First, let me start off by saying that my room is about 80% back to normal, no thanks to those assholes throwing my shit around and bunching it up ( my undergarments ) instead of placing it nice and neatly where it goes. Ugh! Fucking asshole pack-out people, or whoever the fuck they are. Men are so incompetent, they can never do anything right and then you gotta do it yourself. "Never send a man to do a woman's job." Ain't that the truth!! So I had to basically reorganize my dresser drawers of undergarments and sleep clothes and pants, and the worst of all, my books. Those fucks just basically shoved them on the shelves, one row in front of the other and mixing them all up so I had to sort them all and alphabetize them all over again by author and sweat my ass off in the process. I had to like change my clothes three times because of how much I was sweating, and not only was it taking a lot out of me but one of my electrodes kept coming off, probably because of all the sweat and my fat, and it just annoyed the fuck out of me. It's bad enough that wearing that fucking monitor caused my skin to be irritated by the electrodes, leaving little red bumps, burning and itching behind. I swear, my body hates everything I put in and on it. And Christian was getting on my case about the electrodes and telling me to stop and come over to him so he could put a fresh one on, but eventually, I just got so fed up, that I left the lead off and turned the damn device off entirely until I was done working on my room, which of course didn't sit well with Christian, insisting that I needed to be monitored, especially when I'm doing something strenuous. But I wouldn't hear of it so I just left the electrode, device and the lead off until I was done. Those other electrodes they sent me didn't work for shit either. They were supposed to keep my skin from being irritated because they were cloth, but they didn't stay on for shit. In fact, they were worse, so I don't know.
Okay, let me backtrack to before my stuff got put back in my room. I was sleeping on this air mattress that I had my mom buy for me with my card at Wal-Mart. I mean, it was okay. I guess. Not very comfortable but it could've been worse and nothing is better than my bed. Not even that couch in the living room, which I got tired of sleeping on because my mom snores and blows air out ( LOL! ) and sometimes Zoey makes dog grunts or whines in her sleep. Plus the seat is too narrow width wise. And plus we all know my mom can be a real bitch so I spent most of the time in my room hanging with Damon and Christian and them trying to cheer me up, crouching down on either side of the mattress and playing "hospital" with me or "trauma room" with me. I don't know what we call it. I just wanted them to cheer me up and pretend like I was a patient in their ER and them tending to me. And they were trying to comfort me and reassure me about me having to wear my holter monitor. But you know Damon, knowing my fetish, he teases me that I kind of like wearing it. Pfft. If it didn't irritate my skin and I didn't have to carry that fucking cell phone device everywhere with me, maybe but no, it's just a fucking hassle. It was weird being in my room without my stuff but it had great acoustics since it was hollow/echoing so when I sang, it sounded cool. Damon was like: "Sing more!" Lol. Like being in the shower I guess.
I was so relieved when I finally got to take that damn monitor off but it took a while to get all that nasty adhesive off. What the fuck happened to them sending the alcohol wipes to remove that shit? This one bitch from the monitor place said that you can't have any oils or other stuff on your skin, but fuck, they came with one of my past monitors. Why not this one? The adhesive comes off easier with the alcohol wipes and when I tried to use warm water, it just hurt my skin even more because it was already irritated so rubbing the towel against that spot made it even more sensitive and hurt like hell. Thankfully, it's off as of now and the irritation and redness is gone too. I knew it would be once I took those damn things off. But Christian, being the thorough heart surgeon that he is and the worry wart that he tends to be, wants me back on the monitor now, for at least another week if not two, even after I already sent it back. See, the day after I took off the monitor, I started to get palpitations. Just once and it was only for like a few seconds. Again, I think it was just my heart's way of reminding me that I needed to take my meds and that I was waiting too long. I seriously wanted to just leave it alone but Christian being the Dominant that he is made me call the damn BioTel heart place up and tell them what was going on and they recommended that I keep the monitor for a few more days since it was approaching the weekend and to put it back on in case I had anymore symptoms while they reached out to my doctor, but since it was my decision, I refused and this pissed Christian off, even though I didn't have anymore symptoms after that time. Well, least not until yesterday. I've been having chest pain under my left breast and sometimes it radiates to the upper part of my chest near my heart and the center, or it will cause the other area under my right breast to start hurting. And Christian got on my case about it and insisted I call the damn doctor's office again and let them know EVEN THOUGH I WAS READY TO JUST LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE AND SEE IF THEY CALLED ME INSTEAD. Nope, they never called so yeah, he made me call them. I didn't have a choice. When he says: "this is not a request, young lady" he means business and I told them about how I talked to the holter monitor place and how they were going to reach out to them about my symptoms and I told them my new symptoms and they said they would have the nurse practitioner call me and let me know what they wanted me to do or what the doctor wanted me to do. But of course, despite their "claim" that they take this stuff very seriously, they never called. Not yesterday like they said they would by the end of the day or today so. . .yeah, it's just me and Christian now, and Damon and my medical team. And I refuse to call them about it again because knowing them, those fucks will probably recommend I go to urgent care or the ER or call fucking 911.
