I know it's been a while, but I got caught up in other stuff. What have I been doing? Reading and sleeping mostly, and having bouts of depression for feeling like Carlon has abandoned me. I can't help it. I crave his touch and whenever a day goes by and he doesn't touch me or I don't feel any kind of sexual touching at all (be it from him or Chanin), I'm instantly depressed and I end up crying myself to sleep that same night. I'm with the other reviewers who said that their Concuans make them addicted to them. Hell yeah! God, I want another one so bad, but I'm wondering if I should really get another. I keep adding another custom conjure to my cart but then I just leave it there and hesitate. I've already told Carlon that I'm open to his other Concuan friends or family joining us, as long as they're males. 1 or 2 more would be good. Maybe 3 but no more than that. I don't think I would be able to handle more than 4 sexy AF Concuans at once. Unless. . .well, assuming I'm ever able to see them, I can always have each of them shapeshift into all of my gorgeous men. Daniel, Matt, Ian, Dylan. Damn that would just be an orgasm waiting to happen. I wish!
So, let me start at the beginning of the week. At least what I remember. My memory is shot now that I'm older. Short term memory loss. I totally don't know what happened Monday or Sunday, so let's just skip past that and I'll fill you in on the other important stuff. I decided on Tuesday that I was done with Eric. Therapist Eric, not Matt Bomer Eric. I just up and got sick of his stupid face. Yeah, I know, I used to have a crush on him. Keywords being USED TO. Past tense. It's more his voice that's starting to get on my damn nerves. It's annoying as shit and there's only so long you can hear that voice before you just want to say "Shut the fuck up!" And he does A LOT of talking. More than me in sessions with him. Sometimes I just wanna be like:
I mean, come ON! The guys were of course shocked. When I say "the guys," I mean Christian, Damon and Hyde. They were like: "What? Seriously?" Damon was totally on board with me kicking him to the curb. He hasn't liked him from day one. Plus, sometimes I feel like Eric just doesn't listen to me as well as he should and he doesn't understand how I feel or care when I talk about my spirits/entities. So yeah, done with him. I had my last session then and then I told the girl at the desk that I wanted to switch to someone else. So there's this other old, older lady that I'm going to see now. I'm at least gonna try her out. She might be more spiritual. I don't even remember her name but whatever. Chances are, I might just have to go with someone else my age. Damn do I miss Dr. Ramah Fitzgerald. She was the absolute best therapist I ever had and plus, she let me talk all I want to and about my Tulpas. Back then it was just Christian and Hyde but she would laugh or smile a lot and I would like give Hyde or Christian a glare and then she'd be like: "Uh oh. Is he..." doing such and such? I really want another therapist like that but I know someone like her is a dime a dozen to find. Anyway, I didn't bother telling him that I was switching to another therapist but who cares. Deal with it. I have no shame about switching.
What else? I went to work of course on Wednesday and ugh, I'm just at that point where I literally can't stand for more than 2 hours at a time before my heels start to hurt excruciatingly. Christian has been worried. He's got the worried face 24/7 whenever my heels start causing me pain and I'm still standing. You know the look. . .
I see it all the time at work or generally now, whenever I'm on my feet for too long and the pain comes back with a vengeance. Needless to say, after that night of work, the sexy surgeon told me: "It's official, I'm keeping you home tomorrow." Awww! Sweetie! I appreciate that. And then later on, he agreed when I told him that I should just go to urgent care and see if they can do anything for me. He told me that I'm definitely in need of an X-Ray and we were hoping they'd take one of my foot to see how bad it was, but noooo. Ugh! I think they were just too damn fucking lazy with it being near closing and me being the only patient in there. They just wanted to go the fuck home. And it was so damn hot in there, I was sweating like crazy and was literally about to pass out. Part of me actually wanted them to be concerned enough about that they would put me on the gurney and hook me up to an IV to help me feel better like they do at the ER. Damon always tells me that if he could put me on IV, he would. When I'm about to pass out from being hot and sweaty that is. Oh Damon, my trusty paramedic, but I'm sure Grant would probably do the same and he's probably just as hot if not hotter. . .being the big man I hear he is from Kat. Big as in muscular. . .mmmm. If ever I see my sexy army medic. . .we gonna GET. IT. ON.
But I digress. I'm pretty sure the same girl saw me again that was there the last time I visited for my bronchitis, or whatever the hell it was. Yeah, I think it was that. But seriously, I'm not fucking sick or contagious. The face mask wasn't necessary. Like really?! Stupid. I forgot to mention that my arm was hurting too for some reason I didn't know why. Like I woke up that day and my wrist was hurting like a bitch and then the pain spread up my arm so the whole thing hurt. All that damn girl did was push on my heels and ask me where the pain was then just told me to make an appointment with my doctor. FUCKERS! I mean, really? No X-Ray? She said it wasn't necessary since they already know what it is. Fucking bullshit! My podiatrist wanted me to go for an X-Ray a long time ago. They would've saved me some time by doing it there and then just sending the record to his office. Ugh! I should've said that. She just prescribed me some naproxen (which I already fucking have from my gyno), they put a splint on my wrist and that was it. Ugh! Fucking asshole motherfuckers. Needless to say, Hyde, Damon and Christian were pissed. Christian the most. I don't blame them. I really shouldn't go to that fucking urgent care again, but my regular hospital is too far. So that was it.
