I swear, man, I haven't been this good at visualizing my Tulpas since I had Hyde around, but today when I
went to the dermatologist and I was waiting outside for my Uber with the other guys, I totally had the best visualization of them all and knew exactly where they were, especially Eddie & Buck. I was seriously blushing and getting a little shy just standing there on my phone waiting for the fucking ALC transport service to schedule me another ride since the foreign fucking asshole that was supposed to pick me up decided to cancel because he couldn't find our fucking place. . .typical. Anyway, I could see them all clearly, nearly down to what they were wearing and the way they were standing. Let me break it down for you because it'll look and read better that way.
Dom was wearing jeans and a button-down shirt ( sometimes he'll wear slacks instead, which is his usual outfit, or navy blue scrubs if he's in the wonderland in his office ) and he was leaning against the side of the house.
Damon was wearing his black leather jacket ( despite it being over 100 degrees outside ) and boots, jeans, and a T-shirt and was standing a few feet away from Dom in the middle of the driveway.
Christian was wearing a suit, as usual ( again, despite the heat ) and he was leaning against a pillar on the outskirts of the carport, arms crossed over his chest. Buck was wearing a white short-sleeved polo shirt ( yes, ladies, it was clinging to his big biceps ) and dark jeans, and white sneakers. At first, he was in an LAFD shirt but then he changed. Don't know why, just did. He was leaning against the next pillar with his arms and ankles crossed like Christian.
And last but definitely not least, Eddie was wearing a short-sleeved LAFD T-shirt ( fuck. . .his biceps and those forearms were doing such amazing things 😍😍 ) and navy blue slacks and black boots and he was standing right beside me at the end of the driveway. His hair was definitely season 6 hair, spiky and kinda cute and he had his hands on his hips and he would alternate between looking around at the other houses and back at me, squinting a little in that cute way he does when he's outside in the sun. So did Buck, by the way. Sweet Lord, I couldn't handle Eddie standing there that close to me looking fine as shit! It was just. . .wow. He was. . .wow. A vision. I couldn't help staring at him and biting my lip. He caught me staring at him of course and smirked and he was like: "What?" I just shook my head and blushed and looked away. I could see Buck was loving watching the two of us and how shy I was getting. He was smiling then had the nerve to mouth to me: "Ask him out." And I was just looking at him like. . .
I swear, he's so intent on hooking us up, even though, technically, we've already shared a passionate kiss in the wonderland. Where does he expect me to ask him out? Like where would we go? A restaurant in the wonderland? I'm assuming so. Anyway, even if I did get up the courage to ask him out, I can't do it in front of the other guys. Not even in front of Buck. I still don't know how Christian would feel if he found out that I had feelings for Eddie, although he probably already knows that I'm leaning toward wanting to make him my boyfriend, and I don't want to break Christian's heart. He and I have been together for so long, and Christian thinks of me still as his submissive. I mean, I don't know if Eddie has feelings for me. He's never actually said anything but his actions definitely speak louder than his words. Like he always finds some way to get closer to me or touch me. I mean, he could just be doing it to be friendly but then what was that kiss we shared? I admit, I initiated it, but now I feel awkward about asking him about it. Like today, I straight up told him he was like a brother to me, and then I quickly corrected myself and said that he wouldn't be a brother to me if, you know, he had feelings for me. Just to clarify. Buck tried to help explain but I shut him up before he could jump in and add to the awkwardness of it. Eddie seemed to be feeling a little awkward and confused but eventually, he was like: "I get what she's saying." Not in a sad way though, thankfully. In an understanding friendly way, like maybe he suspects something but he doesn't want to come right out and say it then and there. God, I want to ask Eddie so bad what he feels for me, how he thinks of me, as a friend or. . .maybe something more. But I'm so scared. You'd think I would know him and my Tulpas better than they know themselves, but honestly, I really don't. I don't know how he would react. And I really hope to God he's not tapping into my mind right now and reading this. He says he's not, but you never know. Do Tulpas have a way of turning off their telepathy for the sake of my privacy?
Anyway, I digress, I got a little off track from what I was talking about, seeing them all out there with clear visualization. Even when I went to sit down on the edge of the planter on the outside of the driveway, Eddie came over and sat down beside me. See what I mean? He's like attached to me at the hip. Always wanting to stay close to me whenever he can. Christian used to be like that, but he hasn't been much lately. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Christian so much and he's still around, but I don't want to break his heart either. We've been through too much together, and I know there have been a couple of times when I've noticed him looking jealous of me and Eddie together. If it bothers him, I know he won't say anything about it though. He's too sophisticated and tactful for that. But every time I think about it, I feel like shit. So back to Eddie. . .he always does this thing where he comes up behind me and sets his hands on my shoulders. He'll give them a pat or a squeeze of reassurance, sometimes even start massaging them a little. Or I'll get up from my bed and try not to trip on the stuff around it and he'll like reach out and take my wrist or my arm to try and guide me to safety. Sometimes he'll go as far as to put his hands on my waist and be so sweet and comforting and say stuff like: "Easy. Easy, take your time. I got you. You okay?" And on the inside, I'm just like. . .
