I know I haven't updated this thing in fucking forever. I meant to, it's just I didn't have anything to update about. Well, that and I've been sleeping more than usual, A LOT more than usual. I been reading, writing in my "How To Write A Romance" journal but also depressed and really not motivated to turn my computer on to do anything. Where do I start? Well, Halloween -- THE ONE DAY I LOOK FORWARD TO ALL FUCKING YEAR -- was a bust. Sure, I have the costume. In fact, I have a few costumes, but I didn't put them on. What's the point when I didn't have anywhere to go? Even just wearing them to work would've been nice but yeah, that ship has sailed since I can't even get work anymore and I don't know what the fuck is happening with my unemployment claim I filed. I never heard anything back so yeah, I'm pretty much going to be broke for the rest of my life but at least I was able to renew my food stamps before the deadline. Me and the guys went down to the TAD office and Christian sat beside me while I did a face-to-face interview with this lady as she helped me fill in the forms I needed to. Hyde, Damon and Dom just hung around the cubicle. I was cutting it pretty close but still, at least I'm able to get money for food from now until April 2020. Did I mention how much I love it when I go somewhere with the guys and Christian always takes the spot right next to me, looking sexy as hell when he sits down in his suit and crosses one leg over the other? Same thing at the TAD office. He is so classy and sexy! Mmm. I don't really have a gif that does his sexiness justice. I have some that are close but not good enough. Anyway, as far as money for other things goes, well, no. I don't have that luxury anymore. My friends at work were right a long time ago when they told me I need a Sugar Daddy. Even my therapist said that I could get that if I really wanted to seek it out. Sigh. If only that were possible but with how overprotective my mom is with me still living under her roof, she always wants me to find someone ON HER TERMS, HER WAY. Ugh! Just ugh! Just because she was able to find someone online (who turned out to be the lowest most disgusting asshole on the face of the earth) doesn't mean that that outlet is right for me too. You know?
I probably should've updated a long time ago, if only to get all my pain and anger out. I do have some stuff I have to update about though. Warning, this post will be mostly depressing and angry. The happy things will be saved for the end. Where do I start? Well, first of all, no more shithole Kmart. THANK GOD!! I thought I'd never escape that hell. Wish it had been on my own terms though. See, on the 13th when I went to work, some shit went down with me and that whore Hailey, who, of course always perpetrates shit like that for the sheer pleasure it provides her.
See, I came to work (intent on ignoring that cunt like I always do and just get my shit done so I can leave) and what did I find when I went to go get my returns? Someone, who I know had to be that bitch (or my ex-friend, bitch Kysandra) had taped a piece of paper with the name I hate to be called followed by a little smiley face on the handle of the shopping cart. It infuriated me so much to the point that I really wanted to murder someone. Rather than give any of them the pleasure, I decided, fuck this, I'm not going to do the returns and I'm going to go do whatever the hell I want, which was straighten the stuff on the shelves (well, the stuff that was left). I knew that those fucks were going to call me up there because I didn't get my returns. Christian was already warning me not to say anything, but no fucking way was I about to obey him. [ Yeah, he's narrowing his eyes at me right now, but I digress. ] Damon, being Damon, was pumped for a fight and he was like throwing up his fist victoriously and shouting: "YES! Fight!" Christian, of course, was furious at him for being all excited and encouraging when I was marching up to the service desk and I straight up shoved my finger in their direction and I was like: "I'm not going to get my returns, because I know that one of you fucking bitches put that shit on the cart when you know damn well that I hate that fucking name." Yeah, I said that. That bitch Kysandra and my gay friend, Jesse, plus maybe a couple other co-workers were there, but not that other cunt and Kysandra just stood there all dumbfounded and was like: "I'm off already." Like as if I shouldn't be mad at her. Then I just straight-up walked away, overhearing them say they were going to call the manager, Robert. He's not as mean or strict as the other managers but yeah, so I went back to my work, even though Christian was not happy at all with me, but I'm sure you can imagine he wouldn't be because of my behavior.