Christian thinks its because of all the soda I drink because every time I've had a drink of some, the pain flares up. Damn! Just my luck. The one thing I love to drink and now I can't have anymore of it. He wants me to drink more water. Ugh! There's a reason I don't drink water. It doesn't taste like anything. I'll just go with juice or something. And he also wants me to bring my oxygen machine in my bedroom too so he can put me on it. He says I'll feel better with it on, but ugh, no, I don't want that damn tube in my nose again. I guess my fetish isn't really that big lately or in full swing. I'm just sick of being treated like a patient and a lab rat. Except. . .ahem. . .when I do other things. So yeah, I guess it's up to Christian and Damon and my medical team to take care of this problem for me now since my other doctors aren't taking it seriously or care to. Lying sacks of shit! If they ask me why didn't I get in touch with them, well you know. . .it didn't seem like you people gave a shit. So whatever. Depopulation agenda 2021. They want me to be a part of that. God I miss the days when doctors and nurses actually cared about people and saving lives. It's all about how many people they can kill these days and get paid for it so that the world will start to shrink. I don't think doctors and nurses ever cared except between the 20s and the 50s, which is why I got the good ones here with me in spirit with the exception of maybe Hayley (60s or 70s nurse) and Clara (2000 nurse). I go see my regular doctor, the damn foreigner, this Friday so I guess I can briefly bring it up to him but not go deep into detail about it. And then next week, I think I have my electrophysiologist appointment so I'll just tell him then and see if he gives a shit. Both of those appointments are follow-ups for the test results of my blood tests and for my holter monitor. I hate getting test results, especially blood test results. My holter monitor results will probably be normal or nothing out of the ordinary and then they'll just wave my symptoms off as nothing, as usual. But the chest pain isn't the only symptom if you count this phlegmy cough I've had for like two weeks or more. I've just been feeling really bad lately, physically, and I'm sick of feeling this way. Christian has been trying to get me to rest more and I've been sleeping more, sure, but still. . .the relief is only temporary. Seems like this chest pain is consistent. And even worse, Christian wants me to be monitored right now. He wants to put me on a monitor to watch my heart and have me on some oxygen, but I told him, I don't want to feel like a fucking patient right now. I'm so sick of feeling like one. Damon just asked me:
"What happened to your medical fetish?"
I still have it but right now, I'm just not in the mood to entertain their little hospital shit. I just want to climb into bed, curl up and be left alone to wallow in my misery. Or maybe have someone stroke my hair and my back reassuringly. That's all I want. And yes, I'm still having the chest pain right now. Not even taking Ibuprofen helped.
