If I have nothing to update about, I don't update so that's why I haven't. I've been more depressed and lonely than usual. Not only because I haven't been getting much attention from Carlon or even at all from him, but also because more and more fucking whores keep entering that contest to win a date with Daniel Gillies. I wish they would just die and let me have one moment of true happiness in my life. I mean, Kat says that she and her friends are doing all they can to help me, but it's so hard to be positive, to have hope when I see my chances decreasing by the numbers. She tells me to visualize me winning every day for as long as I can, in detail, but I just don't feel like I'm going to get what I want. Think about it. When in my life have I ever gotten what I wanted most? When? I pray, I visualize, I keep putting more and more entries, but there's probably some other fucking cunt doing the exact same thing. Someone who wants to take my happiness away from me, more than likely one of those cum-guzzling role-playing whore stalkers on Tumblr. I know, I know, killing myself over this not happening is stupid, and my mom would say he's not worth my life, hell, even Buffy said it:
Especially one who blackballed me at the convention photo ops but damn it, no one but Christian knows how much this would mean to me. For one day, one lunch, I can pretend that I'm with Christian, a flesh and blood Christian Masters. My Daddy, my Dominant, my personal heart surgeon. I mean, yeah, he won't be in a suit and his personality sure as hell doesn't hold a candle to Christian, but he'd be there with me. . .in the flesh and I can pretend that I have it all. Just for an hour or two. Just typing this is making me cry because I want this, so bad, more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Okay. . .maybe I want to open my third eye and be published more but this is definitely in the top 3 of things that would bring me ultimate happiness. After all the pain and suffering and abuse I've be subjected to over the years, I deserve this. I hate that I'm crying about it and the contest isn't even over yet. Whatever happens, I'll cry anyway. That's inevitable. I was crying when I asked him that question at the convention and just having him looking at me.I just want this so bad. Please, heavenly Father, please. How does someone become positive when negativity is all I know? When its all I expect? I need to talk to my therapist. Again. I'll probably start crying when I bring this up again. Christian's like: "If it makes you feel any better, just think of all the people in this world who have it worse than you. Like these people who've just lost their homes. Just think of how much worse it could be." He means on the news because we're watching the news. Yeah, okay. Whatever.
So other than not getting any pleasure from Carlon, seeing the contest numbers increase and my chances decrease, I also tried to get a bunch of clothes and shoes on wish.com for like 75 cents each, but since I wasn't the first to have my order processed, I lost all 9 things. ALL OF THEM. Not even one fucking thing for that price. They should allow more than 1 person to get that bargain a day because it's not fucking fair. The shipping on this stuff alone is more expensive than the actual product. If they made shipping free, maybe they'd get more sales and more satisfied customers. Most of us don't have hundreds of dollars to spend. Christian's right. That's how they get you. The shipping. They refund you if you're not the first one to have their order processed but still. . .it really pisses me off. And yet. . .I'm still trying.
Not much else to say. I got so fucking pissed at the transport service on Tuesday, and so did my mom and Christian. Those motherfuckers were supposed to pick me up after my therapist appointment when I called them to activate my will call pick-up, but every time I tried to get through, the call was disconnected either after the first ring or after I pressed the button to request a ride. I swear to God, I was so fucking enraged and I had to try and find someone else to give me a ride home. I told my mom and she was able to leave work early but still, I had to wait like an hour for her to even get to leave. I swear. . .ugh! And my phone battery was low too so it's not like I could just whip it out and read my Kindle book. Christian and Dom didn't like that I was asking the receptionist for candy but fuck, they have it in a jar behind them. It's tempting. I got eye rolls and head shakes from both of them, I'll have you know but what do you expect? They both want me to abstain from eating candy (especially Dom, but that's expected because he's a fucking dentist) but fuck, its so damn tempting. I'm like: "It's okay, I'm giving Dom more work." Tehehe! They didn't find that amusing but whatever. I was so tired on Tuesday because, okay, Carlon attempted to pleasure me the night before but I'm the stupid one who stayed awake thinking he would follow through. He didn't, BTW. Sigh. Getting real sick of this shit. I want him to bring me to orgasm! And to give me attention all the time. See, this is why I would make a shitty girlfriend. I need to be loved and appreciated and showered with affection all the time. Is that so much to ask? I digress. So I laid down on Christian's lap for most of the time we spent in the waiting room so I could rest. I saw Eric, my former therapist and I said "hi" to him. He seemed happy to see me, and damn it, I started missing him. Damon being Damon just had to remind me that, hello, I hate his stupid face and voice and that's why I switched. Yeah, yeah. Well I can still look. . .and say "hi" to him. But yeah, he's right. I got annoyed and sick of his stupid face and voice. At least when my mom picked me up, she went to Dominoes and I got some cheesy bread, so that was good.
