So yeah, I did it again. And again. My mom will kill me if she knows how many other sessions I've paid for with Colin, and I almost let it slip to her tonight when we were on our way to pick up our food from Benihana, but as badly as I want to show her the new videos and his sweet as hell and sexy reactions to my singing and how sweet he is to me in general, I'm just going to have to keep a lid on it. For now. Just like my dad has spent over $1,000 on seeing his therapist, I had two sessions with Colin this week already. Tuesday and Wednesday. Not exactly $1,000 but $350 ( that extra unemployment FEMA money that I'm hoping I get more of, even though I've probably gotten the entire $900 they said they were going to give -- please give me more! ) that Kat keeps reminding me that I'm wasting and could be spending on myself, but fuck, to me, its worth every penny. I know I'm hanging on way too long and I was rambling about how I was going to be done with him and no more sessions after that Tuesday one, but damn it. . .who am I kidding? This beautiful, complimentary man is going to make me broke as fuck. Just when I think I'm out, he pulls me right back in. I try to hate him and I can't. I'm like Buffy in that season 3 episode "Amends" when she tells Angel: "I wish that I wished you dead. I don't. And I hate it, I hate that its so hard." Fucking sexy asshole has me hooked and I can't get away! I desperately want to beg him to lower his prices, but I know he won't do it. I mean, if it was only $100 or even $75, it would be fine, but $175. It might be worth every penny but it doesn't mean that I don't feel huge regret after I purchase another one. Part of me wants to tell him all of this, just come right out and say it, because I've been holding these feelings inside for so long from him, but I'm also scared of how he'll react. He probably won't be judgemental, because he's not the kind of person who judges and he's told me that before but it doesn't stop me from being scared that he'll take it the wrong way. Or maybe he'll just shrug it off and say "whatever" like he always does when he doesn't want to show his true feelings or that he's actually hurt or offended by what I said. Yeah, I'm starting to learn these little things about him that have double-meanings underneath it all. Just like he knows me so well now too. Damn it, damn it, damn it! Colin "fucking" Egglesfield. . .why do you do this to me? Cause he wants the best for me, that's why and he wants to help me get what I want in life. Whyyyyyyyy!! I wish I had an unlimited amount of money so I could talk to him twice a week every week or even three times a week. Remember how he used to drag me down and make me feel like an idiot and like I'm a child? Now that I think about it, that was ONE time, but he's been nothing but sweet to me ever since and fuck. . .when he smiles at me or groans with pleasure at my singing. . .
This will be a huge kick in the ass if he ends up stabbing me in the back, and is just stringing me along, you know, not actually genuine about what he says and he's just hustling for my money. Kat would probably say that he already is. I just keep thinking about the day when Colin and I actually meet in person, how we'll give each other a big hug and we already know so much about each other so we're just comfortable in each other's presence ( well, maybe not me because I'd be shitting myself and probably pass out with nerves or my heart pounding out of my chest ) and maybe. . .I don't know. . .something magical will happen. Chemistry. I know that's wishful thinking, but if I ever become able to see my Concuans, they can be Colin and we could fuck. Then I can have the best of both worlds. Colin as my Dom/lover in my bed and Colin as my Zoom buddy online. Okay, okay, let me sum up the sessions we had. God Bless him for continuously giving me more than an hour to talk and not cutting me off like Cameo would, but it's still uncalled for that he has to be half an hour late to every one of our meetings because he was out and about and just coming home. At least he's nice enough to text me and tell me he's on his way home and when he's jumping on. At least I got both Tuesday & Wednesday's Zooms recorded without any problems and that's all that mattered to me.
