I really don't understand why God continues to watch me suffer and doesn't do anything to make things better, aside from getting me excused from Jury Duty, thank you GOD. I'm really glad I sent that email. Thank you for that God, I really appreciate that. That's the only good thing that's happened lately. I can't even begin to describe to you what I've been going through these past couple of weeks and how much I've been trying to work up the courage to kill myself. I know that Damon would say that it's not worth it and that I shouldn't give these cunts the satisfaction, especially when I know for a fact that I brought this on myself.
So remember when I gave up role playing, well I really should've listened to Christian, hell I should listen to him more often because as stubborn as I am and as strict as he tends to be, he does know best. It only takes going through another incident for me to realize that. I was better off staying out of it and just keeping up with my writing, but I just had to go looking for an excuse to try my hand at playing Elijah from The Originals. I figured that since I created Christian out of him, that it would be pretty easy for me to speak for him with his dialogue and mannerisms and everything so I decided to join this multi-verse fandom game that was a combination of Legacies, The Vampire Diaries, and The Originals universe set in New Orleans. That should've been my first warning sign that things weren't going to go well. I mean, fuck, all the fucking fans from those shows are rude ass and cliquey cunt whores, we all know that from experience but I was naive because they seemed so nice and welcoming, especially being that I was playing a major character. I've never been a Discord user before and I honestly wasn't even planning on joining the chat, maybe to say "hi" once and then go back to playing, but somehow, I decided to hang around there and I might've said some stuff that those cunts took the wrong way and felt that I was "personally attacking" them and how they play their characters and that they weren't good enough. Honestly, those bitches twisted my words around, as they often do. I even told them that I was willing to interact with anyone who wanted to interact with me/Elijah, but its normal for me to have my favorite characters and replies. I mean, fuck, doesn't everyone? I'm only human. And when they heard that, they felt I was personally attacking them but that's life. That's the way it is when you role play. You're not going to like everyone the same. They really need to fucking grow up and realize that. Those are the facts and whether they like it or not, not EVERYONE is going to like them enough. They clearly couldn't handle the truth. I mean, I didn't exactly name names of who I thought was good and who wasn't, I wasn't pointing fingers, but there are some characters whose replies I looked forward to more because of the character, not the fucking writer. They didn't understand that. And then, of course, these bitches had to go talking to the admins of the game, like they're known to do when I didn't even personally attack any of them individually. They clearly took my comment out of context, which again always happens because some people can't handle that life is like that. Honestly, it was really immature of them to take it to the admins instead of confronting me directly and asking me about the comment. I would've gladly clarified it for them, maybe in smaller simple words they could understand. And then of course, they imply that I was making them feel. . .wait for it. . .THE FUCKING WORD I HEAR FROM EVERYONE BOTH ONLINE AND OFF JUST BEFORE THEY SEND ME MY FUCKING WALKING PAPERS. . ."Uncomfortable." I've really grown to hate that word after hearing it so much from everyone that I try and socialize with that it's made me both suicidal and homicidal at the same time. They want uncomfortable, I'LL SHOW THEM THE BLADE OF MY FUCKING KNIFE OVER AND OVER AGAIN! HOW'S THIS FOR UNCOMFORTABLE YOU PIECE OF SHIT SUICIDE-INDUCING COCKSUCKERS? HUH? ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE NOW OR SHOULD I STAB YOU A FEW MORE TIMES?
I wish, I wish, I wish that Damon & Hyde were flesh and blood. They would totally be down for killing anyone I wanted them to and best of all, they'd get away with it and let me watch, with popcorn and everything. I'd just be sitting there like:
It would be awesome! Hyde's even offered before to bring me their head on a silver platter. He's totally the Klaus to my Hayley. I'm just so fucking sick and tired of this shit happening OVER and OVER again. I mean, technically, I do bring it on myself without even realizing it, but that's because I'm opinionated, outspoken, and tactless. That's the way I've always been and there's no changing that. I don't want to change that about myself. There are so few people in this world that don't have the fucking balls to stand up for what they believe in or make themselves heard because they're afraid it will get them into trouble, but where would we be without them? You have to be aggressive in life to get what you want, and if you're not, no one is going to do it for you or read your mind. You have to be willing to take a stand and sometimes, you have to fucking hear the truth. You may not like it, but some things have to be said. Other things, not so much, and that was my mistake. I need to learn to keep my complaints to myself when I want to get my way. Manipulation is better than complaining, letting them play into your hand, then you feel like the bigger person. So yeah, there went that fucking game.
