I honestly don't know what to say right now as far as Colin and I go, but aside from that offer he made me to act out a scene with me, he's back on this whole singing thing. Where do I begin? He asks me to sing for him every time we have a Zoom session, and this week, he actually told me he wants to introduce me to his manager in L.A. who represents musicians, and for me to pick two songs to sing for him when he does introduce me. As sweet as his offer is, I told him that I would rather be a writer first and a singer second, but honestly, I gave up on my dream of singing professionally a long time ago and for so many reasons. I've told him before that there are too many people in the business that I hate and if I were around them, I would refuse to keep my opinions to myself. I know Colin tells me: "well, you don't have to do that" but he's not the boss of me. If I want to do that, I will because that's who I am, and I like making others feel inferior. It makes me feel good. I would cause trouble wherever I went, not to mention turning violent, suicidal, and homicidal should someone harshly criticize me on my singing or something else I value about myself. Now he wants to make me a star and I just don't want to be known for my amazing singing. Mainly because he's one of the few people in this world who think I'm a good singer. Impersonating other singers doesn't make me a good singer and if I'm not trying to sound like someone else, I hate my own singing voice. Plus, there's that whole matter of having a huge case of stage fright. I would go into SVT or tachycardia and go into cardiac arrest if I had to get up and sing in front of people. I mean, okay, I've been in front of people before but those were all terrifying moments for me that I don't want to repeat again. The only place I feel comfortable singing is in my own bedroom, where only my spirits and entities can hear me sing. So thank you, Colin, but no thank you. Unless he can guarantee that I won't have to sing in front of more than two people or just one, but I know that's unlikely. I really would like to meet Colin in person though, so if that were possible, I'd probably just meet with this guy just so I can meet Colin in person, should he be there. Colin was like: "You're going to make your fame singing." No, sorry, I gave up on that a long time ago. I'd rather not. Singing is a hobby for me. That's all it is now. Just something I like to do for fun. Or as some people would call it, my "party trick." Colin said that if Simon Cowell heard my voice, he would sign me to a multi-gabillion dollar contract. Pfft! No way in hell. Simon is rude and picky as hell. My mom and I both know it. I sang "A New Life" and "Bring On The Men" for him this week. After I sang, "A New Life," he tilted his head back, clapped and said: "It's like listening to heaven. It gives me the chills. I'm listening to the words of heaven." Uhhh, no, it's really not. It's like listening to someone trying too hard to sing when they really can't sing on their own. So yeah, that's out. I'm going to tell him next week what I've decided. But if he finds a publisher or agent looking for new authors, he can let me know.
So I won't say much else about Colin because, well, there's not really much else to say. Our session might've been almost two hours long, well, an hour and a half, but yeah, it took long enough for me to figure out how to send him the link to my Dropbox where I put the scenes for us to do from Fifty Shades, and even then, we only got through one. I swear, it pisses me off his lack of initiative. He should've opened the folder, downloaded and printed them out a long time ago when he emailed me saying that he would days before. He really is getting on my damn nerves, and he was back to being a fucking smart ass again this Tuesday. I swear, if I didn't know any better, I'd think he was a Gemini. But he's not. He still acts like one though. So getting the Dropbox thing sorted out took like the first 15 minutes up, and then he printed up the pages for the "First Meeting" between Christian & Anastasia, and he was such a fucking asshole when we were going to start, fucking around and reading it like he was fucking retarded or something, like a doofus. It pissed me off that he thought he was fucking funny and wasn't even taking it seriously. I was like:
It just pissed me off so fucking much. I was like: "Colin! Stop! Why are you not taking this seriously?" And his dumbfuck ass was like: "Isn't that how he does it?" Fucking shithead! Ugh! Just ugh with a side of ugh! And I'm getting sick of the fact that he doesn't remember shit I tell him either. I mean, fuck, I know that his ass talks to "so many" people as he claims but it's just not acceptable anymore and I can't take it with him anymore. I'm even seriously considering whether I should bother with him next Tuesday. He never does what he says he's going to do and I'm starting to think he's as big of a hypocrite as my mom. Fucking asshole! It's a good thing he doesn't read this blog ( he couldn't even remember I had a fucking blog even though I told him a couple of times before ) or he'd be offended AF and probably done with me too. Whatever. If it comes down to it, yeah, I'm going to be pissed that I wasted so much money on him but I know that it happened for a reason. And damn it, I keep forgetting to give him my "suck-it" face when I'm talking to him. Next time, I'll be like:
I should just go into the meeting and be like:
Needless to say, he finally stopped fucking around and took the scene seriously so we could do it ( too bad we can't do it for real). If he hadn't, yeah, we would be done and I would've bitched him out for being a hypocrite and a dickwad. I've called him an "ass" a few times already, but he doesn't seem affected by it. He just laughs it off or doesn't acknowledge it at all. Whatever. The only thing I'm not sick of is his smile.
