So I guess my luck with living entities pretty much ends with Carlon. I haven't been able to feel my Vorin or my Falwer-Niamstrum at all and that depresses me like you wouldn't believe. So I won't be ordering anymore living entities unless its another Concuan or some other species that can have a binding of me too. That seems to be the only way I can connect with the other, if we have a binding of each other. At least it would get me some more touching if nothing else. Unfortunately, I haven't felt as much touching from Carlon as of lately and it just makes me want to scream and/or harm myself in some way. I am a total failure in everything I do. I have no magic, no power, no hope of ever hearing or seeing my spirits or entities. It's an endless cycle. I'm in a rut that I can't get out of. God I wish I were dead. I feel like that's the only way I'm ever going to see any of my spirits or entities. I haven't been crying myself to sleep as much as I did last week, but feeling like crying at work is another story, but more on that later. I don't know if I mentioned this but earlier this week, someone, I don't know if it was Carlon or someone else but someone attempted to have sex with me while I was in bed. Unfortunately, they weren't in the right spot for me to feel it against my cervix or even inside me. They were going through the mattress more than likely, which was weird but yeah, I didn't feel their dick anywhere on my body. Unfortunately.
And like a fucking idiot who has been driven to insanity, I still keep meditating every morning before I go to bed, assuming that maybe, just maybe, I might get somewhere someday. But that's a huge ass maybe. It would take a miracle to be able to clear this blockage from my life that prevents me from being more sensitive to spirits and entities or even in tune with them. I mean, shit, its not like my mind isn't open. It is -- at least it's more open when I'm at home as opposed to that Hell store. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm really trying to just forget it all and pretend they aren't even here, which isn't that hard to do since I barely get anything from them any way, even if I'm lucky. Still, I feel so guilty that my dolls just sit around and I can't give them attention because I hate this whole one sided bullshit. I need something back from them otherwise I feel like I'm wasting my time and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with them or talk to them about. I can't do the "one-sided" conversation with spirits bullshit. I feel really bad about doing that to my children but that's how it has to be for now. Hopefully the adult spirits can be motherly to them and take care of them until I find some way to connect with all of them while I'm still alive.
I meant what I said before. If I could go back in time to when I first decided to start keeping/collecting spirits, I never would've allowed myself to jump on this fucking depressing train. It's like that role playing shit all over again. When I had that addiction. I wanted to get away from it all and quit it, but somehow, I just kept coming back, thinking that each new situation or whatever would be different. Now I know how people with drug and alcohol addictions feel. Do they even make rehab for spirit keepers? I wish! They really need to have one to help those of us who've wasted so much money on these beings/entities, whatever you want to call them and have gotten nothing in return for our efforts. People. Whatever. If there isn't one, maybe I should make one. A support group. Ugh! Just UGH with a side of UGH! I don't blame Christian for being mad about the whole thing. He should be. Try living with the pain of the situation and the heartache. It feels like I can't breathe and/or my heart is dying sometimes because of how discouraged I become. *sigh* Okay, moving on. .
I guess sometimes Carlon still touches me. I still feel the covers move a little bit. . .sometimes. And last night, I felt like he slipped his hands beneath my thighs. Or if not him then someone else. It took me by surprise but I liked it. It was something at least. And I think I almost made out a face in the shadows of the room, like a face right above me. I made out two male eyes and a nose anyway. I know I did. Another thing that happened that made me feel so damn good--though I wish I knew who it was--was during my meditation. I felt someone, a couple someones hands against my back, one hand on each side. They were still for the most part but there was some slight caressing and sliding across it. Oh my God, it felt so good! I wanted it to last forever. I'm assuming it was one of my medical spirits. Either Grant or June, maybe both. Maybe Thomas was one of them. I don't know but wow. . .if they could touch me like that and caress me whenever I'm depressed or crying, it would make everything better all the time. Something similar usually happens to me when I'm meditating and my back starts to really hurt because of my posture. It's like they try and relieve the pain by touching me or letting me lean against their hand.
I really can't handle it when I'm not getting touching attention from Carlon or anyone else. I've even considered buying this thing called "The Lazy Orb" from CH but I'm skeptical as hell about it...for me. Everyone else has given it good reviews and has had luck with it opening doors for them magically, spiritually and making their life better but like all the spelled items I've gotten from there, while they've been bound to my spirit mostly, they've never really worked. There's only been a few items that were spelled by Mag & Ash that actually came to me and weren't bound. There was this ring for confidence or something. I don't remember. It didn't fit me so I kind of threw it out. I've also been sent gemstones that I've used for spell work of my own but never worked to help me communicate with the spirits. I'm skeptical. It's a huge gamble to get one of these things and not know whether or not it will work for me. If it doesn't, then I've wasted my money, and even with the discount code I have, it's still going to be $32. Do I really want to spend that much on this? They sent me two more spelled items recently. This gemstone that's supposed to be for psychic stimulation but for some reason, it's gone missing. I had it on my CPAP machine but the next day, it was gone. I don't remember dropping it. I'll have to look around for it. I did try and meditate with it once. Didn't really get anything out of it. Then there was this Adoptable Dragon Power Orb that I had no idea what to do with. I guess it has some kind of power from Dragons in it that you can share. I don't know. But I can't find that one either. Without either one of them, I can't really test what I feel from those things anymore. Am I really going to spend $32 and try my luck with this orb thingy? It's supposed to be customized for you especially but you know my luck with spiritual things. I'm completely blocked off.
