Well, I had my second Zoom call with Colin and. . .fuck, where do I even begin? I think talking to Colin for almost two hours really got me my money's worth, but not in a good way. And damn it, my tarot cards were so right about how I would feel after it was all said and done. Honest to God, I should've seen this coming from the start. Never, ever, did I think that anyone could be a bigger asshole than Daniel Gillies, but boy was I wrong. First of all, I shouldn't have bothered sending him that first email that I did on Saturday where I sounded not only mean but passive-aggressive. I guess, in a way, I kind of brought this on myself. At least a little. Not entirely, but a little. I really, really should learn to listen to Christian more often and especially when he told me to leave well enough alone. Okay, so this is what happened. He first started off by asking me how I was, and I told him a little sad, and he asked why and I said because I felt like he was ignoring me. He was like: "Let's talk about that" and then he asked if he could give me a "coaching" session on the use of my language and my perspective when communicating with him. Of course, he had to bring up the email I sent him and I thought, "uh-oh". . .I literally felt like I was in trouble with my manager and being sent to his office to get written up. Or the principal's office. To make a long story short and to sum the first 40 minutes up, he took it upon himself to talk to me not only like my fucking therapist would but also a father lecturing their daughter and to put it simply, I got my ass served to me. You know when your parents or your counselor gives you that talk where they tell you to shut up, suck it up, stop complaining, take control of your life and put your big girl panties on? Yeah, that's the shit that got handed to me and not in a nice way. I mean, fuck, I read up on his Zodiac sign before that whole conversation and damn if he wasn't the perfect example of what a true fucking Aquarius man really is! Let's see, how did Cosmo describe him:
"He’ll gladly listen to your problems and work to give you the best advice. Because he can detach and view things objectively, you always know he’s keeping it real."
But another website was dead accurate in describing Colin's behavior today. In regards to relationships and how to understand him:
An Aquarius man can be difficult to be with. His Sun is in detriment and this makes him vulnerable to all sorts of issues with respect and sometimes makes him take everything that is said way too personally. He will not be hurt that easily, because of his very strong mind, but the feel of constant disrespect might make him distant and detached, as if the person he is with doesn’t deserve to understand his personality. He is talented, idealistic and humane, sticking strongly to his beliefs and guarding his ideals with his life. His mission is not to irritate everyone around him, but to set them free of their prejudice and superficial rules of behavior. It is not easy to understand him, because he doesn’t use the usual forms of communication to show his inner Self. Most of the time he will simply hold on to the strengths of his mind and have a distant, dignified attitude that leaves no room for closeness. If you manage to reach his core, you might find that his image hid some true fireworks in his heart.
And this. . .
Aquarius people are constantly in search of new insight and wisdom. Because of their observant and logical nature, they have an uncanny ability to cut through emotional barriers about a given issue or topic and speak the truth. Aquarius can do this in ways that often shock others and may cause others to gasp. What’s interesting is that when these kinds of remarks are made – they are usually dead on. Aquarius will say what everyone else is thinking but nobody has the gonads to actually verbalize. A key psychological trait of Aquarius is their ability to get in touch with the existential and focus on the question: “Why?” Remember, this air sign is empowered by the intellect and not the emotional, which is vastly different than others astrological signs. People who are born under the Aquarius zodiac sign are often described as “distant” and “aloof” because they use their intellect as a primary connector with the world around them and their feelings second. While they want to fit in with others, they are not commanded to do so. In fact, Aquarius often adopt a “like me or not” attitude and will not waste their time trying to win another person over or gain their acceptance. Again – very different than the other signs of the zodiac.
