Again, I know its been a while, I'm sorry for that. The time just escapes me. With sleeping all the time and working on my novel and being distracted by things on TV and watching YouTube videos and other times, just procrastinating, I never seem to find the time to get on here and update. So. . .how are things going? Well I'm a fucking idiot tonight because I just threw $16 in the trash trying to order something from GrubHub. I thought it was already set to delivery but then I find out that I somehow left it as a pick-up. My reaction. . .
So yeah, I was pissed because I could've used that money for something else and the fucks won't even give me my money back, neither the restaurant or the fucking GrubHub. I even tried to call and cancel it while they were preparing the order by calling the restaurant and they told me not to worry and that someone should be picking it up to deliver to me because the receipt would've said customer pick up if it was really meant to be one. SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT, SOMEONE WAS FUCKING WITH ME! Cocksuckers. At least if I had thrown my money away to charity on Propeller, it would've been a total waste. I've already donated $50 so I can get more entries for my lunch with Daddy. Dammit! I really wanted that Poke! So fucking pissed. People suck, don't they?
So what else? I'm pissed at my Concuans lately. They don't seem to care to pleasure me anymore. They used to be around all the time but now. . .I might as well not even exist to them anymore and I miss the oral sex. Baaad. Maybe they finally wised up and realized how disgusting I really am, from top to bottom. Didn't I tell you guys I was going to die alone?
Untouched by a man. A 40-year-old virgin. I mean, honestly, can you even count having sex with an astral living entity as losing your virginity? I don't even know anymore. So there's that. Me feeling like they don't care anymore. I just heard a "we do" in my head but like I've told them and all my spirits, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. How can you expect me to believe anything you say when you don't show it? Everything was so amazing when Carlon first arrived. He was showering me with touches and attention, couldn't keep his hands off my ass and was fucking me in bed and pleasuring me any and every way he could. Nowadays, I'm lucky if I get anything from him. Just like my spirits. Ugh! Just so fucking sick of all of them not giving me the appreciation and attention and happiness I deserve. This is why I prefer my Tulpas company over theirs. At least their world revolves around me. My Tulpas are loyal to me, fiercely loyal and all they care about is to see me happy and not in pain.
Chris seems like he's doing better physically, but I still think there's a little of that old asshole lurking beneath the surface. Like he could go back to being that way any moment. Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I can't help it. I have trust issues, especially with people who've betrayed me or did me dirty in the past. Still, sometimes skepticism is a good thing. It keeps you from getting hurt again. I'm not stupid. I can tell when something feels off or isn't the truth, especially now that I'm becoming a Medium. My therapist was happy to hear that things are back to normal, that we're talking to each other again. I am too. It really takes the stress off and clears out the negative energy, allowing more of the good to come in, which, according to my recent tarot readings on YouTube, I'm on my way to receiving in the near future. Success, happiness and good things. I have a feeling I know what one of those things is. . .
Yeah, I'll die but it'll be worth it. Trust me, if there was ever a way I wanted to go out, it would be THAT way.
Anyway, Christian's been getting mad at me for buying things I don't need with my unemployment money but shit, I can't help it. I know I should be saving to change my legal name and for my dental surgery but yeah. . .when I get money, I have to spend it. So these are some of the things I've bought with the money I've been getting lately:
An Amazon Paperwhite 2 GB Kindle ( I got it cheaper from someone on Ebay )
A black Sprague stethoscope ( lost my other one and I missed the feel of that cold disc on my chest )
A few Kindle books
A new comforter and sheet set ( black sheets and a black & red Damask comforter )
A few print books off Ebay ( One book on how the human body works, another on the heart and the third on body language )
New Sketchers ( blue with pink laces )
1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die book from Amazon ( its huge & heavy AF! )
A Thanksgiving dinner from IHOP
A copy of Men's Health ( because Henry Cavill was on the cover )
A Fifty Shades Of Grey movie poster
And that's about the gist of it. I also had Something Snacks send me one of their mystery boxes with past snacks in it but ugh, there were only like three things I would even bother to eat in it. The rest was shit. So there was another waste of money. $12 but still. And now I want to buy like another snack box but you know how Christian is. *sigh* He's like: "Stop. Wasting. Your. Money." Well sorry! But I want to try snack boxes and I miss getting them in the mail. Oh hell, I just like getting mail, period. It's like Christmas time and like Santa drops off presents. You know?