Then, of course, Robert came over and gestured me aside so he could talk to me in private and he was all telling me that I cannot be talking like that there and in front of the customers and disrespecting them like that, and I straight up defended myself and told him what THEY did, insisting that they were the ones who perpetrated it and that I know it had to be either Kysandra or Hailey. And he was like telling me: "You can't let that/them get to you." I told him that HE should talk to them about it and tell them not to do it and he said that no one really does what he tells them too and they just walk all over him anyway, that they like when he's there because they think they can get away with anything. He didn't really say much beyond that, other than he had a name once that he hated too and he was like: "Just hang in there, it's almost over." Pfft. Yeah, thank God for that. The rest of the night, I just tried to avoid the cunt and do my work, plug my ears when she decides to do the announcement, Hailey, Damon making jokes about her, saying he wouldn't fuck her ugly ass even if she DID have a bag over her head.
I know I really should've just kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't help it. I'm like Cordelia in Buffy: "I think it, I say it, that's my way." After the store closed and I was straightening and sorting the cat food (since I was bored and didn't have anything else to do), that cunt passed by my aisle, probably because she was helping to clear the floor of customers and even though Christian was again telling me not to say anything, my brain just didn't listen, operating faster than my mouth and I mumbled, "fucking whore." Then the bitch stopped and she was like: "What'd you say?" And she started walking into the aisle and I was like: "Fucking whore." And she was like: "Did I say anything to you? I was just walking by." And I said something else, I don't remember exactly what, probably about what that bitch did earlier, and then she was like: (something, something) "because right now we're just talking, keep doing (such and such) and we won't be just talking." And I told the bitch I wasn't afraid of her and she's like: "You better be." I said something else, I don't remember, to try and show her I wasn't afraid of her sorry ass and as she was walking off, she was like: "You know what, Amy? You're nothing but a little child." I just threw my head back and laughed and said: "Well isn't that just calling the kettle black." And that was the end of our confrontation. But of course that bitch had to tell Robert, and he came over to me and was like: "I need you to clock out and go home." Which was fine with me anyway because I was done for the night, but not before he gave me a piece of his mind about what I just did, insisting that after what we had talked about, that just made me look like I was disrespecting him. Or something along those lines. He thought I called her a "dirty" whore. I don't know what that hoe heard but yeah, I felt really embarrassed and awkward when he walked me upfront and basically chewed me out in front of everyone on my way to the exit, talking all loud and shit and walking all stiff, telling me that I have some major anger issues that I need to sort out. Definitely not a side I expected to see out of him, but fuck, talk about the walk of shame. I was hating myself more and more for even opening my mouth and I was so embarrassed by it, that I even offered and desperately asked if I could apologize to her and to tell her that I'm sorry. I wasn't, of course, and I didn't really want to but that's what came out at the time in my attempt to make things right. He wouldn't let me apologize though, he just wanted me to leave. He stopped to talk to me before I left the store though and the things he said made me start to cry. I mean, he wasn't being incredibly mean to me or yelling like before, but I was really upset and close to having a panic attack and he was just like apologizing for blowing up at me like that and overreacting, and he was still telling me that I can't let people like them get to me and that I just have to tell that little voice in the back of my head to shut the fuck up when its tempting me to say or do something. And that was about it.