There's been so much accuracy in all the spiritual tools that I've used in the past 24 hours, it's like not even funny. You could hear it in the tone of his voice that he was annoyed with me through the whole conversation. Cursing at me and shit, mocking me in my complaints and emotions, telling me I'm making excuses and/or that there is no excuse for me to not go after what I want in life or why I can't do it and to stop giving up and blah, blah, blah, blah. All this bullshit that made me feel so inferior and like he was being straight up fucking cruel. There were plenty of times that Damon came up to the computer and threatened to kick his ass, and even told me to tell him that he was going to kick his ass. Calling him a "douche" and rightfully so, telling me to stop talking to him. I honestly never thought I'd see the day that a celebrity would talk to me like this, acting like they're fucking Dr. Phil. I've heard enough fucking lectures from other people berating me about my attitude and outlook on life, insisting that I get my shit together and get out of my own way: my ex-managers, my therapists, my fucking mom, Christian, past teachers/instructors, ex-friends, and now this movie star doing the same shit? Its uncalled for. And get this, while Damon has my back, Christian actually agrees with most of what Colin said. He said he made some pretty good points, but he could've been a little nicer in his delivery. I told him "he's a douche," and Christian is like: "He's a douche because he's telling you the truth?" Pffft. Yeah and according to his Zodiac sign, that's what he does. I underlined and made bold the parts that are completely Colin in the quoted text above. I really wish I had just left it alone and not even bothered spending that $175 just for him to be an ass to me. Even if it was almost two hours worth of Zooming, which is more than I'd get with any celebrity. Makes me wonder if Daniel would talk to me like that. You know, given the chance. Probably, I think Daniel & Colin should get together and go fucking drinking or some shit, being all high and mighty because they'd be perfect for each other. So how bad was the Zoom? For me? Bad. In a way, I'm kind of glad that my computer was being far too slow for me to record a video using my new BerryBlast program because I probably would've felt worse going back and watching it. Without myself on camera mind you. But I did manage to capture the audio on my phone using my sound recorder. He said he wasn't going to be judgemental and he talks A LOT but. . .well. . .read the transcript of the first 40 minutes for yourself and then decide if he's a dick ( gif added to remind you of what this normally sexy man looks like when he's not being so cruel with his words ):
Colin: . . .As seeming like you're in a place where. . .you. ..you're just not quite sure about. . .what is going to happen in the future. Is that accurate?
Me: Yeah. Colin: Okay, and how does that make you feel? Me: Depressed and pessimistic, overwhelmed.
Colin: Mmhmm. Not a fun feeling, right? Me: Yeah. It's just like, ugh, I don't know, I just yesterday, I was just crying a lot and just. . .my friend's like: 'You take things way too personally, and you know, you have to emotionally unattach, you can't get too attached. Something like that. Colin: Okay and what do you---when she said that, how did that land for you? Did that make sense? Were you defensive?
Me: Yeah. It's just. . .I screw myself over so much when I shouldn't. I think ma-- Colin: Okay. Me: I think um. . .in a way, maybe I punish myself inadvertently, and I don't realize that until after its already done.
Colin: Why do you think so?
Me: Cause maybe I think I don't deserve to be happy. Colin: How come? Me: Cause I have the worst luck in the world. I'm like the unluckiest person in the whole world. Colin: Luck doesn't really have anything to do with it. Me: I know. Let's just. . .I know, I have issues. Colin: So do you have clinical depression? Do you suffer from it? Me: Yeah. Colin: Do you take medication? Me: Yeah. Yesterday I was so lazy, so like, not in the mood to do anything and I just, I didn't bother taking any of my medication.
Colin: And when you take your medication, does it help? Me: Little bit. I don't really notice, I don't really notice-- Colin: How different-- Me: It helps unless I go without it and then I get really, really depressed. Colin: Okay. Me: You know, I don't know that its even working until I stop and then I realize "oh! I needed that medication." Colin: Okay. So when you said you get depressed and anxious or overwhelmed with, you're not sure how something is going to turn out, right?
Me: I always, I mean-- Colin: So, after we get-- Me: Go ahead. Colin: What's that?
Me: Go ahead.
Colin: I was going to say after our first call, did you think I was never going to want to talk to you again? Me: I think it was more the fact that um, I don't know, I felt kind of threatened because there was another girl named Amy in the chat and, and I know that's a stupid reason but I just. . .I don't know, I just felt, I felt like, like it wasn't, like it wasn't going to happen because other people would want your attention and then you wouldn't have time for me anymore.
Colin: And do you feel like that has happened to you in the past, where people have not had time for you? Me: (nods) Colin: Yeah. And how does that make you feel?
Me: Depressed.
Colin: How come?
Me: Cause, I d-I just, I'm used to, you know, well I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat, but I'm used to kinda getting my way.
Colin: And when you don't get your way, then what?
Me: Then I feel like the whole world is out to get me. Colin: What does that mean?
Me: You know like ev--
Colin: Out to get you.
Me: Like everybody, like everybody wants to purposely hurt me.
Colin: Is that true?
Me: I have no idea what I'm saying.
Colin: But is that true?
Me: Yeah, but its only because-- Colin: (talking at the same time) Is the world out, is the world out to get Amy La Rue? Me: (talking at the same time) I feel like it sometimes.
Colin: Are your feelings a good indicator of what is true? Me: Um, I guess my perception is my reality, people say.
