Ugh! The more I watch that video of me and Colin, the more I want to keep talking to him every week, even though I shouldn't. Even though Damon says he's no good for me. Even though I'm wasting my money that I could be saving for ordering delivery or my name change. DAMN HIM! I'll be honest, I tried to resist but it was just too hard and I wasted another $175 to talk to him today. I know, I know, I need a fucking intervention. Badly. Damon was like: "Yeah, you really, really do." Ugh! Just UGH with a side of UGH. Why do I keep wanting to talk to him so badly? He thinks he's superior to everyone else, better than everyone else and that everyone should buy into his shit and pay him to be roasted in the blunt way he does. I mean, Damon is an ass too and even a little shit, but at least he has a heart and he's not always like that. I wish, I wish, I wish I had never wasted so much money on him, but at the same time, I feel like it was worth every penny because I can record our Zoom conversations now and sometimes he lets me talk for more than 50 minutes. Like usually over an hour. But I think my temptation gets the best of me because I like to sing for him and see his reaction, but I guess there isn't really much of a point to book a session if I don't really have much to talk about, huh? I can't help but love Colin's smile though and he does A LOT of smiling when I'm singing. Like today, he was smiling, closing his eyes and bobbing his head again. Hes like: "So frickin' good" and "That's awesome."
Every time he smiles at me like that and compliments me on how good and amazing my singing is, I just. . .can't. He has like the most perfect white teeth. Well, his top teeth mostly. Damn him to hell! And those black-rimmed glasses he wears really make him look younger, but he took them off during our call which I liked so I could finally see his face in all its sexiness. I think he did color his hair though because the grey isn't as obvious anymore, from what I could see in our chat. I'm glad he finally did something about it because it was an eyesore. So about my singing, he was like: "You should do a one woman show." Lol! Uhh no that's okay. I sang "Rewrite The Stars" from The Greatest Showman for him even though I kept messing up cause I'm still learning that song but I found the lyrics so I could actually sing it without messing up again. And OH EM GEE, when I was done, he groaned with pleasure. I imagined this only in my crazy, wildest fantasies, a man to be enamoured with my singing voice and fall deeply in love with me. The latter is unlikely, but hey. . .and then I sang the all-star tribute for Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On" with all the different singers and then he wanted me to sing "I'm Like A Bird" by Nelly Furtado after he heard my impression. I sang half but yeah, he was so tickled pink! I still have to do my Shakira, LeAnn Rimes, Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson, and of course, Katy Perry, and a bunch of others for him. I did Mariah Carey for him and OMG, when I was done, he was like: "Wow! That is talent! Like 1% of 1% people in the world can do that. "
He was so sweet to say that! He was like: "Thank you for singing, I really loved it." And as for next time, he said: "Rehearse for a full song, I want to hear a full song." Uhhh duh, I know so many! Seriously though, he is sooooo in love with my singing voice now! I can't even! Eeeeeeeeee!! He even said that it inspires him!
BUT, he didn't like that I called this girl on YouTube a "bitch" and he accused me of having hate in my heart. Well, excuuuuse me! But anyone I feel threatened by that's trying to steal my amazing singing thunder is a bitch in my eyes and of course as per usual, like the idiot that I usually am, I end up saying shit that I shouldn't or revealing something I should've just kept to myself and now I'm worried that he hates me or God only knows what's going on in his mind when he hears this cruel or weird stuff from me. He must think I have some major issues, but I don't know if he would actually tell me to my face. Well, he might, but he hasn't really given me another chastising since that other conversation where he spent 40 minutes trying to get his point across? Remember? It was the one I posted the transcript for. I told him about my Concuans, I told him about my Tulpas again ( and of course he never looks shit up like he says he will when I first mention it ) and I told him how Christian & Dom are on his side and think he could be good for me, but that Hyde & Damon hate his guts. He asked me what I think and I told him I'm torn. And then I told him that Damon told me to tell him that he was a douche. Yeah, I know, I should've kept that one to myself, but I still wanted to see his reaction. He's like: "Whatever" just like shrugged it off. Also, I shouldn't have told him I have a death wish. I just feel like someday, he might report me and then the fucking cops will come over. It's happened to me in the past, not living here but somewhere else. Ooooh! And he told me that he was going to be a general practitioner and wanted to do like a "doctor without borders" thing.
Mmmmm, I'd love for him to be my GP. Yeah Daddy! Give me a check-up, Dr. Egglesfield. Fuck me! And when I asked him advice about how to handle my dad with him unloading all his relationship drama to me, I accidentally revealed that I helped him to sort of hex his ex-girlfriend and then he gets all bitchy about how I handled that situation and he was like: "If he told you to go kick a baby in the face, would you do it?" I said "no" even though. . .well. . .yeah, I didn't mean it. I hate babies. And he even went as far as to ask: "If your dad asked you to show him how to use a gun so he could kill his girlfriend, would you do it?"