Fuck. . .that smile. It's hard to be mad at his smart ass when he flashes that gorgeous smile at me. Fucker! Whyyyyyyy!! It's my kryptonite. Same with Daniel. Damn! And yes, that pic is from our latest session during our reading of the Fifty Shades of Grey book scene. I'm weak. When he looks at me like that I just. . .
Fuck me. I can't! I just can't! He's going to kill me one of these days. So fucking beautiful that smile. So does he make a good Christian Grey? Ermm. . .scale of 1-10? I'd give him a 6.5. He's definitely better than Jamie Dornan, that's for sure. He's not AMAZING AF but he's decent. He'd probably perform it better if he had it memorized already. Or we were reading from the script and not the Grey book. I would've chosen the original book from Anastasia's POV, but I wanted to hear him do most of the talking/narrating. Now I'm wondering if I made the wrong choice BUT I will say this. . .hearing him utter Mr. Grey's thoughts when he reads is hot as fuck. Yet another reason why I chose the Christian POV. Those thoughts are what a girl's wet dreams are made of. It was hilarious when we came to the part where Ana asks him if he's gay. He was like: "WHAT THE FUCK?" Lol! The book said "What the hell!" but his ad-lib had me LMAO! If he didn't put a little bit of feeling into his delivery of everything, I would have given him only a 5. I'm so pissed that I can't find any scripts for any scenes I want to do. I looked everywhere online and could not find one script of the Fifty Shades of Grey series. So mad! And the only episodes I can find for Orphan Black (where I'd have him play Paul), are the first two. So yeah, I still have my Aiden short story that I have to finish so, assuming there IS a next time, I guess we'll just do that one until his ass figures out how to get the other scenes from my DropBox THAT I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM TO LET ME KNOW VIA EMAIL IF HE DID AND HE SAID HE WOULD but do you think he did? No. His ass is far too busy for moi. See, I would've scheduled another Zoom session for Wednesday or even this Thursday, but he said he would be working. He had some social media shit to do at some spa on Wednesday, and Thursday, he's going back to Utah for something. Probably that real estate crap he always does.
I found it kind of ironic that at the same time we had our session, his first guest appearance on Rizzoli & Isles was on Lifetime. I was literally watching it while I was chatting with him. With the sound off mostly, but yeah. I told him it was pretty ironic. Don't you think? So after we did that scene together, then I talked to him a little about my parents and what my dad has been proposing, which I know will never happen because my mom doesn't feel that way about him anymore and she's still with that dick, who, by the way, is still in the hospital. He's been there since my birthday. He had CHF or something. Some fluid in his lungs, and then he's, of course, got that whole wound on his leg that the bitch nurses used to come over and check three times a week, so there's that too. My mom says something about it being like "Rehab" or something. It's probably just another word for physical therapy. I've enjoyed having more time to spend with my mom and also having the apartment all to myself in the daytime! What whaaaaat!!! I don't know when he's going to come back, but my fun of having the place to myself is about to end because the person I hate most is going to be here next week. My bitch aunt. The one who can't keep her mouth shut is nosy AF, and helpless to the point of shitting everywhere. Literally. She shits everywhere. I swear, I would rather die than have to spend another day in this apartment with her again. That cunt uses my bathroom and the last time she was here, she shit all over the floor and my toilet. So I have to wipe down the seat every single time I use the toilet and she doesn't get all the fucking shit off the seat. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT!! She should have good enough vision to clean that shit herself. After all, she was the one who left it there. Also, she doesn't know how to close the bathroom door quietly, and when we're all trying to sleep, she stays up all night talking loud on the phone to her fucking husband/boyfriend, whatever. That bitch should be staying with someone else, not us! And oh, heaven forbid she be left alone in Florida when her husband/boyfriend is away. Bitch needs to get that "Life Alert" shit so we don't have to be responsible for taking in and catering to her smelly, gross, convalescent ass! I'll be lucky if I don't kill myself or her when she gets here Tuesday, yeah, the same fucking day that I might be talking to Colin again. Yeah, maybe ranting to Colin about the bitch would help, but knowing his ass, he'll probably take her side and then I'll hate his fucking guts again. I swear, I need an outlet for my homicidal rage. Hmmm. . .I should ask Kat for that hex on my aunt. Or some kind of voodoo shit, something to get her the hell out of here sooner rather than later. I can't believe that bitch is going to be here for like a month or more.