Colin: Boom. That's--That's where you're getting tripped up. Me: Okay. Colin: So, did you see in my seminar where I talked about the emotions and like fear and anxiety. Do you remember that part in the presentation?
Me: Sort of, yeah.
Colin: I talked about how our feelings are not who we truly are. Our feelings are not who we are. So depression, anxiety, happiness, excitement, that is not, that is not who we are and if we identify ourselves with our emotions, our life is like this and its like being on a rollercoaster and be like "OH JEEZ, OH-OH MY GOD EVERYTHING'S GREAT I GOT A JOB NOW I JUST DON'T KNOW ITS NOT GONNA WORK AND NOW ITS GONNA BE WAAAAA-OH MY GOD, WAIT, NO, THIS IS FUN, THIS IS EXCITING ah no, this didn't work, and he didn't call me back and now I'm saaad and the world is gonna end and--"
Me: Okay, okay, I get it. I get the point. I get your point. Colin: Right? Me: Yeah, I get the point. Colin: (chuckles) So in order to create lasting uh. . .purposeful and empowered, an empowered existence in life, it's gotta come from inside cause right now you are waiting for external results to dictate how you feel inside. Right?
Me: (nods) Colin: And if you don't get your way, look out. I bet you can be very scary when you don't get your way.
Me: I have anger issues to be honest.
Colin: Do you want to get a handle on all of this? Me: Sort of, yeah. I mean I was seeing my therapist but then um, somebody, the slots that I was, I don't know, they got filled by other people so now I have to wait til there's an opening for me to see the two therapists that I'm comfortable with and nobody else at that office is--
Colin: You really need to talk to a therapist.
Me: I, I mean-- Colin: You're going to go over there, you're going be just like: 'yeah I was mad this week, and I was sad and this happened da-da.' Is that how you want to live the rest of your life? ( pause ) Hello?
Me: No. Colin: Hellooo? You froze up. Me: No. Colin: Okay. I didn't think so. Me: (sighs) Colin: So. . .instead of seeking outside approval and basing your happiness and fulfillment on outside sources, what can you do internally to start creating your own fulfillment and your own purpose and where you feel like you don't need any outside approval for whatever it is that you need?
Me: I don't know. Colin: You don't know?
Me: My friend told me, she's like: "Put your emotions into your writing" like create something to, you know, kind of help get out, you know, my emotions if that makes sense.
Colin: Mmhmm.
Me: So I--So I did. I mean, I just out of, I just wrote some random, something random like story form kind of, just a random story. And I felt like, I felt a little bit better when I started to write it.
Colin: Okay. So, do you, um, you understand how our brain works, right? Like in our presentation I talked about the Reptillian brain, and the Billion brain, and the Conscious Human brain, right?
Me: Yeah.
Colin: So, what did that mean to you when I talked about that? Did that make sense to you?
Me: Uh, a little bit, yeah. I mean knew where--
Colin: Okay.
Me: I know where you were coming from with it and I can relate a little bit, you know.
Colin: So, the key thing I'm trying to get at here is that you're stuck identifying you with the way in which your brain works. ( pause ) Hello?
Me: Yeah, are you there?
Colin: Hellooo?
Me: Are you theeere?
Colin: Yep. Yep. Is there a different place you can move in the house where there's a better signal?
Me: Um. . .well, I'm here by the window. I was on my bed like before. Colin: Yeah. Me: Is it working now?
Colin: Yeah.
Me: Or is it just still crappy?
Colin: I think its working.
Me: Okay. Colin: So, our brains create meaning to the experiences that we have in life, right? Me: (nods) Colin: Whatever experiences you've have in the past, you have created a meaning, your brain has created a meaning around that so something happened to you when you were younger and then you decided that you're not good enough, you don't deserve it, you don't, you're like, whatever it is that you decided, that's how you're looking at life, through that lens.
Me: I um-- Colin: Right? Me: Well I was abused, I mean, physically abused and mentally abused at home and in school, when I was growing up.
Colin: Okay. And-- Me: I've sort of, kind of had-- Colin: Do you mind if I ask you about that? Me: Uh, what are you going to ask? Colin: I'm just gonna ask, uh, whenever an experience like that happens to you. . .so like let's just say in general, an experience of abuse, let's say it was your mom or your dad---was it your mom or your dad? Or both?
