So, when it rains, it pours, especially in the form of bad shit. Story of my fucking life. Aside from hating Colin's
guts so much that I want to hex and do bad shit to him ( because I've still gotten no fucking response to any of my emails ), my heart has taken it upon itself to start acting up again. I mean, I have a death wish and all, and because of my depression and suicidal thoughts, I haven't been wanting to take my heart medicine, which you can imagine has royally pissed Christian the fuck off. See, yesterday, I was so depressed that I didn't bother taking my meds until after 8 pm, and Christian has been hating that I wait all day to do it, but this time, I didn't even want to take them at all and I kid you not, he gave me the most seething glare you can imagine and he kept glaring at me like that until I finally decided to take them, well. . .I didn't really decide. He threatened to punish me and shove the meds down my throat if I didn't take them. I gotta admit though that seeing him angry always makes me wet. So I took them and Christian, being the worry-wart that he is, decided to put his stethoscope on and take a listen to my heart just to see how it was doing after I waited so long. I always want to fight him on it, but I didn't think much of it. I thought I was fine.
No sooner after he put his stethoscope on and put it on my chest did I see his brows furrow and a deeply concerned scowl cross his face and he was like: "Sweetheart, your heart is pounding." Now let me say this, if he was flesh and blood and I could actually see, hear and feel him, my heart would be pounding around him all the time, especially when he decides to listen to my heart or my lungs, but we both know that that wasn't the case. This was different. I didn't even know my heart was beating so fast until he told me. He's the one who discovered it, which was really scary that I didn't even feel it. Just like that one time when I was in A-Fib and didn't know it (and yeah, that's happened more than once already). At least I wasn't in SVT like I was that one time that I had to go to the ER ( which I will never do again ) for. He said I was close to being tachycardic. The next thing I know, he turns on the heart monitor and puts me on a pulse ox, intent on monitoring me and insisting that I rest until he sees my heart rate come down. God love him, but damn it, I hate having that damn thing on my finger, making it hard for me to type or hold anything. Damon came in while I was resting and Christian told him my heart rate was elevated. Damon instantly went into medic mode and he was like: "You want me to put her on some oxygen?" No way in hell was I letting them put me on the oxygen because like I said before, that oxygen concentrator gives off heat when it's on and it gets hot enough in here. So I just laid in bed and rested with that pulse ox on my finger while Christian sat on the edge of the bed (his stethoscope over his shoulders) watching my monitor and watching me, all three of us waiting for my meds to kick in. If they didn't, he was going to make me take another dose. Eventually, they did start working and he let me unhook myself from the machine. At one point, I couldn't hold my phone right and I just straight up pulled off the probe and threw it down, which pisses him off when I do that. He was like: "Amy. . .you need to keep this on," and then he clips it back on my finger. As annoyed as I get with him for keeping me monitored and everything when I'm sick or something is wrong with my heart, you gotta love how sweet he is to care about me. He still comes to my bedside and caresses/strokes my hair while doing that little "shh, shh, shh" thing, which I love so much. Or when I'm having chest pain, he'll come to my side and be like Joel in that scene with that girl in season 2 where he tells her to "Lie back" and then eases me down onto my back like her and goes, "Thaaaat's it." So that happened yesterday, but then I waited all day again today to finally take my heart meds and when I put the portable pulse ox on my finger to check my pulse after I had gotten winded from walking around so much and helping my mom lug stuff in, my heart rate was fluctuating between 95 and 110 and that's when he decided to put me on the monitor again, waiting for my heart rate to slow down like before. So I had to wear that thing for a while again, but eventually, it slowed down and he let me take it off.
Ugh! I've been depressed and feeling sick all day. I hope I didn't get cursed or something from watching nearly the whole Exorcist movie. Christian is trying to get me to stop eating fast food, being that it always seems to make my stomach sick but then. . .almost everything makes my stomach sick. Since I was hungry and there isn't really anything to eat here, I decided to try this place called Dickey's Barbecue Pit through Door Dash. It was alright, I give it a 7 out of 10. The mac & cheese side was nasty but they have good dinner rolls. They sent me friggin' Lays baked original chips instead of the Lays BBQ ones though like I ordered. Ugh! And I thought when I ordered the beef brisket to be chopped, they would actually chop it up into stringy pieces, not big pieces. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst either. It was just okay. And after eating that and one piece of pizza from the pizza Hut my mom brought, I wish I had just left well enough alone because my stomach isn't feeling so good right now, and Christian isn't too happy about me drinking soda instead of my water like I should be. That bitch hasn't shit in my bathroom yet today, but I have a feeling she might after eating that too. Ugh! Well, my mom will have to clean it, as usual.
I'm so thankful for Grant, my Grant, the army medic, the Leo to my Piper, for him, and the rest of my spiritual medical team taking care of me. I just hope they're ready to be at the top of their game when I go to get my wisdom tooth out on November 9th. Christian & Dom already told me that the two of them will be in there with me, masked up and at my side when I'm put under. ;) And that they'll keep an eye on my vital signs when I'm out. Dom will probably be watching the dentist more to make sure that he's doing things right, looking over his shoulder like his supervisor. Lol! It's cute when I think about it. And the thought of being all hooked up again and my vitals being on display for all to see, especially my heart ( which I'm sure will be pounding ) makes me nervous but a little aroused too. I just pray my medical team gives me the courage to get through it, and are as watchful of me as Dom & Christian. Damon will probably want to go in with us too, but someone has to stay out in the waiting room with Hyde and keep him company. I want this damn thing out already. Every time I brush, my gums are so sensitive and they just start hurting, especially when I touch them, and Dom keeps telling me to go gentle on them because I showed him my upper gums near that tooth and he says that there's an abrasion, that I brushed them too hard and that's why they started bleeding. I can't help it though. I try to massage my gums with the toothbrush when it starts hurting but I guess that's not helping. Dom tells me to just "hang in there." I'm trying. And he is still egging me on to get that root canal done, especially today when he saw the pained effect eating watermelon had on my tooth, the sensitivity to cold.
I'm kinda proud of myself for finishing yet another book, not one I care for anymore being that I hate Colin, but I just finished Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin. It was okay -- 3 and a half stars. I do like how Rachel ended up with Dex though, but then I already knew the story after watching the movie first. There was just so much and too much of Darcy and it was annoying me. Kinda dragged in a few places, but anyway. . .I wish I'd started my Halloween scary story reading sooner. I wanted to be reading the Hocus Pocus sequel book by this time. I have to finish Gorgeous Gyno first though because the Hocus Pocus one is on my Kindle with that one. I've been reading that one for so long, but luckily I'm like 83% done so. . .yeah. And I'm going to go write my review on Goodreads now and hopefully start feeling better. I'm getting there anyway. Not emotionally but physically.
Damn it, as much as I hate Colin, I can't help but shake the feeling that I've truly been stabbed in the back, or more appropriately, the heart. I think that it's officially over between us as client and life coach. If he wasn't ignoring me intentionally, he would've at least emailed me back by now, if only to confirm that he's not and that he's just busy. If he is ignoring me and he's pissed at me for some reason, don't you think he should have the common decency to explain himself? To explain what I did wrong? If only to give me something to ruminate about and consider changing about myself so I don't make the same mistake again? I mean, that seems more his style, right? All I can do is pray to God for some kind of sign. It's just so hard to believe that he could truly and honestly be this cruel. And if he is, then he must be a damn good actor to be able to put up this facade that made me believe that he was a good and decent person.
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