Tuesday:
We mostly talked about The Sims 4, and I showed him my Sim that I made for him. He said I made him look like a serial killer, and asked why he was so serious? Lol. I asked him if he thought it looked like him. He was like: "Errrm, I mean, like, kinda." It's so hard to make him though because he's so gorgeous and he has those high cheekbones. 2nd best cheekbones ever! Daniel takes the cake, but we all knew that! I kinda wish I hadn't spent so much time talking about The Sims with him, and like a dick, he wouldn't even bother giving me a tour of his apartment or take pictures of it so I could make his Sim's place look similar. Ugh! What-the-fuck-ever! Fine, be that way, dick wad. To be honest, I wasted more time showing him this clip of this actress he did a movie with once, Jill Wagner, than talking about his Sim. He didn't know that she was part of Ashton Kutcher's little Punk'd crew way back when and was so surprised by it so I showed him when she was part of the Katie Holmes "punk'd" with McG. It was interesting and entertaining to see his reaction to it, but yeah, I should refrain from showing him any more clips ( except maybe my Daniel Gillies Cameos ), because it'll just waste the time I could use to talk to him. He was like: "crazy." He said that if he were in that situation, he would have just started laughing and been like: "Yo! What the fuck is going on here?" Lol! I really wish he had gotten Punk'd some time. He wanted to see my Sim and to tell him about my Sim, but since I only had pictures of his Sim, I couldn't show him until next time. I find it so sweet that sometimes when I'm talking about him, he somehow finds a way to turn the conversation around and wants to hear about me instead. Awwwww! I just. . .can't. You know, when you're not talking to him, he might act like he doesn't care, but once you're talking to him, he actually invests interest in you like a therapist does. It's hot! I also sang some more songs for him, "The Story" and "Grace" from the Greys Anatomy musical. He loved it of course! I was wearing my new sleep eye mask when I came on the Zoom and he said he liked that too. I love when he compliments me and he does that a lot lately, God Bless him. These truly are "empowerment" sessions! I used to think he was an asshole, but damn it, now he's just a sweetie 80% of the time. Damn him to hell! He asked me if I was diabetic or had a chance of getting diabetes because I was talking about my mom's husband being diabetic, but as far as I know, I'm just pre-diabetic and he asked me if I asked the doctor what that meant when they told me, but I didn't. I mean, I know what diabetes is, and my mom and her husband have it, but I don't and I don't give a rat's ass if I'm in danger of it. He asked me what's it like living with my parents. Ugh! I showed him my room and he was like: "Lot of clutter." He told me he hates clutter, so I guess we could never live together. Lol! Not that I would be lucky enough to live with him. Maybe if he took me to TVD/TO convention in Chicago and I was staying with him. Lol! I wish! I told him I wish he could take me and he was like: "I wish." Too bad he doesn't live out here in California, like in L.A. or something and then he could give me a ride or something to a convention. ;) Give me a "ride". . .in more ways than one. It was SO hot when I asked him to rate his skills on a scale of 1-100. I didn't realize until after I looked at my Sims game that I should've asked him to rate it on a scale of 1-10 and not 100. Durrr! I still loved hearing what he rated his skills on. Here they are:
Charisma - 97% ( 9 )
Fitness - 95% ( 9 )
Naturism (Nudity comfort) - 85% ( 8 )
Persuasion - 80% ( 8 )
Sexpertise - 70% ( 15 )
Me:
Acting - 75% ( 7 )
Comedy - 70% ( 6 )
Cooking - 50% ( 7 )
Gourmet Cooking - 50% ( 5 )
Handiness - 75% ( 7 )
Media Production - 75% ( 7 )
Mischief - 60% ( 6 )
Photography - 65-70% ( 6 )
Singing - 20% ( -7 )
Video Gaming - 2% ( 2 )
Writing - 75% ( 7 )
Pet Training - 70% ( 7 )
Dancing - 60% ( 6 )
I bet Bruno Tonioli would say:
I can't wait for him to be on DWTS, hopefully next season! And OMG, he did the most hilarious impression of Bruno during Wednesday's Zoom! I'll try and post a clip of it here sometime in the future. As far as dancing, he was like: "There's room for improvement but I can move my hips."
My first thought. . .