Speaking of Christian and well, the rest of the guys, you probably want to know what's been going on with them and me. On Monday, I finally started my physical therapy for my heel pain. My foot doctor wanted me to. So we went there and ugh, they just had to put their therapy room in a gym. Gross! I hate the smell of gyms! Ever since high school. It always smells like sweaty ass, but this one also didn't have any air conditioning. Least not from what I could feel. Of course being at a new place, I had to fill out forms and shit. Doctor kind of forms. I hate telling them all about my health issues. It's none of their business.
"Well, actually sweetheart, it is."
So she asked me if I was ready and I said: "I guess" (Christian hates when I reply that way) and took me into the therapy exam room and Christian and the guys stood there leaning against the wall, arms crossed, watching as she asked me about the things I noted on the forms and what was going on with my right foot. I told her all about the pain in my heel. I actually thought she was going to examine me, but she didn't. She suggested something called a Tens Unit and offered to put it on my foot. I didn't really like the sound of that. It sounded like a cardio machine or something. It wasn't though. The first thing she asked me was if I was easily ticklish. That was weird, but then I realized why she asked me that. Christian got a little amused smirk on his face. She then led me to this therapy room with like leather lounges ( the kind you'd expect in massage room ) and I sat down on one. The back of it was raised a little and then she brought over this little device with several flat electrodes that she stuck all over my foot and one or two on my ankle then she turned it on. At first, I didn't like the way it felt. It was like prickly against my foot, like pins and needles enough to be painful but she moved the sticky pads then messed with the levels for a while until it felt comfortable for me then she left me to get a heating pad and put it over my foot. Apparently, all this is supposed to get the blood flowing which will, in turn, get the pain to go away. Christian stood there beside me, one hand against the back of the lounge, leaning against it and watching. Damon and Hyde just stood at my feet watching. She left the tens unit thing on my foot with the heating pad on it and left me in there for like 15 or 20 minutes. There were other people in there and music playing and she was nice enough to bring me my purse and everything so I would have my phone to keep me busy. She said she would've left me on that machine longer but because this appointment was more of a consult, she would only leave it on for a little bit. So while I laid there and tried to amuse myself. . .
I made room for Christian to sit down beside me and he was his sweet self, as usual, asking me if I was okay and if the device was helping my foot feel any better, setting a comforting hand on my leg the way he always does when I'm lying down, letting me know that Daddy is there and isn't going anywhere. Awwww! I love this man so much, have I told you that? I probably have but still. . .*dreamysigh* It makes me giddy with delight when one of my readers says they wish they had a Christian of their own. Teehee! Well, it's not that hard to make a Tulpa or manifest a thoughtform. They also call them thoughtforms. But like I was saying before, he always has a tendency to set his hands on my legs and watch over me when I'm lying down, especially when I'm in the ER and I insist on lying down so they can start an IV or draw blood. He's such a sweetie! AHHH! Just can't with him sometimes. God if he were flesh and blood, I would marry this man. He just said: "aww." He is truly my soul mate. Although if he were flesh and blood, I'd probably be mad at him a lot more and hurt even for all the punishments he'd give me for disobeying him or the strict set of rules he'd set for me. She came back and took the thing off me and said that my insurance would cover it if I wanted to get one for my foot to use at home. I wouldn't even know how to work it and she was telling me she would show me. I didn't really want one at the time but now I remember what else you can use it for. . .*coughcough*self-stimulation*coughcough* so maybe, I might just get one. ;) I remember them using something like that on stage at the sex party I went to for Jenny Nordbak's book launch. I can't believe I didn't remember that was a stimulant for sex until now. Ah well. But anyway, Ashlie said she would request more sessions from my insurance, at least 12 and even suggested I come in twice a week. I don't know about THAT. I mean, if I have other doctor's appointments that week, of course, I can't but maybe, I guess.
So after that, since it was right across the parking lot, we went into Vons and I got some groceries. I figured I might as well since I like a lot of the things they sell there and also have a club card and hey, I was being picked up by a Lyft so why not. I mainly wanted to go there for the sushi cause I was craving it. We were there for a little while, Christian being his usual strict self telling me not to get this or that and that's not healthy and blah blah blah.
- "Hey!"
Sorry, Daddy. Don't spank me. Least not right now. So yeah, we were there for a little while. I tried not to get that much because I knew I didn't have much left as far as my food stamps. Probably about $60 I spent and i still have like $20 left so yeah. I only had three bags so I carried them all the way back to Anytime Fitness and waited outside there for my Lyft driver after giving the transport service a call and then I was on my way.