Yeah, he said that. Sometimes I don't think he thinks about what he says before saying it either. I don't know him at all anymore. And yet. . .I can't stay away. How do I break free of him? It's like that Christina Aguilera song: "I keep going right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from." That's totally our song. And the rest of the time, we just went over the worksheets for his dumb "Inspire" course. I swear, its starting to be scary how he knows me so well now and even down to how I will react, it's like not even funny. Like how the hell did he know that I say "Dammit, Colin!" or curse his name on a regular basis? Creepy AF! He went on to say I would be like: "He's such a jerk, he's making me treat myself better." Lol! See what I mean? Major wiggins. To think, I didn't even know who the hell this guy was like two months ago and now, we're like close. I don't care what he says or if he claims that this is just a business relationship. It's a love/hate friendship/relationship to me so that's what it will be cause I say so! I can't believe I'm actually considering adding him to "My Guys" page, but I am. I don't know what he would be. The WHAT to my WHAT? I don't know. I guess I'll just put like "Life coach" or come up with another pairing if I think about it a little more. Maybe I'll just put: "The Dex to my Rachel," his character from Something Borrowed. Yeah, that's what I'll do. So yeah, I had my call with him and I really love how much he loves my singing. I only wish that he would consider me a friend or would be sweet enough not to charge me anymore when I don't have that much money anyway. I wish it would get to that point where he's like: "Hey, you want to Zoom? I won't charge you. I just wanted to chat." But I know that's not him and he's just like all the other celebrities that only see their fans as $ bags. Of course if he said that last sentence to me, I would get scared that I had done something wrong. I still wish it would happen that way. I even pray to God asking him for a better relationship with Colin where he won't charge me anymore. That's probably unlikely though. I swear, sometimes I feel like I bore him and I hate seeing his boredom knowing I could've prevented it by not wasting my money on him and saving it for far better things, even if it happens to be clothes that I won't be wearing for a long ass time. If I want to see his face now, I have the video sessions recorded but it always pisses me off to hear him being a sarcastic asshole, reminding me that its not worth the money but I can't stop. Maybe another reason I schedule Zoom sessions with him in particular is because he gave me this outlet to chat with him instead of on Cameo and most of all, I like having someone to talk to and Kat is always too busy for me. I just hope to God I will be getting that extra money the week of the 7th (like they say California will) to replace all this. And because damn it. . .I can't stay away from Colin. Fuck! What the fuck is happening to me? I'm clearly not following the MENTAL NOTE post-it I stuck to my bookshelf reading: "No more Zoom calls with Colin!!" It made me smile when he said it was good to see me before he ended the chat. Awww! Well, he's starting to care so I guess that's progress for our relationship. But enough about Colin "fucking" Egglesfield.
So I finally went to the dentist yesterday. I was so close to rescheduling or canceling again, but Dom and Christian wouldn't hear of it. Dom even threatened to take me over his knee and spank me, and if he really could, trust me I would take the spanking instead. I fucking hated having to wear my neck gaiter but being that I've been feeling short of breath lately, I just kept it below my nostrils so I could actually breathe in the Lyft driver's car and in the waiting room. It still pissed me the fuck off that I had to have my fucking temperature taken when I went up to the desk. I'm not here to play patient with the receptionist. Especially when I'm fucking fine. This is part of the reason why I don't go out because I don't want to deal with this shit from the paranoid assholes in this world believing in some fake virus. And I also had to fill out a fucking questionnaire about whether I've had certain symptoms in the past 7-14 days. I checked shortness of breath and headache, but those are from other conditions -- anxiety, stress, allergies and dehydration. And Christian has been checking my oxygen level every day so it was definitely anxiety that's been causing my near panic attacks and shortness of breath because my oxygen level is 95% or higher. I chatted with some teenage guy in the waiting room while I waited to be called in and we ranted about this whole face diaper and COVID bullshit. I'm glad he was on my side cause if not, I woulda caused some trouble. Since there weren't as many chairs as there used to be and they were 6 feet apart, Dom & Christian just chose to stand. Christian kept giving me the fatherly look though and telling me to "behave" and watch my language when I started throwing the curse words out. I told him about the anti-mask shirts on Etsy too and he laughed and thought they were awesome. When I was called in, the fucking nurse tried to get me to rinse with some fucking mouth wash or something that killed bacteria but I refused. I would gag for sure. She let it slide, but only because she was the lenient one. I don't think Christian and Dom were happy with my decision though by their hard stares.