On Monday, because my mom had off from work, we went out a lot of places and I did a bunch of unnecessary shopping at Old Navy & The Gap. Christian was not happy about all the money I was spending on needless clothes, especially when I know I need to save for my name change. Well first we went to World Market and I got more of that mochi I love. Christian is still paranoid about me going into stores without a face diaper but fuck, I need to breathe and since no one asks for proof of having taken that poison shot, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I don't need the Cunt Dick Cocks permission to breathe again. Honestly, what do I have to live for anyway? Other than my writing. It's fun to break the rules even if there's a little voice in the back of my head that says to put the face diaper back on. I can't help but shop when there's 4th of July sales though. The night before, we could see fireworks just standing outside our house. They were a little obscured by the trees and some buildings but still, we went out there and stood there watching them around 9 at night. It doesn't really have the same impact though, not being closer and feeling that BOOM that rocks the ground and your insides. Dom doesn't like it when I buy candy of any kind but yeah, I had to. He's a dentist, of course he'll react like that. And I got more of that smoked Gouda spread. Sucks that they don't sell a bigger size because that shit is so good! So I just bought multiples. And I found this cute little white lucky cat figurine. It's tiny but it's still cute. OMG! They had these molar teeth that were magnets and I just had to show Dom and he smiled. He liked them. I'm totally using that in the story for something he would have in his office! He agreed that he would.
I joined the World Market rewards so I could get a discount on my entire purchase, and that wasn't the first of discounts I took advantage of because when I went to Old Navy and The Gap, they said I could save if I applied for a store credit card and of course since I haven't established any credit in my life, I knew they weren't going to give it to me anyway but I wanted the discount so. . .yeah, I did that. And Christian just put me on the damn nasal cannula because of my chest pain not going away so he did THAT. Damn it. He wants to put me on the monitor too but I told him that's where I draw the line. He says I can put that chest strap on that I used to use before and just let him look at the phone so he can watch my heart and he wants me to get in bed and take my medicine, he said:
"No use in exacerbating the problem."
So I'll finish this later.
Okay, that nap did nothing and while Christian putting me on the oxygen helped earlier when he was watching my heartbeat on his phone, my chest pain is back. Damn it. There is really something seriously wrong with me physically and I'm sick of feeling this way. I don't have COVID again, if that's what you think. As far as I know, I don't have a fever but my symptoms: Chest pain, headache, severe fatigue, cough. Ugh! They sound like COVID but they aren't. I know my body and this is NOT COVID again. Better not be. Seriously though, all I want to do is just stay in bed and sleep for a week. How am I supposed to get any writing done when all I can look forward to is my head meeting that pillow again? I had to go to bed earlier than usual last night because I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and I was just ready to drop. I didn't get to meditate and I had to skip brushing my teeth and flossing. Dom understood but still. . .I can't live like this anymore. I'm really considering cleaning my CPAP machine and using it again to see if it'll do anything, but maybe I just need to go through that bullshit sleep study again and see if they need to change my level so it actually works to energize me at least a little. I just don't want to have to fucking shower off that fucking gel on my scalp when I get home so I'll have to see if they can use something else to monitor my brainwaves. I'll tell my doctor and make sure he sends it to the right place not like the other doctor's office from before. So yeah, I feel like I'm sinking to the bottom of a very deep hole with how tired I am lately. I seriously need to get a handle on this. Like yesterday. Like years ago.
I'm watching Men In Black: International right now and despite Will Smith not being in it, I actually like it better than the Will Smith ones, and Chris Hemsworth is hot. I swear, I thought he was American this whole time and just putting on that accent for Thor. He's got a Heath Ledger thing going, that sexy Australian thing like when I fell for Heath in 10 Things I Hate About You except he's from Perth and Chris Hemsworth is from Melbourne. Damn those Australian men: Chris, Heath, Hugh Jackman, Keith Urban. . .why are they so hot and irresistible? Wait. . .is that Jenny Lind from The Greatest Showman? I think so. I knew I recognized her voice. It's the wig that's throwing me off. But why is he giving that little pawn guy away to this lady? He's supposed to be for Agent M. I loved their little banter and his loyalty to her. Tell me she's going to get her little pawn guy back. YAAAY! She did! They're so cute!
Anyway, back to what I was saying about our outing. We spent some time in Old Navy, like probably an hour. I was pissed they didn't have some of the shirts I was going to buy online. I love those island printed shirts or Hawaiian shirts, whatever they call them. I did buy like three camouflage shirts in three different colors (classic green and brown, a pink, coral, light blue and tan mix, and a dark grey/light grey mix) and some pineapple printed PJs, and another shirt that says "Stand For Freedom." Damon was like:
"What is it with you and camo lately?"
