I know, I know, I haven't updated in weeks but when you hear the reason why, you'll understand. I really don't know if I'm going to survive/live another year. Either God hates me and is punishing me or I jinxed myself and this is karma. My mom told me a few days ago that she tested positive for COVID, and after crying off and on about it and the very real chance that I might not have her for much longer, now I think I've caught it too. In which case, both of us might as well start writing up our wills and saying our goodbyes. My friend, Kat, and everyone else I talk to insist that there's a 98.9% survival rate and that this is just a cold like illness that we'll both recover from, even if we have so many underlying conditions that could lead to death, but considering how much hell I've already been through in life and how much bad luck I have, and then of course how much God hates me, I doubt that's going to happen. Even if my mom recovers, I honestly don't think that I'm meant to live past 2021. But if I were to lose my mom, I wouldn't want to be living anymore anyway. It's only now that I realize how much to need her in my life and how much she means to me. All I want for Christmas is for both of us to recover, but if I lose her, then God better take me too because I refuse to stay alive if I don't have her. I've been bargaining with him telling him that if he lets her live, I will keep on living, stop being so negative and suicidal and change my ways, stop trolling and try to be a better person. I genuinely will! I swear I will. He can hold me to that promise. I want to believe that this is just His way of testing me and seeing how much I genuinely care about my mother, but I thought he already tested me when she had her heart attack. I don't deserve this as an added bonus. Every time I hear her cough getting worse and her coughing more persistently, I just can't help but start crying and fearing the worst. Kat tells me to stop thinking like that and manifesting bad shit, but I can't help it. I feel like its the end for us both, or at least me. Christian has been such a comfort, telling me: "She's going to be okay. She'll get through this. She'll recover. And so will you." He's constantly filling my mind with positive things and assuring me it'll all be okay and I appreciate him for that, even Damon is reassuring me. I don't know who to sue for this, fucking Walmart for making my mom work so much and getting this shit, or that asshole husband of hers who went to the hospital and those asshole doctors and nurses put him with the other COVID patients even though he was there for falling down. Figures it would probably be the latter. He DOES go to that hospital that nearly killed me once before by turning me away when I had an inflamed gallbladder. I call them the Dr. Kavorkian hospital. They are bad news! Yet another opportunity for me to press charges against them. I really could've gotten some good money at the time. I would've had a winning case, but I didn't get a chance to sue them.
It's so hard for me lately to even be in front of my computer or exposed to light of any kind. My head has not stopped pounding since yesterday and I've had some chest pain, sneezing and this sinus pressure, itchy and stuffy nose that has only made the pounding in my head worse. I have the dry cough, which Christian reminds me I've had for weeks, but it's not as consistent or congested ( yet ) and worst of all, I've lost my ability to taste and smell. I never thought I'd actually miss those two senses, but I do and I want them back now more than ever. I miss food. I miss the taste of food. I miss being able to smell things and I feel like I'll never get them back. Kat says I'll only be like this for two weeks, but what if two weeks turns into death and I never get to enjoy the taste of food or the smell of anything again? I mean, I'll lose weight but still. . .I don't see a point in eating anymore if I can't taste or smell so I've stopped. Unless I'm starving and then I just eat a little snack or something and drink water the rest of the time. Christian has been staying close and taking care of me, as usual, checking my pulse ox a few times a day and listening to my heart and lungs. I've tried taking Zyrtec and Ibuprofen but they didn't help much and I take two gummy vitamins every day that have A & D. I've been resting and sleeping a lot and Christian hasn't been letting me up out of bed unless I have to go to the bathroom. My head seems to feel a little better when I'm lying down or have it resting on something and its worse when it's not. Now I don't honestly know if this is a cold, or a sinus infection or fucking COVID. Little asshole virus I just want to fucking shred that little bitch and kill it and rip off every single one of its little bitch ass crown thingies! So help me God if I could get my hands on it, I would stab it and stab it and stab it and chop it up until it's nothing but dust. Thinking it can just latch on to people's cells and shit and eat their heart tissue and lung tissue. God, that's the last thing I need right now. My heart is already weak enough just moving around and its already hard for me to breathe everyday when I move around. I don't want that to get worse because of some little motherfucking virus. I don't want some fucking asshole virus to eat my heart or lung tissue. Is there any way you can kill an asshole virus with as much brutality as you can a person? The only way I would get tested for this bullshit is if it's a mouth swab or saliva test. If not, they can just FUCK OFF and shove their brain probing nose bleed swabs up their fucking ass!
So honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do. I know that stimulus money and unemployment isn't coming anymore but right now, my mom and I getting better is the only thing that I care about. Somehow, some way, I will finish my novel or die trying. I just want to live long enough to finish my "How To" series. I want to live long enough to taste again, to smell again. Fortunately, I'm like 97-98% done with my latest chapter of "How To Save A Life" so I'll at least get to post that one before the end of the year. I gotta get to finishing that book I'm reading: The Elements of a Home too. God, I really wish one of my spirits WAS a whitelighter like Leo from Charmed. Then Grant could heal me and my mom. Kat says that spirits can't do anything when its a bioweapon. Well that's bullshit! What good are they? Can my medical team even heal us or are they just prolonging the inevitable? "Stop it," Christian says. Well I can't help it. I brought them here for a reason, to take care of me and my mom when we need them. I'd like them to contribute by doing something, you know? My God. Maybe I'm just on my own in this. Like Christian, Dom and Damon are the only ones who can help me. Why do I even rely on my spirits for anything? I've seriously been considering just giving them away to other people. I just need to know who's ready to leave and then I have to make sure that they go to good homes with people that will actually give them attention, not another me, especially the children.
Least that Ibuprofen took my headache away for the time being. I'm taking that 800 mg dose that I was given by the endodontist for my toothache, but I'm going to need more. I might just have to end up calling the 24 nurse advice line, but I swear, if they tell me to go get tested, I'm gonna tell them to fuck off. That I'll only do the cheek swab or saliva test. So that's the drama that I've been having to deal with lately. I actually caved and bought two face diapers from Threadless.com. One of them I kinda wish I hadn't gotten because it has the Grim Reaper on it and it says: "Have a nice death." I was going to get a shirt like that a while back but now I hate myself for it. I did buy another one last night that's perfect. It's red and it says: "Welcome to HELL." Because we are in Hell. I think that'll be my favorite. God, all I want right now is to be able to smell and taste again. I can't even enjoy some pizza or anything. I'm definitely going to be losing a lot of weight from this but at least I'll leave a thin corpse, but damn it, I need to change my name before I die. I don't want that other name I hate on my Tombstone. I totally understand when people say that eating food was a sense of joy for them while they were in quarantine up until they lost their sense of taste and smell, and now everything tastes like cardboard. I know the feeling. I'm going through that right now. It's not even an experience anymore. Eating feels more like a job. Something I do just to keep my stomach from hurting with starvation and it's also made my depression worse like other people. If I can never smell or taste again, I might as well be dead. This is only going to make me even more suicidal. I mean, why go on living if you can't have those simple joys anymore? So add that to my list of things that make me suicidal. Goodbye food. Goodbye nice scents. We had some good times. :( I never thought that those Rally's fries I had the day before yesterday would be the last thing I'd ever taste but damn were they good. I might never regain my sense of taste or smell. I just read that. If that's the case, I really will kill myself. For the first time in my life, I finally find an opportunity for me to lose weight and I've never been more depressed because of it. Eating is depressing and I can't do it anymore. This truly is Hell. I'd take being able to eat and getting huge as fuck than never being able to taste food again.
Please just take me out of this world already.
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