Why oh why do I still feel like I want to talk to Colin? Am I really that much of a masochist? Or is it just because riling up gorgeous men turns me on? Psychologically, this must be why I get so turned on by BDSM and being submissive. DAMN!! Like that one girl on The Real World: Hawaii, I forgot her name. I think it was Mya or something. She was like: "I'm a glutton for punishment, that's why I put up with it." Oh. My. God! I'm her! I'm Amaya! And the other guy in the show, the one that she was in a love/hate relationship with. . .his name was Colin too!!! Fuck my fucking mother! WTF is happening right now? How. . .is this possible? How did we come to this? We're the next Amaya & Colin or what? Her name even starts with an "A" and almost could be my name if you take out the other two. Fuck! This is creepy! So fucking creepy! And not in a good way. They didn't have a very good relationship from what I recall. She was a lot like me though and I always identified with her. It could just be a coincidence, right? But they always say that history repeats itself. Fuck. I'm not blonde with big boobs like she was, and Colin Egglesfield is way hotter than the Colin on that show but still...not a good sign. I don't mind having a love/hate relationship with Colin, which I'm starting to feel its shaping up to be, but at the same time, I don't even know if me and him can actually be friends. I mean, does he even consider me a friend? Or just a client? Based on his money-grubbing attitude, I'm assuming its the latter, but I would still ask him just to settle my curiosity. He would probably flippantly be like: "sure."
Why do I need to talk to him again? I could probably hold a conversation in my head with him not even having to be here because he's pretty damn predictable now with the things he says and his reactions. But I would still love to see his face again, looking back at mine. Face-to-face contact is the best. Too bad our lips can't touch. Damn! Shit, I'd be happy just to touch his hand or rub against him accidentally. He's probably a hypochondriac though, knowing him. Still, if we do end up being friends and he actually means it, I will probably be adding him to the page for "my guys." Damon was offended when I asked if he would be mad if I did that. Well, tough shit. I'm hovering between hate and like right now with him. Colin. Not Damon. Right now I'm 60% like and 40% hate. Lol! I make it sound like a relationship in The Sims. Lol! We're not in the red anymore. We're inching into the green, but I still can't forgive him for being an ass and mocking me as much as he did. Like when I told him that I would enter those writing contests but its just so much work and ugh! I went back to listen to the session again ( even though I really should stop listening to it and Damon keeps demanding that I stop because it's just going to make me feel like shit ) and these were Colin's exact words:
(in a mocking & whiny voice) "'Ugh, so hard, so hard, so much work. I just want everyone to just give it to me. I want people to just give me things. I want people to just publish my thing. Why don't they do that? So much work.' You gotta earn it. Who do you need to become in order for people to be like: 'Yes, I want to publish her.' If you can answer that, you will get your book published."
I really wish I would've said something else to him besides mumbling: "That's fucked up." Just go off on his ass! If he does that again with the mocking, I WILL say some shit. I don't have to take that and he was the one who said to stand up for myself, so I'm going to. He wants me to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be myself, well get ready, because if we talk again, you're going to meet the real Amy. And I don't take any bullshit, especially from a man. . .NONE! Well. . .unless he's my Dominant, but even then, I'd step out of line purposely so I can get a spanking. I would dare Colin to spank me if I knew he was down for it, but fuck, he didn't even know what the hell BDSM was. Gah! This man needs a crash course on the subject. So I recently asked the guys what their opinions are on Colin and this is what they said:
Christian: "I think he's a very wise and intelligent person, but its the mocking in his communication with you that he needs to work on omitting from his sessions. That was really juvenille and unnecessary. But other than that, I think that he could be good for you and help you get control of your life. And help you get to where you want to be in life."
Damon: "I think he's a fucking douche and you need to stay the hell away from him. Leave him to wallow in his little cesspool of hate. He needs his ass kicked."
Hyde: "I bloody fucking agree with Damon. He's a wanker! I bloody hate him!"
Dom: "I don't know much about him, but from what I've heard, it sounds like his head's in the right place. He might lay it on pretty thick, but sometimes. . ." (looks directly at me with that Dominant expression) "You have to be firm. You have to be cruel to be kind. Maybe he's what you need in your life."
So Hyde & Damon are on my side and ready to defend me, but not Dom & Christian? Unbelievable! It's their super Dominant side that sides with Colin, it has to be. Probably because they're the oldest and the ones here who actually carry out the discipline when it comes to me. Kat would probably agree with me. I asked my mom because I played the audio for her last night, and of course she took his side. For the most part anyway. I knew she would. I asked her today what her opinion of him is and she said: "He's a typical man." Pffft! Yeah, typical Aquarius man! And you know what their worst traits are?
Cold
Condescending
Overly Idealistic
Unpredictable
Self-righteousness
Hmmm...now who does that sound like to you?
