Waste of time. . .but not everything

So going to the fucking gynecologist or rather "women's clinic" was a huge ass waste of time Thursday, just

like I suspected it would be, but of course, after all the canceling I did, this bitch insisted she couldn't do anything for me since they didn't do all that I needed to be done at that clinic. I mean, she said she was going to give me birth control pills, but for fuck's sakes! I'm already fat enough and that shit makes you gain weight. No fucking thank you! Even if they had the opposite effect, she said she would need to get authorization from my doctor anyway because of all my cardiac problems. She referred me back to that fucking asshole hospital where I got my blood tests done and told me to get in touch with the women's clinic there and tell them my problem because I need a full "work-up" to check for like fibroids, cysts or endometriosis. I never liked the words or phrase "work-up" in regards to medical and I like them even less when they refer to my lady parts. If there's a "minimum" that I can endure, I will ask for it. I swear, these days, I feel like no one has respect for examining the body of a virgin. It's like they just want us to fucking suck it up and get through it like we've had dildos or other shit in our pussies before and that it shouldn't hurt. No bitch. NO! If I can avoid a transvaginal ultrasound and surgery, I will. They can do some other shit. I'm not going to get my hymen broken prematurely because of them trying to dig something up my fucking pussy. And I will be defensive as shit and guarded when that time comes for them to order labs for my painful cramps. If I really have to, I'll suffer for the rest of my life ( however long that is ) and stick to extra-strength pain meds, whether I have anything serious or cancerous or not. My death wish is pretty much coming back anyway and I'm almost sure that I'll be spending an eternity in Hell. There's no way God can possibly forgive me for the way I've been behaving lately to my mom and everything. He's probably pissed AF with me right now and I don't blame him. I'll go from one hell to another Hell when I die. I was trying, really trying not to let her bitch ass get to me, and to not fight with her but it hasn't been working lately.

Anyway, I digress. When we got to the office, their chairs were crazy spaced out but I took the seat next to Eddie while the other guys just sat in solo chairs that were spaced out. There was no one there anyway. Not until after we had already come out. I filled out the patient history/information forms like they always make you do at your first visit to a doctor's office ( God I hate having to write down all my damn pills and the dosage and reason. I never have enough room on one side ). I had only finished one page before they called me back, Christian & Eddie going with me. I told the latter he could come in beforehand so yeah. Ugh! I had to let them take my weight and I always promise myself I'm not going to look, but like a bitch, I just had to ( especially after watching my 600lb life and resolving not to weigh as much as some other girl did by the end of her weight loss -- thankfully I weigh much less. Whew! I dodged that bullet ). Christian & Eddie stood leaning against the open office door while I finished filling out the forms and I sat there and let them take my stupid blood pressure. I don't know what it was since I didn't peek, but I told the stupid nurse or whatever about my issue for being there and they were originally going to do a pelvic exam, but I refused of course unless it was necessary for my issue. And it was stupid AF for them to ask for a urine sample to make sure I don't have any STDs when I'm a fucking virgin, but I had to piss anyway after all the Snapple I drank so I figured, whatever I'd do it. Of course when I need to piss for a test, I never actually can, especially if I hover, but at least I managed to give them a minimum amount after trying a while. Eddie & Christian were waiting outside the bathroom for me and then I went into this "patient holding" room and made small talk with this other girl that had been in the bathroom too. Never thought they had a bathroom with two stalls for urine collection, but I guess there's a first for everything. After they called me back, they didn't even tell me a damn thing about the result, they just took me to an exam room where Eddie stood right beside my chair, leaning against the wall, and Christian lingered near the wall by the door. Of course, they thought I was going to do a pelvic exam and told me to undress from the waist down, and it's really not a nice thing to walk into an exam room with the stirrups already spread open and a paper gown sitting on the table. It really makes you feel uncomfortable. I told them though that I would only be doing it if it was necessary to my issue so they backed off. The sight of the vaginal ultrasound machine with that probe out and everything wasn't reassuring either. Yeah, no way in hell would I allow that. So, like I said before, the dumb lady came in and told me she couldn't do anything for me, Eddie & Christian watching our exchange, Eddie looking from her to me and then back again.