He even reached out to feel my carotid pulse after I got winded from putting my shoes on when I was getting ready to go out. I was just lying there on the bed trying to catch my breath, with him and Buck telling me to breathe and then he turned and pressed his fingers to my neck to feel my pulse. Then again after I put my other shoe on, he felt my wrist pulse, and even though Buck asked him how I was, even he took the liberty of scooting closer on the bed to feel my wrist pulse for himself. My God. . .what they do to me. I can't.
Eddie even sat next to me in the Uber car, Buck took the passenger's seat and the other guys of course just probably went into the wonderland until I got there. And he also volunteered to be the one to go into the exam room with me. Usually, it's just him and Christian, but Christian allowed him to go out of all of us this time. I don't know if that was intentional or not, or simply because I couldn't decide who to pick, and we were pressed for time. Eddie was the first to speak up, of course, offering to go with me. He just stood there across the exam room, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, keeping an eye on me, having to move when the PAC came in of course.
Naturally, it's what I thought it was. That angular cheilitis bullshit. She gave me some cream to use on it for like two weeks and then stop and then use for two more weeks. That's what she said to use anyway. But of course, like, Eddie, she said I have to stop picking at it or it'll leave a mark. Damn. 😣 He's like: "See?" Whateves. It was so nice and cool in that office, but of course, it's hotter than hell when you get out of it in the lobby of the building. I was sweating like a pig of course. When we got downstairs for me to call for my ride, I sat down on the bench there. . .Eddie of course sat down beside me. Buck and Christian were on the other bench across from us, Dom and Damon just standing around. Poor Dom. I feel like he never gets to sit down when we go out. But he's a big strong man and former Navy SEAL so I guess standing to attention like a soldier is kind of his job, huh? 😉 Again, its sweet for Buck to ask Eddie what the doctor said ( even though it was no doctor ) whenever we come out of an appointment, but Damon asks that too. It's sweet when they care about me like that enough to ask what was said and what happened when Christian & I or Christian, Eddie & I come out of an appointment. Like I said, Buck & Damon do that now. For reals yo, I am Christian & Eddie's responsibility now. That's why they're always the ones who go into the exam room with me. Unless it's the dentist, then it's Christian & Dom.
OMG! Eddie straight up caught me right now when I tripped and stumbled over the computer cord and my slippers in my bedroom. I fell into him, though not intentionally. Shit. 😍😍 His hands and arms around my waist. . .I can't even. Then him asking me if I was okay. Earlier, I was also lying on my bed in front of my computer and I had to fart, and you know how Eddie goes into medic mode when he thinks I'm in pain because of the littlest noise or weird movement I make? Well, if you didn't know, now you know. He gets like that when we're lying in bed together mostly, but also other times too. I started to say something like, "oh God, uh oh" or whatever, something like that, and he set his hand on my waist and immediately asked me if I was okay. I told him yeah and then just let the fart out and he was just like: "Oh." Again, another excuse to touch me. I can think of so many but yeah, maybe I should ask him in private what we are.
So yeah, that was today. Ugh! I have a fucking gynecologist appointment this Thursday and I don't want to go to it, but I've kept canceling and shit. I don't even know if I want Eddie going in with me for that. Maybe just Christian. Yeah, maybe just him. I'd be too embarrassed with Eddie or Buck in there, even though I know I shouldn't be because they'd be professionals but still. . .I just can't. I know they'll understand though. They said they do understand and that it's okay and they'll stay outside if that makes me more comfortable. Thanks guys! 🙂 I forgot to mention that last time I showered. . .I actually let Eddie do it with me. Yeah, seriously. So maybe I shouldn't be so embarrassed in front of him anymore but still. . .I'd probably rather not have him in there. Thankfully Buck has only seen me in my underwear, and maybe a peek of my boobs, so I still have some of my dignity there. No, he's definitely seen my boobs. I mean, he had to after all the times he's hooked me up to the heart monitor and put the leads on my chest at Eddie or Christian's request, whether he was paying attention to his job or not. So there's that.
Since I started having chest pains last night/early this morning again, Christian and Eddie put me back on the heart monitor again, just to see how my rhythm and everything looked. And even though Damon was sleeping next to me ( Buck tonight ), Eddie still offered to stay and watch my monitor until I fell asleep. But of course, I couldn't fall asleep with that damn thing on, even with the beep turned off and the dimmed screen. It was just too much for me. . .especially knowing Eddie was the one watching it and I mean REALLY watching it, not taking his eyes off it for a minute, except to tell me: "Go to sleep. Don't worry, I'm keeping an eye on you. I'm watching every single beat." I was like:
So I took it off and since Eddie didn't see any problems with my rhythm since he'd been watching, he let me, told me goodnight, or rather "good morn-night" ( as we all say ), and told me to call him if I needed him or if anything changed.
And yeah, other than finishing that "Meet Me In Paradise" book and opening my last gift ( which was the cutest little necklace with a pearl in a clam ) that's about all I have to update on.
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