Well. . .I'm sure by the looks of my gif, you can all figure out what happened with that fucking
Propeller Daniel Gillies V-Day contest. Both the universe and God led me on for months, sending me sign after sign, making me believe that what I was manifesting was actually on its way and for what? Only to royally fuck me over when the time came for them to pick a winner, despite having close to 8,600 entries. They fucked me over and gave it to some other fucking cunt ass bitch whore from NC, named Kathryn. Tempted as I am to go to Propeller's Twitter to see what this undeserving whore looks like, I'm resisting the urge, for fear I'll go out and commit a murder. Or even make death threats to her ass on social media or something. Kat is attempting to help me track him down so I can rightfully get to be with him on V-Day. I need to let him know how hard I worked my ass off for this, how much being with him for one day would mean to me considering the 35 years of hell and abuse I've suffered and how unlucky I've become ( even despite trying to change that with gemstones, spirits, and witchcraft ) He needs to know how depressed and suicidal I am because of this, how much I love him, would've done anything for him, worshipped the ground he walked on, what I wanted to share with him, everything I wanted to tell him.
I can't tell how broken I was when I found out I lost, after all my hard work for months, night and day, and all the signs from my tarot spreads, angels and the universe that were leading me to believe without a fraction of a doubt that I was rightfully winning. I seriously cried for like 2-3 straight because of this. I was so depressed and suicidal, I didn't go out or talk to anyone. I just stayed in my room, crying on and off and sleeping. I even stopped taking my heart medication for a day or so, almost two days, because I was intent on dying. I was hoping that doing that would kill me. Send me into cardiac arrest and then eventually, I would die and I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I still want to do that. I can't take any more pain and suffering and lack of luck. I deserve my Daddy. I deserved this more than anyone in the world. Christian thinks so. Damon thinks so. Even Kat and my therapist. But because of some stupid fucking random computer generator, this cunt ass whore Kathryn won. I WILL KILL YOU. No one takes my Daddy away from me and gets away with it. I intend on hexing her and I will. Part of me wants to hex Daniel too, but I don't know. I might feel bad about it later.
All my sobbing and sleeping wasn't the only thing I did. I even. . .stopped talking to Christian for almost two days. I just couldn't look at him anymore without thinking of Daniel. I went as far as to tell him to "stay the hell away from me," that I never wanted to see him again. I knew in my heart that would crush him, but somehow, the words just ended up coming out and I felt no remorse in saying them. I just didn't want him around me anymore. It hurt too much. A constant reminder that I wasn't going to be with my Daddy on V-Day. I took my pictures of him and me down from the wall, I removed my matching bracelet and that was that. I'm not surprised that he nearly drank himself into another coma and considering what is currently happening in my novel, the irony isn't lost on me. Dom & Hyde had to stay with him in the wonderland to make sure he didn't actually fall into a coma, Dom helping him ( probably the same way he did in the novel ). So it was just Damon and I, and him trying his best to do everything in his power to make me feel better. Bless his heart. We put our bickering aside and I relied on him to take care of me and tuck me into bed, which he was more than happy to do. And yet, he and Hyde kept insisting that I make up with Christian. But I just couldn't do it. Even when he came back and tried to get me to talk to him, I ignored him.
That same day that he tried to get me to talk to him, I went to the market and I got a shitload of groceries and even though the Lyft driver helped me carry all the bags to the door, by the time I put them down, I was sweating bullets, my heart was hammering and I could hardly breathe. Needless to say, the rest of the guys called Christian for help and he came running, instantly sitting me down and pressing his fingers to my neck, insisting that I was tachycardic and when he found out that I hadn't taken my heart medication in over a day, you can imagine how infuriated he was, quickly demanding that I take them right then and there. He wouldn't hear of a debate or argument, but since I could hardly breathe to begin with, I just gave in and took the meds, knowing I didn't have much of a choice anyway. Even though I had to put away my groceries, he wouldn't let me up from my chair until I rested a while and my heart rate started to come down. He stood there leaning against the counter waiting, lecturing me and insisting this is the reason why I'm on those meds. I tried to apologize to him, but he just hushed me and told me not to talk. He said I could make it up to him by going back to taking the medication. He eventually took my wrist and checked my pulse again. I kept insisting that I needed to put the groceries away even though he wanted me to go to my room and lie down to rest. Reluctantly, he decided I was well enough to get up and do it but after that, it was straight into my bed for rest. Resting my heart. Needless to say, we made up after that and I apologized again for how I was to him before.