Again, it was a waste of time. Buck, of course, caring about me, immediately approached Eddie all serious-face as we walked out and asked what the doctor said ( I honestly don't think she was a real doctor but what do I know? ). Eddie told him and Christian told Dom & Damon. Buck was, of course, disappointed that I would have to go somewhere else, and Damon was also disappointed and pissed at them, offering to kick their asses for me as usual. Thanks, Damon! Really. Actually, that could be interesting in my story. He's always wanted to kill for me or beat the shit out of people for me. Fun fun fun! But could he evade the cops? Maybe. Hyde could've. Damon would be smart enough to cover his tracks, but there will definitely have to be a jail scene in the story, at least one, but of course, it could get really serious for him and he might need to call on the powers that be to erase what he did and give him a second chance but if he blows that one. . .well then he's pretty much in prison and ends up there by the end of the novel. I haven't really decided yet how it will end. I definitely want it to be a series, but I'm still outlining the first book of that Tulpa & Me AU series.

Sorry, got off track again. Anyway, I had to use this piece of paper they gave me to fan myself because of how damn hot it was in there while I called for my ride. And it was cute how Christian & Dom just stood leaning against the wall between the bathroom and the back office talking quietly to each other, and even more cute seeing Eddie & Buck leaning against the wall too ( Eddie's back to the door and facing me, Buck facing forward ), their arms crossed over their chest, watching the news on the TV in the waiting room. Damon was just standing nearby me and apologizing for them being of no help to me. I love watching them like that! I never used to pay much attention to their location when we went out in the past, but I've been doing it a lot recently and its helped me visualize them better. It's just a challenge keeping track of 5 guys at once sometimes.

So Wednesday night, my mom wasn't home yet and it was just me and my beotch aunt ( who had been on the floor for like 3 days because she can't walk and seriously, I still don't know how my mom could be so fucking stupid -- well, yes I do, she got that COVID poison after all -- as to let her come and stay with us and believe her lies that she could get around on her own ) and me and the guys are in my room just finishing watching an episode of Dr. Pimple Popper and then I hear someone banging on the front door. Well, I hear our dachshund/chihuahua mix, Grace, bitching them out with her bark ( lol because that's what dachshunds do ) and then I hear the banging and I get up to go and answer the door, actually assuming its the fucking fire department and that she or someone else called them. Turns out it's some fucking Sheriff and I nearly shit myself thinking "uh-oh, what did I do now?" I sure haven't been threatening any government officials lately. He says he got an anonymous tip that someone here needed medical attention. For a split second, I actually started to panic and I was really hoping like hell that someone wasn't accusing me of needing medical attention otherwise I was going to raise hell refusing and kicking and screaming and biting and scratching. So of course it's for my aunt. We still don't know who the fuck gave them permission to do it or even called dispatch ( despite the bullshit denial of my other aunt and her husband back in Florida ), but the sheriff like stood there at the door asking her questions and then he finally resorted to calling the fire department/medics. And GOD, why can't any of them actually look like Buck or Eddie? Where have all the hot AF firefighters/medics gone? I mean, seriously, what does a girl have to do to get wet or aroused around here? It's fucking ridiculous. And I really wish I hadn't given my fucking name to that sheriff. Like as soon as I asked him if he needed my name, I instantly fucked myself over. It's none of his business after all. Don't ask, don't tell. Snitches get stitches. Christian and Eddie were trying to get me to go back into my bedroom and mind my own business, Eddie even hanging onto my hand as firmly as he could while I tried to break free ( he was like: "Amy, don't." ) but you know me, I like to be nosy and shit, I wanted to peek and see if any of the firefighter/medics were decent looking if not hot. Of course, they weren't. DAMN! One of these days, I'm getting a stack of one-dollar bills, and when I finally see one up in here, I'm just going to be like