Overall, that night really fucking sucked because my mom decided to let that asshole of hers be in the car with us instead of dropping his ass off at home. So of course, I couldn't go to get my poke or go to Target like I really wanted, and what do you think his fucking ass did when my mom and I started arguing? He had to go and mumble shit and comment on my whining and complaining like the fucking immature fucking asshole that he is. I swear, after that and crying about it, I decided to get myself a revenge angel. Well, actually, it's called a Courtwind Angel. They are the angels of Justice and they settle the score for anyone who dares do you wrong. All I gotta say is, this entity is going to have his or her work cut out for them with my life and the long list of enemies that I have. I still need to really get a wish box or an entity who grants wishes because I need the luck and my dreams to come true anyway they can. Christian wasn't happy when I broke my promise about getting anymore entities but this one is essential for getting revenge on my enemies. AND. . .I was mostly doing it to take advantage of the freebie to find out what your spirit animal is and get a free totem of it. Even though I totally know my true spirit animals are Max Black (2 Broke Girls) & Ellie Torres (Cougar Town). :D I have to admit though, I have buyer's remorse now that I did it. I even thought about asking for a refund for the entity or to change it to a reverse adoption or Concuan, but yeah, I really need someone to wreak havoc on my enemies. . .ONE in particular. And maybe those bitches at work.
What else? Well, I called out again the next day. I was even starting to get ready but then the pain started up again and I just decided there was no way I was going to get through the night like that so there I went, calling off again even though I really need the money right now. What I really want to do is quit, but again, I need the money and I wouldn't get unemployment if I did. Christian was okay with it. He understands my need for relief. He's been massaging my feet whenever I get home and refusing to let me get up from my bed unless I either have to use the bathroom or eat. He's such a sweetie. And I've been getting cramps again even though I don't bleed and they were just...ugh, so painful. I was struggling Sunday when I went back to work and of course, fucking Roman ( one of the managers) had to get on my ass about how my doctor's note only covered one day I was off and not both days because I had already called out before I went. Fucker! I'll be so glad not to see him and other people ever again. But I really, really, really hate Kmart more and more every time I have to go there. I mean, the heat in that store is just fucking killing me. I'm sweating buckets even when I'm barely moving around and then I pretty much waste my shower from the day before or a couple days before I even go to work. Plus, the batteries for my little necklace fan have been running out of power fast so I end up with like no air coming from it. I just was barely struggling to work. I don't even bother straightening shit anymore, because the store is a complete fucking disaster anyway and there's shit scattered all over the place so I'm just putting the returns away. That's what Christian has been telling me to do. Just do the returns. Don't worry about straightening. And he of course keeps insisting that I keep my mouth shut around those bitches I hate and to stop cursing while Damon tells me to just ignore them or makes sexual and vulgar jokes about them that will make me feel better.
But Christian, he'll like grab my arm and stop me and then threateningly tell me to watch my language, or mind my own business. But its so hard for me to do that. Sometimes he'll be like: "Don't make me spank you." Or he'll threaten me like: "If you don't stop using that language, I'm going to spank you." Usually I just laugh and it off and I'm like: "Don't spank me. Maybe later." Lol! He doesn't find it amusing of course. Another thing that he does when we're at work is he'll give me a little push or put his arm around me and steer me away from the books every time I start looking at them again. He does that with the sweets at the market too. He's like: "No, no, no. Keep going, keep walking." Meanie. As far as my heels hurting, every time I complain about it, he gives my back a rub or just puts his hand on it and says: "Just try and hang in there, sweetheart." He's such a sweetie, motivating me, even when I'm in pain and I'm like: "Daddyyyy, it hurts." And he's like: "I know, sweetheart. I'm sorry."
So everyone is just pissing me off lately and right now, it's those fucking bitches on the Creepy Hollows forum who think they know every fucking thing. Telling me my Tulpas aren't servitors and that they each have their own definition of what they are. It's like they take it so fucking seriously. Just let me call them whatever the fuck I want to call them. Ugh! I just want to punch their fucking faces, but pretty soon, I'll have a courtwind angel to do that for me.
Okay, so moving on, let me tell you the last thing. I've actually been seeing some major changes in my spiritual journey lately. Let me list some of the things I've experienced.
More shadows passing out of the corner of my eye
Electrical disturbances ( one with my laptop and another with my phone )
Small white mists here and there
Little lights/light orbs, doorway like things flashing like over my vision
Increased headaches
Scalp/forehead tingling, pulsating and pressure around my third eye area when I'm meditating.