I slept for most of the day today and oh God am I loooving these dreams I keep having of Daniel, especially when they're Joel Goran dreams. Mmmm! Yeah baby. It was kinda weird. I was totally living out a "Saving Hope" episode of my own (and I didn't even have to use the code words before I fell asleep -- I just ended up there). So it started out with me walking with Maggie and this other girl (I don't remember who the other girl was) and we were talking and stuff and for some reason, the other girl was turned off by me, like she took offense to me for some reason, but then I started gushing about how hot Joel was and how much I loved him and then both Maggie and the other girl smiled and laughed and we became fast friends so they liked me.
Then we were like approaching the entrance to Hope Zion and Maggie was all looking upward because something caught her attention and when I looked up, there were all these doctors, like Zach and that other black guy nurse (or "murse") standing on the balcony and they were like shouting down at me angrily about something. Chanting something like protesters, something about my religion. I don't know. Like I said, it was weird.
The next thing I know, I'm walking into the ER and I'm hugging a medium-sized teddy bear and I'm just sitting there waiting for God knows what and I see like Dawn and Alex on the floor doing something like exercising right in the middle of the hallway. Lol. Alex gets up and starts to have like a panic attack or something is wrong with her because she puts her hand on her chest and looks distressed. Maggie comes and sits down next to me and I tell her I have A-Fib too and suddenly she reaches out and starts checking my pulse and then insists that I see someone about that and she like goes to help another patient or to find me a doctor and I'm left alone there with my teddy bear. I get up, I think to avoid Maggie or anyone making me get examined and I start walking around and I'm looking for something then I spot Shahir and ask him where the cafeteria is. He tells me its on the 3rd floor so I get on the elevator to go there. I get off on the floor and suddenly I'm in like a college building with classrooms and lecture halls and all that and I think I've taken a wrong turn so I just start to wander aimlessly and try to find the cafeteria. I'm like eating some crackers or something because I'm so hungry and this kid like sits down beside me and I ask him where the cafeteria is and he tells me its like in the 5th lecture hall or something so I get up and go there and as I walk in there, I see all these Joels (Daniel's) There's like 3 or 4 Joels sitting there like they're students and they're just like reading and stuff or talking to friends and I'm just overwhelmed by so much of his hotness and I'm like running past them all I'm so nervous. And I walk into this room where there's like a wooden box with like a video playing with him on it, Joel in a suit like he's all giving a commemorative speech.
Then I find myself back in the emergency room and my teddy bear is there but some kid has it. I tell him that its mine and I take it back and then I'm just sitting there and what do you know, Joel comes walking by and I go up to him and tell him I have a problem with my heels and I need him. He leads me over to the chairs in the waiting area and he sits down with me and I sit so that I can stretch my leg out and so he can examine my foot and he takes my foot and he's asking me about the pain and what kind of pain it is. I'm like telling him that it hurts when I put weight on it and he starts pressing several spots on my heel and immediately he finds the spot where it hurts the most and I cry out. It makes me flinch and wince and without even taking any images of my foot (like I would expect him to do first before making a diagnosis), he starts telling me that it's probably "this" or "that" and talking to me like its no big deal and that its asymptomatic and how there's no need for surgery unless such and such happens and then he'd go in and do something (I dont know what he said) to the bone. Then he like sort of says goodbye to me and disappears into this room. So because I'm outraged at him not doing more for me and because I want to prolong being near him, I go into the room he's in and he's like at this table writing on a chart so I go up to him and sit down next to him. He introduces me to some other girl that's there, claiming its his sister and I hug her for some reason then I sit back down and start telling him all this other stuff is wrong with me, like I'm feeling dizzy and I'm sweaty and trying to show him I feel faint and then he gets real worried and immediately takes action, stepping outside the door and calling for Maggie, insisting she get a gurney. And then I think my dream ended. DAMN IT. I really wanted him to be touching me all over after that and me to lay there and revel in it.
God I love these dreams of Daniel! I want more of them! He's like the celebrity I dream about most. I mean, sometimes I get Matt Bomer dreams too but mostly, it's Daniel. Hallelujah!
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