Christian didn't want me getting involved with RPing on Tumblr again from the start but of course, like an idiot, I didn't listen to him, and well here's where we are now. He didn't even want me returning to Tumblr as it was, even if it was only to have a personal blog for reblogging the movies, shows, and other things I like. Mostly movies and tv shows. He didn't even want me doing that. He explained to me that it's his way of trying to help me, to keep me happy. He knows what it does to my spirit and how much stress it adds to my life and after what happened in the past, he doesn't want the same thing to happen again. I appreciate that he cares and he doesn't want to see me get hurt again or create more trouble for myself, but just once, I'd like to take a break from my own writing and collaborate with someone else on something. Let my characters branch out. His character. Or Dom or Damon. Is that so bad? I can't believe that all this went down in a matter of hours. That's the fastest I've ever been fucking kicked out of a RPG before. A new record. But those cunts can't handle the opinions of others. I should start lying about my age on Tumblr to make myself look less pathetic. I already lie about my name. Well, it's my middle name now but since too many people knew me by my first name years ago, I figured this is better but still. Not 37. No. Maybe I'll just say I'm 30. Yeah, 30. Say I'm 30 or something. Yeah, 30. Now I'm considering joining a different RPG, one aimed at BDSM because. . .Christian. And he can be a Professor teaching medicine and a Dominant too. He, of course, refuses to do it no matter how much I beg and plead and bribe him, but I still want to and I'm actually working on the application right now. I just hope he gives it a try. The least we can do is give it a try although this will probably end up being a two or three strikes and I'm officially done sort of thing. Well, might as well say it. . .STRIKE ONE.
So yeah, all of that plus the fucking Jury Duty summons bullshit has been causing me anxiety and depression and making me want to kill myself. I've been crying a lot the past few weeks. It's worn me out and caused my face to leak with snot and tears. Just ugh! And then there is the other bullshit that happened earlier this month, not getting the full physical that Christian wanted me to. My fault? Hell no. Far from it actually. Remember when I told you I had changed my doctor and was going to see this new one. Despite the face diaper/mask he was wearing, he was young and definitely kind of cute but I didn't get my full physical. Why? Because 1, they apparently don't do a full physical on the first visit when you're a new patient, and 2, they only scheduled me for a 10-minute slot so the doctor didn't have enough time to do everything. This made both Christian and I frustrated as hell because why the fuck would the call center schedule me for a physical like I told them to and then not give enough time? And since when the fuck does an actual physical take 20 minutes? That's what the dumb bitch nurses said at the front desk when I tried to schedule another appointment for one. Keyword being TRIED since they were bitching about their computer and switching to a whole new system. No, from all the videos I've seen and all the courses I've taken on medicine, a full, thorough physical takes AT LEAST 30 minutes. Now, who's not doing their job properly? And the doctor said that he would probably have to split it up over the course of multiple visits, even if he had to double-book me. I thought that was sweet that he would make time for me, but it was really off-putting when I showed him and told him the list of conditions and problems that I have and he said if he was going to address all of them that day, he would basically have to "close the clinic" just for me. Pfft! And also when he said: "I'm taking time away from my family to be here."