Me: My dad. Colin: Your dad? Would he yell at you? Me: (nods) Colin: Would he. . .hurt you physically? Me: (nods) Colin: Yeah. And when we're younger, we grow up, when we're younger and we're with our parents, our parents in our little kid mind, our parents are supposed to protect us, our parents are the first thing that we know as we, our brains start to mature and then as soon as something happens to us the first time when we're young, there's a break where you, or us, or all of us, we feel alone. That we are no longer protected. That we feel alone. The problem is, our Reptillian, Million brain, what we do is we think being alone means death because our brains have evolved over hundreds of thousands of years to be, to work as a group. If we're not together in a community and we're alone out in the forest or the jungle, we're gonna get eaten. We're gonna die. So the people that were more socially conscious were stuck together, they survived so guess what, your brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do. Congratulations, you are perfect. The key now is to start using your brain instead of letting your brain use you. So your brain is perfect. Your brain is working perfectly. It is protecting you. It is doing exactly what it was designed to do to make sure that you are not alone. But what's important to you now is to look around. Is there a giant Saber-Toothed Tiger trying to eat you every time you walk outside?
Me: No.
Colin: Or a crocodile.
Me: No.
Colin: Or anything else? Me: No. Colin: No? Okay. But our brain doesn't know the difference.
Me: I think that's kind of why um, like I feel like I'm not so sensitive as to feel like things, you know, my spirits, not being able to be, you know, connected with them like a spiritual medium. I think its, it might be more because I'm afraid to let maybe, maybe I'm afraid to be vulnerable and let somebody in and maybe that's the reason why I'm blocked and I can't seem to, you know, get past this blockage so that I can--
Colin: Yep.
Me: Be free to--
Colin: Because your brain is somewhat, if you let someone in, they see you for the real Amy, that they're going to run away. And then what does that mean? To your brain, that means you're going to be alone, which means you're going to die.
Me: I, I think I'm going to die alone. Colin: Is that true? Me: Well, if I'm 35 and I'm still alone then yeah.
Colin: So. . .the key thing to realize is that whatever you believe, it's probably going to happen.
Me: So you're saying I have to be optimistic? Colin: Well, it's all about deciding how you want to, what outlook you want to choose to have.
Me: I've tried, I've tried the Law of Attraction to try and win a contest to like try and you know, I've tried that whole Law of Attraction, but I don't think that the universe is on my side because it didn't end up working out. I tried like, you know, being optimistic, trying to force, you know, trying to manifest it into existence and it didn't happen and that really, it just totally fucked me up.
Colin: Have you ever gone to the gym? Me: Yeah. But I mean, like, for physical therapy.
Colin: Yeah, so you went to physical therapy, and then you left. Right? Me: Yeah. Colin: And what if you only went one time? It probably wouldn't do anything. "Well, I tried physical therapy, I went, once and my knee still hurts." "Well I tried being in a relationship, it didn't work out so. . .why even try again?" "I'm trying to lose weight, I went for a jog one time and I still have the weight, so I'm just going to give up jogging."
Me: Well I felt--
Colin: You got, it's all about assuming a whole new identity. Cause right now your identity is, is, is stuck on 'nothing's gonna, nothing's worked out in the past, so why would it work out in the future? I've done this in the past, I got hurt, so why would I try it again?
Me: Okay. . .
Colin: Right? Me: Yeah.
Colin: So, I'm going to encourage you, and this is going to require a little bit of trust, but what it's going to help you do is, help you start to reframe the way you talk, the way you show up in life, and over time, if you're consistent with that, you will start to see the changes that you're looking for. You will start to attract the people in your life that will support you. That you feel like you can open up to and be vulnerable with.
Me: Okay. Colin: It's going to take some time though.
Me: What are you saying? Colin: So if you're willing to work--well, all I'm saying is, we'll first start off by taking a look at this email and I want you to become conscious of the language that you're using because first of all our language is a huge indicator of what our reality looks like so. . .
Me: I think, I almost, when I was working at my other job, I almost kind of got fired because there was this girl that annoyed me and I used to kind of purposely, I-I have a habit of kind of trying to get a rise out of people, especially people I don't like. And sometimes I end up saying stuff that I shouldn't say and then it gets me in trouble. And I got in trouble with my manager a bunch of times for being all rude to that girl.
Colin: Yeah, cause you're trying to get control. Cause you're completely out of control. When we say things that feel good, (whistles & snaps) there's certainty in that. We get instant certainty by saying things that "ugh! Got her! Got em!" It feels good, it's almost like a drug.