So even though I'm still depressed AF and wanting to kill that undeserving bitch every time I think about it ( and I think about it A LOT ), things are back to normal. Basically. I still get heart checks from Christian twice a day, and he's been bugging me right now about getting a listen since I missed my checkup this morning, but I told him I'm busy. Damon's like: "let him have a listen to you, kiddo." He's been calling my heart my "ticker" lately. Ugh! So stupid. He'll come into the room like: "So. . .how's her ticker?" And Christian is still making me hot whenever he's done examining me and he's like: "Beaaautiful. You sound amazing, sweetheart." *facepalm* And he did it again! Along with Damon saying: "She has amazing lungs." And Christian agreeing like: "She does."
Other than that, I don't really have much to report. I've gotten hooked to The Sims 4 again. I forgot how much it tends to waste my hours away in the day. I really wish I hadn't lost everything when my computer broke, but at least it didn't delete my redemption of the expansion packs on Origin. I just have to remake all my damn Sims and rebuild Christian's house. It's so tedious and takes forever. Yesterday I spent all day making Sims and I'm such a perfectionist. Fortunately, I think I've made one that looks exactly like Daniel so...WHAT WHAAAT! I know it's not going to make up for what I lost, no way in hell, but. . .at least I can watch him do his thing in the game. I can't wait for him to fuck the shit out of my Sim with the wicked whims mod. And maybe do some BDSM things to me. For his sleep clothes, I put a stethoscope over his shoulders since he always checks me before he goes to bed. ;) I made one of Courtney (my Lyndsy Fonseca) and now I'm struggling to make my Dom Sim look like Dylan Bruce. Dammit. I'm close to giving up. Some people are just so hard to create due to the limitations in CAS. Like him, Joseph Morgan. . .for the most part. Even with custom content. Yesterday I was picking out Courtney's sleepwear and all of a sudden, she had a red paddle in her hands. I'm like: "WTF?" She would never. Why the hell did that show up? To her, the act of BDSM is degrading to women. Feminist that she is. Fortunately, with the Tray Importer program, I was able to identify where it was in my content and the CAS category and remove it. Only Christian or Dom should be holding a paddle. I've also been watching Buffy reruns with my spirits. They really like Buffy so I'm watching it back to back through Hulu. A rewatch for me. I still have to show them the first season ( even though I didn't like that one but like 2 episodes ) and the first half of the 2nd. We're in the middle of season 5 now. My favorite season with my favorite villain, Glory. I tell them what my favorite episodes are before they start. It's funny, I mentioned the stuntwoman and I heard someone in my head say: "What's a stuntwoman?" Heh heh.
Oh my God, I'm so happy that Zoe finally came into my room and laid on my floor cushion since my mom and Chris went to church, but the best thing about it was, my spirits, probably the children, started playing with her. I know because I saw her following something back and forth that I couldn't see and she's been looking around a lot too. Love it! It just made my day and gave me a little warmth in my heart. Dogs and children are the only ones who can see spirits and into the supernatural world because they're naturally inclined to be open to the world around them. I did tell the kids to play with her and a lot of spirits like playing with their keeper's pets.
That's about all I have to report now. You guys don't care to hear about my physical therapy even though I've been constantly avoiding going. Josh asshole doesn't even touch me or work with me anymore. I swear. Little punk ass bitch. Fucking tease. Fuck him and his whore girlfriend. I should just ignore his sorry ass the next time I'm there. I wanted to make a Sim of him but I don't have a better picture of him. I wanted to take one the day before yesterday but my other therapist Ashlie was all: "Noo." And I'm like: "Why not?" And she's all: "Because that's weird." Pffft! Fuck off. When I asked about whether I would get to work with him again, she said yeah but "just don't flirt with him." Pffft! Bitch. . .I'll flirt with him all I want. Just because he has a whore like Daniel once did, won't stop me, but it would be nice if he shut up about the bitch when I'm there. Next time he does that shit, I'm going to shut him up with some snide remark. I'll be like: "Can you just shut up about her for once?" Or "enough already, we're not interested in your love life." Ugh! Dick.
God, lately I've been getting tired so soon in the evening. It never used to be this way but lately, I haven't been able to meditate. I haven't meditated since the day of the contest drawing. By the time I usually meditate, I'm passed out already. I have no energy to do it anymore. By the time its midnight or 1 am, I'm already tired AF now. It sucks! I've even been skipping brushing and flossing and you can imagine Dom is pissed more than Christian. Sometimes I'm even too tired to let Christian give me my nightly heart check. Like last night. I just take my meds and then hit the pillow nowadays. And I feel bad for not doing the meditating anymore. My spirits deserve to have me progress.
And that's all for now.
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