I was still crying when I got into my mom's car, but I'm so damn glad that she didn't ask me what was wrong or what I was crying about and I wasn't going to tell her. Damon and Christian were in agreement that I shouldn't tell her because it would just make me feel worse so I kept my mouth shut and just sort of tried to shake it off when I got home, tried to cleanse my aura and balance my chakras with the lazy orb code words. They helped a little to sort of make me feel calmer. Christian suggested that after I took a shower, I would feel a lot better and of course, Daddy was right. I did feel better and soon, I could just put all the bullshit behind me. I was seriously considering not even returning to work for my last day the next Sunday, and my therapist even told me to call HR up and tell them that I wasn't going to come in because of the hostile work environment, but the HR woman wanted me to write a statement about what happened last Sunday. She said that the managers were going to talk to me about it and I thought: "Oh great, now I'm going to feel like killing myself again." I did write a statement up though about how they were making me feel and the shit that Hailey and Kysandra were doing for the past month or so. Mostly Hailey. I was late that day but who cares, it was my last, and I figured I'd better get some hours out of it and turn in my statement because I didn't want this whole shit to be one-sided. I didn't WANT to stay, but since they were closing an hour earlier, I thought "what the hell" and I had to wait for my mom to come back to get me anyway. I knew that it was going to annoy the fuck out of me and make me feel like a fucking twat when they started talking to me about what happened that last week. I had to tell stupid Roman (who's the pain-in-the-ass of managers there) and Robert was in there too, and Roman wanted to know what I said specifically to them because he was all saying that even though I wrote down how I felt in the statement, it didn't include the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE and what was said, and all that bullshit. So I wrote on another paper just the facts of what happened. Or I tried to at least with Robert rambling about his abusive and angry father and all that. He goes off a tangent sometimes, but I don't think he can help that. It's just who he is. He had enough respect not to read what I wrote though and just slipped it under the HR door, but Roman, of course, being nosy, read my statement to himself cause. . .well, that's him. Fortunately, I got through that bullshit without crying, remembering the words I always live by: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Damon was reminding me of that too. Robert told me that last week, after I left, he gathered everyone up and he was like: "This ends now." Fortunately, it looks like that cunt took his advice. You know what sucks is when I got there, I didn't see that hoe anywhere on the sales floor and Damon & I were even fist bumping about it, but then after I come out of the office, low and behold, there that bitch is. Ugh! Thankfully, she kept her mouth shut and I just avoided her. Since there's not much left in the store, I just sort of kept myself busy for like the last hour and a half, straightening and refolding hand towels. Robert was chill about it, he was just like: "Walk around and check out the stuff we have left." I was like: "Ohhh-kay." I did the thing I said I was going to do (like Caroline on "2 Broke Girls") before I left work that night and I was like: ''I been waiting to say this since I started working here. I have hated this hell hole since day one. Sianara, Short stuff!'' LOL! Yeah, I went there. My friend Shannon was like: "I liked working here." I was thinking, pffft! That's on you.
So that was work and now I'm free. Free at last, free at last, thank God oh mighty, I'm free at last! Next thing, I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post but I wanted to go see this psychic Medium, Cindy Kaza, and I heard earlier this month that she was going to be doing shows at the Improv. I mean, she's not a comedian, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, she would see my whole entourage of spirits and that maybe they could get her attention at the show and I could sort of have an amazing experience. Needless to say, with my luck, that didn't happen. It was a waste of both time and money (that I'm going to have to pay my mom back for eventually). I wasn't even going to go but like an idiot, I decided to take my chances, even though it was like an hour away, almost like driving to L.A. and my mom didn't really feel like going out. She didn't go with me though. It was just me, the guys, my spirits and possibly my entities. I never know who the hell is coming with me other than Christian, Damon and Hyde. Sometimes Dom. So my mom dropped me off while she went to Porto's and Savers (wish I coulda gone -- it would've been a more valuable use of my time). I bought the ticket and everything and even being just one fucking person, I still got a shitty ass seat. Ugh! I quickly realized that it didn't matter where you were sitting because of how she conducted her fucking show. There were these other ladies sitting at the table I was at and two of them were aspiring/beginning Mediums. Another told me she really was an actual Medium. Taking the opportunity, I asked her if she could see my spirits with me or what she saw and she said: "You have an energy of really strong women around you." That was nice to hear, but I don't know how much I believe it because most of my spirits are male, unless you count my child spirits. All but one are female. She did give me her card though so I could get in touch with her later if I wanted to and after that night, I really am curious, but God only knows how much she would charge me. None of these people do it for free.