Me: (sighs) Colin: And when you see you get a reaction out of someone, and you get your boss to say something to you, "ooh, yeah, got em." Fuck them.
Me: Yeah, sometimes I feel like, I kinda, I shouldn't really admit this, but I tend to troll on--- Colin: You what? Me: I tend to troll.
Colin: Troll?
Me: Yeah.
Colin: Online?
Me: Yeah.
Colin: Cause it makes you feel good, right?
Me: Yeah. I must sound like a really bad person to you.
Colin: How do you think it makes them feel? Me: You think I'm a bad person? Do you think I'm a bad person?
Colin: No judgment here. I'm just asking, how do you think it makes other people feel?
Me: Like me. (whispers) Oh my god.
Colin: Ahh. ( long pause ) Yeah, because you don't want to feel alone. ( long pause ) I'm miserable everyone. I want you to feel just as miserable as me.
Me: Well misery loves company ( snickers ) Colin: Yep. There's a pay off for you. There's something that you like about being where you're at.
Me: I don't. Colin: What is it?
Me: I don't.
Colin: Sorry?
Me: I don't.
Colin: Well then why, why do you troll?
Me: I don't know, I'm bored.
Colin: Okay. Me: You think we can, um, move on? Right now?
Colin: Yeah, but this is really important. I'm only going to talk about this for just a few more minutes and then we can move on because this going to affect the rest of your life. Your script is not going to change your outlook and the way you feel. I'm just going to briefly bring up right here, um, so when you wrote this, and I just want to get your feedback. . ."I've been an emotional and tearful wreck since yesterday and overwhelmed with worry and depression about whether or not I will have the opportunity to talk to you again this coming week. I would really love nothing more, if only to pull me out of this unending misery and maybe be happy again. But how can I talk to you when all the time slots that would potentially work for me are taken? Please, if you have a solution, tell me what it is. Da, da, da uh. . .I feel like your coaching sessions are just for your "inspire" empowerment community and you're wasting your time on me. Please tell me there's still hope, because I've lost it already. Sorry if I'm bothering you with your emails. I know you are busy.
Me: I'm a twat.
Colin: Sorry?
Me: I'm a twat.
Colin: So I'm going to, I'm going to encourage you to, whenever you are writing communication, to uh, instead of coming from a place of. . .victim cause that email screams I'm a victim.
Me: There's-there's, if there was ever a character that's exactly like me, it's Max from 2 Broke Girls, I am exactly, exactly the same person in personality because she acts just like me. That's why I always say that she's my TV personality.
Colin: Okay. I don't watch the show so I don't know.
Me: Because she's always so negative and she's always thinking the worst of everything.
Colin: Okay. So honestly Amy, its really going to come down to what you decide because right now, you are choosing, or deciding to be a victim.
Me: Okay. Well I don't want to be a victim then.
Colin: How come?
Me: I don't want to be a victim because then I'll feel like, sometimes I'll feel like why am I even, why am I even still here? Like, like yesterday cause I was depressed, I felt like well I'm not even going to take my heart medication so why don't I just see what happens cause I just, I mean, I don't want to say I'm suicidal, but sometimes it gets to that point.
Colin: Mmhmm. So what do you want?
Me: What do I want what? Colin: What do you want in life? Me: To be happy. Colin: Okay. Me: To have someone who will care.
Colin: Okay. Can you take out a piece of paper?
Me: For why? Colin: We've gotta write down specifically what it is you want.
Me: (sighs and whines) But what about the other thing? Are we even going to talk about the other thing?
Colin: Yep.
Me: We've already wasted time.
Colin: No, no. This is more important than anything. Trust me. Me: Yeah, I know. Still. The thing that upsets me right now is that I don't know if I'm going to get any more money right now and if I want you to help me work through this then I-I don't know that I can have $175 every week.
Colin: Did you. . .did you sign up for Inspire?
Me: I did uh the email thing. I joined the email thing. Colin: Pardon? Me: I joined the email.
Colin: Okay but you didn't sign up for the course, the 6-week course?
Me: No.
Colin: Okay. I would highly recommend you do that.
Me: Yeah, but. . .
Colin: Because its 6 weeks, for $237.
Me: Yeah, but like I said, money is like the damn--
Colin: Right, but over 6 weeks, $237--- is your happiness and your fulfillment, your peace of mind worth $237?
Me: Yeah if I had the money. Colin: Okay.