🤣🤣 Yeah. . .for real. It's a good thing my mom came when she did so that she could deal with them and I wouldn't have to. Chances are I would've said some shit about them getting all bent out of shape about the mess and mountain of shit in the living room ( not literal shit, just junk ). They always gotta say something, but it's not my mess. It's my mom's shit from storage that she has no space for anymore so it's like a hoarder's nest sometimes. My room is clean compared to that. At least I have a path to walk and it's fairly organized. It's clutter, clutter, clutter around my room but it's organized clutter, an "organized mess." That's what fucking Colin Egglesfield said once. Dickwad. Still, he raised a good point back then. My mom told me they said it was a "fire hazard" and I told her she should've said: "Your mom's pussy is a fire hazard." 🤣🤣 I know Buck & Eddie would probably think the same thing about all that stuff. I've actually heard that phrase from them before, but eventually, they just let it go and got used to it. So yeah, they took my aunt to the hospital, and now I've been free of her for four days now so WOO HOO! I don't think she's coming back here anytime soon, which is even more awesome. She's looking for a rest home or something. At least until she can get her ass back to Florida. Seriously, though, I knew this shit would happen. It happened the last time she visited. Both Chris and her ended up in the hospital. Deja vu anyone? Speaking of which. . .I don't know what to think about him anymore, honestly. I feel kind of bad for him, especially being that he had his leg amputated, and for my mom since she says he hasn't spoken a word in a week. He has some kind of infection that causes him to just be mute, staring off into space and whatnot, and apparently, the antibiotics they give him doesn't work. I hate to say I told you so, but that hospital he goes to nearly killed me once when I had an inflamed gallbladder that they didn't even fucking investigate with my excruciating pain. They are the worst of the worst and if they ever lifted a finger to help anyone, I would probably die of shock. I just feel really bad for Chris and I never do, but lately, I really do feel bad for my mom and for him not knowing what's going on or anything or if he's ever going to get better or become lucid again. I hate to say it, but in his condition, he should be in hospice.

Anyway, moving on, I can't even go to that women's clinic until November because that's when they have an appointment with a female gyno for me and lately, I've been getting cramps again when I'm not on my period. Ugh! I was also supposed to have a job interview with TJ Maxx on Friday, but I did the fucking stupid thing and applied for these jobs without realizing that I still don't have appropriate interview shoes. How the fuck can I go for a job interview there or even anywhere else without the right shoes? That's the one thing I should've asked for my birthday. All I have are boots, sneakers, and sandals -- no real dress shoes.

So yeah, I just had to cancel and tell the guy I didn't have a ride, and he said he would let me know again when he has a spot open. . .or something. I don't know, I don't remember. My memory sucks ass. Eddie said he wishes he could buy me some dress shoes. So that ship sailed. I still have an interview with Ross later this week, but even then, I don't know what the hell I'm going to do about shoes.

Eddie & Buck have been giving me neurological exams lately, especially when they think I'm losing it or something when I'm just tired and saying random shit. When I get tired, I get "drunk" tired. I think they're just trying to be funny. Mostly they've been checking me because of my throat that's been hurting and even though the doctor switched my blood pressure meds, I still have a dry cough too. I'm definitely going to have to tell them about this. Eddie told me to check the "side effects" to see if that might be what's causing it, but I'm almost sure it is. It hurts when I say certain words/consonants or change the tone of my voice to a higher pitch ( like it just did ). Bleh! They've both looked at my ears, felt my glands, shined their light in my mouth and my eyes, and even tested my hand-eye coordination and listened to my lungs. Of course, they both said that my lungs are clear and that I sound fine, that my throat definitely appears to be a little sore and Eddie says I should get my ears cleaned out again but my glands aren't swollen and my eyes and neuro responses are good. Eddie thinks it might be allergies too, but I should check to make sure they aren't side effects from the meds. At least they haven't put me on a monitor or an oxygen mask lately. I've noticed lately that sometimes when I'm lying down with my eyes closed in front of my laptop, Eddie will reach out and check my pulse. It's really sweet. Hell, sometimes Buck will even do it too. And when I'm sick or not feeling good and I say I'm going to die, they say, "not on our watch."

