Remember when I wanted to kill myself because I was broke and I didn't have any more money coming in? Well, now I want to kill myself again. I'm seriously hovering on the edge of just putting myself out there, going out and getting infected with COVID on purpose so that I can die and put an end to all of this, to all my pain and suffering. That's the surest and easiest way to commit suicide now, especially for those of us who are already high risk and know that our bodies would eat itself alive in a matter of hours if we got infected. I'm going through so much heartache and pain right now. I don't even know where to start. First, there's the issue of money. Not having enough money to make myself happy, to buy the things I want, and definitely to talk to Colin again. Matter of fact, even if I had the money to spare, I still wouldn't do it. Not anymore. After everything he's put me through, all the neglect, ignored emails, ignored feelings, and insensitivity, I hate him now. Finally. Officially. I just can't do this with him anymore. He's far too busy to consider anyone's feelings. He doesn't give a shit about me, and just like Damon said, he never did. He doesn't answer my emails. . .unless I specifically ask about setting up another Zoom meeting and he knows that money is coming his way. I emailed him a day or so ago because all I wanted was to say "hello" to him and see what he was up to, see if he had a location for that "Panto" show that he wanted to put me in next year. And do you think I got a response? No. Today, I almost did talk to his sorry ass via Zoom but then I decided against it. He was ready to talk to me at 2:30 and everything, but I went and emailed him back, pouring my heart out about what I've been going through lately, all the crying I've been doing and stress I've been under, how much I want to die just to escape all this, and the financial hardship I'm in, and how I don't know what I want lately or have anyone to turn to and I feel so alone. And of course, like the prick that he is, I got no response in return. After all that and it was a semi-long email too, sort of stream of consciousness in a way and I was crying when I wrote it. I mentioned that but you see? He's far too busy to deal with my drama. And he obviously can't be bothered unless I'm paying for his help. Then, suddenly, he's available again. You see how this works? How he's stringing me along? How much time and money I've wasted on him only to be even worse off than when I started? He could never be anyone's friend and definitely not mine. I've had it with him and I'm done. Officially. I can't keep being jerked around like this and have my feelings get hurt. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Damon and Hyde and Kat were right all along. Colin Egglesfield is a waste of time. He never cared about me. He just wanted my money. I mean, you think he'll even care if he doesn't talk to me for three weeks or more? No. He told me once he doesn't think of me when he's not talking to me. Honestly, he probably wouldn't even give a shit if I died tomorrow. He'd just be like: "Oh well. Whatever." Last week, I was able to have another Zoom session with him. I mostly did it because I wanted us to bury the hatchet after our tense email exchange, and also so he could read the new part I added to my short story about Aiden, which he didn't even portray half as well as he did the first time. He just sort of half-assed his reading of the lines and playing his role and it pissed me off and was a huge disappointment. I was so disappointed that I gave up on finishing that story. I don't need him wasting my time and giving me a shitty performance, half-assing as opposed to what he did the first time. Even the sound of his voice is starting to annoy me now. So here's where it ends. It's time to let him go, just take out the trash and remove him from my life.
I hate living in a fucking country where the government doesn't care that its people are suffering financially. I tried to have hope and be optimistic, which is something I don't ever do and completely out of character for me, and I even tried praying to God (since he answered my prayer last time to get more money when I needed it), but this time, I realize that there's no hope left. There's no more financial help coming to me or anyone else. No stimulus, no unemployment boost, nothing. We are entirely on our own now. My unemployment claim, the regular pay of $224 I'm getting every two weeks will be exhausted soon and I'll have nothing more.
So there's the money thing that's making me want to kill myself and why I've been crying. The second thing is my bitch ass aunt who is still leaving her shit all over my bathroom floor and the toilet, literal shit. My mom has to clean it up for me whenever that bitch decides to shit and leave it behind on the toilet because she can't see it, even though she says she cleans it WHICH IS A BIG FAT FUCKING LIE!! Evidence doesn't lie. People do. She must be as blind as a bat. I don't deserve to have a dirty toilet covered in shit and right now, that bitch did it again and my mom isn't here to clean it, so that means I have to either go outside on the patio and pop a squat to pee, or I have to wait like three more hours for her to come home. I'm so sick of this shit! I don't deserve to live like this. I feel like I'm in a fucking concentration camp. And that bitch ass cunt told me that she's going to stay an extra week when she's supposed to be gone by November 11th or 13th. I swear to God, this better not be true. At least I was able to get a Thred Up blouse out of her, although now I wish I had just stored her credit card information and charged her for another one. That's what that bitch should do. Every time she leaves shit on my toilet and bathroom floor, she should buy me another shirt to make up for it. I just hate her so much that I actually want her to die, maybe on her way back to Florida. It might sound fucked up, but I would actually be relieved if she died. I wouldn't have to deal with her shit anymore. Literally. So that's the second reason I want to kill myself and why I've been crying.
So losing Colin is one of the reasons (but I think kicking his ass to the curb has also empowered me too. . .in a way and I'm not so co-dependent on him now because I'm doing like Kat told me to, keeping my expectations low), not having more money is the second reason, the third reason is, of course, my bitch ass nasty aunt. And I guess a fourth reason would be that even my dad has abandoned me. I was talking on the phone to him about how depressed and stressed I am and how I just want to die and he said he wasn't going to talk to me while I was talking nonsense or some shit like that and then he just hung up on me. It pissed me off so much. I mean, fuck, I have no one to talk to right now, to listen to my problems, or offer me advice or help me get through this emotional state. I don't know what to do right now. I don't know who to turn to. Damon and Christian tell me that I still have them, and I have Dom and Hyde but it's just not enough. I love them and I appreciate that they care but I need more than this.
I'd give anything to have any of my male spirits show me some love right now, or even to make me feel loved and wanted. I just don't want to feel alone anymore. I wish my Concuans still cared to touch me or even wanted me anymore, but they abandoned me a long time ago. I rarely meditate now because I get tired so early now and by the time I go to sleep, I'm falling asleep. That's probably why I can't feel them anymore because I don't meditate like I used to but I'm just too tired, way too tired and I'm so sick of feeling this way. I wish I had energy like other people but I sleep for most of the day. Hell, I wish I was as sensitive to feeling and hearing and seeing spirits like other people. I feel like such a failure and I feel like all of my spirits are unhappy here. The children probably get sad because mommy doesn't pay attention to them as much as I should.
So I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like living, but what can I do? I told Christian that I just want to stop taking my heart medicine, but he won't hear of it. He's still being the caring Daddy he's always been to me. Like this morning, I thought it was the sweetest thing when I was on my computer and he came over to cover me up because it was chilly in here. He does that a lot. My grandma used to do that, cover me up with the blanket when it was cold and she would tell me: "Cover yourself. Stay warm." It was sweet. He takes such good care of me and God love him for it. He and Damon still take care of me as much as they can, and so do my medical team. I honestly can't wait to get this damn wisdom tooth out. It's been bugging me so much and my gums are sensitive when I touch them and I'm like complaining to Dom about it and he just tells me to hang in there, that they'll get it out soon. He told me I should've gotten it out earlier this month but yeah. . .it was too soon for me. I need to have time to psych myself up.
And I'm dead tired now so I'm just going to end this here.
Comentarii