Soon, I'll be homeless and alone

I don't know what to do right now but I have a feeling that I will be alone and without my mom pretty soon. I've been crying a lot today. My mom told me that she's been having chest pain

and shortness of breath when she moves around, fucking COVID symptoms and I can't help but feel that she doesn't have a lot of time left. She's not struggling to breathe yet but still. . .I pass by her bedroom and I see her hand on her chest and I hear her labored breathing when she moves around too much and I. . .I'm scared. I've been praying for her and my dad every night and even begging my medical spirits to take care of her over and over again but I don't have a good feeling about this. If worse comes to worse, I know that I'll be able to move in with my dad, but what if I lose him too? They both haven't been feeling well lately and I don't have anyone who will take me in if I lose them both. I'll be thoroughly and completely alone and it's not like there's a homeless shelter I can go to. There's as many people infected there as there are at hospitals. Honestly, if I lose them both, I don't want to live anymore. I won't have anything to live for. I'll purposely go and get myself infected so I can die too. Suicide would be my only option at that point. I don't have any friends who will take me, I don't have a boyfriend, I'll have no one. I'll lose all my stuff too because I won't be able to take it all with me, not when I'm out on the street. I'm crying again right now as I write this and I have a feeling that I'm going to be doing that for days. I really wish I had spent more time with my mom, God knows I tried but she was always so busy and never had time for me having two jobs. I want more than anything to sue Walmart for making her come in all the time. My dad says that it was her choice to keep going to work not theirs but they still need to pay. They're going to pay. Somehow, someway. I'm glad someone is already suing them but they need to be sued more so that they go under and hopefully her managers die. My mom called her store and told the manager (who I guess is a nurse practitioner or something) and she told her that maybe its just anxiety. I mean, I guess it could be, Chris has been getting sicker lately so maybe these symptoms are just her being worried about him. I don't know. I just can't lose her. Not now. She says she's going to call her doctor tomorrow but I need her to get tested, and maybe take that new medicine they have to combat this.

I've been on the verge of having a panic attack all day not to mention crying on and off. Christian has been trying to soothe me, telling me to breathe and trying to keep me from having that panic attack and so far its working but. . .I just don't know how long I can deal with this. Kat and I are thinking of moving in together once our parents are gone and I really hope to God that she actually keeps her word (she's not very good at that). What am I going to do without my mom? And then, without my dad? No one will take me in. It's not like I can just get myself a place of my own. I have no money. No credit. I can't even drive. That's why the only thing left for me would be suicide. You have no idea how much I wish Christian or any of my Tulpas were flesh and blood right now. Chrisitan would gladly take me in. He has more than enough room in his Beverly Hills mansion. Damon has a beach house in Malibu. Hyde and Dom also have mansions. I would never want for anything if they could take me in. I know that that's just fantasy but if it weren't. . .I would probably be able to live and long and happy life. I keep thinking about all those stories I've heard on the news about people who've lost someone in their family not knowing that they had COVID-19 and then the next day, they find them dead in their bed and I just don't want that to happen with my mom. Now, more than ever, I need someone to talk to, but my therapist seems to be avoiding me and not returning my calls. I'd take any therapist right now to be honest but Sue knows more about me than anyone else at that Clearview place. Christian has been telling me all day that I need to talk to someone, telling me to call one of those crisis intervention lines and tell them what's going on. I'm considering it. I really am. What I really need to do is get that spirit box from the mailbox and ask my spirits what advice they have for me.

I don't have anything else to say right now but I'm pissed AF at Amazon for not staying true to their two-three day shipping policy because they're serving all these other assholes who are hoarding shit and panic buying medical supplies and other shit. They aren't important. I AM! "They don't matter! . . .In fact, in a few seconds they won't even BE matter." I tried to get a hold of them to cuss and bitch at them over chat or the phone but those fucks aren't even available for me to bitch at them. Figures. I'll definitely be canceling my Amazon Prime if this shit continues.

I'll keep you updated. Just please keep my mom and dad in your prayers.