I really have to remember to bring a jacket the next time I go. It's always freezing in the exam rooms. So before everything else, the nurse/dental assistant took X-Rays and as soon as they were done and she put them on the lightbox, Dom, being the dentist/oral surgeon that he is, immediately went to take a closer look. He was like: "Yeah. . .you've got a lot of decay there" and he and Christian gave me "the look" again. That disappointed fatherly look that screams, "we'll deal with you later, young lady." Tee hee! Dom said that at least he could get the X-Rays now since he couldn't do it in the wonderland. He went back to his spot beside Christian and stood there in the corner with his arms crossed firmly over his chest. Then the dentist came in and Dom came to my side to take a look in my mouth along with him. Of course. Only Dom. He would've looked hotter with a mask on though. Lol! The dentist just had an N95 mask on and a gown. Owww, it always hurts when he picks my gums with that sharp thingy. When my dentist said I need to floss and brush at least twice a day, Dom glared at me and was like: "I told you." Yeah, yeah, I know, I hear it all the time. When I complain about my teeth not being white enough, he's always telling me: "You need to start brushing and flossing twice a day. Not just once. That's the only way you're going to see a difference." Awww! He's a cute and sexy dentist. It pisses me off but God love him. I guess the marks I see on my teeth are just past fillings and staining. I'll definitely have to get a cleaning soon and see if they can get that off. He said he might be able to. Not for sure though. I tried that strategy tucking my thumb into my hand when they took the X-Rays so I don't gag but I still did. . .once. But when I was able to get through it, Dom was like: "Good job" or was it "good girl"? I don't remember. My memory sucks. Maybe he said both, but today, ugh, my fucking wisdom tooth has been bugging the fuck out of me every time my cheek rubs against it. I really can't stand it anymore. I just want it out. I wish, wish, wish Dom would take it out for me himself because there's no oral surgeons nearby. I did like that one who took out my wisdom tooth before, Darryl Morris ( yes, he had the same name as Dorian Gregory in Charmed -- how cool is that? ). He was really nice, but I doubt he would take medi-cal. I had to pay out of pocket last time and it was like over $1,000. I was just glad my grandparents paid for it. I need so much work on my teeth, it's not even funny. I need another root canal, my bridge replaced, a wisdom tooth extracted and fillings. Dom would definitely have his hands full with me. In more ways than one. I can't to write that next story in the series. I'm gonna have some fun with that one. Especially the three-way. ;) But anyway, looks like I'll have to go back for those fillings later this month. Grrr! I really don't want to go out again, but I'm sure my spirits probably enjoyed it since they haven't been out in like forever. Kat always says its sort of like the equivalent of taking your dog out for a walk. I was sitting and lying flat in the dentist's chair for the longest time, my ass was starting to go numb. When I was lying down, I was like: "Dom, can you sit me up, please?" And he was like: "Not yet. The dentist might not be done with you yet." Grrrrr! He kept taking more X-Rays and like I said before, Dom went over to look at them. Christian asked him about them and I don't remember what Dom said but yeah. I felt like I was there forever, longer than I should've been, but eventually, they finished and ugh, it took long enough for my fucking Lyft to get there. 24 minutes? WTF? Ugh! But they came.
The day before that, I had the worst headache and toothache and even though I took some medicine, it still didn't go away so of course Damon & Christian decided to try putting me on some oxygen since they know that it sometimes helps and they even put me on a pulse ox. I'm like: "Really? REALLY?" Ugh! I felt like a patient in the hospital. I hate when they do that. But yeah, it helped a little than just taking the meds. And today, ugh! My heart started to act up again and Christian was pissed. Well, pissed and nervous and scared because I was in A-Fib. He demanded immediately that I take my meds. I really should take them when I get up everyday, but I get so lazy and then I wait until much later. I guess my actions caught up with me finally. Christian says that when I get up now, I'm going to take them whether I like it or not. Sigh. Well I guess I don't have a choice now. I don't want that to happen again and I haven't had an A-Fib episode in months, several months. I hate the way it feels. I feel like Alex in Saving Hope when that happens. He came over and took my wrist and he didn't let go for a while. I of course took my meds and Christian was so impatient, he kept telling me to take them when I was just starting to get the bottles out and I was like: "I know, I know, I know, I can't take them any faster." Honestly, it took a long time for them to finally kick in and Christian decided to put me on some oxygen again for a while to see if that would help ease my A-Fib, even though my oxygen level was fine. It helped a little until my meds finally decided to kick in. It's a good thing that that didn't happen during my Zoom with Colin, otherwise. . .well, I kind of wish it had because then he probably would've been worried and maybe he'd go into "doctor" mode. I have appointments with my heart doctors in the coming two weeks, but they're going to be over Zoom because yeah, I don't need that bullshit like at the dentist and having to wear that bullshit that prevents me from breathing. So I am dead fucking tired and I need to get some sleep.
I'll start proof-reading my HTSAL chapter tomorrow. I can't believe it's only 20 pages, but whatever. Night night!