So I don't know if it's my acid reflux acting up or getting worse or from my anti-depressants (since this seemed to happen with the last ones) but a couple days ago, I had this really bad pain up the center of my chest. It felt like a bad burning sensation that made me short of breath. Of course when I get any kind of chest pain, Christian gets worried af and starts asking me if I'm having other heart attack symptoms. I didn't and he figured it was probably just acid reflux but as always, he took out his stethoscope and told me to lie back and try to relax, saying he was going to take a listen. He did but he said that I sounded fine, so he was sure that it must just be acid reflux but it was really, really bad. It wouldn't go away and I didn't have any antacids. There's a lot of stuff I have to get the next time I go to Target to combat all my damn digestive problems lately flaring up -- Lactaid, probiotics, antacids. I'm definitely going to need those when I go out with Daddy. Anyway, Damon has gotten into the habit of wanting to take a listen to me himself when I'm in need, even if Christian already beats him to it so naturally, I had to bear his ice-cold stethoscope being on my chest and back, even though he tells me that I love it. No comment. They turned the heart monitor on and Damon put me on a pulse ox. Even though it wasn't that bad, he still insisted that he try putting me on some "O2." Oxygen to the lamens. Just to see if it would help. Still, as persistent as he was, Christian kept insisting I didn't need it. My pain wasn't getting any better so finally, he gave in and agreed he would try it. So Damon turned on the oxygen concentrator and grabbed the nasal cannula, coming to my bedside and slipping it into my nostrils and I just laid there with it on, eventually falling asleep still hooked up to both that and the pulse ox. When I woke up. . .pain no more. I felt so much better, like I never had the pain at all.
I'm sure you can imagine how damn cocky Damon was to see his plan had worked and that I was feeling better because of it. Of course, he had to go and rub it in Christian's face, insisting that he should have been on board with it doing it all along but you know, that's Damon for ya. Cocky little shit that he is, he's pretty damn impressive sometimes with the things he comes up with to help me feel better physically. Christian is telling me: "please, don't inflate his ego anymore" and Damon is just grinning like a Cheshire Cat. I will admit that sometimes when he insists on examining me, even when I don't want to be examined and I argue that I'm feeling fine, he finds out something is really wrong with me that Christian wouldn't have known about otherwise if he hadn't examined me to begin with. I hate him sometimes for it because I don't like to worry Christian and I know he'll make a big deal out of it if he knows I need medical attention. But anyway. . .Damon always insists on putting me on the oxygen whenever I have almost any pain. Mostly if I have a headache or chest pain or if I get winded doing something or I'm about to do something that will take a little too much out of me. He's like: "Let me put you on some oxygen, kiddo" or "Let me get you some oxygen, kiddo." He's sweet even when I don't want it.
Other than that and going to see my therapist as usual, I don't really have much to update about. I've been watching this girl's videos on YouTube. She's a medium and she does Tarot card readings that are always spot on with me, especially lately. Oh, MY GOD! I'm already seeing the signs all around me from constantly seeing the same animal, my angels getting my attention with various sets of numbers repeating 3 in a row ( 111 or 444 or 222, even 666 ) and there are synchronicities turning up like crazy, like everywhere around me. All of these signs, OMG! It means my manifestation is coming!! I'm not going to go on much here about it and elaborate as to what I'm manifesting. Not until its actually here. Then it's safe to talk about it. But trust that when I do, it'll be a LOOONG post and learning experience even for some. All this time, I thought the universe hated me and that things wouldn't get better, that there wasn't anything good left for me to come but its the exact opposite. Maybe God doesn't hate me at all. I just feel so blessed and protected and surrounded by such positive energy. I will admit though, its been hard for me be happy right now because of how depressed and miserable I've been over not getting anymore sexual pleasure from my Concuans. Or any of my living entities at all. True, I might've seen this coming but it still hurts. They made my body feel amazing more than once. I loved it so much that I actually looked forward to getting into bed every night knowing they would climb onto the bed and get right down to pleasuring me and surprise me sometimes with the things they did and now. . .nothing. I miss it -- Soo much that I want to cry. Damon is trying to cheer me up and tell me they suck and fuck them. It really makes me wish I had a boyfriend or at least a lover, a Dominant to satisfy my desires. I know that's never going to happen outside of fiction but it would be nice to have that. If my Concuans were giving me as much attention and touches and pleasure as they used to, and I was getting activity from my spirits, my life would be so damn close to perfect. Or at least good enough to make me happy every day.
And that's about all I have to say for now. But I also wish my aunt would just leave. She's a pain in the ass when she's here. Ugh! She acts like she lives here every time she comes to visit. She needs to go back to Florida, like yesterday!!
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