You know, despite Damon's complaining, I was seriously considering booking another Zoom call with Colin for Monday or Tuesday of next week, even though that money should stay in there for my name change but then I thought. . .what the hell am I doing this for? Like what's the purpose of me needing to talk to him? Other than maybe to ask him what the hell that whole coaching thing was about in the first 40 minutes of the other call. I mean, even though he was an ass to me, I still want to talk to him just for the sake of talking, like two old friends catching up, but would he see that as a relevant reason for a Zoom session? And stupid me went and emailed him (when I should've just stayed mute) to tell him that I want to book one but I don't even know what we would talk about unless he just wants to chat for the sake of chatting, because I would totally love that. Honestly, right now, I'm just like, who cares. What's the point? Damon is like: "You don't need to subject yourself to that verbal abuse. He's not worth it." Christian, although he finds Colin "wise," says for me not to waste my money. I mean, if I had "stupid-money" as Colin called it, I probably would just book it for the hell of it and assume we would find something to talk about, but yeah, I need to be wiser with my spending right now and this isn't essential right now. Unless Colin can give me a reason why I should book another session. I already know what he's going to come back with in response to my email. Something like "I thought you wanted my help with getting your story written" or "I thought you wanted me to help you reach your goal in life." Something like that. And then I'll be at a loss for how to reply back and I'll just probably ignore it and let it sit in my Inbox for days. Yeah, I don't know what to do right now. With my life or Colin. Damon's right, I don't need to be subjected to anymore verbal abuse.
I did another tarot reading today and this is really starting to freak me out. The Ace of Pentacles came up for the third time in a row! WTF? This isn't a coincidence anymore. Every reading about him has produced that card. It means: "Firm Financial Foundations" and from what I can gather, its emphasizing the fact that Colin is part of my journey to become a success as far as my career ventures go. It flops between the past and the future in the readings but it still comes up. And this is the second time that the "Despair/Nightmare" (9 of swords) card came up ( 3rd if you count the other deck where it came up in the last reading I did ). My question was: What can I expect from the next Zoom call between me & Colin? Whether its that question or the question about the future of our relationship, the message in the cards seems to come across the same every time. To sum it up: Colin is here to help me in my business/career and journey in life, but because I'm so resistant and set in my ways, there is conflict ahead, anxiety, and stress, unless I am willing to work through it and change my ways in life. How fucking creepy ironic and accurate is that? Using The Rider Tarot deck, he came up as The Hierophant & King of Wands in my 5 card spread. Well, it was supposed to be a 5 card spread but a 6th card jumped out and it was another representation of Colin, The King of Wands. The Gypsy deck turned up some interesting cards:
Enemy ( my outlook of Colin? )
Sighs ( plenty of those from me )
Joyfulness ( we share some laughter )
Milady ( ??? )
Death ( death of old ways/relationship??? )
I don't know where the hell the last two came from or what they mean, but I never like seeing the "Death" card. If its meaning is anything like in the Rider deck, it probably means the death of old ways and the beginning of new ones. Milady. . .no clue. It shows a man in a bed looking sickly. Who knows. I really wish there was a damn booklet with interpretation of each card.
This was the spread I did previously where I asked what the future held in store for my relationship with Colin:
See what I mean? Some of the same cards! Two different questions but the same subject. Coincidence? I think not! Even the "Death" card came up there too. The 2nd card in the Gypsy deck is the Priest. . .it makes sense to me now that that represented Colin like The Hierophant in the Rider deck. The 1st card in the Gypsy deck is Reunion and the last card is the Despair card. Crazy, huh?
Ugh! I'm so tired right now. Maybe I'll take a nap. Christian is FTFO because I'm completely out of one of my heart medications and we're waiting for my doctor's office to call to let me know that my electrophysiologist approved another refill. He's scared that I'm going to end up going into A-Fib and won't have my medication to prevent it. *sigh* Well if it happens, it happens, but I'll be damned if I'm going to go to that "mortuary" and let the doctors and nurses kill me like everyone else. No more hospitals for me EVER AGAIN! They force that torturous test on you and suffocate you with their face diapers. No fucking way! If I'm dying, I'm going to die with dignity. . .at home. Hopefully, my medical team can keep me in a normal sinus rhythm using their spiritual powers. Christian is also pissed because I lost my vital monitoring watch, and he insists he needs to keep an eye on my vitals still. I've been trying to wiggle my way out of getting my bedtime heart check, but last night, I caved and let him take a listen. Even this morning, when he heard me coughing, he insisted on taking a quick listen to my lungs but I just let him do his thing. I think I'll be okay though because the pharmacy said they could give me an emergency refill for the weekend so. . .yeah.
Maybe it's best if I just forget about Colin entirely. He rarely replies to my emails and if he does, he takes fucking forever, I don't have the money right now to be shelling out for another session and what the fuck am I going to talk to him about? Other than the tarot card readings. I could talk to him about that, but he probably won't care or he'll think I'm weird---okay Amy, shut the fuck up about Colin! Like Elle Woods in "Legally Blonde: The Musical," I say: "Okay, I'm even irritating myself." Yeah, I seriously am. Shut the fuck up Amy! God! Get over him! Forget about him! Get him out of your head! Daniel is 10x the man he'll ever be. You know, when Daniel isn't being an asshole too. Ain't nothing Colin can do that will make him better than Daniel. NO. WAY. Colin doesn't even deserve to breathe the same air as Daniel Gillies. Looks-wise. . .Daniel is a 10. Colin is an 8. Personality-wise, they're both a 4. I would've given Colin one more point if it weren't for his rude and immature "mocking," which is just as bad as Daniel's immaturity, arrogance & sarcasm. Seriously, no more talk of Colin. In fact, I don't even want to hear that name again. If I can help it. I'm annoying myself so fucking much, I want to slap the shit out of me. Lol!
Today is my mom's birthday. I miss the days when she used to go to Benihana for her free dinner and would take me with her, but now she doesn't go there anymore. Even so, they probably make their fucking chefs and everyone wear those damn face diapers so why would I want to go there? The good thing is, they probably don't make you sit near anyone. Or maybe they just do take-out now. Shit, I'd even go to Islands again if I could.
And yeah, I'm done for now.
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