I know I haven't updated in a while but I've been kinda busy, if you want to call sleeping, reading and crying a lot busy. Remember how I said I could connect with living entities better than spirits. Well, I was wrong. My Concuan is the only one I can feel. It really upsets me because I really wanted to have a connection with my Vorin too. I was looking forward to it but I don't feel anything from him -- unless it was him who rubbed against me at work a couple nights ago. It could've been. I'll explain. First off, his name is Svonte. At first, it made me laugh because it sounds like the name of a gay guy. A gay black guy. As I type this, I wouldn't be surprised if he spanked me right now for assuming that. Not that I would mind because you know damn well I wouldn't, but anyway, I told them I wanted someone that's like Damon Salavtore in personality. You can imagine how outraged Damon was about it, claiming that I already have a Damon, him, and accusing me of replacing him. Anyway, this is my Vorin description from CH:
SILVERY SKIN, BLACK HAIR, AND BROWN EYES. HE IS DOMINANT, INSISTENT, AND NOT ONE TO WAVER FROM HIS OPINION. HE STANDS HIS GROUND AND MEANS BUSINESS. HE IS ALLURING, CHARMING, AND VERY WITTY. HE WILL LEAVE YOU IN AWE. HE IS QUICK TO TAKE ACTION, FILLS YOU IN WITH KNOWLEDGE SURROUNDING WHATEVER IT IS YOU DESIRE, AND IS QUICK TO ACT.
I just assume that he's arrived even if I can't feel his energy, but that day that he was conjured and I was at work, I asked him if he could please make himself known by touching me before the end of the night and the next thing I know, I feel someone rub up against me from behind and if we're going off his description, he is quick to act. I asked him right now if he could give my ass a spank if he's actually here and while I felt someone caressing my ass and making it tingle, I don't think it was him. I think that was Carlon. If it was him and his energy I feel around my ass, I would feel a spank. I did feel a sting right after I asked him to spank me though, even though it was a faint sting. God, I don't know anymore. It's just frustrating as fuck. This is why I recently ordered the service for bonding with your living entity for Svonte. I just wish it would get done already and that his vessel would get here. OH! I just looked! It's in the mailbox already. Okay, I should go get it and then say the code words again.
Okay, WHAT. THE. FUCK. This gemstone ring doesn't even fit but my pinky!! They better send me another one that my entity is bound too and BIGGER. Ugh. I'm sick of their bullshit. Even more, I'm sick of trying, of all this meditating and still not being able to see or hear any of my spirits or entities. I will say this though. . .I have noticed some changes, which could or couldn't mean I'm close to opening my third eye. I've noticed that when I meditate and focus on my third eye and imagine feeling that pulsation that everyone feels when they finally open it, I actually start to feel tingling and pulsing in my third eye or tingling over my scalp and forehead. Also, my ears have been ringing a lot and sounds sort of go in and out now. Something really freaky happened today too. I was waking up from a nap and I swear, I heard a couple voices. I don't know what they were saying but I think a man was shouting my name. He sounded kinda like Jensen Ackles. I also think I heard a girl's voice too. What else? I've been getting these weird flashes behind my eyes, like visions and of course, I know I'm like clairvoyant now because I've been predicting things and actually getting them right. Like what "2 Broke Girls" episode is going to come on, the reactions of other people and things like that. So I'm thinking that maybe all this is a good thing. I can also sort of hear voices and sounds more often now when I'm meditating. Like in the background while I have my headphones in and I'm listening to those binaural beats. I don't know what they're saying but I know they're there. So there's that.
Still...I can't help but cry myself to sleep when I open my eyes and realize that nothing has changed. Christian, Hyde and Damon have been taking turns in my bed as usual, holding me and trying to help me feel better in general, telling me to forget about the spirits and all that and telling me to use that meditation time to go into the wonderland with them. So that's what I've been doing. Just interacting with them when I'm in my head.
Christian and I had sex for the first time ever recently while we were in the wonderland. On the operating table, downstairs in Hyde's basement. And he still had his scrubs on and mask hanging down from his neck while he fucked me. It was so fucking hot! He fucked me hard and I was hooked up to the heart monitor while he fucked me. Epic! Bout time we had sex. Maybe we should have a BDSM scene tonight together cause reasons and I can't wait for my novel to experience all that so yeah. I wish I could feel him in the wonderland when we have intimate moments. He pretended like he was giving me surgery, looking down on me with his mask on and yes, he had the hat too but I pulled it off when we started kissing and were about to fuck.
