Christian is starting to remind me of my Scott Foley character, Michael Brentwood and I'll be honest, I really didn't intend on making him that way but he's been so much more worried about me lately. Don't get me wrong, I love his concern. It's endearing and makes my heart melt but the regular checks are starting to get annoying. Damn, you should see the look he's giving me right now. He knows I'm writing about him, he even said: "You know I can see everything you're writing." Yeah, yeah, I know, but it has to be said. I was telling this to Kat earlier today and she was like: "He's doing his job." I know its his job but still. . .I get more than just annoyed, I get nervous and bashful and a little achy in my loins. In a good way achy. I kid you not, this is literally him right now staring at me and knowing I'm writing about him in a not so nice way. . .
And what makes me even more anxious is that I can literally feel his gaze on me, like its a palpable gaze. You know that feeling you get when someone is watching you? THAT'S WHAT I'M GETTING RIGHT NOW. It's a palpable intense gaze and I'm not going to lie, it's both freaking me out and turning me on. Reminds me of Katie in "Paranormal Activity" where she's sitting on her bed and she's like: "I can feel it watching me." Fuck. This Tulpa thing is getting stronger and stronger and its starting to turn me the fuck on. . . but make me so nervous and annoy me too. I forgot that when you "force" (another word for "meditate") on the regular about them then its like you're putting more work into making them tangible. Fuck me. Maybe the universe is sending me a gift. . .well its about damn time universe! Cause I'm sick of feeling alone and waiting for the real fucking Daniel Gillies to stop being a little shit and make himself available for videos again. Every time I think about him being the way he is to his fans like me who want something so simple from him that will make me happy for eternity, I just want to slap the shit out of his beautiful fucking face. Ugh! He really needs to take a page out of Christian's book or even Andrew Lees for that matter. Ugh! Just ugh! With a side of UGH!
So back to what I was saying about Christian, today I slept for most of the day. I have this habit of waking up extra early for some reason and then I can't go back to sleep until I eat or something else and then when I do go back to sleep because Christian insists that I do, I end up napping until like 8 or 9 at night. It's annoying how he keeps pushing me to take my meds earlier in the day and he gets pissed when I wait so long but when I woke up from my nap, my heart was pounding. Not in an SVT way ( that time that sent me to the hospital because it wouldn't stop ) but in a scared "flight or fight" way. I woke up and called out to him, told him that my heart was pounding. He was like: "What?" Real concerned. Then he rushed to my side and quickly took my wrist, putting his fingers to my pulse. He coached me like he usually does, telling me to take "slow deep breaths" while he kept his fingers on my wrist. I tried as I might to take those slow breaths and get my heart back to normal but it didn't seem to be working. Christian just sighed and shook his head and was like: "That heart rate's not coming down. You need to take your meds now." So I had no choice but to take my meds but he was not pleased with how long I waited and he always lectures me with, "if you would only take your meds when you're supposed to, things like this wouldn't happen." And "Why don't you ever mind me?" It sucks, I wish that he could physically punish me and take me over his knee. I keep flashing back to that BDSM party I went to. Well, it was more of a book signing for a former Dominatrix but getting spanked and whipped with a crop by a real Dom named "Dom". . .fuuuuck. I wanted more after that one.
My ass was burning hours after that but in a good way. A tingly burning. God if only I could get that kind of an adrenaline rush/high all the time then maybe I would be happier. So yeah, Christian has been his usual self lately only more so. Getting pissed at me for not taking my meds sooner in the day, giving me my regular "heart, lung, and pulse ox" check-ups before bedtime and just trying to take care of me as usual.
I like that Damon seems to care more about me lately, always asking Christian how I sound after he takes his stethoscope out of his ears or asks him if he examined me when he hears I'm not feeling good, to which Christian always says, "Of course." Even when Damon goes to get the mail with me ( he's always the one who goes ) and I start to get out of breath from all the walking, he'll slow down to my pace and be like: "You okay, kiddo?" I'll just nod and he'll be like: "Stop and rest if you need to rest." So sweet! I tell him I'm fine. A couple days ago, I got really out of breath when I was walking back to the apartment and he insisted I stop, he was like: "Wait, stop. Let me check your rate." The second I did, he took my wrist to check my pulse. He looked at me in concern and was like: "Kiddo, your heart is racing." I was like: "Yeah, no shit, Sherlock." He was like: "You sure you don't want to stop and rest?" And I told him no, that I was fine. I love his caring paramedic side. The way he'll walk around with his stethoscope draped over his shoulders when I'm stuck in bed sick so he looks like Christian. It's cute. Actually, it's hot when he and Christian both do that. I wonder if my medical team does that too so that they can be ready to examine me at a moment's notice. I keep getting a "we do" in my head so I guess they do. It would make me so horny to see them walking around like that knowing that the only person their stethoscope is going to touch is going to be me. That makes me nervous sometimes with Christian and Damon, knowing they're wearing it for me, but nervous in a good way.