That'd be nice. Mmmmm. . .yeah baby! Have I told you how much I love to watch him as he listens to me sing? Just sitting there at his desk, eyes closed and smiling, sometimes bobbing his head. He LOVES IT! So much. It's something I crave, just like when I sing and people cheer and applaud for me. When I'm done, he says stuff like: "Amazing," "wow," "so frickin' good," or just "so good!" After I sang "The Story," he was like: "Amy, you have to be a professional singer." Still, he doesn't get that I'd rather be a writer because there's no way in hell I can get over my stage fright. I have a fear of public speaking for Christ's sake, not just public singing. And then there's that whole matter of me hating other people in the business and being vengeful and going violent if someone criticizes me. And hating to show my fat ugly self to the world. So many reasons. Writing is where I need to be, behind-the-scenes, where I don't have to show my face ( except at book signings ). I mean, how many fat and ugly female singers do you see these days? Not too many. That's why Julie Plague's (Plec's) fat warthog ass is a writer. Cause she can't be anything else with her ugly fat ass. So writing is where I'm staying. The singing career can be a side option later. I say this when I'm already 36. I might as well be dead now. It's way too late for me to make something of myself, although I know Colin would disagree with me big time. I just feel like giving up on my dreams. What's the point? It's too much work and I don't have the patience for it. Colin would probably say: "If you want it bad enough, but you don't." Just. . .what's the point? I just want it to come to me and not the other way around. Yeah, I need another session with Colin so he can give me some "tough love" again. Anyway, he did some of the accents for me again. He tried to do Russian but he sounded more Ukrainian and he says it's hard to do for him because he gets them mixed up, but it was funny when he did his southern accent. Lol! And the British and Sweden ones. He's so funny and cute at the same time! I read him the last few pages of my outline for my "How To Save A Life" novel and he loved it! He said it was awesome, and he knows there's going to be enough in there and a lot of juicy details in there that are going to make people wonder what happens next. Well, duh! :) That's why people love my stories so much because I can write page-turners, sometimes. He is totally my biggest fan and I couldn't ask for a hotter one than him. I sang the "Grace" song for him ( him with his eyes closed and smiling once or twice ) and he was like: "Amazing. So good. Amy, you are so talented! It is awesome. And I can't wait until you get your book done and out there, all of this is gonna be good. The world needs to see and hear your voice and your writing. I'll help you." Such a sweetie! And I know I shouldn't have said it, but the words just came out and I told him that Kat was mad at him because she thinks he's playing me for my money and he said: "Well, this is what I do for a living. I'm here to help support people in going after what they want to get accomplished." Yeah. . .I guess this is really all he is doing now to make money. *sigh* Since he's not getting any new roles, especially during the PLANdemic. I don't know that I would shove $175 in his pants, but looking like he does, as Max Black once said: "Money well spent!" I know it wasn't the best meeting session because I wasted a lot of time with that clip but still. . .I wanted more after that, even though that was supposed to be my last one ever. I know I keep saying that and lying to Damon and Christian and my mom but still. . . I can't help it. I can see our relationship blossoming, whether he considers me just a client or not. I can tell there's something there between us. Even if it is hidden beneath the surface. So that was the end of our session.
Wednesday: This was a much better call than the other one, but I swear, I nearly gave up on him after he was a half-hour late to our call again because his ass was out and about again instead of being at home where he should be. I think he made some kind of smart ass remark that I didn't get on video where he said: "I'm not like you, I can't just stay home all the time." Pffft! Whatever. He had his glasses on for half of the call then took them off. He didn't have them on on Tuesday. I can't decide which I like more. Glasses or no glasses Colin. I'm leaning more toward the glasses though. It just makes him look cute, in a cute Geeky way. He seemed to be in a really good mood. Instead of asking me: "So how was your week?" He said: "So, what did you do today?" It was a nice change. Like he's my boy toy just coming home from work.