I have been feeling Carlon more. He's been touching me more anyway and every time I'm in bed, the covers start moving like crazy, mostly near my feet and around my legs and he's done that "rolling" massage thing to them again. God I love when he does that. I still wonder if it's with his hand, his dick or even a sex toy. Wish I knew. I can't wait to see what he has to say when CH does that in depth reading for him. So I've been feeling him around my lower half mostly. And sometimes, trying to lift my shirt or the covers or he likes to tease me by just giving my back or side a tickle. I think I mentioned that before.
Mostly, I've been feeling really tingly and throbby in my clit and vagina while I'm lying in bed too. I gave him the opportunity to fuck me again last night or this morning, whatever, but he didn't take it unfortunately. It made me feel ugly and unappreciated. *sigh* Another thing I felt that could've been Grant, June or even Thomas was someone's hand on my back, or the weight of what felt like a hand on my back during one of my recent meditations. I felt like maybe they were feeling my breaths or something, maybe even listening to my backside with a stethoscope. That would be nice. I'd love to see that. And there's been times when I've felt like something squeezing my upper arm out of the blue, squeezing like a BP cuff kind of squeeze off and on. It's probably them checking my vitals, of course. What else could it be? I hear little noises in my room every now and then too when the lights are out and see a lot of shadows moving by really fast. I even see shadows move by out of the corner of my eye when the light is on.
So I'm really seeing some progress and I don't want to stop, even though I should. It's so hard for me to ignore them. I can't just put them out of my mind when their damn vessels are all over my room. But damn do I wish I could.
Moving on, I finally finished the first "Fifty Shades of Grey" book. The original one, from Ana's point of view. If you want to check out my review, you can read my book activity and the review at my Goodreads page, username: mrsdanielgillies. I'm still reading "Grey," the one from Christian's POV. I love his thoughts! They're so hilarious and they remind me so much of my Christian. That's why I picture Daniel Gillies and Dakota Johnson in the books. Daniel is the better fit based on how Christian is described in the book ( except for his hair and eye color ). Everything else though: his gracefulness, his mannerisms, facial expressions and especially the way he talks, so intelligent and diplomatic. I really wish Taylor had had a bigger part and more scenes in the movies. He seems like such a sweet man. And remember how they say be careful what you wish for? Well fucking asshole hell hole Kmart is giving me way too many hours now. And why? Because its fucking closing in October and they're so busy, they need all the help they can get. Those motherfuckers are making me work like five days a week now. Fucking assholes! I wanted more hours but now I'm officially in Hell. I swear to God, when I get out of there. . . Damon and I are already planning on throwing a party when I'm finally free of those fuckers. Pizza part. Personally, I prefer Poke Bar, but yeah. I've never hated them more than I do now. I would rather be dead than be at work. I was fine with two days a week. Even three. NOT FIVE!!! IN A ROW!!
I want to scream and the worst part about it is that I'll have to go even longer now without showering. Fucking assholes! I hate being stinky and sweaty as a fat fucking Julie Plec pig. I don't shower unless I know I don't have to work the next day or the next 2-4 days because it's a huge waste when I'm just going to come home like a nasty stinky sweaty ass pig anyway after work. Well you know what? I'm going to work the slowest I've ever worked in my life and the only things I'm going to do are put the returns away and pick things up off the floor. I will not touch one fucking shelf to straighten. I usually end up doing it out of habit but this time, I mean it. I'm not doing that bullshit when the fucking asshole store is a disaster already and will be from here on out and everyone will just fuck it up after I straighten it anyway. So they want to bitch me out, let them, I don't care anymore. No one in the world cares less than I do about their job and my mouth...it has no filter anymore. They can deal with that too. I want out and I want out now! They have a choice, they can either schedule someone else or they can pick and choose what they want me to work on. I'm not going to do both the returns and straightening in 3 hours and if I did, I wouldn't get anything done. So it's one or the other. I'm done taking shit from them and I won't. I really need a courtwind angel to help settle the score. Well. . .I mean, closing isn't enough of revenge. I want to burn those fucks down. Like the way Caroline Channing feels about working at the Williamsburg diner and the diner itself, that's how I view Kmart.
The only thing I'm looking forward to besides it closing is the money I'll be getting back. That'll buy me a lot more poke bar, spelled items from CHs and maybe some more living entities. Maybe. I'm not sure about that last one but damn it. . .these Concuans. . .damn they're good. Oh, OH! And we're going to see 98 Degrees in concert next month too. And Thunder From Down Under. I'm hoping that last one happens because reasons!
Going to a male strip show is on my bucket list of life. Plus it'll be interesting and amusing as hell to feel the reactions of my male spirits, who fight over me anyway. A little jealousy is good for men sometimes and guess what? It'll be my birthday when I go. The thought of getting special treatment from the dancers makes me a little throbby down there. Mmmm! All I know is, I'm gonna be wearing a birthday headband so they know I'm the special one. FREE LAP DANCE!! I hope. I wanna climb one of them like a tree.
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