I'm starting to think that maybe he was just in a bad mood that day we talked, because I sent him an email today asking about his 6-week course and whether we could do it in the 1 on 1 video sessions and he was actually nice in his responses. Shockingly. He said he hoped I was doing well. Even offering me a better way to pay for the course. I didn't like his idea about the group calls though because everyone knows I don't work well with others, especially groups. Never have, going all the way back to grade school when I was bullied and made fun of and cast out. So I turned that whole suggestion he made about the group calls down. You guys remember what happened in that other one. Yeah...no, thank you. Not again. But he was sweet about it. Picking out the best parts of what was said in his email, he was like:
No problem. I'm here to help you however you feel you want and need it.
I'm totally fine working with you one on one. :)
Feel free to book another session with me when you are ready!
Yeah, and after that, damn it. . .the temptation to spend that money for my name change on another video session with Colin is strong now. But I'm going to resist the temptation! I WILL RESIST! I need to get more money first so it doesn't put a huge dent in my saving. And also find a better program to record my screen. And then there's the fact that I still need time to think this over and decide if this is truly worth the time. If he is worth my time. Maybe if I wait long enough, he might actually reach out to me himself again just to check up on me. Maybe. It's better to give Aquarian men their space from what I hear. Make them miss you. I can do that. I can try to at least. Enough about Colin though! Enough! Let's move on. I'm done talking about him now.
Yesterday, I seemed to get a hell of a workout, inadvertently, when Damon and I went to the mail and damn was there a shitload of mail, I could barely carry it all, what with all my packages. I had like 7. Glad I took a bag but even that wasn't enough to hold them all. Its time likes this that I really wish my spirits or my Tulpas could give me an extra hand carrying stuff like mail or groceries or boxes. When I came back, I was huffing and puffing of course and Christian came into the kitchen, took my wrist, and checked my pulse. He's so sweet to worry. I'm starting to just get used to it though to where I don't say anything when he does it now. I just let him do it to give himself some peace of mind. I also finally got my mattress topper so I washed my sheets and put it on my bed yesterday, which also took a lot out of me, but OH. MY. GOD was it worth it! My bed feels like I'm sleeping on a cloud now. Heaven! Unfortunately, it doesn't change the sagging of the mattress, even if Christian was sweet enough to offer to let me sleep on his side of the bed. I like sleeping on the right though. That's where Hayley sleeps in "The Originals" and Elijah on the left. Plus, the left side is the side up against the wall so Christian might have to get up for me to get out. But yeah, I even went as far as to pull the bed away from the wall enough for me to squeeze in-between and make sure my sheets are tucked in and tight enough across the mattress so they don't start to bunch up and I have to keep pushing them toward the wall like I used to have to do. So I love my bed now and look forward to getting in it. Yay! I slept like a baby last night even though I woke up earlier than I should've, but after I ordered my IHOP, I eventually went back to sleep.
OMG! I was so pissed that I had to order my IHOP breakfast and juice twice just to get it delivered. The first guy was a dumbass and delivered to the wrong apartment building. I was so pissed because I haven't been eating much lately so you can imagine how much I was starving. Fortunately, I let DoorDash know and they had it redelivered for free. Despite how fucking hot it was, I went outside when the other dasher arrived just to made sure I could find her to get my order before she left because she was also having a hard time finding it. GOD!! It's not that hard to follow my fucking directions! I've been complimented on how good my directions are to follow. Not that many people have a problem with it. In fact, the majority don't! But every now and then, there's that ONE dumbass who doesn't know shit, has a shitty sense of direction and doesn't even speak much English. And I had to get a hold of the dasher person each time just to tell them to tell IHOP to put the damn toppings on the pancakes like I like them. If they hadn't disconnected their fucking restaurant phone, I could've told them that myself but who fucking knows! They better fix that shit! And today, I finally got my Prive Revaux anti-blue light reading glasses from QVC in the mail! I'm kinda sad that the black-rimmed ones don't fit my face as well as I thought they would, but the multi-colored (black, red & light blue) pair were the ones I really wanted and bought the set for anyway so I'm not that disappointed. Just a little. I mainly wanted the black ones so I could look like and pretend I'm Cosima in Orphan Black. And I would match Colin. :) Okay, sorry. Talking about Colin again. Bad Amy! But even though I have 20/20 vision, I got them in 0.5 magnification and honestly, OMG, I can't get over how cute I look in these frames. For some reason, wearing them makes me feel more confident, smart, and just ready to take on the world. I can't wait to model them for Colin. Oops. Sorry again. Lol! But I want him to see me in them. Even Damon and Christian love me in them. Damon says I look hot. Loooove it! I also noticed there's a big difference in my laptop screen if I wear these as opposed to the blue light. And the text seems clearer.
I'm going to go get ready for bed now. See ya guys!
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