I just told him I slept and he asked me if I would like watching motivational talks and if I'd like him to send me any . . .uhh no. Unless they're of him. I was watching Maleficent at the time and I was quoting her when she was at the coronation for the baby and Colin smiled, asking me what it was from and then he was like: "You definitely need to be an actress." I honestly think I'm a shitty actress, unless I'm not in front of a crowd. I'm decent when I'm not in front of a crowd, but I guess being a drama queen helps. Somewhat. I don't know. I don't think I'm any good. I'm like a 4 on a scale of 1-10 when it comes to acting. Just mediocre at best, BUT that's not important, it was WHAT HE SAID NEXT that's important, THE BEST FUCKING OFFER EVER! Well, maybe not as good as being his submissive would be, but still pretty damn good. He said and I quote: "If you have any scenes you'd like to rehearse here, let me know."
At first I was like:
Then the more I thought about it and all the possibilities, I was like:
This coming from the same guy who said: "I'm not just going to act something out for your pleasure" in our second call. Why the sudden change? I don't know if it's because he knows me better now and knows how talented I am, or because he feels comfortable with me or what, or he's just trying to be nice, but wow. . .just wow. I mean, he's no Tom Cruise, even though he looks like a younger version of him, and he's definitely no Daniel, but fuck. . .to act something out with his gorgeous self ( even though we're not touching ) would be so fucking hot!! He tried to suggest me playing a character from The Originals but I told him: "No offense, but you're no Elijah." He just shrugged and was like: "Whatever." But its the truth. Only Daniel can be Elijah, only JoMo can be Klaus. There is no substitute. But there are three roles I have my heart set on him playing with me:
Christian Grey
Dex ( his character from Something Borrowed )
Dr. Aiden Hendrix ( the character I created for him )
He said we could do those last two, and I doubt he'll say "no" to Christian Grey because he's been talking this whole time about how he would've been a better Christian Grey than Jamie Dornan. All I need to do is find the "Grey" book and take pictures of the pages for the scene I want to do with him and then email them to him. Or do that with the "Something Borrowed" book once I start reading it and find a scene between Dex & Rachel. Or even Dex and Darcy. I am SO fucking excited for this that I'm going to skip my next Once Upon A Time Book Club pick and get right down to reading the novel so I can find some hot scenes. And of course, finish that short story I started writing about me meeting Aiden as author to character. Eeeeeep! Yes! I'm going to finish that one this weekend so we can do it next Tuesday. God, I really hope the government keeps that money coming and I don't just mean the $224 every two weeks. Just gotta make sure my mom doesn't find out but I need this. A gorgeous man, an actor no less can't just proposition/offer me something like that and not expect me to jump at the opportunity. I would fucking die if he ran out and bought a stethoscope or something for our scene. Lol! I know, I know, he probably won't but still. . .I can throw it out there. God, I love him for offering this to me! Just. . .sweet Jesus! I can't even. Although I don't know how I'd be able to get through the scene without cracking up or getting all hot and bothered and probably faint at my computer. Okay. . .must breathe.
Moving on, I told him about my recent dizziness that is seriously worrying Christian and Damon, along with my chest pains. Christian tried to put his stethoscope on my chest a little while ago when I was lying in front of the laptop but I covered my chest, not wanting to let him. He can do it later. He was like: "Sweetheart, let me take a listen. I need to take a listen." I told him he can do it later, but I digress. Colin asked me if I drank water today and I showed him my half-empty bottle of Dasani and he was like: "How much? That's it? That should be like your fifth one today." He's sweet to care about me, sexy Dr. Egglesfield or Dr. Hendrix I should say. He's like: "What about the faucet? Dasani is just as bad." Pfft! No, it's not. He said that restaurants are starting to offer different types of water now. For real? That's news to me! I talked to him about the shows I'm currently watching and DWTS and that's when he did his Bruno Tonioli impression and he had me laughing my ass off. Like I said before, he does a really good and funny one! Lol! I gotta find a way to get that part up. He says they need him on there. Yes they do! He asked me about some chick named Chrishell. I don't know who she is, but he says she's his friend. I just looked her up. I guess she was on All My Children with him. And I had no idea he was on Celebrity Name Game 5 years ago, but I looked it up and mmm, he looked so fucking hot and sexy! And he asked me if I watched Jackass. Lol! Yes! I told him I met Steve-O once and that he pulled his dick out on stage and did some trick but my mom and I weren't looking. Lol! He was like: "Ugh!" Glad Colin and me have a favorite in common. He did a couple more accents for me: Australian and Cowboy. Lol! Loved it! He asked me what I'm grateful for and I swear, I almost said him but I didn't. I forgot about my Tulpas. I'm grateful for them and I said I'm grateful for Daniel Gillies. I said the latter when he asked me.