Me: Damn friggin' stimulus, unemployment, I thought I was going to get more, obviously they said they were going to give more than just whatever, like extra Pandemic Unemployment Assistance and they only gave me what I was making, what I was getting before from the unemployment. So I don't know what, I need that extra money.
Colin: Mmhm. I get it. You have a piece of paper in front of you? Me: Yeah I already wrote what I wanted down.
Colin: Okay, so what do you specifically want your life to look like? If you could wave a magic wand and one year from now, if you were to, whenever those negative thoughts come up, instead of entertaining those negative thoughts, you're going to say 'oh, this is a negative thought, that's not who I really am, who I am is I want to create this novel, I want to be a best selling author, I want to have a relationship where I love the person I'm with and they love me for who I am. If you had all of that, you had money coming in and you weren't worried about money. Imagine what that would look like like let's say one year from now. Literally, just magic, you wave the magic wand, boom! That's what it looks like. What does that look like for you? What kind of job would you be doing?
Me: Being a novelist.
Colin: Okay, in the meantime, because it took J.K. Rowlings, you know, a few years before she had that kind of money coming in, that's the ultimate plan, that's the ultimate goal and I will help you get there. We don't know what that exactly looks like, but if we start creating what that looks like then the closer we're going to get to that.
Me: Okay. Colin: Okay, so what does that look like for you? Where would you be living? Me: On my own. Colin: Yeah, but where? A house, a townhouse, a condo?
Me: An apartment with like my best friend.
Colin: Where? Me: In L.A.
Colin: Do you know where? Me: Hollywood or Beverly Hills or something. Colin: Okay, I want you to go online and pick out, get a picture of whatever that looks like, whatever that condo looks like. (he pulls out the board) I want you to get a vision board. Go to CVS, whatever.
Me: (laughing) Caroline Channing.
Colin: We've gotta reprogram your brain, Amy, cause right now your brain is programmed on negativity. You literally have to start feeding your brain with images. With things that fill you up. Positively. And I want you to get articles of your favorite authors. Like who's your favorite author?
Me: Um, I don't know. (scoffs) I don't have one right now. Just reading erotic romance or whatever.
Colin: Yeah, so who's, like Danielle Steele?
Me: No, I don't know, like uh. . .Karan Deen something. Karan Deen I guess.
Colin: Okay, now I want you to google her and google, find an article where there's her picture and then an article about her, print that out, take our picture and replace it with your picture. Change her name to your name, and I want you to write out and you can email this to me. I want you to write out, you have just won a uh. . .your book just became a New York Times bestseller.
Me: Okay. I'm just. . .can we pleeease get to the thing? I feel like we've already wasted time and now we don't. . .
Colin: We're not going to, I'm going to give you more time, don't worry.
Me: Meaning what? Colin: I'm not going to cut this off at 4:50.
Me: I know, I'm just saying. I know I said I wanted to have a normal conversation but this is more like I'm seeing my therapist.
Colin: I know, but this is important. Has he ever talked about a vision board?
Me: No, but I've seen Caroline Channing do it on "2 Broke Girls." (chuckles) She did it.
Colin: Okay.
Me: Then Max was like: "What you need is a good 9 inches." (snickers) She's like: "You should put that on your vision board."
Colin: Put it on there. ( LMAO!! ) There's a part of you that's resisting this because you just, for whatever reason, you think this is useless.
Me: Well I thought we were going to focus on that story, but I don't know. Is it, are we going to focus on that story too?
Colin: What's that? I can't hear you.
Me: Are we going to focus on the story too?
Colin: Yes we are. I just and I'm almost done here. Does this make sense to you? Me: Yeah, sorta.
Colin: You're not gonna be able to write this story unless you get clear on this stuff. Cause at a certain point, you're going to just give up on this story. You're not gonna finish it.
Me: Well if I know that you're waiting to, (snickers) well if I know you're waiting to play the role of Aiden. (laughs) You know what my friend said?
Colin: What?
Me: She said that, well, I also had this feeling, she said that I have this feeling that maybe I needed to meet you in order to get to where I wanted to be, or something. Like I feel like you have like part in my journey of where I want to be. Does that make sense?
Colin: Mmhm.
Me: Like, you know like when you say, when somebody says you meet somebody for a reason and they help you get to uh, wherever like, like if I wanted to be famous, like a famous actor, or like a famous, you know, writer, I just feel like you have some kind of place in my journey.
Colin: Yeah. Me: I just, I feel that, I feel like I have that kind of a sense.
Colin: Well I'm here to help you. Now what would it look if you had a job and had money coming in for you to be able to pay me? For you to be like: "Alright, I got the money, Colin, let's do this." ?