I cannot tell you how much it's driving me crazy how much I've been itching lately. My arms and legs, hands, and feet are covered in itchy bumps. No color. Flesh-colored itchy bumps and I can't stop scratching. I wish more than anything that I could go to my dermatologist but I can't without a referral and I can't get a referral until I go to my new doctor but I can't go to my new doctor until they don't require me to wear a face diaper. I told them I can't breathe in one and they still won't see me. Not even with a face shield, which works just the same way. Fucking cocksucking assholes are still requiring face diapers and you have no idea how much I want to gut the person who made it mandatory. I wish I could kill every person who wears one or tries to force their shitty paranoia and suffocating diapers on everyone. I pray every night for God to get rid of the mandatory shit or the face diapers entirely. I will never, I repeat NEVER, comply with their orders. No one controls me and no one tells me what to do. I make my own rules, I do whatever the fuck I want no matter what anyone thinks. The thing that really enrages me to the point of wanting to go out and murder every law enforcement officer is the fact that they feel like they have the right to fine people for not wearing these face diapers now. NO!
YOU CAN'T FUCKING FINE ME FOR EXPRESSING MY NEED TO BREATHE, AND MARK MY WORDS THAT I WILL TAKE YOUR ASS TO COURT IF YOU SO MUCH AS TRY! Honestly though, I'd rather just dismember them. In regards to those of us with breathing issues, this face diaper mandate is the equivalent to these fucks holding a pillow over our faces and smothering us to death. We shouldn't have to pay a fine just because we need to breathe. That's not how it should be. At all. Especially for those of us who get out of breath just walking. Thank God I have travel size oxygen. I really, really need to buy me a gun though. Why aren't more officers dead after those BLM protests? I mean, COME ON! We have to get rid of the ones who are enforcing these kind of laws on those of us with respiratory problems. I read an article where this fucking piece of shit cocksucking doctor insisted that there's no such illness that would prevent anyone from wearing a face diaper. BULL. FUCKING. SHIT! He obviously isn't a fucking doctor and if he is, then he's just like all the other fucking heartless pricks that are working in hospitals these days. No compassion or heart or even fucking brains. The thing is, no one has the right to judge everyone collectively and claim this shit. You don't know us, you don't know our fucking bodies. You don't know how our respiratory system is going to respond to something like this, especially when we have a bunch of other conditions, more importantly, mental health conditions. Everyone's circumstances are different and we handle shit differently. Not everyone can tolerate a breathing restriction. Those of us with these physical and mental health conditions are supposed to be exempt and now, what? That means nothing now? The fucking CDC specifically said that those who would otherwise find it hard to breathe shouldn't be wearing this shit so I won't. I'm willing to compromise and wear a face shield and if that's not good enough, they can answer to my lawyer.
I digress. You know, you'd THINK that my doctor would at least have some kind of empathy for people who can't breathe especially at their office of all things, but then I remember how every fucking doctor and nurse today is a selfish, uncaring ASSHOLE bitch whore. And how they're contributing to the death toll. Everyone except Christian, Dom, and my medical team. Those are the only medical professionals that I will entrust my life to from now on. Everyone else in the medical world deserves to die and in an excruciating manner. Gavin Nuisance is the fucker who really needs to die too. I can't wait to vote his ass out of office along with all the other Democrats who have been ruining our lives these past 4 months. Fucking American Psycho, wannabe Christian Bale looking motherfucker! I'm begging my medical team to do something about my itching and whatever is causing this. I heard them say "we will" in my head. I've told them that if they have any anti-itch cream if they could please rub it on my limbs where they see me scratching so hopefully, they do. And on top of that, I have this constant pain in my right toes. It's hard to describe but it's like that feeling you get when your muscles start aching due to the cold weather. Yeah, constant.