And then he started telling me how beautiful and great I am. But I denied it and I told him I hate myself and he's like: "That's a horrible thing to say." I told him like how can I not believe that when people were so mean to me growing up. And his response was: "That's people. People are fucking crazy. People are idiots. Look around. Why are you believing people, like idiot people? You're basing your reality on idiots. That's idiotic. The fact of the matter is, you're incredibly talented, you're incredibly witty, you're smart, you're funny and you don't even believe it." I believe the rest but I'm sorry, I just don't believe the part that he thinks I'm beautiful, even though he seems genuine. A man as gorgeous as him could never be attracted to a girl like me. Except in the astral realm or in my dreams. I broke down my skills for him because he wanted me to do that the day before and he was asking me about certain things. When I said I have 0% Charisma, he smiled and said: "Bull crap." Lol! He thinks I have charisma but nooo I don't. I told him I'm only a 2% in Cooking and he asked me what my favorite thing was to cook and I told him I can only make grilled cheese and scrambled eggs. I told him the story about how I accidentally put a cup of noodles in the microwave without water when I was working at Kohl's and how it caught fire and burned and he gave me a funny look like: "WTF?" Lol! I told him my Mischief skill is 80% and he was like: "Yep, definitely." What did I tell you? He knows me so well now and my strongest category is Singing at 100%.
He says I nail the Nelly Furtado song, "I'm Like A Bird" and he wishes Simon Cowell could hear me sing. Oh God no. Then I started singing that "Give It To Me" song by Timbaland with Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake and he was just so cute, just sitting there bobbing his head and pursing his lips, grooving to it. I don't plan on singing it anywhere else but he was like: "Yeah, I wouldn't sing that one on The Voice." Well duh! I did sing the whole P!nk song "Try" for him with instrumental background music. He was like: "that's so good" and that I sing it better than she does. And he was so cute when he gave me a thumbs up and going: "yes! It's so good." You know? Like he was watching from the sidelines and cheering me on? SO. DAMN. CUTE!! I can't even with his adorable and cute self in these moments! He's my biggest fan, I swear to God, and I looooove it! And his smile. . .fuck, that smile. . .I could stare at it all day. He has one of the top best smiles to me. I sang "Can't Fight The Moonlight" but I don't think he really cared much for that song. I was talking to him about the nasty lyrics that are in "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones and "I Wanna Love You Forever" by Jessica Simpson. He was surprised, obviously not realizing the things the lyrics were hinting at. Lol!
