I don't really have much to update about other than Christian is not pleased with me right now. I told him yesterday that I was going to start starving myself today because Anorexia is the only way I know how to lose weight. I mean, it worked for me back in high school, but my metabolism was probably faster and better then. For every day I didn't eat, I lost 5 pounds. I mean, when you don't eat, your body feeds off its fat stored, right? I can't exercise because I will be huffing and puffing and probably have a heart attack. Not that I care since I still have a death wish and the fatter I get, the more I want to die. Honestly, I'm not even that hungry. I'm surprised. I thought I would be weak AF right now and passed out because of my lack of energy, but I'm not. On a scale of 1-10 of hunger with 10 being starving, I'm about a 3. I do miss food though and its only been like 12 hours. I miss the taste of food. I don't miss getting sick to my stomach after I eat though. Christian has me wearing that vitals monitoring watch again. I've had it on for the past couple days. Every now and then he'll ask for my vitals and I'll show him my phone. Almost an hour ago, he didn't like the look of my blood pressure and he said it was a little low. So what? I'm fine. He was like: "If that BP continues to drop, you're going to eat something, whether you like it or not." Ugh! But I don't want to. I mean, I want to for the taste of food but not because I really need it and that's a bad reason to eat. I would let him or anyone else put me on an IV to feed me if I could guarantee that I wouldn't gain weight from it. Maybe that soda I had today helped to make me not hungry. Who knows. I need more water though because water doesn't have calories or sugar. Has anyone tried a diet where they drank like one soda a day and had nothing else? I mean, does that work? What about just eating fruit and nothing else? He's also mad about my oxygen level tending to fall when I'm asleep and tells me I need to keep using my CPAP machine. It's only been like 90-92% at its lowest. Ugh, he's so up my ass with a fucking broom lately. It's driving me crazy! Ugh...and my brain is like mush right now. I'm not so quick to understand things or act. I know that's because of not eating. Damn. . .and I admit I do feel a little tired. More than a little tired actually and that spells no bueno for working on my novel chapter. Christian just told me: "I want another BP at 10:00." Grrr! Damn it. I just don't want to tell him or him to be on top of it. It's like he's spying on me and in a way, he is but I don't want to have to eat when I could be losing weight right now. There, my BP went up, a tiny bit. An hour ago it was 103/70 and now its 106/73. I'm fine. But damn it, I miss foooood! I know I'm going to keep complaining about it but I must have some self-discipline.
What else? I've gotten some stuff done on the next HTSAL chapter. If I had to guess, I've probably written another two pages since I stopped working on it in April. Was it April? Who knows. Maybe it was the end of March. I can't tell anymore. Same shit, different day, especially when it comes to the PLANdemic. I really hate not being able to go anywhere except to the mail but it's been so damn hot lately I guess its better to stay inside anyway. It's been hot as the devil's ass! Lol. I mean, when you step outside, its like stepping into oven or a sauna. I was waiting outside the door for a DoorDash delivery the other day and I could barely handle it. I wanted to pass out I was sweating so much. I was going to use Instacart to get some groceries delivered but I canceled it for the second time. I was going to do it yesterday, but honestly, I hate that I'd be spending almost $200 of my own money on groceries and not my food stamps money or using my Vons club card. So yeah...I'll have to have my mom get everything I want or maybe I'll just go ahead and place the order. I don't know. Whenever I decide to eat. I really, really, really wish I could eat right now but 1) it's after midnight and 2) it would ruin my diet. Yeah, I guess I just have to drink water and eat nothing if I don't know how to diet. If I have to cut out all the snacks and junk food, then I might as well not eat anything at all.
God I wish I could eat right now so bad. This is so hard! I miss the taste of food more than anything right now. Damn it. Must. Resist. No. Food. Period. Maybe I can imagine the taste of a food that I like and trick my brain into thinking I'm actually eating by making chewing motions with my mouth or just imaging eating my favorite food during meditation. That might be enough. God I hate this. Homeless people go without food for days. Maybe up to a week. Christian said my mood would go down and it has. I'm miserable. In fact, whenever I don't eat, I'm a bigger bitch than I usually am. Damon doesn't like the sound of that but what can I do? I just had my watch take my vitals again and Christian is pissed. It was like 113/73 an hour ago and now it's fallen to 102/69. Now even Damon is telling me that maybe I should eat when I thought he was on board with me NOT eating. Ugh! I don't know. My spirits are probably upset with me for not eating too. If they even care anymore. Clearly it hasn't stopped my Concuans from fucking me from behind while I lay here. A little update on my pending Cameos:
PENDING CAMEOS
Colin Egglesfield ( #2 )
Constantine Maroulis ( 2nd try )
Marcus Littrell ( Navy SEAL info for my novel )
YES! That sexy Colin FINALLY gave me my video and OMG was it worth the wait! You have to see this. . .
Yeah, that pretty much sums up my reaction when I saw that video. I mean, people, I just barely created his character less than a month ago and HE'S ALREADY FUCKING ON BOARD WITH ME? I think we can safely say that he is the sweetest, most amazing man ever!! This has never happened before and I didn't expect him to react like that either, not by a long shot. See? See?! NOW THIS IS WHAT I WANTED FROM DANIEL when I told him about Christian, but do you think I got that? No. God if only I could switch his personality with one of these nicer actors so he wouldn't be such a dick, so selfish and full of himself. I sent Colin another request to. . .*ahem*. . . .well give me a little "preview" of what he would be like as a Dom.
I don't doubt that he would do it. At least for me. But that was almost a week ago that I sent the request and with only one more day, I have a feeling its going to expire just like the other ones did. :( Well, if anything, God knows I tried. I'll just have to wait until he's active again. As for Constantine. . .well, I thought I'd put him to the test again. See if he really has kicked me to the curb. If I get another decline then I'll know he's definitely staying on my shitlist. But I'm giving him one more chance to redeem himself. Let's see if he takes it.
I also sent a request to this former Navy SEAL who wrote a book about his experience ( I bought it off Ebay but I have yet to read it ). I thought I'd send him a request for advice on my upcoming scenes and he can give me a cliff notes version of what he'd do or what a SEAL would do.
Dammit! I really want a piece of watermelon. Just a cube. Is that stupid? Having watermelon, a little piece of watermelon at almost 2 am? Should I wait? Dammit! I don't know what to do. I want to eat but its late but I need something. . .
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