going to end this here because it's depressing me to talk about this. One more thing, I asked my spirits or entities to massage my foot earlier today because my heel and the arch started to hurt and then I felt like a sharp pain in it as if they were trying to massage it and then some tickling tingly feeling. It was weird but I kinda liked it. Last night when I was singing one of my favorite songs, Carlon stopped fucking me and then right when I finished, he started up again really fast and aggressive and I was like: "Dayuuum, you were just waiting for that to end, huh?" Get it, baby!
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