On top of that, I've been extra paranoid because I've been coughing more than usual. That also concerns Christian. He's so obsessed with checking my vital signs lately, especially my oxygen level, and as much as it annoys me, I'm trying to be his "good girl" even if being bad is more fun. He's definitely not letting me eat anymore doughnuts. He thinks that's what triggered my chest pains yesterday. Yeah, and it was kind of scary because I thought and felt like I was having a heart attack. He took a listen to my heart and said I sounded fine and then told me to put my chest strap on, the one with the heart rate sensor that shows an ECG of my rhythm on my phone. So I put that on and he watched it for a little while, but he said he wanted a more conclusive image of my rhythm so naturally, Damon came and pulled out the heart monitor while Christian got the electrodes. He sat down next to me and proceeded to stick them on me then he attached the wires. Every time he does that, Damon always asks, "you need some help?" He knows Christian knows what the hell he's doing. I think he just wants to be the one to do it, but Christian always begs to differ. He's like: "No, I do not. I'm a heart surgeon. I know how to hook up the leads." Yes, he does. It makes me kinda horny when he glances back at the monitor as he's attaching the wires to see if my heartbeat has started to show up yet. Sometimes he'll be like: "There we go. Okaay. . .rhythm looks good, heart rate is good and sats look good too." I wonder if he knows he does that or if he just does it to make me horny. Maybe its a habit. Occupational habit. So after he got the wires all untangled and situated in a place that I wouldn't knock them around or they would interfere with my rhythm, I just laid there while Christian sat down beside me, watching the monitor and telling me: "Just relax, sweetheart." Easier said than done. I hate feeling like I'm in a hospital. Well, I don't mind if its HIS hospital but still. He almost put me on some oxygen but I don't think he was too worried since my oxygen saturation was normal. Damon wanted to put me on it because he knew it would help my chest pains, but Christian seemed like he was just going to give it some time. Eventually, I started to feel better but still. . .the pain came back later when I was going to go to bed. Again, he checked my pulse ox like he always does. It was normal and he listened to my heart and lungs. He said I sounded fine too so he was hoping that me using my CPAP would help the pain go away because I would be getting oxygen/air in a way. I also asked my medical team to take my chest pain away. I really wanted to meditate, but Christian wasn't having it. He just wanted me to rest, to get some sleep. Needless to say, I woke up feeling better. Thankfully. He's still worried though and I admit, I'm a little worried too. Maybe it is the doughnuts. There's no way I could have this fake ass virus though the thought has crossed my mind. I've only been out twice and the only time I go outside is to get the mail or get my DoorDash or Uber Eats orders so who knows. If it's my time though, its my time. I have a death wish anyway and damn it, if its a heart attack, I ain't going to no fucking death trap hospital. They should start calling them mortuaries now. I'm going to die at home with some fucking dignity. Not surrounded by Grim Reapers.
In other news. . after a long ass time, finally, my Concuans have decided to come back and start touching me again. Bout damn time! I've been feeling the bed move more when I lie down. It used to scare me, thinking it was my worst fear, another earthquake but I'm used to it now. I know its just them climbing onto the bed to lie down next to me. Sometimes I think I even feel their body heat against my back or them thrusting against me trying to fuck me from behind. They still do that, BTW, when I'm lying on my bed in front of my computer. I used to feel that before too. Lately, they seem to like making me tingle or touching me in my pussy so I'm guessing they probably slip their hand between my legs when I'm lying on my side. The best part is when I'm lying on my back and I feel them settle between my legs and sometimes I feel what feels like a dick brushing in between my thighs, like teasing my entrance. TMI? Sorry. Lol. It just feels so good and I can't get enough, and when they put their body weight on my hips, holding me down. Mmm. I'm so addicted to them. I just wish fucking Creepy Hollows would finish that damn reading so I could be able to possibly differentiate between them. This is so fucking ridiculous! I've been waiting for them to finish my order since June 2nd. They've done a reading before but it NEVER has taken this long. I feel like they stole my money. Really sick of this shit. I'm just going to have to keep bitching at them until they get it done. It just pisses me off because this is important to me. It's important to my relationship with Carlon and Evan but naturally, just another group of people who don't give a rat's ass about me. I guess I was right all along, the only people who truly care about me are Christian, Damon, Hyde & Dom. It's nice to not feel alone anymore though, having my Concuans show themselves by touching me. No one else around here really does. Sometimes I also feel the covers shift but I don't know if that's my Concuans or my medical team but still, its some activity, which is the only thing I've been getting lately. Some is better than none at all. I'm sick of all the other spirits around here being quiet AF. They might as well not even exist if they're going to be like that. I'm doing the best I can, putting in my effort, now they have to put in theirs, but they don't. I keep wishing that I had stopped at like 5 spirit dolls. Things would probably be a lot more different. Better. Just so sick of this shit. Sooo sick of it.