So being that there was no fucking Eddie or Buck in tonight's episode of 9-1-1. . .SO FUCKING STUPID, I don't have to update about that but I'm sure I'll probably be creaming my panties come next week. 😉 So Sunday, we went to church as usual. I was partially afraid that God wouldn't want me there because of how I've been behaving lately, but one of the men working there advised me that those thoughts came from the "enemy," AKA, the Devil, and not me. That the Devil was getting into my head. This was after the sermon, by the way. But I went anyway, and this time, I actually got to sit next to my guys. Well, Eddie came and sat down to my right, my mom on my left -- me, Eddie, Buck, Christian, and Dom. Then Damon at the end of the next row behind them. I'm telling you, every time I go to church, I feel like the pastor's sermon is specifically chosen for me at the time and what I'm currently going through as far as God & Jesus. In the words of Olive Penderghast, "isn't that always the way?" Tell me that isn't a coincidence. It's like all the other Holy signs I've been getting lately through the music that plays on my Spotify, or the things I watch on TV. God is truly speaking to me through the media I consume. He has to be. Like they say, once is a coincidence, and two is a pattern. I took my notes in my Sermon Journal as usual, and then, because the fucking whore mosquitos haven't been leaving my mom and me alone with all the bites we've been getting and how much we've been itching, I went as far as to pray to God & Jesus the night before asking for them to keep them away from us and not to let us get any more bites. It's making my life miserable. I've never gotten bitten this much before in my whole fucking life or even itched this much. I have like 10 bites on one fucking leg and I'm so desperate to call my dermatologist for a solution for the itching and to repel them. If I had money, I swear I'd be buying one of those mosquito nets and putting it over my bed every night, maybe leaving it there just as it is. I managed to fall asleep the night before, but then, as trivial as it was, I asked for a couple of the men who worked there to say a prayer for getting rid of the mosquitos and keeping them away. I also implied my worries about how I'd been behaving lately and hoped God wasn't mad at me. The sermon helped ease my worries though, along with this guy Kelly. I think that was his name. Who knows. But yeah, the guys (Dom, Christian, Eddie, Buck & Damon) just hung back and waited by the bookcase in that room while I sat there talking to that guy. When I was done, the guys walked out with me, Eddie of course checking in with me and asking if I was okay and if I felt better. Buck commented that I was talking to that guy for a long time. We found my mom waiting outside the building for me and then we left.

Since I brought a bag of books along that I already read and wanted to contribute to the Little Free Libraries around town, my mom drove me around in search of some. We stopped at like 4 different ones because I had 5 books with me, and I found 4 new books of my own in exchange. One of them I had been to before, and the others were new places. I love those little things and seeing which styles people use and where they put them. The guys, of course, lingered as I traded my books and browsed the others in the boxes. The first little library I had been to before and it had this really cool Big Bad Wolf statue outside for Halloween. He was wearing a plaid shirt and that thing was huge! 🤣 Definitely looks like something that Klaus Mikaelson would have in his front yard. 🤣 I left this John Wayne quote book I'd won in a Goodreads giveaway along with Stuff You Should Know by Josh Clark & Chuck Bryant and I took this interesting-looking one called Swamplandia! by Karen Russell. It looked like it might be set in a NOLA setting and since crocodiles are my spirit animal, the cover interested me too. The next one I went to had a lot of romance novels and some magazines in it and it was almost full. I found a Susan Mallery book titled, Two of a Kind and left Meet Me In Paradise by Libby Hubscher. The next little library was nearly full too ( someone left the 1st and 3rd Fifty Shades books that I already have, along with The Guest List, which I already have and I found it awesome that someone else left from the Book of the Month club ) but I found an interesting-looking thriller book called Friend Request by Laura Marshall and left The Final Girl Support Group by Grady Hendrix. And like an idiot, I didn't check that book for pieces of paper that I might have slipped under the cover and ended up leaving that printout I got from the women's clinic INSIDE OF IT!! The one with my first and last name, my insurance name, and possibly my address and phone number too.

Yeah, I'm a fucking idiot. Not remembering until hours later. And there's no getting it back now. Maybe the fact that it was in a more wealthy neighborhood isn't so bad. At least that gives me a little comfort. I left it in that Final Girls Support Group book. Eddie's like: "Why didn't you look inside it first?" Cause I'm stupid...obviously. The last little library I nearly had to trek up a hill to considering where my mom parked. It was a tiny one and not much selection there, but I did find On Writing by Stephen King, which I had been wanting to read for a while and I left Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen in its place. So that was the end of my book haul.

