Sigh. So I'm still waiting for my 3rd video from Daddy. I use that gif because I think it's most accurate for how he probably feels right now and how I feel. I'm really trying to have faith and be positive like Kat tells me to and has been telling me to, but I just can't help but worry that he might reject me again despite me mentioning that he eases my anxiety and depression or he might just wait until the request expires and not answer it at all. I fucking hate him just thinking about it coming down to that and then my inner Goddess is all having a tantrum and wanting to bug him again. God, the things I do for this man. My mom doesn't think it's or even he's worth it and neither do Christian or Damon. Yeah, I told my mom about the second one. I haven't shown her yet but no way in hell am I telling her about the third one. Then she really will have another heart attack. I'm not even in the mood to show the second video to her until I know what's happening with the third. This is way too much stress. I need it. I need him like the air I breathe. Christian knows that this makes me happy and he wants to see me happy and everything, but he told me today that I have to stop, that I just can't be throwing away another $250 every time I get paid all because I want a video from him. That I have to curb my urges and just take a giant step back, at least until my birthday like I promised. I don't know that I can do that and I'm still pissed at about him not even making me a video where he uses his Elijah voice the whole time. That's all I want. I'll be satisfied with that. I just want him to talk to me in that voice. Is that really so much to ask to make my year better? I think not. I'm going to try again in the future and put emphasis on the fact that that's all I want because I love Elijah's voice so much and I just want to hear it again, being directed at me of course. I would modify my order to that but I know if I do, I'm just going to get another decline from him. Yeah, I hate that they have the right to decline a request. More than that, I hate that you can only type 250 characters max to them. So I have to end up using "U" most of the time instead of "you" and remove the punctuation and "w/o" or "w/" instead of "without" or "with." How can I look on the bright side or be positive about this when I have no luck whatsoever? It's just not possible. I'm praying though and Kat is sending me good manifestation vibes. Pfft. Might work for her but it never worked for me when I tried to win that fucking contest back in FEBRUARY! Ugh, I just fucking know him. He's not going to do the Elijah voice, not in the next video and I don't know if even in the future. I'm like Glory from "Buffy" right now wanting to pull my hair out: "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOOOOU!" If I had the gif, I'd use it. Besides, if I change it, he would probably assume that's all I want from him and he. . .well in a way, it is, but it would be nice to see if he did it in the next video as a little surprise, maybe at the ending like he did before but COME ON, give me more than just one sentence in Elijah's voice. Hell, like I told him, he could even say my name in Elijah's voice and I'd be satisfied with that. GOD!!! I HATE THIS. Daniel. . .if you're out there. . .
Maybe I should just go take that shower, COLD shower with Damon, maybe have a little cry when I'm in there. What I could really go for right now is a punching bag. Christian keeps reassuring me: "Sweetheart, don't worry. It's coming. Just give him time." Time? What if he never does Elijah for me? God I need his Elijah voice more than anything and I need it to me in a video. My current Cameo update:
CAMEOS RECEIVED
Daddy Gillies ( on 6/23 )
Daddy Gillies ( on 6/24 )
Jonathan Kite
Tom Lenk
Shawn Killinger
Karan Ashley
Lochlyn Munro
Christopher Gorham
April & Phil Margera
Nick Groff
CAMEOS PENDING
David Lascher
Hal Sparks
Wesley Jonathan
Andrew Lees ( 2nd try )
Marsha Thompson
Colin Egglesfield
Samantha Harris
Daddy Gillies ( 3rd )
CAMEOS EXPIRED
French Stewart
Andrew Lees ( 1st )
I'm really pissed about French Stewart because I did it for my mom too and I have a feeling Andrew is going to be too busy again to do my Cameo. He was nice enough to send me a message two days ago though in which he said:
Hi Amy, sorry the last few days have been hectic, please rebook and I’ll get it done ASAP! Add any extra details you may want! X
Seems like a sweet guy! You know, despite killing one half of my OTP, but I know that was mostly that piggy Julie's fault and doing. I hope he delivers. I need to see that apology to Klaus for Cami and to the shippers. And I know, I don't know even who Colin Egglesfield is, technically, but I've seen him around IG and he's hot so that was enough for me to want one from him and use the Daniel question on him that I used at the San Francisco convention about whether he would ever play a character like Christian Grey or rather, a Dominant? Also, watching his other Cameo videos to people, he seems really wise and personable so. . .there's that too. I feel like I need to add two more to that pending list, but I'm starting to get pissed as hell at these things, not knowing if some celebrities will reply or not and then having to wait in anticipation. Ugh! I just can't. I don't think I'm going to even bother anymore. Unless. . .well nevermind. I'm still waiting on Jack Osbourne, Ed Quinn and Claire Holt to come back. Pleeeeease! Come baaaaaaaack! I get that Jack & Ed are busy though with their shows but still. . .
So what else did I want to update about? Well, my Concuans are making me feel like I don't matter again. They aren't around much anymore and that just makes me more depressed and suicidal. I really don't even feel like showering tonight like I was going to. Just too depressed. Let me stay nasty. I don't care. I know I sound like a broken record right now, but the fact that Daniel might never do Elijah's voice for me TO me on video is depressing me the most. Doesn't he want to make me happy? Doesn't he care about his fans? It's not like anyone else has to see it. If I could spare another $250. . .well yeah, maybe I should just wait. I don't have my next pay yet. How do you beg someone via message to do something that will make you so happy in 250 characters? Is it possible? Maybe Kat can help me with that. $1 for every character. Ha. Damn this man. Why? Why did I have to discover him through that one ugly role-playing hoe on Tumblr? It's ruined me. I wasn't as even obsessed with my previous guys this much. Not JC, not Shane, not even Julian and hey, Julian would've done this sort of thing for me no questions asked. Then I think to myself if I hadn't discovered Daniel. . .there'd be no Christian. I wouldn't have such an amazing man in my life taking care of me. Could that have been the reason I was meant to discover Daniel Gillies' existence?
10:30 PM now and still nothing. Nothing from Daddy. Nothing from any other celebrities. God I want to kill myself. Fucking Cameo! Fucking videos! Fucking celebrities! I'm torn between going to get the mail with Damon, falling asleep in front of my laptop, or showering. Nobody looooves me, it's true. . .Christian is still being his regular self, checking me before I go to bed although I've been trying to get out of the heart and lung check-ups and I've succeeded a couple times, and he checks my pulse ox now too. With the PLANdemic, I've been feeling more anxious than usual and he and Damon have had to put me on some oxygen a few times because I get so panicky that I get short of breath. I don't like using it but they won't let me refuse. One of them tucks that stupid cannula into my nostrils before I can even open my mouth to refuse. Christian even reaches out and takes my wrist to check my pulse now when he thinks I've overworked myself or notices I'm out of breath. He still hates it when I...ahem...pleasure myself and my heart rate skyrockets. As soon as I reach orgasm, he pulls out his stethoscope and it goes right to my chest so he can check on my heart. Bless him.
I'm already falling asleep now so maybe I'll just shower tomorrow.
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