What? I like camo. Is that a crime? It's military-esque. Or something. And I like to show my respect for veterans like Dom. Now that I've seen Act of Valor and have been reading that Navy SEAL memoir. Like I said, I really shouldn't have bought all that but I did. . .*sigh* Have I told you how much I hate being outside in the heat when it's over 100 degrees? Yeah. So, I was already starving and gonna start being more of a bitch soon if I didn't eat so we went to Lane Bryant (which I didn't even know they had in that plaza) but fuck. . .$27-40 for a T-Shirt? Are they fucking kidding? I could've gotten two for $27 each but who would pay that much for a shirt? I'm so pissed they didn't have my size for this one I saw that said: "Always late." Lol! That's me. This is why I shop on ThredUp for Lane Bryant. Because it's cheaper, sometimes way cheaper. After Lane Bryant, we went to The Gap and were there for a little while. Christian was all sighing and saying:
"Please don't buy anymore shirts."
But the sales, like I said before, when there's a sale, I have to take advantage of it. At least I could try the shirts on and some camo shorts to see if they fit and if I liked the way they fit. I left three behind and got two others and the shorts. It was so funny and cute when we were walking around the store and some lady was there with her daughter who was like 5 years old and she called her "princess" and Christian & I exchanged a look and a smile. And then he said:
"I have a princess too, but she's currently spending way too much money."
He's so cute sometimes! Lol. I playfully "pffft" him. The other guys got a kick out of it though. After The Gap, we went to get something to eat. I got my Poke, which I ended up getting sick from when we went to Vons afterward and I had to leave my cart outside the restroom while I . . .relieved myself. I really need to give up the Poke, but I can't help it, it's so good. So yeah, I went to the market and got my sushi. The guy who makes the sushi was actually there this time. We usually go late at night and he's gone by then. I told him that and that I ate some sushi from Stater Bros but got sick and he was glad I liked his sushi better and thanked me for that. Lol! And despite wearing my ThredUp Sketcher shoes, my heels were killing me by the time I got home. Ugh! So I had to wait until the next day to shower because Christian just wanted me to take my shoes off and get in bed and rest.
There are a few other things I need to mention, like how my bitch ass cunt aunt is getting out of the hospital tomorrow and fucking coming back to make my life hell. Fucking bitch! God! Damon and I hate her so much and just wish she would've stayed there or gone her ass back to Florida, but being that my mom wanted to visit with her sorry ass and have her help her clean up ( don't know how much cleaning that bitch can do when she can barely move ), my life is going to be made hell by that cunt for like the next two weeks or more. I know it sounds bad but I really wish she had just died or something so I wouldn't have to deal with her fucking disgusting ass leaving her literal SHIT all over my nice, clean bathroom. I desperately want her to use the fucking bedside commode to shit or my mom's bathroom but of course that bitch refuses to play nurse maid and have to throw out her shit so of course I get to have all her feces all over my bathroom floor and toilet and my mom doesn't give a shit. Pardon the pun. I don't deserve to live like this. I might have to go to the bathroom outside like a dog for the next two weeks or more, or pee in a cup and then dump it in the toilet. Maybe I can make friends with the neighbors and use their bathroom instead. Unless the mobile home park has a public bathroom. I wonder if they do. If I had to use the bathroom outside like a dog, then that's just what I have to do. Better than sitting in someone else's feces and our fence should be high enough to at least hide me squatting down. Thanks for the vacation from her making my life hell, God, but now I want her shipped back to Florida. Please.