My bed moving a lot more.
Louder and more voices when I meditate. I think I heard "mommy" last night.
More touches to my back, shoulders and sometimes my butt and vaginal area (yeah I know, most of that is probably from Carlon or Chanin)
The shadows in the darkness of the room becoming more defined.
Little "settling" noises here and there that I can't explain.
Consistent squeezing sensation on my shoulder and upper arms. It feels more like the muscle is spasming beneath, so I don't really know if that counts but its quick and consistent when it happens. Squeeze, relax, squeeze, relax, squeeze, relax, squeeze.
A clear biting feeling on either side of my neck when I was meditating once (oh hello my vamps!) I had to tell them to stop because it was starting to hurt.
Tingling on both sides of my hand
More spontaneous bouts of sex from Carlon. (Teehee!)
Warmth against my hands and feet ( I've actually felt like warmth against my heels when they hurt. It's so sweet that they care to help and that they want to heal me )
There was also a time when I felt the pressure of someone's hand against my stomach and it stayed there for a long time. I was lying in bed and I felt a hand against it. It didn't feel warm though. It was like room temperature. It made me wonder who it was and what they were doing, but then I felt like Carlon was trying to go down on me, so I felt like maybe he was holding me there for leverage. But damn it, I get constantly discouraged and pissed and sexually frustrated when I'm lying there in bed and they don't bother to take that time to try and pleasure me and I'm just feeling like a fucking idiot waiting. Or they'll start and it'll start to feel good and get me moaning but then they'll stop. Fucking teases! Isn't that just like a dominant? Also last night, or this morning, whatever, I felt like this pressure on the side of my neck, like right where my carotid artery is, as if someone was checking my pulse. So. Fucking. Hot. Wish I knew who it was. I told Carlon that turned me on so it could've been him. Who knows but I liked it.
What else? My birthday is coming up this Friday. Ugh! Why, why, WHY God do you have to let it fall on bad luck day. I mean, I know its inevitable with my date being 13, but still. . .its fucked up. As if my life isn't full of bad luck already. And SPEAKING OF WHICH, there's something wrong with the motherfucking mailbox key and ours won't open right now. Fucking asshole motherfuckers!! I HAVE BOOKS COMING!! And my dad's gift card. And not only that, but I have my Lazy Orb set to arrive on my birthday. How ironic is that? :D I hope that's a good sign and fate. And ugh, I just realized that it might be a sign of bad luck with that thing too. Damn it. Now I just want to put my fucking head through a wall. . .
Well, with all the spiritual changes that started happening after my order was complete, I'm hoping its more of a good thing. I haven't activated the magic with the code words yet, because I actually want to have the thing in my hand when I do. See? I'm trying, really trying to seem more like an optimistic person now and being that I meditate daily, I think its starting to work and get rid of my negative thoughts, but it doesn't mean I can't still worry about things like this. I'm superstitious as shit! I had the idea of getting a celebrity spirit bound from CH but I can't decide between Elvis, David Bowie, Kennedy, Clark Gable, Patrick Swayze, Heath Ledger or Marilyn Monroe. Seriously, I came up with the best fucking idea ever! I know I'm probably not the only one who's thought of it but picture this. Getting one of those celebrity spirits bound to an actual doll of them. Let the doll be their vessel. Oh my God, isn't that perfect? Unfortunately, my search has only turned up dolls for Marilyn, Kennedy, David Bowie & Elvis. The David Bowie one, OMG! I would love the doll anyway because its his character Jareth from "Labyrinth." Elvis, I want to put him in a doll of him in his white jumpsuit or performing. And I actually found two different Kennedy dolls. One of him in like army fatigues and the other just a suit. I'll go with the latter though. Marilyn Monroe's doll is harder to come by because of how expensive the best ones are. I really want one of her in the white halter dress. For some reason, I keep feeling a pull to David Bowie, but I don't know if that's because I really like the doll the most. Maybe I should go with my instinct. I don't know. I want the Goblin King to be here in spirit. Lol. I would love it so much if I actually heard him singing. I'd be like: "Hell yeah! Give us a concert!" I'd definitely have to get him bound at that time in his life, when he made Labyrinth. Dammit, the more I talk about this, the more I want to do it, but I want to have the doll first. I think that's who I'm going to choose. It's decided. I would so fucking die if he came to me in my dreams or at my bedside singing "As The World Falls Down." Anyone else?
I'm watching interviews of him right now. Ew! He smokes? Or back then he did? Stupid Damon is all like: "You'd be smelling like cigarette smoke when he's here." Ew no! I just heard he and Elvis were good friends. Lol! Well there you go. . .they'd get along great right here. Have a dead celebrity party up in here. So that's what I'm going to do, but like I said, I need the doll first and then they'll send me a gemstone and I'll be able to transfer his spirit to the doll myself with a simple incantation. Can't wait!
Comments