Words can't express how much, how close I am to taking my own life right now. This has been one of the worst days I've had in a very long time. I'm so close to just downing a whole bottle of pills and drowning myself in the tub. Yeah, that's my suicide plan, but if there really IS a COVID virus, I'm thinking maybe I can just go out and get it and then slowly watch myself die, slowly watch my body attack itself, and my heart to finally stop once it starts eating the tissue of my heart and lungs. Or if I'm lucky, I'll die of a broken heart. Broken heart syndrome is a thing, right? I can always die from that. Either way, I just want to die, because there's nothing left for me here. Nothing left to make me happy. I know I shouldn't care, but I nearly lost Colin today, or maybe I already have. The verdict isn't out yet. After all my emails, he finally insisted that he can't work with me or coach me anymore and right now, I'm begging him to give me another chance. For what? For more heartache and pain? What am I doing? On top of that, its become so hard for me to sleep anymore because my bed is so old, the mattress doesn't offer support anymore, even with a pillow topper. I've had the mattress itself since like 2007, but I have no money for a new one. If I had a Christmas wish right now, that's what it would be. A new mattress, maybe then I can wake up and feel refreshed and happy. I know the latter is a stretch, but yeah, that's what I want most of all. A new mattress, well, that and a name change. That's what I need to be happy, a new mattress and a name change. And moving out would be nice too, but I know that's never going to happen if I don't have a job or money coming in. I wish I had a man, a Sugar Daddy who would take care of me and so that I would never want for anything more. And another thing that ruined my night was AJ getting voted off DWTS. I just hope to God that all those judges get COVID and die for favoring the fucking gay boy figure skater over AJ! I fucking knew it that when his ass went up against him, that he would lose. AJ DESERVED THE FUCKING TROPHY!! But at least I don't have to watch that annoying little bitch Skye Jackson anymore. It should've been her who got voted off. Fucking little bitch thinking she's Janet Jackson when her Paso tonight was boring as fuck. That bitch is such a child and she never should've been on there to begin with. She thinks she's it but she looks like a fucking skeleton whenever she's on the dance floor. I just want to die. I feel like I would be happier if I were dead. Colin would probably be relieved if I died.
I'm lying here curled up in bed crying off and on. I think one of my Concuans was trying to fuck me to make me feel better, but honestly, I don't think anything will. I feel like I've lost a part of myself like I've lost my best friend, even though Colin was never my friend and he kept telling me that over and over again. Its just like Mila Kunis said in "Friends With Benefits": "And with friends like you, who needs friends?" Christian has come to the side of the bed and is rubbing my back, trying to soothe me and doing that little "shh, shh, shh" and telling me that it'll be okay, but I really don't see it being okay. So much for being in that Panto show. And I will miss singing for Colin. I was hoping to sing "Never Enough" for him the next time I talked to him, and hopefully doing some reading from the "Fifty Shades of Grey" book or the script of "Red Eye." That would've been fun and it would've made me happy. If only temporarily. Damon keeps telling me that I'm better off, that I'm going to feel so much better now that he's out of my life, to wait and see. Even offering to bring me his head on a platter. He's sweet and he's been really trying to make me feel better, asking me if there's anything he can do for me or get me, telling me he's here if I need to talk. That he wishes he could get me a therapist to talk to. I wish I had one too but of course, I couldn't just come out and tell them I want to kill myself, even if it's pretty easy to do now if there really is a virus at all. I need the fucking office to tell my former therapists, Sue and/or Eric that I desperately need to see one of them and that I'm begging them to find time for me because I've been in so much emotional pain and they're the only ones who will be able to understand me. Sue, more so. I wish I could get that message to them and let them know how much I'm suffering emotionally without someone I can regularly talk to. I'm going to call them tomorrow and tell them. The fucking endodontist didn't call me back today either like they said they would when I called to ask them about the nitrous as an option during my root canal. I didn't go and get the surgery, just in case you're wondering. I hardly got any sleep last night/this morning because I was worried about it and because of my bed too. They said that I could take my regular medication and that it shouldn't be a problem, but that I'd have to call at the end of November to see when their next opening is for the oral surgeon in December. They said my approval from my insurance is good for a year so. . .I don't know. You can imagine how pissed Dom was, but Christian reluctantly understood and said to me, "as long as you're not in pain, that's all I care about." Aww!
I had the weirdest dream that I was another clone in Orphan Black and I was staying in this shelter like place with all the rest of the clones. We each had our own little cubicle. Like it was a really rundown building with all of the clones having their own little stations/desks. I hit it off with Allison and told her I also liked to scrapbook and arts and crafts and drawing. Then she asked about my parents and I was telling her how I suffered from domestic abuse, my mom and me and she seemed sad but sympathetic. Helena was there too, but she was like on the other side of the compound, far from Allison, and then some random girl came in and opened fire on the place and we all rushed to try and get out of there, crawling out of windows and stuff. We got split up to go to separate safe houses and I got sent to what I thought was Felix's place, but it was outside on a balcony with leather chairs and stuff and like drug stuff here and there. I was there with this other group of people, not clones, but they were like my age, one girl and like two guys, and either Mexican or Puerto Rican, and we soon found out that we were at Vic's place. Vic the dick. I commented that I wish we'd been at Paul's, that we should've gone to Paul's. Yeah, so I could get it on with him. ;)
I just feel like going straight to sleep tonight. I'm too depressed to stay up. I just want to be numb and unconscious and not feel anything. Meditate and get away from all this pain. The sooner I go to bed, the sooner I can wake up tomorrow and find out if this with you-know-who is really over. I need to know before I decide to go spending money on something better. Damon's been telling me to save the money and buy myself something nice, like more clothes or those dinner rolls from Dickey's. I was going to buy those today but all this happened and I didn't know what was happening with fucking you-know-who. Let's just call him "CE" from now on so I don't have to say his name anymore because the sound or sight of his name just makes me cringe and want to spit battery acid. I wish I knew how what the fuck we're doing tomorrow if we're doing any Zooming at all. I want some peace of mind so I can go back to writing and reading and listening to music without worrying about the fate of all this. Kat sent me an image today through text that I think raises a good point and has sort of stuck with me. It said:
Here's some advice it took me awhile to swallow. . .
Stop checking in on a person that doesn't check in on you. They don't care. You're wasting your time. Move on and find someone that will appreciate your concern.
Much as I hate to admit it. . .it's true. But I still wish I were dead. I wish my Concuan or both of them would hold me right now and be super affectionate with me to make me feel better. I really need someone to hold me right now while I cry and heal my heart. I'm not surprised that I've been getting chest pains all night because of the stress. Why can't I just fall asleep and never wake up? Is that so much to ask? Hasn't God put me through enough?
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