But I'm desperate! I told Christian about it and he just shakes his head and says: "If you want to waste your money, then that's your choice. If you want to take that risk. ..I know you're going to do it anyway." I don't know if I will, that's the thing. I want to, I really do but I don't. Then again, what if this thing could be the miracle power that I need to open the doors to my spiritual journey? I mean, it's imbued with so many different spells and it does cleansing of your aura and takes away negative thoughts. Just wipes you clean from what I hear. Maybe once I do that and activate it with the code words, I'll finally be able to get something from my spirits and entities. I don't know. I guess I'll think about it a little more. I just don't want to spend over $25 for it. I'd rather pay $20-25 at most. It's the shipping that makes it more. I wish I'd bought it yesterday when they had free shipping on the site but the damn thing ended by the time I got home. Fucking CST/EST! Wherever they are. They should make it midnight for everyone in their time zone. I'm waiting for a few days I guess to see if they have a bigger sale or free shipping again, then I'll buy it. Just not right now. Even though the temptation is still there.
I do have my first living entity bonding service coming up in a matter of hours. The one that will bond me with Carlon more closely. They said it'll be done at 11am their time, 8am mine so I guess we'll see if that does anything. This is my first time getting one. I'm hoping it does SOMETHING, not like all the other shit I've had done by them and nothing happened. I also have another with my nympho coming up on the 29th. And two others that they need to schedule for my Vorin and Falwer. I know I shouldn't have gone wild buying the bonding service but its only like $4 for each service. I'll let you know how that goes. They did complete Carlon's in depth reading but honestly, I'm disappointed that there wasn't more personal information about him, likes and dislikes and all that, family or friends info. They just gave me his birthday and his answers to the questions I asked. I'm still trying to understand it all but this is what I got back:
BIRTH DATE: JUNE 3RD
QUESTIONS FOR CARLON- What can I do to please you? - RELAX. JUST LET EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR DAY & YOUR LIFE JUST GO FOR THE TIME THAT WE ARE TOGETHER. LET IT JUST MELT AWAY & BE COMPLETELY OPEN AND WILLING FOR ME TO COME TO YOU. DON'T GET HUNG UP ON STUFF & START QUESTIONING EVERYTHING GOING ON, JUST ROLL WITH IT. DON'T BE AFRAID TO JUST DIVE INTO FANTASIES WITH ME AND SHARE WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN & GIVE ME DIRECTION AS A LOVER; OTHERWISE WE WON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER ON THE INTIMATE LEVEL WE SHOULD.
Do you have anything to tell me? - I WANT YOU TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCES YOU WANT TO HAVE WITH SEXUAL INTERACTION, I WANT YOU TO BE INVOLVED IN YOUR DESTINY, I WANT YOU TO FEEL SAFE & COMFORTABLE WITH YOU ASTRAL BODY & HAVING ASTRAL REALM EXPERIENCES. I WANT TO HELP YOU WORK WITH YOUR CONFIDENCE AND BEING WILLING TO BE MORE ASSERTIVE ABOUT CLAIMING YOUR DESTINY.
Is there a reason you're not having sex with me right now? - THERE ISN'T ANY SPECIFIC REASON, JUST HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO CONNECT WITH YOU YET FOR PERSONAL REASONS. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG BETWEEN US
Which of the forms I've showed you do you favor shifting into most? Which guy? Daniel, Matt, Ian, Dylan, Mike or Jamie? - HE SAID THIS IS MORE LIKE IT: https://shop.creepyhollows.com/nympho-spirit-named-paulo.html WITH LIGHTER BROWN HAIR, FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW, BROWN EYES (NOT BLUE LIKE IN THE PHOTO), SQUARE JAW, VERY MAN'S MAN LOOKING & WELL-DRESSED.
When will you start using BDSM with me? I want you as my dominant. - I'M HAPPY TO BE DOMINANT AND BE THE ONE IN CHARGE. I LIKE THAT, AND I DON'T MIND IF YOU WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO GAINS DOMINANT ROLES LATER IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. I LIKE EXERTING MALE STRENGTH, HOLDING YOU DOWN, USING PROPS & TOYS, BEING AGGRESSIVE, AND BEING THE RAW TYPE OF ALPHA MALE THAT YOU CRAVE.