So back to what I was saying about my session with Colin. I talked to him about my parents and showed him I was drinking water, and he said he was proud of me. Awwww! Thanks, sexy! I'm tempted to call him "Daddy" but that would be a huge betrayal to Christian and he's already taken that role. I told him about how I'm a big boy band fan, and about my thoughts on Something Borrowed, the novel that I've started to read looking for more Dex & Rachel scenes. Some long ones preferably for us but WTF?! There's just short scenes between them and I'm half-way through. I told him my girl crush is Scarlett Johansson and Colin agrees. I told him about how I couldn't find any Fifty Shades of Grey scripts online and how I'm pissed the old Hollywood Book & Poster Co store in L.A. is closed now, because there's where I used to get all my scripts. I showed him my dogs and he is encouraging me to take them out for a walk around the block. He saw me fanning myself with my nightgown and asked me if it was that hot. I told him about how I can't put my AC any lower than 74. I forgot to mention that its because my damn mom doesn't want to pay a huge bill. He's like: "You gotta put it on 69. It does no good until you put it down to, like, 69." I didn't know he was a collector of crystals but he started holding and messing with his pink Rose Quartz crystal when I started to sing. I looked it up and its meaning is for unconditional LOVE. Hmmmmmm. . .wonder what that means for us or his feelings for me. It must mean something!
I'm sure Kat will be able to read into that more, even though I know I'm probably just getting my hopes up. Anyway, I did my singing then he started eating some Altoids, telling me about his manager and everything. In a patronizing voice, he was like: "I know it's scary right now, but you can do it." It was then that I finally fessed up that I had recorded the audio of that big ole long lecture/speech he gave me a long time ago. He asked me if I listened to it again and I told him yeah, even though there are some parts that make me mad, like when he was saying: "So hard, so hard, so much work." And then I got him started again in doing that and he was like repeating it the same way that he did in the other session and adding things like: "I gotta do things. I don't want to grow-up." I told him I should've said some shit to him at the time and he was like: "No, that's your little monkey brain. That's what your monkey brain says." Pffft! How rude. Yeah, I think he was in a pissy mood for our session, at least a little bit underneath it all. He's more patronizing and mocking when he's in a "mood." I showed him that stage door video of when I sang "Bring On The Men" to Deborah Cox and he was like: "See! She said the same thing I did!" Then he had to go. As usual. I swear, I wish we could just talk all day long. For 3 hours straight or more! I mean, I get my money's worth every week but still. . .the major thing I want is to not have to pay him for these anymore, but yeah, like I've said before, I know that's never going to happen. He "makes his living" this way. Ugh! Shit, he could at least lower his price. Charge $50-100, no more than that. Even $45 like he charges on Cameo. Next time I talk to him, I'm going to ask him: "Is there any chance you'll lower your price for your sessions some fucking day or is it going to stay that way forever?" He'll probably be like: "Well how much do you think I should charge?"
And the cherry on the top of a delicious Zoom sundae, the last thing he says to me and does nearly had me creaming my panties. He gives me this coy smile and says: "Until we meet again. You behave. Or I'll make you behave." Then takes the USB cord and starts swatting his palm with it.
Yeah. . .that happened. I was like: "Don't tease me!" Fuck, if he does that again or says or does something else. . .I'm gonna die. I'd rather he had a belt or some other sex toy but yeah, still hot as fuck. Damn!
