So I guess you can see by the subject title. I honestly feel like killing myself for real. I'm so angry but more than that, I'm so broken. I've tried to put Christian in dozens of RPGs but they continually reject him and me and I feel like I'm dying inside. Like I can't breathe. Like I'm going to die of a broken heart. I don't understand. I try to be nice, I even offer to change him or get rid of certain things that might be offensive to others and still. . .I get denied. I don't understand. I wish I did but I don't. I'm being personally attacked no matter where I go or how much I try and give him a home where people will love him the way they do on Wattpad. I don't understand why no one wants him or loves him or even wants to give me a chance. What the fuck did I ever do to them? All I want to is to write Christian, to have him interact with other people for once, and just have fun. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?! IS IT?! I THINK NOT!! I mean maybe it's just the immaturity of the role players themselves who create these games but I have never, EVER known anyone to be so cruel. And it's not just one person. It's a bunch of people. How can this many people be so cruel? No, they aren't people. They are heartless asshole cunts who don't take other people's feelings into account. It just makes me never ever want to write again. Not even my own stories but everyone who reads my stories loves Christian. Maybe it's not him at all. Maybe they are taking their hatred for me out on my character. Maybe they remember me from years ago and they are purposely denying me because of rumors that other assholes have spread about me in the role playing world. I've come to learn how truly childish that world is. After all these years, they've only become more heartless and cruel, definitely cliquey. God its so hard to breathe right now. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like taking my own life but Christian is not going to let me. I'm so sick of everything. I'm sick of everyone. I'm sick of doing the same shit all the time, of being stuck, of not getting anywhere in life. Everyone tells me that I have to go out there, leave the house even and make it happen, that it's not just going to fall into my lap but I'm too afraid that I'll fail, that it'll only lead to more rejection and pain.
Lately, I've been thinking about how awful my life is and the older I get, the worse it gets. I'm running out of time in life and at this point, all I want is to be at peace. Dead. Free. At peace. I want to die under other circumstances so that I can still possibly be with my grandparents in Heaven. I've actually even contemplated not taking my meds anymore. Any of my meds. Letting my heart go into a deadly rhythm, but unless I can guarantee that my actions will lead to death, I don't just want to end up having a stroke or heart attack or something. I mean, you can die from a heart attack sure, but I want instantaneous death. Or even to go peacefully in my sleep. That would be the best way. I'm praying that God will finally decide to end my suffering and my misery and just up and take me out of this world. I'm hoping that I'll die before I make it to 40. I just want this life over with. I want to be free of suffering and pain and away from everything and everyone. If I'm never going to get my dream and I'm never going to be published, I have no reason to go on living. I imagine that when I do die, I'll finally be able to interact with all my spirits. I'll finally be able to see them, hear them and touch them in my own spirit form. That would be incredible. Then Grant and I could be together forever, our souls will be together and I wouldn't need anything else. Just him, and the rest of my spirits of course. As long as I'm surrounded by them when my soul leaves my body, that's all I care about.
This sounds stupid and I know that there will be people all over fucking Tumblr laughing at me, but I've actually thought about role playing with Christian via my personal blog and his blog. You know? Writing paragraphs back and forth to each other like a scene but with gifs attached to each response? I know, in a way, it's "self-role playing" but it's better than nothing. And I can link my readers to the little gif scenes in case they want to read them. I wish there was another platform where I could do that but other than here and maybe Commaful, I don't know anywhere else. And Wattpad never lets you use nearly enough gifs in your chapters. Maybe I'll keep looking for another platform where I can use gifs and have multiple blogs. I don't know if such a thing exists but I'm still going to look. And I can't find anything like Commaful or Tumblr. And that whole role playing with Christian isn't going to work either. I'd have to keep logging out and logging back in to cut our posts. I don't understand why those fucking heartless assholes at that RPG won't give me a reason as to why they rejected me. I'm sure by now they've probably blocked me for trying to keep talking to them and I'm actually tempted to self-harm myself. I know, I shouldn't but I feel like cutting myself in some way is the only way to make this pain go away.
Christian keeps telling me "no" and that they are not worth it, and reminding me over and over again that role playing is not going to get me published. He says it might be fun for me but it will not end well no matter how I look at it. Damon wants to kill them all and God I wish more than anything that he would. All I want is for someone to accept me and my characters for who they are, flaws and secrets and all. That game that rejected me was even based on the town's people having secrets. There has to be a logical explanation for this and its making me more upset that I don't know what it is. I wish more than anything that I had listened to Christian from the start when he insisted I stay away from Tumblr but no, I just had to go back to the one thing that nearly made me commit suicide in the past. He said he was keeping me away from it for my own good, that all he wanted was to see me happy and that was not going to make me happy, that it was only going to end up hurting me like it did before. And he was right. Damn it he was right. I didn't want to believe it could happen again but it did.
I'm telling Christian to make the pain stop and he says "I'm trying but you have to be willing to let me. You have to do what I say and stay committed to it. You can fight this." I can't. He says I can but I can't. It hurts too much. I can barely breathe. He says I have to do what he says. . . if I want to heal. I don't want to heal, I want to die. He says: "No, that is not the answer." Well I think it is. When I'm done with this novel, I'm done with it all. I'm quitting. It's just not fun or worth it to me anymore. It's not going to make things better. All those cunts on Tumblr have made me hate writing. It's a wasted effort. Kat always tells me that she believes I'm actually a powerful witch. I just have to tap into my power. . .or something like that. Well if I'm such a powerful witch, why can't I have the power to kill all those who oppose and reject me? No one should be allowed to hurt me and get away with it.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Remember kiddo?"
Yeah, I know, Damon, but they still need to suffer endlessly for the way they're making me suffer. They shouldn't be allowed to hurt people this way, especially people they don't even know. I hope the COVID karma Gods come along and take them out one by one, or some other disease even more deadly.
"Trust me, kiddo, if I had the power to make them dead, they would be already."
That would be nice. You and Hyde both. He says I need a trip to the wonderland where all of them (him, Christian, Dom and Hyde) can surround me with all the love in the world. That sounds good right about now. Any escape sounds good right about now. I wish I could dig a hole in the ground or have a bunker or something underground and just stay there and never come out again. So I'm going to crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep, pray for death and all that and maybe tomorrow/later today start on my Suicidal Thoughts workbook. See if it helps any.
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