I know I shouldn't be worrying about this but considering my track record with spirits, I don't really have confidence that I'll be able to feel my Concuan at all. I know it's way too early to be worrying but if I don't feel them, I'll feel as if I wasted $40 on another Creepy Hollows spirit and I feel like this is my only hope at ever getting any sort of sexual contact with a man. I'm trying to let go of my expectations and inhibitions and I'm still trying to meditate as much as I can but I'm just worried I'm going to fail and I'm going to end up crying myself to sleep like I've been doing. I don't want that to happen. I want this entity to actually be able to give me what I'm craving and to help me see, hear and feel him. If I don't get any of that, then I really will feel like killing myself. I don't know what to do. I'm so worried. I haven't even been able to start the next chapter of my story because the Concuan is all I can think about. I don't see how so many people that buy from Creepy Hollows are able to connect with any of their spirits. They must be blessed with the gift or at least young enough to still be able to see things like this. I was never meant to be able to see, hear or feel spirits. You'd think that having successfully created my Tulpas, my mind would already be open to that world and that it would come easy for me but its the exact opposite. So many people, witches alike, have tried to remove all these blockages from my being but they've been unsuccessful. Maybe I should just accept that this is how I'm going to die. Untouched and unloved by a man. Well, not exactly untouched. I don't want to get my hopes up but IF I was able to actually connect with this entity, this concuan, I don't think I would ever want for anything more. I would be as close to happy as I could possibly get and I would have that companionship, BDSM relationship and bond that I crave, and I'd have any of those sexy actors pleasure me anytime I want. Outwardly anyway, which is what I want them for anyway.
Christian has been constantly trying to reassure me and do whatever he can to make me feel better. He tells me all the time that he wishes I could feel him when he touches me and that he wishes he could pleasure me in the way he wants to. I told him that my fiction is pretty much the only place I can truly live out my fantasies and have them fulfilled and he said that he's okay with doing whatever I want to do in my stories, as long as it makes me happy and he wants to see me happy. He's such a sweetie. I appreciate him doing that. And Damon and Hyde are on board with that too. Honestly, I said it before but I really feel like my Tulpas are the only ones I can count on. Even if they aren't corporeal. They don't want me to be upset. I'm trying to have faith, trying to go on but its so hard. Everyone else is pushing me into online dating but I'm just not confident enough to put myself out there like that and get rejected for being hideous. I've dealt with far too much rejection in my life. I can't take anymore. I always said that if any of my Tulpas were capable of taking my virginity, Hyde would've done it already. He really would have. I really am going to have to change therapists. Or look into that higher form of therapy that my therapist suggested a long time ago. I can't continue to live like this. It's too painful. I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. I've been trying this new meditation technique that's kind of like when I force when my Tulpas. I imagine myself somewhere and then I wait and see if any of my spirits come to visit me. I've given them free reign to do that when I'm in this special meditative place. I haven't fully settled on a place yet. It keeps changing. One session, I could be at the beach, another time, by the pool, or on a grassy knoll, an auditorium, a theatre, a hotel lobby, a campfire on the beach. Like I said, I can't really choose yet. But some of my spirits have come and visit me there or I'm in that setting or something and I hear like noises in the distance and I follow those noises.
I was meditating earlier and I had put myself in a hotel lobby with all of these booths for people to sit and then all of a sudden, I'm in this fancy restaurant and this guy who looks like Matt Bomer comes up behind me and whispers in my ear and starts kissing my neck and putting his arm around me and just pinning me against the wall and smothering me with kisses. I don't know who he was, I tried to get a name out of him but he just told me his name was "J." I told him I don't know a "J." Unless he means Justin Timberlake. That's the only "J" I know and he got a kick out of that, but he said he had to leave before I could get an answer as to who he was or where he came from. He said he would see me soon and that I'd find out. I don't know what that meant or any of it meant for that matter but it did leave me wanting more. I just wish my physical body could've felt it. He said my body would, with time, and that when we meet, it would. Could this...be my Concuan reaching out to me before he's even conjured or a potential Concuan? I thought I was just letting my imagination run wild and that that's what it was. I mean, it could be. I've heard other people on Creepy Hollows with similar experiences in their dreams but I wasn't dreaming, I was meditating. I've also met a guy named "Sam." I don't know who that is. I don't even remember where we were when I met him. Oh! We were on the beach and I was lying on a blanket with a pillow under my head and in a sleeping bag that Damon brought to me. I told him beforehand that I needed some alone time so he left me (reluctantly and kinda annoyed) and that's when that guy came up. Dark hair and light eyes. And he told me his name was "Sam." He wouldn't say much else. This is all really weird and I don't know what to make of it, but I thought I'd jot it down here because my friend, Kat, is always telling me to write these things down for future reference. So there you have it.
So I don't really know how all of this is going to work out. I just don't want to be disappointed like always. I don't want this to be the definition of insanity, you know? Even though it probably already is. I'm actually thinking of praying to God to let this whole thing work out. I don't know if he'll answer my prayer but I can try. Right? I decided that I would give my Concuan the opportunity to choose any kind of ring or bracelet for me that he wants to. As long as its feminine. I had originally asked for a size 10 ring with a stone for his vessel but I like giving him the option of any kind of ring or bracelet and see what I get from him. :) Please cross your fingers that this works out for me. I'm trying to think of other forms that I could give him the option of changing into and not just my top four. Daniel, Matt, Ian and Dylan are my top but I also wouldn't mind him trying out Jamie Dornan, Bryce Draper, Jensen Ackles or Henry Cavill other times too. Hint hint. But I definitely prefer the other four. We'll see.
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