After that, my mom decided to stop at this damn yard sale for this old estate. I was tempted to stay in the car, but I just had to get down and waste my time. I should've known there wouldn't be any good shit left. I mean, I love vintage shit and even stuff from old estates that could possibly be haunted, but still. . .it was a waste of time. It was kinda hot and I hated even walking around the corner to the damn estate itself. I mean, we weren't walking a mile or anything, but in the heat. . .yeah, I'd rather not. And Eddie is just like telling me "a little walking will do you some good" and reminding me about those walks he, Buck & I were going to start taking and to think of this as our first walk. 🙄 Whateves. I know Buck isn't in that gif, but just pretend he's off to the other side of me and I'm Shannon. 😉 I like using gifs that relate to what I'm talking about and show my Tulpas, but again, I digress. So me and the guys walked around that huge yard full of dusty and dirty ass junk, but I didn't find anything worth keeping even if they said everything was free. Free but of no use or interest to me. There were a lot of old, dirty teddy bears, stuffed animals and Christmas decorations and piles of clothes but nothing worth keeping. Damon did find an old dusty, broken dirty "vintage" doctor bag though. No thanks. I also told my spirits to invite any new spirits that were lingering around there back home with us if they seemed nice enough. I mean, there had to be since that house looked like it was built in like the early 1900s. I'm pretty sure the spirits from Kmart, some of them anyway, followed me home when I stopped working there. Don't know if any actually did come home with me, because how would I know? Kat might know though if I were to take pictures of my room. She's said to me that there are a lot more spirits here than there used to be. Yeah, I bet. Anyway, there was only so long I could stay out there walking around in that sandy yard, even if most of it was in the shade. It was still hot as balls and you know and the guys know that with my hyperhidrosis, I sweat my ass off way more and easier than other people so I was ready to leave after like 10 or 15 minutes. It took my mom fucking long enough. I don't know why she was bothering. Her and fucking thrift stores and yard/estate sales. . .I swear. Like she doesn't have ENOUGH shit piled up everywhere. There were still a good amount of people there just browsing, even though they were pretty much done for the day ( even for it being 2 pm). I could tell Eddie & Buck were starting to get concerned about me by the looks they were giving me, being out there in that heat sweating, and standing around waiting for my mom to finish looking. She told me to go find a spot to sit down under the trees where it was shady, so we found a backless wooden bench under the trees, looked like someone had built it. I sat down and Damon sat beside me to my left and Buck to my right while Eddie, Christian, and Dom just stood there beside us waiting. Eventually, my mom finished and we headed out. I did a good deed by opening the car door for this lady because she had to put glass in her passenger's seat.

After we finished there, my mom took me to ALDI so I could get some groceries. She didn't get down, but of course, the guys went in with me as I shopped. Glad they had my fruit snacks this time and I got a shitload of jerky. Buck was like: "How many bags of jerky are you getting?" 🤣 Sorry not sorry. That Aloha Teryaki jerky is my crack. I got my orange juice. I get like at least two of everything. Got my crab, which I couldn't find at first because it was hiding, got my spray cheese, got my prosciutto, and of course, Christian & Eddie were wanting me to look at the sodium count before I even put anything into the cart. 🙄🙄 These two. . .I can't with them. I look at the box and they're like: "Ohh -- no." Pfft! I swear. I mean, of course, the crab meat and prosciutto and jerky have high sodium content but they don't seem to get my damn case about that stuff. . .unless of course Eddie checks my stupid blood pressure and notices I'm in the 140/90 range, claiming its what I'm eating. 🙄 He always says not to go overboard with that stuff. . ."everything in moderation." Of course, I hadn't taken my meds before I got home and had to lug like four or five bags in, which really took a lot out of me and nearly had Buck bringing me the oxygen mask. Eddie instantly had me sit down and catch my breath, checking my pulse and insisting I was tachycardic and having runs of A-Fib. As annoying as it is sometimes, I can't help but love his concern when I push myself too much. Christian was not happy, of course, and demanded I take my meds that minute so I did as he wanted and yeah, felt better soon.