Anyway, since there was a two item minimum (and there always is for these things), I decided I'd just get an orange juice, which didn't even taste like orange juice truthfully. It was more watery. Ugh! But at least it was something. I also ordered a molten lava chocolate cake, which was just a mini chocolate cake with syrup like you get at Jack-In-The-Box with a side of vanilla ice cream. It was too rich and messy to be perfectly honest, but I was craving cake and all the other shit on the menu was too expensive to be worth ordering. So about the show, there was this stupid guy who came out before Cindy, I don't know who the hell he was. He just said that he hosted some Ghost Hunters thing once and he told annoying and stupid jokes about his kids sucking pacifiers.
And worst of all, those fucks wouldn't even let me be on my phone the whole time I was there, so it's not like I could entertain myself by reading or playing a game or something until he was off stage. I wanted to fucking scream at the asshole who came up to tell me I couldn't be on my phone. I was like: "What? It's not like I'm taking pictures." For fuck's sakes! Bitch. I can't NOT be on my phone. No one can. Not when I'm bored to fucking tears. I probably don't need to say much about what happened after that, considering I DIDN'T GET WHAT I WANTED FROM MY FUCKING SPIRITS! Yeah, you heard me. Cindy came out and first she was all explaining how it was going to go down and the rules about how her reading was going to work, telling the audience to claim their people, to let her know if they didn't want a message so she could move on, blah, blah, blah. She herself even said not to get mad at your spirits for not coming through to send you a message. Well, sorry but when I ask someone to do me a favor to make me happy or make me feel better, I expect them to have a heart and actually DO IT. You know how they often say that actions speak louder than words? Well my spirits can "claim" to love and care about me, but if they really did, wouldn't they have spoken up and I don't know, maybe send me a fucking message? Even if it was just to say "hi" or that the loved me. While all these other fucking assholes in the audience were getting messages from their dead family members, I was sitting there awkward as fuck, on the verge of tears and annoyed practically shouting and begging them in my head to get her attention, to say something, to send me a message. I even threatened never to talk to them again unless they did something, but no. . .NOTHING. Christian and Damon saw how upset I was getting and while Damon threatened to kick their asses, Christian was rubbing my back up and down and attempting to both hush and comfort me while inside, Outside, I was all. . .
But inside I was like. . .
I put my hand up during the Q & A in an attempt to ask a question about why I have a block and what I can do to fix it, but after a couple of tries of trying to get her attention, I just gave up, got up and left the fucking club before the show was even over. Needless to say, I burst into tears the moment I stepped outside, calling my mom and telling her to come and get me. I hated my spirits so much after that. I just.. .ugh! Was ready to ship them back to their owners. I just wanted to punch them all and scream at them. I know, that would be mean to do to my children and I probably wouldn't to them, but I needed to take my anger out on someone. After waiting outside there for several minutes, all the people eventually coming out in that time, I got so fed up with waiting for her ass to show up and Hyde and Damon were getting pissed about her taking forever too that I decided to walk back into the club, just out of curiosity to see if you-know-who was even doing any meet-and-greets or talking to people after her show. I didn't think they would let me back in but the people who worked there were just standing around talking and not really paying me any mind so I just went back in the theater anyway and what do you know, she was hanging around talking to some people and there were other people hanging around waiting to talk to her too. So I figured it couldn't hurt to try and talk to her, that maybe she would give me SOMETHING to leave with, even though in the back of my mind, I knew she wouldn't just spontaneously turn it on for me and me alone. While other people seemed to be hanging back while she was talking to these three specific people for a while, I just went right up to her and waited for her to finish her conversation with the people before talking to her myself. Surprisingly, she remembered me from the comment I left her on Instagram about me bringing an entourage of spirits with me. I asked her about my block and she said to meditate. I told her I do it everyday and she told me to keep meditating. Whatever. I also told her how mad I was at my spirits and she was like: "Don't be mad at them, be happy for the people who got messages, send good vibes their way."