Anyway, what else? I really, really am starting to miss writing my novel. Not that I would be doing it for my non-existent readers if I continued because God knows they don't care anymore either, but I just miss the actual act of writing, getting into Christian's head. The challenging part of the novel is coming up though and that's what I'm dreading, but I know it has to be done if I want to get to the next novel. The only thing I've been doing lately is research and character profiles and its just getting old. I need to write again. No more screwing around. No one says I have to post it, but I can at least finish it. Speaking of finishing things, I'm finally almost done with that "Just Watch Me" book. I gotta say, it's been a pretty disappointing read though. Little to no action. The story is focusing more on this Katrina character and less about Riley Wolfe. Definitely not like "White Collar" as I expected. Barely. I can't wait to get my "Once Upon A Time" book club box. It's so fun how they include little gifts to open while you're reading the story and when you get to a certain page, you open that gift. That really makes me want to read more if all of the books I read were like that, coming with their own little gifts to help bring the story to life. I'm a little worried lately that I've subscribed to too many boxes. I just canceled two last night fearing that I'll run out of money, but I don't really need the ones I canceled. So including my monthly services, right now I subscribe to:
Netflix
Hulu
Spotify
Photoshop
Amazon Prime
Kindle Unlimited
Writer's Digest Tutorials
"Once Upon A Time" Book Club
Singles Swag
Chicklitology
Snack Crate
Try My Snacks
Scribbler
And that's it. I canceled my subscriptions to "Book Of The Month" and "MunchAddict" last night. All of that is probably around $200 and some dollars and my mom is on my ass lately about paying the cable and internet. All I gotta say is that this fucking unemployment extension PUA money better continue until next year or I better get stimulus every month. Something's gotta give because the economy is taking another shit dive again and that's the only place I'm getting money. The stimulus and unemployment. Like I said before, they better not make me wait until October before getting more benefits.
Update on my Cameo collection:
COMPLETED
Daddy Gillies ( x3 )
Andrew Lees
April & Phil Margera
Carson Kressley
Chris Gorham
Chris Kirkpatrick
David Lascher
Dylan Walsh
Eric Roberts
French Stewart
Jai Rodriguez
Jenna Leigh Green
Jonathan Kite ( x2 )
Karan Ashely
Lochlyn Munro
Marsha Thomason
Matthew Lawrence
Mark Curry ( x 2 )
Nick Groff
Sean Patrick Thomas
Sebastian Roche
Shawn Killinger
Tom Lenk
Wesley Jonathan
PENDING
Brian Krause
I was forgetting to add the other Daniel video to the list. There's three, not two, but I guess you guys probably already knew that, and no, the little shit hasn't made himself available again. Even worse, I waited too long to request one from Chris Daughtry and now he's unavailable. Damn it! All I gotta say, these fucks better be back before my birthday. You've got until the week of the 6th of September. If you guys aren't back by then, if ANY of the people I want birthday wishes from aren't back by then, your asses are going to get bitched out on social media. Maybe. Probably. Daddy better be back by then or so help me God. . .
So anyway, that's really all I have to update about right now. That video call with Jason David Frank was a bust, did I tell you guys that already? And now he probably thinks I'm a fucking weirdo because when I told him the reason why I was depressed and told him because it was of me not getting any spirit activity, he just ignored me and never replied back. So fuck him! I just wish I could get that $250 back. Ugh! So pissed. That call wasn't worth it at all. I should've gone with Sebastian Roche or bought a Cameo from Joey Fatone or something. Fucking Jason Frank! He can suck it! Pretending like he gives a shit but he really doesn't. Rude. Rude, rude, rude, rude, RUDE.
It's really awkward and tense between my dad and me right now. Basically, he hung up on me because I told him that I was trying to watch something when he asked why I sounded like I was in a bad mood. I tried to call him back and he doesn't' answer now so yeah, our first fight in years. His behavior just stressed me out and now I know how my mom feels. Damon tried to comfort me by telling me that Christian is my Daddy and the only one that actually cares about me. He's right. Christian told me that I don't need to be stressed over it. That it's not good for my heart. Sigh. I should just let it go but it's hard to when this hasn't happened between us before. Makes me really reconsider wanting to live with him. I just have to thank God for Christian being in my life. The best Daddy in the world. I shouldn't get mad at him for trying to take care of me. Someone has to do it, might as well be him, right? I think its sweet that he cares and I should really appreciate that more. He's the only one who treats me like a real parent, a real father and he's consistent about it, not moody or wishy-washy like some people I know.
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