I honestly should've known that this relationship with Colin was doomed from the start. I should've read up on his Zodiac sign before I even approached him. Aquarius man. According to his personality and relationship tip profile, I've been doing all the wrong things. Well, isn't that typical. I've spent the past 48 hours crying, laying in bed and sleeping. Well, except for that time earlier when I got up to shower. Damon said it would make me feel better. Physically it did, but it didn't cleanse me of my hate and depression and resentment although Damon has been such a sweetheart all day, along with the rest of the guys, trying to cheer me up, threatening to kick Colin's ass, vowing to never let anyone hurt me again and if anyone does, they'll kill them. *sigh* If only that were true. I asked them if they could pretend to be Colin for me. Damon made me laugh a little when he said: "Hi, I'm Colin and I'm a fucking douche." Bless his heart. He's trying so hard to make me feel better, to make me smile. I did the stupid thing of sending him yet another email ( even though I knew he wouldn't reply ) telling him how overwhelmed with worry and depression because I fear I'll never get to talk to him again and that's all I want right now. Asking him to reassure me that there's still hope and now that I sent that, I feel like a total idiot. Like some clingy stalkerish fangirl. I did put a disclaimer (P.S.) at the end that I was sorry for bothering him with all these messages when I know he's probably busy. Apparently even asking the tarot cards has shown me that its just not in the cards for me to get any further with him. I did a three card spread about what the future holds in store for me & Colin and what came up was:
PAST - The Knight of Pentacles PRESENT - The Ace of Pentacles FUTURE - The Hanged Man (in reverse) Then the one at the bottom of the deck was the Queen of Swords. I'm tempted to do another but it probably won't say any different and it'll probably just be pointless. I wish I were dead so I wouldn't have to feel anymore pain. I've blown it with Colin and now, all I have left is the character I created for him in my fiction. Watching our coaching call again just depressed me more, knowing I'll never get to talk to him again or see his sexy face looking at me. Maybe I should put some depressing songs on as I sulk around in bed. That's what I used to do. Honestly, I just feel like blasting and singing "Part of Me" and "Wide Awake" by Katy Perry at the top of my lungs. Maybe "Fighter" and "Walk Away" by Christina Aguilera too. So many good break-up songs. Kat recommended me putting my anger and pain into writing something so last night, I started writing a little something where Aiden came to life and tried to get me to talk to him about Colin and save me from a panic attack with his oxygen tank and mask and everything. It started to help me feel better but then, I just got bored with it and stopped. For some reason, I can't help but see Damon & Christian personally getting a hold of Colin, getting him up on Zoom and forcing me to sit in front of my computer and talk to him. In my fantasy it would be that way, and he would be sweet about it and actually concerned about why I look so sad and hopeless. Colin would be like: "Hi Amy. What's wrong? Talk to me."
And now, to make matters worse, I just learned that I'm not going to get anymore extra money on top of the $223 a week I used to get from unemployment, so in other words, no more subscription boxes, and definitely no more calls with Colin, you know, if he even cared enough to do more with me anyway. I'm so depressed, I stopped taking my medication and Christian is pissed. There are only two things in this world right now that would make everything better for me: Another video call with Colin and more money. Now I'm left to choose between which is more important. Getting my name changed or another video call with Colin. I never thought I'd have to choose between those two things but since I'm getting no more money. . .it's come down to that. If there was ever a time that I really needed a pep talk or advice video from someone on Cameo, it's now. Wishful thinking would be for Colin to refrain from charging me for his Zoom 1 on 1 calls, but I know that's not going to happen. Celebrities only want money. They don't care about anything else. Like I said before, money is the root of all evil. And I've started crying again. No surprise. I don't understand why God hates me so much. Why he never lets me hang on to my happiness. I get one moment of pure happiness and then its gone. I wish I had the courage to kill myself now more than ever. Maybe the best thing to do is just to never take my heart medication again and see if maybe I can go into A-Fib then SVT then V-Fib then die. . .my heart has to stop eventually, right? Maybe I should take that chance. A Fib can lead to death, I know it can. I've read up on it. Let's give that a try. You should see Christian's face right now. . .
"Like hell I am letting anything happen to that heart. You are taking your meds even if I have to shove them down your throat."
And just like a fool, I went and spent what little money I just got paid from the EDD to book a call with Colin for later today. I know I shouldn't have done it but its what I need right now to feel better. Just to see his face again and hear him maybe try and comfort me. If he cares. A big part of me is fearing he might not see it at all and then there goes my $175. I told him in the message for the call that we could go over the story outline, but I'd rather have a normal conversation because I've been feeling really depressed lately and I could use a friend. Then I apologized for it being so short notice and insisted its what would help me feel better. This is wishful thinking but you know what would be the sweetest thing he could do? To tell me that he's not going to charge me for the call and then just give me my money back after it ends. But I know that won't happen.
So I guess we'll see how it goes later today with Colin. Unless he messages me and insists we reschedule or cancels it entirely. I don't know if he can cancel it on his own but he probably can. I don't know. I don't even want to think about it. I'm a fucking idiot. And if I ever get another chance to have a video call with him, it won't be until the first week of September. :( Please pray for me to find some hope and happiness again.
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