Me: What would it, what are you talking, what would it look like?
Colin: I'm saying, if you want to keep continuing to work with me, how are you going to like, specific about now, instead of waiting for unemployment or whatever it is, that's a victim outlook. How can you get more money?
Me: I don't know!
Colin: What do you mean!
Me: I don't know!
Colin: You don't know. You don't know how to make money? Me: No, I do know! I'm just. . .
Colin: Or you just don't want to.
Me: What do you expect me to do? Go out there and try to get another job? Colin: Pardon? Me: You expect me to go out there and get a job? Is that what you're trying to get across?
Colin: Well, how else are you going to get money?
Me: Well I told my mom, I said, I am not, I'm not going to go out and apply and get a job right now with this bullshit going on, cause they have all these fricking requirements that you have to, you know, wear (scoffs) stupid thing.
Colin: Wear a mask?
Me: I call it a face diaper (chuckles) Colin: Okay.
Me: But I mean, I can't. I already told my mom I'm not doing that because I can't breathe like that. Colin: Well that's an excuse.
Me: Well its not an excuse! I have a breathing condition.
Colin: Can you not get a job working from home doing something where you could generate some income?
Me: I don't know, what I can do.
Colin: Okay, so. . .
Me: There's not very many jobs out there that do that.
Colin: It's not easy to get any job. People are hiring right now though. So just ask yourself, are you just using that as an excuse to not have to try to get a job? So that's going to keep you stuck and keep you at a place where 'I don't know if I'm going to be able to work with Colin again. I'm going to get depressed. I'm going to say this. I'm not going to be able to work with him and I'm not going to get this done, I'm gonna be alone' or you can find a fucking job. It's your choice! You can use the excuses in your environment and the circumstances of life as every excuse you want to just stay stuck. Or you can be like 'fuck it, I want to write this novel, I want to work with Colin, I want to do this so I will find a way. You think if I went out to Hollywood and I was l like: (mopey voice) Man, there's just so many actors, and what? I have to go to acting class and get an acting job? Yeah but it costs $250 a month, but wait I have to go, like, I gotta, I gotta work and I have to. . .no! (smacking his hand) I want to be a fucking movie star! I want to make a shitload of money, I want to work with some of the top people in the industry, I want my name up on a billboard, I want to be able to travel the world. That's a different way of being. If you want what you want, you want to finish this novel, get it out there, it's never going to get done from this perspective in life. ( pause ) And it really just comes down to you, Amy. What do you want? Cause obviously you don't want it bad enough. Otherwise, you would do what it takes.
Me: (quietly) Okay. Colin: And sometimes it just takes suspending your feelings about it. And be like listen, I didn't always want to go to my auditions, I didn't always want to go to my acting classes, I didn't always want to do it, but because I said I want to be a movie star, I will do whatever it takes. I don't care. I got a job building furniture for $10 an hour after working in Milan, Italy with the top designers in the world cause I was in L.A., I was broke, I want to be an actor so like alright, if this is what its going to take to pay my rent, for me to pay for my acting classes, I'm gonna do it. No excuses. ( pause ) Alright, I'm done, let's work on your script.
. . .And there you have it, America! Colin "fucking " Egglesfield, star of All My Children and Something Borrowed with Kate Hudson, took 40 fucking minutes to get his point across and finally show his true colors! Can you believe this guy? I mean, some people would just say he's stating the truth. Like my mom for instance, but ugh! I just can't with him anymore.
BTW, it's a fucking novel, not a script! Stop calling it that. Seriously, after all I was said and done I was like: "WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM? WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT?" Okay, well actually it was more like: "OMG! He's such a douche! That just makes me not like him at all. To Daniel Gillies, geez, I'm sorry, I apologize, he's worse than you." (in Ted's voice): "Yeah, he's our enemy now." If and I say IF I ever waste $175 on him again for one of those damn Zoom calls, I would have to be desperate as hell for advice, it would be a last resort and somewhere FAR ( weeks or months ) down the road. Honestly, I'm glad I don't have the money right now to spend on him again. Everything happens for a reason, right?
By the end of the session, I asked if we were good if things were good between us and he said in sort of a flippant way, "I'm fine." I don't really buy his sincerity but one thing is for sure, whatever the hell me and him are right now, we need to spend some time apart to both "cool off" before deciding whether we want to approach each other again. And yet. . .my desperation to have a friend in him is clinging to his ass ( which I gotta say, I wouldn't hate if that was in the literal sense ) like he's my rock or something.