Which brings me to my new obsession. I was browsing Etsy the night before last and I stumbled upon all these people who actually write and mail personalized letters from your favorite characters to you. Like any character you want from TV or movies, sometimes books. I was like:
For less than $20 for most of them, that's a good deal so I sort of went a little overboard and have 13 coming to me. I swear, I didn't know anyone did this. I know they do fandom imagines all the time on Wattpad and Tumblr and stuff, but letters from characters? So fucking awesome!! They're even willing to do the research if they don't know a certain character or watch the show to know them so they can give an accurate portrayal. I'm getting letters from
Damon Salvatore ( x3 )
Elijah Mikaelson ( x3 )
Noel Crane ( Felicity )
Dom ( yes, my Dom )
Martin Whitley ( Prodigal Son )
Clint Barton/Hawkeye ( The Avengers )
Spike ( BuffyTVS )
Paul Dierden ( Orphan Black )
Dean Winchester ( Supernatural )
I don't know how well they will sound like the character but the people I've chosen to write them have good reviews, five stars, so I'm assuming it will be worth it. Of course I don't know why I bothered telling my mom about this. She never understands the value of the things I buy when they are from Etsy, but fuck, it's better than spending money on more books and clothes I don't need, right? Right. So she should just back off, I paid her back her money so this is my money, let me do whatever I want with it and if I'm spending it on something that makes me happy, I myself think that's a damn good investment, especially something so one of a kind that I will treasure forever and be able to read over and over again when I need a pick me up or just something to make me smile. In one of the Damon ones I requested and the Martin Whitley, I did mention how much I hated my aunt and how my life is hell right now because of her or about to be. Those will definitely cheer me up because I know both those characters will sympathize with me and go into their revenge/psycho-killer mindset to make me smile. I don't know how long its going to take for me to receive these letters and I hope they're at least two pages long. One page leaves me disappointed and wanting more. I figured I would test these people out to see which ones I like best as far as writing and characterization and then decide if I want to buy more. I understand if they need time to research and write them though so I will be patient. And I gotta admit, there's still a lot more letters from other characters I want, including my own. From TV, I want letters from: Neal Caffrey, Joel Goran, Nick Stokes, Xander Harris, Malcolm Bright, Klaus, Kol & Rebekah Mikaelson, and maybe Marcel Gerard. Maybe one from Marty McFly from Back To The Future too. I'll let you guys know how it goes and post the letters on here sometime.
One more thing, I've been having some really weird dreams lately. Last night was a biblical type of dream. I thought I was in hell instead of heaven because of all the flames and the sinking of the earth and God I hope that never happens. I don't want to go there. Please God don't send me there or another dream like that again. Send me to heaven instead. And I had some other dream where I was stranded outside my grandparents house after they died and no way to get home and my cousin, Leo, was there like selling shit or something. Like old cars or something. I remember driving myself there and then the car broke down or something or I couldn't drive anymore because I was afraid I'd get caught without a license and I kept trying to get a hold of my mom but the call dropped and then two of my other cousins showed up, Rachel and Roxanne and gave me a ride even though we were enemies at the time and Rachel was driving and my mom was trying to give her directions on the phone to get to our place but she kept losing sight of the road and it was really dark and then there was snow everywhere and a gap in the freeway up ahead that she had to jump and because her car was so small, she didn't make the jump and flew out of the car while it fell over the edge into the snow and I tried to pull her up to save her and then we had to dig out our car and try and get the snow off of it so we could continue on, but it was still really covered in ice. And I had this power to make the car bigger and it was just weird. Lol! It was like Christmas and I was like trying to get everyone in the Christmas spirit and Jaleel White was there. Weird. Another night, oh my God, I had another amazing dream about Christian where I became famous or something and was in this dream life dimension and I quickly became overwhelmed with all the demands of my people and assistants and felt like I was going to pass out and one of them was like: "Someone get Christian!" And then he like came out from the back office of wherever we were and came to my side, wrapping his arm around my waist and helping me to my feet and sort of telling everyone that he would take care of me and he took me to the back office where there was this big bed. And he closed the door and laid me down and told me to rest and put some music on for me, then was like trying to pamper me by rubbing my feet and serving me pizza in bed. It was sooo sweet! Unfortunately, my dream ended before I could see what else he had in store. Damn! I hate when that happens, don't you?
And now I must go to bed because I have to pee really bad and I'm hungry and Christian wants me to get some sleep because of my chest pain. He still wants me to put my oxygen back on but hell no! It's only going to make it hotter in here. No thank you! Don't know if I'll get to meditate this morning but I know Dom isn't going to let me get away with not brushing and flossing again. I am so going to hate that bitch ass whore being here later today. Kill me. Still didn't get any writing done today. Maybe tomorrow. Night!
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