So enough about Colin, on Monday, I finally went to the damn Endodontist, even though I really didn't want to go, and I was trying to put it off, but you know Christian & Dom. They won't let me and if I tried to, I would be in deep trouble. I've said it before but the only time that they let me get out of an appointment is when I'm not feeling good. If I'm well, I have to go, which I was. I really didn't want to go because it's like half an hour away, and that would mean having to have my damn neck gaiter on for the long drive, but yeah, I just do what I always do and wear it beneath my nostrils and no one says a damn thing to me. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it! Glad they didn't force me to get my temperature taken or make me fill out another form about COVID. I did have to fill out a packet of other patient forms though like you always have to do when you're a new patient. Christian sat down beside me while I did, in his sexy sophisticated way that he does, one leg crossed over the other. I really love this social distancing thing. It's like people are finally starting to respect not only your personal space but that you have a Tulpa along. It leaves room for them to sit and stand when and where there didn't used to be room for them. Helpful to strangers but not if you want to get near celebrities. Anyway, Dom stood between me and the door that led to the exam rooms. I'm glad I wasn't the only one there who was consulting for a root canal. But seriously, having to wait over an hour and a half to be seen is fucking ridiculous! They're lucky I didn't just walk out. It better not be that way every time I go there. I had my Kindle with me but still, my ass was starting to go numb and I was complaining to Dom and Christian. I was asking Dom if it usually takes this long at his office and if there was anything he could do. His responses were: "It can. Sometimes. It depends on how many patients I have/they have and what they're getting done" and "I wish I could, but I can't." Typical. When they finally did call me in, they made me take a fucking picture. They said they were using it for my file. WTF? Since when did they become the DMV? I didn't smile, so I don't even want to think about how my picture came out, but then they led me to a room and wow, since when do dental chairs have a TV right in front of your face? That was new. My dentist usually has it in the upper corner of the room. I asked the lady in there about it and she said it was to help some patients relax. I don't think I'd have, no, Dom doesn't have that in his exam rooms. He just plays light (easy listening, chill, adult contemporary, soft rock) music or will make use of the nitrous oxide if he needs to relax one of his patients. Yeah, that's how Dom's exam rooms are and they have the comfiest dental chairs ever.
Anyway, Dom and Christian both went in with me, standing in the corner, both giving me these really firm and paternal looks, Christian insisting that I better behave and Dom agreeing. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes but just kept quiet. As long as they didn't call me by that name I hate, we wouldn't have a problem and I told them that at the desk. The nurse lady took an X-Ray of my tooth and then the dentist came in and took a look in my mouth at my tooth and ugh! I do NOT know how I'm going to get through the damn root canal, because even though I was trying that strategy of tucking my thumb into my hand to keep myself from it, I was gagging like crazy from his gloved fingers. Gagging so much that my eyes were watering. I told him I have a huge gag reflex, so that's something that's going to be challenging as fuck for me. Hopefully, when he numbs me up, I won't be able to taste those nasty latex gloves that much. At least my first dentist had flavored gloves. More dentists should opt for them damn it. I'm seriously going to need my medical team and Dom & Christian to keep me calm the day of the root canal. Just talk to me and get me to focus on something else. Maybe I do like I did the last time I had a root canal, have my music on and headphones in and my eyes will be closed of course. The dentist said he's worried about my gag reflex. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. I'll try though, I really will. Before I left, this lady called me into her office to discuss the cost of the procedure with me, gave me a prescription to take for the infection in my tooth, and set my appointment date. So stupid that they don't send the meds straight to my pharmacy. Lazy assholes! So looks like I'm going to have to pay $150 out of pocket for the procedure. My insurance is covering like 80% of it, but still, there's that extra left. There goes one of my Zoom sessions with Colin. I recently rescheduled it for November, because I didn't realize I had scheduled it on a Tuesday when I was there and that's my Colin day. Dom and Christian aren't happy with me for pushing it further out, but I told them I can reschedule if the pain comes back.
After the dentist, we walked across the parking lot to Staples. I really wanted to go to Party City too, but if my ride was going to come and get me, I would've missed it entirely if I called after 6pm to the transport service. I figured while I was out there, I might as well go do a little shopping. Even if I really didn't need to. I just wanted an excuse to and there were no other stores in that plaza worth going to, although Damon really wanted to go to Guitar Center. I wouldn't have minded that but like I said, we were pressed for time. Christian was sort of rushing me the whole time we were there. He was like: "Sweetheart, what do you need from here? There's nothing here you need" and "Sweetheart, come on. We need to get on our way. You're going to miss your ride." He sounded like my mom. Shit. Lol! Damon defended me and was like: "Hey, if she wants to shop, let her shop." But I think my spirits liked the change of scenery since its usually a dentist's office they see for an outing. I got a couple of notebooks, a 50 pack of Crayola markers, some post-it tabs ( I needed those ), a thesaurus, a couple of Smart Waters and some snacks (Cashews and Fruit Snacks). The girl at the register complimented my shirt. It's the one I got from Torrid with the cat faces wearing sunglasses. After I paid, we left and walked back to the dentist's office while I called for my ride then waited a while until they got there 10 minutes later. I like that the guy had this little iPad strapped behind the passenger's seat where I could play these little picture mini-games. I got addicted to it real fast so I was playing it the whole way home.
And that's pretty much it. Christian is pissed at me because its bedtime and I'm not getting ready yet so I gotta go. Night night!
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