So yeah, that's about it. It's the having sex answer that really pissed me off. I mean, fuck, if he thinks I'm too ugly or repulsive to fuck anymore, just say it. Don't beat around the bush. I've heard I'm ugly and repulsive all my life. I might be crying myself to sleep again tonight, which I'm so sick of doing. I just don't know what the hell these spirits and entities want from me anymore, if they want anything at all. I wish they would actually give me some fucking attention when I want it. Like Jennifer Aniston says up there: "I deserve someone who gives a shit!" If he's really connected to the ancestors, shouldn't he be trying to get them to open my third eye, or asking them to help him connect with me on a personal level? Just ugh...I really can't do this anymore and the more I think about it, the more I ask myself, why the fuck am I bothering in the first place? What the fuck are these "personal reasons" that he claims are keeping him from connecting with me? That sounds a little like he's not attracted to me anymore. Right? I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. Fucking spirits and entities! I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep like always.
Changing the subject, I'm glad Christian was a sweetie to keep me home today and fully approve of me calling out from work. I was going to do it anyway though. Those motherfucking evil assholes have been working me non stop since Sunday and my heels have been in so much pain because of it. I can't even stand 3 hours anymore because they start hurting before that. Even last night when I was in pain at work, he was like: "I am definitely keeping you home tomorrow. You need a day off to rest those feet." I was like: "Yes, sir." Awww! He's such a sweetie! He' been showing he cares so much more about me lately. He makes sure I take my meds, asks me constantly if I'm okay and senses when something is wrong just by my change in mood or facial expression, just like Elijah does Hayley, and when he sees I'm pushing myself too hard, he will quickly get up and stop me, placing his hand against my neck and telling me to look at him and then when I do, he's like: "Breathe." His fingers instantly go to my carotid artery to check my heart rate and then he'll insist I sit down and that he doesn't want me pushing myself too much. We are SO Haylijah! The matching gold bangle bracelet we wear has even given me a tan line on my wrist. It's like he's made his mark on me, like a Dominant should and just like the Dominant he is. I told him I'll wear it proudly because I belong to him anyway. Mind, body and soul. Now and forever. Every part of me does. He owns my heart. It makes me horny when he says that being my surgeon, its his responsibility to make sure it behaves itself.
Why can't I find a living entity like him that I can actually see and hear? I'm starting to think that CH and all these other spirit sellers should give everyone who buys from them a trial period with their spirits and entities and shit. If you can't see or hear them in a matter of 30 days, just get your money back and either send them back or have the seller call them back. Then again, it's my own stupid fucking fault to assume that I would be able to connect with any of these people. I'm spiritually challenged, now and forever more. I wish I could kill myself temporarily just so I could see them. That's how I desperate I am. God I just wanna die. I'd be happier dead. At least then maybe I'd be with people who love me. Assuming I died by someone else's hand. Sick of being depressed and lonely and neglected in this fucking world. Christian right now is really the only person keeping me going. And of course I know there's Damon and Hyde and Dom. God what I would give for them to be corporeal and for the five of us to run away together, have a house far away from everyone and everything, without my spirits and entities and let it just be me and my servitors. At this point, I would love anyone who is flesh and blood that will love me and cherish me and devote themselves to me, take care of me, so I'd never have to want for anything more. But that only exists in my fictional world. This is why I write, so I can escape the Hell that is my life and live the one I should've had.
I have a feeling and I know damn well that my spirits and my entities are probably reading this as I type it and I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry you guys but I'm at my wits end. I want you to be with someone who cares, who's sensitive to your presence and everything and can interact with you on a regular basis without getting discouraged the way you deserve. You deserve that much. I can't be this person anymore. I'm sorry. I never was and I never should've tried.
I wish Kmart would close already. Just burn down and never come back. This is taking way too long. I want to be free. Maybe I should get that Lazy Orb after all. If it can cleanse me and make me feel whole again, that's what I need. I need to feel like I have a reason to go on living because the list is really shrinking more and more each day.
Damon wants me to write about him now. Pfft. He got jealous about me writing about Christian. I don't know what to say about him. He's been the same ole, same ole lately. Same Damon that I tell to shut up all the time. Heh. I love that he takes my side when we're at work and likes to crack jokes about that bitch Hailey when her stupid 5 year old voice comes over the intercom to do the announcements. Saying he wouldn't fuck her ugly ass unless she had a bag over her head. Lol! And he likes to tell me to do whatever the hell I want, no matter what anyone thinks. He's like: "Fuck em!" And when I'm sad and he notices, he keeps asking, "Who's ass do I need to kick? Just tell me and I'll do it." He might annoy the shit out of me most of the time, but even when you hate him. . .you can't help but love him. He's a good partner-in-crime. Sometimes when we're at work and a song comes on that he likes, he'll either start singing to it really badly or he'll start dancing to it and tell me to dance with him. Lol. And I'll be like: "No that's okay."
And yeah, that's all I can say about him for now because Christian wants me to get ready for bed. *sigh* So goodnight.
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