Not a day goes by that I regret this whole spirit keeping bullshit. Yeah, that's right, I said it. BULL. SHIT. So I was on the Creepy Hollows forum again and I found an old post I made a long time ago calling someone out for saying shit about how I'll never be able to see any living entities on the earthly realm and in physical form and now I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life even buying that custom conjure in the first place.
That was the whole reason I wanted one. I wanted that physical affection and to feel like someone truly is pleasuring me. I wanted to feel that there was actually another man here who would make me feel sexually fulfilled and now I realize that that's never going to happen. Not with any spirit, living or dead. Human or otherwise. Damon keeps telling me to email them and tell them to stop whatever they're doing and ask for a refund and I really want to, but at the same time, I'm holding onto hope that maybe, those assholes on the forum are wrong and maybe I'll actually get what I want. Dammit. Maybe I will ask for a refund after all. I'll give it a day or so after its complete. I don't know. I just hate this spirit keeping bullshit and I'm tired of being a naive shit. Definition of insanity.
I've had more meditation moments in my head with guys that look like Dom. Don't know if they could be Concuans. Who knows. I really just don't even want to think about any kind of spirit crap or worry about it anymore. I just want to let it go and just go on with my life with Christian, Damon and Hyde and Dom. I want to go back to the way things were when it was just me and my Tulpas. Not having any expectations or wasting my time meditating for nothing, just being free to be me and not wasting money on spirits who I won't feel anyway. I wish I could go back in time to when it was just me, Hyde and Christian going to college and just being happy. I just want my old life back where I don't have to cry myself to sleep every night. But I also want someone to hold me when I cry and to cuddle me when I'm in bed and just give me a reason to go on living. It's hard to wake up every day and find something to hold onto. My death wish keeps getting bigger and I'm so numb to just any kind of danger I put myself in either intentionally or unintentionally. I just want my life to end. I want to be free. I want to be in a better place. Wherever that is. Be it in heaven with my grandparents and cousin or somewhere far away with someone who will love me forever.
I researched a while back about signs that your third eye is opening and two of those things were frequent headaches and pressure in the center of your forehead. Well I had that earlier today after I meditated. A headache that was centered there and I started to see like lighted circles flashing in front of my eyes or like these set of vertical lines kinda like blinds. I don't know how to explain it but it's weird and after I woke up from this nap I took listening to meditative music, my eyes felt different and my vision was kinda fuzzy. The dream was weird enough. I was in this huge building with all these other people ( a couple celebrities like Leah Pipes and Ashton Kutcher and others I didn't recognize ) and we were all tethered by these thin tubes that our blood was running through and I was holding onto the tubes and following them around the building to all these little stations that had like monitors displaying the readings of certain things that involved our blood, and I didn't want to be put on display for everyone to see so I kind of tried to slink away and get out of it. There was another station where we were getting our blood pressure taken like one of those things at the drug stores, then there was another station that was like a gym obstacle course with stairs and and we had to like go through it while our heartbeat was being displayed and oxygen and other things for everyone else to watch. And that was the one I refused to do and just hung back and let everyone else do. I told the technicians sitting behind the control panels that I had an arrhythmia and that I couldn't do that. Seriously, it was a weird dream. Earlier in the dream, I was like riding those tubes of blood like I was on a roller coaster and the red was like rushing through them like crazy. Definitely weirdest dream I've ever had.
Comments