Again, like the Aquarius man was described above! Damn, I feel sorry for his girlfriend, if he even has one. Is this what Justin Timberlake, Joey Fatone and Nick Carter are like too? Well, Nick, I've seen him act like this, like a huge dick, and I sense it in Justin because I've seen hints of it a couple times, but Joey? Hard to believe.
I told him about what happened with Daniel Gillies and that I don't like the fact that he accused me of all this and his response?: "He was offended. Cause he's worked very hard to become an actor, and then, you wanted to hire him to act out something for your pleasure." I told him that Daniel was the center of my world and I couldn't help it. His response?:
"Okay, there's, when you say things like that, (mockingly) 'He is the center of my world.' That's a very disempowering perspective. You are the center of your world. He is an actor, he is a guy. You admire his work. You think he's handsome. He's not going to give you all the answers you need or make you happy the rest of your life. He is a person! When you put that much importance on a person, you're going to be disappointed. You're setting yourself up for disappointment. When you tell someone you want them to act out something, it is kinda like, it's almost as if, like, cheapening of his profession."
Pffft!
And then I was like: "But would you feel the same? You probably would though, huh?" And then he comes back with:
"Yeah, what your messages are doing this, that's why I made it kinda comical, I was just like: 'yeah, I'll have fun with this. I'm not going to take it seriously.'"
Fucker! Ugh! Just ugh! With a side of ugh! But I swear to you, I was CLOSE, SO FUCKING CLOSE to bitching him out right then and there and telling him where he could stick it when he had the nerve to start mocking me again for not wanting to put the time and effort to enter these writing contests. He was like: "Oh, its so hard, so hard, so much work." This is one of those rare times that I held back without speaking my mind. I was just like: "That's fucked up." But I apologized to him for being all bitchy and "passive-aggressive" in my email to him. He was like:
"I'm not going to entertain that. I don't entertain passive-aggressive because its just, its like, its a manipulation, and its rude. It's disrespectful."
I'm like: "I'm sorry if I made you feel like that."
And all condescending, he's like: "You can't make me feel any way. I make me feel however I want to feel. I'm just not going to let you manipulate me."
One last thing, when I asked him if I could still reach out to him if I needed to talk or was working through some stuff ( although I don't know why the hell I would subject myself to this verbal abuse anymore ), he said:
"This is what I do and this is what I help people become aware of, what their behaviors are, and then they, you can decide however you want to, what you want you want to do with it. But if you want to continue working with me, I'm going to keep pointing it out."
It made me laugh when he encouraged me (because he could see it on camera) to organize my bookshelves and organize my room. It kinda turned me on a little when he said: "Any little thing that you can start doing that implements some discipline into your life is a good thing." Lol! I love when Kat said: "I bet deep down he lives to play the strict daddy!"
Maybe he does. Even if he won't admit it. I can only imagine what he would be like if he were getting ready to punish his girl by giving her a spanking or strapping of some kind. I imagine him pacing the room while she's bent over the bed ready for him and he starts pointing out her transgressions. Fuck. . .am I really getting ideas for a Colin Egglesfield fanfic just for the sake of. . .shit. It's now implanted in my mind. Like, for real, this is my inner goddess right now:
Okay, fine! I'll do it. For no other pleasure than my own. And because I know his ass won't act that out for me simply for my pleasure. He made that abundantly clear. . .but maybe I could drop a hint just to see how it hits him. Maybe!
One last thing he left me with before we ended our session because he had to go prepare for his show: "Stay focused on what it is that you want to have more of in your life. Do not entertain any thoughts that you're not good enough. Do not entertain any negative stuff. Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Stand up for yourself."
Seriously, why did I even get involved with this man anyway? To make me more head-strong? To toughen me up to more assholes like that in this world? If one of those stalking internet whores who hate me ever find this post, I bet they'll have a good fucking laugh about it. Yeah, you nosy obsessed whores, I knew you would find this, but you know what? I don't care what you think of me. I'm a bitch and I'm proud of it and I'm not going to let Colin "fucking" Egglesfield belittle me like all the other men do to their women.
Will I schedule another session when I get more money? Not this week. Not next week. The first week of September? I will have to think about it. 80% probably not. I need some time away from him and he needs to think about what he's done to me. But I know he won't. He loves himself too much to think he's done anything wrong. Good thing he's not an A-list actor or I'd never be able to get him out of my mind.
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