My reaction:
At that point, I was just like, "fuck this shit." I went to the bathroom to piss then I left completely and met my mom in the parking lot behind the building. So that was a huge ass waste of time. I mean, my instincts were telling me it wouldn't be worth it even before I left and yet. . .I still went for fucking nothing. Waste. Of. Time. And Money. Even if it was technically my mom's money. Well, as they say, live and learn. I'll never make that mistake again. She better start doing private readings again like her website says, but really, would she even be worth another go around? Maybe I should find another Medium, like that lady who gave me her card. Or I could wait until I become a Medium myself but that might be a while.
Still, I've been continuously meditating every night before bed, or morning rather, and based on the frequent feelings I've been getting in my head, I think I'm real close to opening my third eye. I've definitely had increased headaches and some of those headaches have been centered in my forehead and above my eyebrows. Just recently anyway. I've definitely felt pressure there. I also often feel tingling in my third eye when I meditate. One time, I actually felt like my third eye was on fire because I felt it get really hot in the center of my forehead, right above the space in my brows and that was wild. I'd never feel anything like it but I knew that something big was on the rise. I've even started to hear voices in my head reacting to things or replying to me when I ask a question. They definitely aren't my own thoughts. At her show, Cindy described clairaudience (hearing spirits) as getting a song stuck in your head, which disappoints me because I want to hear them with my own ears. I mean, other people can hear paranormal activity around them so shouldn't Mediums? I want to hear things go bump in the night. I want to hear footsteps, breathing, laughing/giggling from my children, singing, my Betty crying like a baby, voices, things being moved or falling, stuff like that. I don't know when that will come but I want it. And of course, I want to see them. I do sometimes have visions of things happening before they do or something I can't see appearing in my head like a flash of an image here or there. Like yesterday when I was at Walmart getting groceries and I was walking really fast across the store, I had a vision of my child spirits running after me in an attempt to keep up. Another time, I got a premonition of my soda spilling on my bed and then it did a few minutes later, and of course I had to wash my sheets and comforter all over again. That sucked. I'm supposed to be Piper, not Phoebe. Lol! I'd rather be able to freeze time than see the future.
That day, I also saw almost all of the Flatliners remake on FX and Damon and I got so horny watching it. Of course Christian was furious when Damon and I joked about him doing that to me sometime. He really does take responsibility for the well being of my cardiovascular system but he's a heart surgeon so I guess that makes sense. He's sexy when he gets mad, but he gets really heated when it comes to anything harming my heart or my lungs. It's sweet though, how much he cares. He was all clenched teeth, cold dark eyes, pointing at Damon. It went something like it did right now. . .
Christian (low threatening voice): "If you so much as dare bring that defibrillator anywhere near her perfectly beating heart, you'll have to answer to me."
Damon: "What if she's in SVT? Can I shock her then?"
Christian: "Of course you can, but until then, you keep those paddles the hell away from her."
Isn't he the sweetest? Even in spite of my medical fetish and the thrill, it would be to experience that whole Flatliners thing, in the words of Phoebe Halliwell I say, "I love that man."