He wanted me to drink my whole water by the time we finished the call, but of course I didn't. I kept asking him his opinion on why I could be dizzy, but now that I think about it, it was probably when I irrigated my ears to get the wax out a day ago because I didn't have it that much before or even at all, but it had to be done so I could hear again because my ear was giving me trouble Monday night. And when we were talking about me getting outside and going for a walk every day for 45 minutes and sweating, he had the nerve to ask me how much I weigh! Yeah. WTF? Can you believe him? That's not the kind of thing you ask a girl! I was like: "I'm not telling you that, you can kiss my ass!" I never tell anyone that, except my doctors and sometimes a nurse or two. He asked me what my life would be like if I weighed 110 pounds like I want, and I told him how I'd be confident, narcissistic, slutty and I would think I look pretty and talk to more guys. I really hate talking about things like my weight and my ideal body, especially with a hot guy like him, it just makes me so uncomfortable, even if he doesn't believe looks are everything. I told him about my old middle school crush, Chris, this one guy I had who gave me his attention for a night, touching me and everything and giving me a full body massage and all. We didn't have sex or anything because I was still living with my mom and grandparents, but when he offered me ecstasy, that guy, that was the end of that. He asked me about my dating life and I told him about how the only dates I've been on have been with internet blind dates that were a disaster. And Colin was a sweetie to me again, telling me: "You have a lot of amazing things that are very lovable about you. Like, you're a very smart person. Again, you're witty, you're smart. You may be attracted to someone based on how they look, but what's also very sexy is someone who's witty, smart, funny, who knows how to, kinda like connect to different parts of life and can pull from other areas." Awww! He started referring to how some people are boring to talk to and I asked him if he thought I was boring to talk to and he said "no." Awwwww! And all this time I thought he did. I wish I hadn't interrupted him when I asked if he ever thinks of me when he's not talking to me. I'll have to get the answer out of him next time. I really gotta know for my own peace of mind. He says I'm very loveable. Well, he obviously hasn't seen the REAL me. I asked him why and he said: "You have a sparkling personality. You are mischievous, which is fun. A lot of people are boring, you're not boring."
And he was all telling me about how back in the day, in the Renaissance, hefty women were considered attractive. Yeah, I guess I can see that. I've heard about it once. He keeps telling me to be kind to myself and is trying to get the point across for me to be kinder to myself but I can't. I hate myself too much to be kind to myself. It's going to take a long ass time for me to have it beat into my brain. It's just not possible. He says that I'm the only one who can change that. Still though. . .I just can't find anything good about myself other than my amazing singing voice. He says that there are things that I'm passionate about and that's a lot to like about myself. Whatever that means. He thinks that me being the best version of myself would be a good gift to my future partner. And I see where he's coming from, but it's going to take A LOT OF WORK! On his part. Just like I said to him in my peeps page. Yes, I still have him up there and I'm not going to take him down anytime soon. He's too much of a sweetie lately and our relationship is blossoming so beautifully! Thank you, Lord Jesus for answering my prayers!
For example, today, when I emailed him, OMG! I asked him if he would act out a scene as Aiden for me, like in the short story I wrote, he said "sure" and I said: "Thank you, you beautiful man!" And you know what he said back? He said and I quote: "You are so sweet. :) You're welcome beautiful woman. Have a great weekend!"
Sweet baby Jesus! I can't even! I did a straight-up double-take when I read that. I swear I thought I was dreaming because its not every day that a guy calls me "beautiful." Least not without wanting something in return. It's hard to hate him or not want to talk to him anymore when he says things like that to me. It just fucks me up! He's got me on a string and I can't break free! I'm riding that man forever now. Pffft! I wish. I mean, when he says these are "empowerment" sessions, they truly ARE empowerment sessions. I've said it before but I'll say it again. He's one of the few men in this world who truly believes in me and wants to make me feel like a better person, and OH, MY GOD! I kid you not, I think I made him straight-up "hard" singing that Jekyll & Hyde song, "Someone Like You" for him before the end of the call because he covered his face with his hand and was like, "Wow. Oh my God" with this happy and aroused look on his face, eyes closed, and got real quiet for a minute. He was like: "That is world class! That is Broadway! I'm gonna punch you in the face if you do not---I swear to God. There's people that would kill to have your voice." Fuuuck. I can't, I just can't. . .he said I could sing that song for him anytime, thanked me and said it was lovely to talk to me and now. . .
Can't wait for next week! Sorry Damon, sorry Kat, you've lost me to the dark side. And most of all even more, I'm sorry to my bank account. Money well spent!
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