Later that night, which was probably more to do with me eating like two whole bags of that Aloha jerky, I started getting chest pains, but I didn't want Eddie & Buck to hook me up to the heart monitor with those damn electrodes so we just compromised on them putting me on a pulse ox and watching my levels, but they didn't like how my oxygen was looking. Like we don't already know that it drops when I'm lying down. Eddie had Buck elevate my head with a pillow, but it didn't do much good and they wanted to treat me with some oxygen but I refused. I used the phrase "refusing treatment" again and that didn't make them happy but they left it alone. Eventually, I had both a headache and chest pain and again, Eddie insisted that I let Buck put me on some oxygen, that it would help, just for a little while. As much as I really didn't want to, he told me I had the choice of either painkillers or oxygen and asked me how I wanted to be treated. I gave in and finally chose the damn oxygen so I scooted to the end of the bed like Buck told me and he put on the oxygen mask. I was lying there for a little while with it on while they watched my monitor and of course, my oxygen level improved, but I didn't want it on for very long. Despite what Eddie says, I swear I feel like a freak and probably look like one every time they put that damn thing on me. I've said that before, haven't I? He still says: "You're not a freak. You don't look like a freak. It's helping you breathe and giving you oxygen and that's all I care about." You gotta love him, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the feel of it on my face just a little bit. The nearly smothering claustrophobic, sleepy effect is kind of arousing, especially when he's watching my monitor, or they both are, and Eddie is stroking my hair. I probably mentioned that before but the personal attention he and Buck give me and being taken care of like that really does have its perks. When I told them I was feeling better and didn't need the oxygen anymore and Buck was ready to turn it off, Eddie kept asking me if I was sure, but I felt like the headache and chest pain were still lingering. A tiny bit anyway. When he noticed, he said something that nearly made me cream my panties, especially when Buck responded and the way he responded. Eddie gestured to him and was like: "Let her get another breath" and then later, he said, "Let her get a few more breaths."

SWEET BABY JESUS! 😳😳 And then Buck brings the mask to my face, pressing it there and I put my hand over his as he holds it there and I just did what Eddie said and took a few more deep breaths. He just sat there watching and nodding his head at me in approval, glancing back at my monitor every now and then. Fuck. . .I can't with them. Meanwhile, Buck sits there watching me just as intently too and he's like: "There you go, Amy. Just breathe." They take such good care of me, I swear to God.

Today, we didn't do much of anything. I just slept a lot. Had a couple of nightmares as usual. Why do all of my fucking nightmares involve fire? I'm always in a burning building or near a burning building. This time it was a shopping mall within a bookstore. I was running toward the smoke this time because I wanted to save my personal things. But fire again? That's not very reassuring for someone who's working on their Christianity. You have no idea how much I want Buck or Eddie or even both of them to appear and carry me out of there, oxygen mask on my face and all. This time I woke up and I swear I could still smell the sulfur in my nostrils. It wasn't a nice thing. I hope to God this wasn't a prophetic dream. It definitely puts the fear of Hell in me. Maybe its God's way of trying to get me to stay on the straight and narrow. . . as they say. Or it could be The Devil again. I'll have to consult with my spiritual advisor next Sunday. But Buck and Eddie were right next to me when I woke up, and they asked if I wanted to talk about it, but I didn't. I eventually did tell them it was a fire though and how I could still smell the sulfur in my nostrils. They assured me that it was just a dream and offered to give me some oxygen as a comfort measure, saying that's exactly what they would do in that event, put me on some oxygen. I eventually gave in and took a few breaths from the mask just to make myself feel better. They had put me on some oxygen earlier today when I was lying down on my bed. Apparently, my oxygen was like 90% and 91% so Eddie wasn't having that. He was like: "Buck, get her on the 0² now!" Buck, of course, did, pressing it to my face like he always does and telling me to "breathe." My face kept getting hot though so I pulled it away every now and then, even though Eddie wasn't happy about it. I told him I just needed to breathe regular air for a little while. He said: "Regular room air isn't enough for you right now. You need to stay on the mask." 🙄 As usual, he waits until the pulse ox alarm goes off ( indicating I'm at 93% or less ) before he resorts to grabbing the mask and putting it over my nose and mouth again. But at least he gives me that time to breathe a little without it. God, why does it turn me on so much when he does that? Even when he says: "Okay, this is going back on." Damn. So yeah, I just let him do it and secretly enjoy it. Then later on, I fell asleep again and had another nightmare, this one with Carrie covered in blood and trying to scare and stab me when I was at my grandparent's house and my cousins were there. Buck thought it was appropriate for Halloween. 🙄 No.

So it's after 4 AM now and I guess it's time for bed. Pffft! Buck's turn to sleep next to me tonight. Last night it was Christian. I'm trying hard not to tell Buck or Eddie about my sudden chest pain fight now for fear they'll take out the oxygen mask again. No. Shhhh! Keep it on the DL. Night!