It made me feel like I was a burden. The doctor said that the way he does it, he likes to take a medical history first and then address some of the more pressing issues, the ones that are currently bothering me. I guess I didn't really have a choice but to let him do that even though I tried to get the point across that I needed a full physical since its been so long and I didn't want him to miss something. Not for me, more for Christian, but no. He didn't really seem to be that worried about it, even though he claims that people come to him with lists of problems all the time and also claims that he "wishes" he had more time with his patients. I don't really believe that one, but yeah, whatever. Of course, I got my vitals checked by the nurse when I first went in there and was weighed and my height measures, but basically the doctor just half-assed my physical, pressing on my stomach and percussing my stomach (NOT EVEN LISTENING TO IT LIKE HE'S SUPPOSED TO), listening to my heart and lungs (thankfully with a professional stethoscope and with an amplified Littmann for that matter, which was a relief), checking my ears (wanting to give me drops for the wax instead of flushing them out like he could have), my throat, pressing and punching (are they supposed to fucking punch you?) my back and checking my legs for swelling. That was it. Christian was really frustrated and upset about the guy's half-ass job and him not wanting to do a full physical on me that day as he had hoped, but I think being a doctor himself, he understood a little. Not entirely but a little. Christian is really intent on me getting the full exam since he knows how long I've been struggling. The doctor ordered some lab tests (which I still haven't been notified of yet - unbelievable) and had me do a urinalysis while I was there. Of course, after struggling for like half an hour, I couldn't give them but a few drops since yeah, I didn't have to pee at all. I should've drank a full Snapple before because that shit makes me pee every half hour. The lady said she was able to get it tested so yeah, they said it was normal. No UTI. Shocker considering I always get them but that was a relief for Christian at least. Still, like I said about trying to schedule for another appointment, that shit didn't happen because of their fucked up system. And I felt like I was getting the brush off and personally offended when they tried to schedule me a physical with someone else because the fucking doctor is supposed to be going on vacation until the end of March or until April or some shit. Ugh! Could he have picked a better fucking time? That's when they told me that they don't do physicals for the first appointment if you're a new patient and that it shouldn't take more than 20 minutes. There was also something I wanted to tell the doctor that I forgot to mention when he was taking my history, about my upper respiratory seasonal allergies. Of course, they said that he would call me back right after the appointment because he supposedly had two phone consults and do you think his fucking ass called? Or that they called me back to set up my next appointment? NO! Not. A Fucking. Thing. I really should've known by the shitty ass reviews and the hospital they're associated with that this wasn't going to be easy for me or that they would be any help. Christian and the guys are pissed at them too, but at least he consistently told me not to blame myself, that none of this was my fault, I did what he wanted me to and that we'll find a way to get me that physical, and find another doctor to do it, no matter what it takes. I told him not to waste his time though. I don't want another doctor. I just want this one to get his shit in order and care enough to actually give me that thorough physical that Christian wants me to have. But honestly, I really don't see that happening. Even when I reached out to them, they didn't seem to want to schedule me for any more than a 15-minute time slot, even when I was transferred directly to the clinic from the call center to try.
This is why Christian wants me to call my insurance up and see where else I can get a physical that they'll actually take the time to do a thorough once over, he thinks maybe urgent care or a non-profit organization like Planned Parenthood. And he wants me to have a backup physician in case this one really doesn't work out. I don't know. I really don't. The office tells me to wait until next month when they'll have the doctor's schedule for April so they can try and see when they could get me in for that physical but I really don't see it happening. Neither does Christian. So I guess we just wait. I'll seriously have to tell them flat out that I feel like I'm not getting the care I should be getting and that my boyfriend and family insist that I get a thorough physical because of all my problems so they want me to have one. Christian says I should refer to him as my boyfriend if I have to but try and get it across to them that I need it to be a thorough physical. I really don't give a fuck anymore. It just makes me want to die even more. I have a death wish, remember? No one will miss me. Except maybe Christian and the guys but that's it.
And yeah, that's about it for the shit I've been dealing with recently. I'm trying to finish the last chapter of my novel and I'm almost there but like I said, sometimes I want to take a break from it and let my characters branch out and collaborate with other writers. I'm half-offended that the other RPG I was talking about has a Matt Bomer character playing the school physician. Why can't Christian be the school physician? I feel like I'm being upstaged by them and that might. . .lead to. . .strike two. Unless I can curb my jealousy and just sort of see him as Eric like in my story. Maybe they could be cousins in the game too with a rivalry. I want some kind of rivalry between them because I think the IC writing would help my frustration if I just let Christian put it to him the way I want to. We'll see. I just really hope there's someone in that game who's a cardiophile (gets pleasure from heartbeats and all things relating to the human heart) or has a medical fetish like me. If I like it there, and they let me, maybe I'll bring Dom or Nathaniel in too. Dom can teach dental medicine and maybe have his own dental office at the Institute, and Nathaniel can teach literature of course.
So now that that Jury Duty bullshit is out of the way, I guess now I just work on what I have to work on. And try not to kill myself. I got a new CPAP machine, but as usual, its not making me feel any better energy-wise. Figures. Christian insists that I use it but it makes me feel so damn groggy. Not good at all. So that's all for now. I'm going to go off and feel sorry for myself, and try not to kill myself too. You know, the usual.
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