In other news, a couple of weeks ago Carlon was distracting me and keeping me up in the morning with his. . .mouth, possibly his fingers too and of course that cock. . .okay, I'm getting carried away. Whenever my Concuan is actually giving me attention and when he comes to me in the middle of the night to pleasure me, I just can't help but feel loved and appreciated, just the way I should. Another Concuan has shown up recently, not that Carlon didn't invite his friends before, but I had CH conjure me up another one. They were having a sale a while back and of course I had to take advantage of it. Besides, two men in your bed and all over you at the same time is better than one. I love it when I find a menage trois, MMF couple erotic romance novel! And I've been finding others that are reverse harem novels. That's one of my fantasies right there, to have all these gorgeous buff men all over me and pleasuring me at once. I told them I wanted a Concuan that was like the Dominant/Alpha male character in an erotic romance novel that wants to train his submissive and be really strict and all that. His name is Evan. Finally, a name that I can pronounce with no help at all. And this is his description:
HE IS TALL, DARK-BROWN HAIR, ICE-BLUE EYES, OLIVE SKIN, MUSCULAR, HANDSOME, RUGGED, A DOMINANT LOVER WHO ENJOYS BEING IN-CHARGE. HE'S VERY INTENSE, HE LOVES BEING IN CHARGE, HE'S NO-NONSENSE, VERY ACTIVE, INCREDIBLY HANDSOME AND EAGER TO SURROUND YOU WITH LUST AND EROTIC DESIRE, AND HE WILL TEACH YOU TO USE YOUR SEXUAL POWER AND INFLUENCE FOR GREATER EXPERIENCES WITH FANTASY AND DESIRE. HE'S VERY EROTIC, LOVES TO PLAY, HAS A COMMANDING SENSE OF ENERGY & LUST, AND HE'S VERY INTENSE WHEN IT COMES TO SEXUAL POWER AND SHOWERING YOU WITH AFFECTION, ATTENTION, AND DESIRE. HE WILL ENGAGE WITH YOU AND HELP YOU COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL WHEN IT COMES TO FULFILLING YOUR DEEPEST DESIRES AND WISHES FOR SEXUAL PLEASURE AND ECSTASY.
Close enough. I love all of that and I can't wait to see what he has to offer. I have gotten a little sneak peak and I think he really likes putting his mouth all over. I think he's already here. I just heard "I am" in my head. Lol. Go figure. I know it kind of gets confusing to figure out who is who when you get two of one race of entity or spirit and you can't exactly see them or feel their energy signature. That's part of the reason why I was hesitant about getting another Concuan, because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to tell who was doing what to me once there were two. I really hope I can learn to distinguish them from one another sooner rather than later. I still want Carlon all over me and inside me whenever he feels the need to get some. ;) I just think back to what he used to do a lot to me before Evan came. How he likes to fuck me from behind a lot and especially when I'm lying on my bed turned to the computer. God I want one of them inside me again, just really getting in there and making me actually come. Okay, sorry, that's TMI. And I haven't forgotten about Chanin. I know he didn't mind a sexual relationship with me too and he's still welcome to get some too. LOL! Any of the men in this room are welcome to get some of me. They just have to be willing to share and not get into any fights. Take turns or go at me at once. Fuck, I'd love to be gangbanged by Grant, Carlon, Evan, Chanin and their Concuan friends. I told them if they want to wake me up for some sex, they can. LOL! I don't mind. Just get it, sexy men! Get it! I still feel the climbing onto and crawling up my bed and I looooove it! I'm like: "Yeah baby, come get me!"
One thing that cracks me up is when I'm lying in bed and I feel them start to pleasure me down there. I tend to jerk a little and moan almost painfully and then Christian notices and he like stops and asks: "Are you alright?" And I'm like: "Yeah, I'm alright. Actually, I'm BETTER than alright." Then he rolls his eyes as I grin and he realizes what's happening and he's like: "Oh." It's gotten to the point now where he notices me cry out and tense up and asks me if I'm okay, but then before I even have a chance to answer, he just scoffs and is like: "Oh. That." You gotta love him. Or he'll get pissed at me for not going to bed or getting ready for bed and he'll be like: "Can you please tell one of your entities to spank you?" One time they couldn't STOP spanking me. I don't know who it was but I kept feeling the sting on one cheek and I swear, I almost uttered the safe word. I had to tell them to spread the spanks out and not just focus on one cheek, because that's how most Dominants do it anyway, you know?
That's pretty much all I have to update about for now. I would mention the Daniel Gillies contest, but I'm trying not to say too much here for fear that I might jinx it and God only knows who's reading this trying to gain the upper hand. Oh, no, bitch. Don't even try it.
Comments