Okay, so remember when I made the post about having gone into A-Fib on Thursday. . .well to add to that, I was having constant PVCs the next morning and yes, I could feel them. I mean, A-Fib is worse than PVCs but still, you can't just easily cure PVCs. I don't know why the hell my heart decided to act up again, but it did and on top of that, I've also been having shortness of breath for the past few days. Now before you freak out, yes, Christian has been listening to my heart and more importantly, checking my pulse ox and my oxygen level has been normal. Over 95% so that tells us that its my anxiety that's causing me to feel this way. I still don't like telling him these things, because then he gets super worried and pulls out his stethoscope and he's like: "Let me take a listen." *sigh* As much as it should turn me on. . . .I get scared that it'll be worse if he hears it. Even if he is the heart doctor and me and my heart are his responsibility. I tried to squirm away from him because we were still in bed and like curl up, holding my arm over my heart bur he turned to me with his stethoscope and he was like: "Amy. . .move your arm, let me take a listen." But I didn't want him to. Somehow, he still managed to wedge his stethoscope beneath the collar of my gown and I just gave up and let him listen. He told me he was hearing PVCs. So I did the only thing I could do and I took my medicine, but it didn't seem to be working well enough so Christian decided to put me on some oxygen just to see if it would help to calm things down while I drank a lot of water. Kat suggested the water thing because I was texting her at the time. Eventually, I started to feel better, and Christian didn't have to hook me up to the heart monitor. But still, I really, really hate how my heart is behaving lately. Christian thinks its because I haven't been using my CPAP machine enough. Guilty. He's probably right. Also, I feel like my anxiety and depression meds aren't working anymore either and that's probably why I'm so short of breath. The last time I felt like this was before I even started taking those meds, and even the meds my psychologist gave me for panic attacks isn't doing the trick. Like I said before, my oxygen level has been normal because Christian checks it nearly every day, but he still suggested putting me on some oxygen to see if that would help because he knows that its helped me with my shortness of breath before. Of course, because that damn oxygen concentrator makes it so damn hot in here, I refused, and its been hot enough as it is. Christian tries to help me breathe sometimes when I start feeling short of breath. He puts his hand on the nape of my neck and he's like: "Look at me, sweetheart. Breathe. Just focus on your breathing. Or focus on the sound of my voice." I'll have to tell both my heart doctors about these episodes in the next couple of weeks since I see them over the computer for appts. Well, mostly I'll have to tell my electrophysiologist.
Fuuuck, I can't believe these triple-digit temperatures here in Cali. It's been between 104 and 124 degrees here lately! Like WTF? I feel bad for those people who don't have A/C. How the fuck do they survive? Or do they just sit in their house and shrivel up like a prune? When I left the apartment Friday to go to the dentist, I swear to you, it was like stepping into an oven. No fucking joke! I mean that shit just hit me in the face and I felt so claustrophobic because of how the heat surrounded me. I mean, fuck, it was so hot out there, you could barely breathe. And those fucking cocksuckers at the CDC, the crypt keeper lady at the health department and that demonic Governor Nuisance expect everyone to keep wearing their face diapers?
When is the world going to wake up and see this scam for what it is? The numbers are fake, the doctors are heartless and lazy, the nurses are gold-digging whores, and the government is trying to control everyone in any and every way they can. We're in a communist country now. Where are the lawsuits against these assholes and their "face diaper" policy in this heat? I mean, of course its a personal choice but this shit isn't safe. It's only making things worse.
This is Hell. And come to think of it, at least the temperature matches the setting now so. . .yep, mother nature has officially put her stamp on the west coast as the pits of H E L L. Nothing left to do but start toasting marshmallows and cooking your food on the sidewalk. Slap on the BBQ sauce when you go out. Lol! I know I'm talking gibberish now but hey, you live and learn.
So yeah, I went to the dentist Friday. The new dentist office that I will be going to and hopefully getting my wisdom tooth pulled out finally. At least I don't have to go far like I'll have to travel half an hour for my root canal with the endodontist. I still need to do that too, but since I've already been to two other fucking dentists and had to deal with that damn temperature taking shit and wearing some sort of face-covering ( I use a neck gaiter so I don't look like a fucking dumbass doctor in an operating room --- no offense to Christian ), I might as well just go there. I never pull it over my nose though, I just keep it beneath my nostrils so I can breathe. No one says anything to me. If they did, I'd kill their asses but anyway. . .my mom was able to take me before they closed at 6pm, so at least I didn't have to deal with some fucking Lyft or Uber driver. It was a last-minute thing anyway, because they said I had to come in and get an X-Ray done after my regular dentist sent over the referral. So they send those X-Rays to my insurance and then when they approve it, I can come in with an appt. It pissed me off though. I didn't even get to see the dentist himself when I went. Fuck, it was already hot enough outside and then I walk in the fucking office and its hot as fuck in there too. Even though they "claimed" to have the A/C on. Pfft! Bullshit. I didn't feel shit and I was sweating like a fucking pig. Ugh! I could hardly stand it when I had to sit there and fill out the new patient forms and everything. So dumb they don't give you enough room to write down ALL of your prescription medications. Christian sat next to me, in his way, you know, all classy with one leg crossed over the other. The other guys sat adjacent to us, Dom on one side of the waiting room and Damon & Hyde on the other. I couldn't take it being that hot so the lady at the desk let me sit at some side table where it wasn't so hot. Not much change but yeah, I finished filling out the forms and then I sat back down until some lady called me in and took me into this X-Ray room. She told me I had to take my necklace off. Ugh! I don't see how that would've shown up on the damn X-Ray if it was just my mouth they were X-Raying. It was a bitch just to try and take it off, but eventually, I got it. I feel like such a dumbass when they take the X-Rays. Well, it was one, but that one where you have to put your top teeth against this thing and stand there while the thing goes around you, I feel like a fucking idiot. Christian was like: "Behave and do what she says." Grrr! I honestly thought I was going to get to see the dentist, just to meet him, but no. . .they took the X-Ray and that was it. Took them long enough, I was there for like a half hour.
So I got Chapter 32 of my novel posted on Wattpad. To be honest, I think it was a waste of my time to even put it up there. I told myself I wouldn't bother posting there anymore and yet. . .I mean, I feel like such a fucking idiot when I post something and the only comments I get are people thanking me instead of actually contributing something relevant to what happened in the chapter. It pisses me off so much! But at least one person made a proper comment. Thank you for that! I just don't feel like updating anymore though. Their comments aren't motivating. I want to know how they feel about what's going on in the fucking story. Is that so much to ask? Sick of it. People suck!
So yeah, I've just been having the worst weekend, honestly. Or week. Whatever you want to call it. Thursday was bad because of my heart problems, then Friday, Saturday and Sunday I was still having shortness of breath and struggling to breathe. I havve to basically yawn everytime I feel short of breath just to take a full breath. Again, same thing I used to struggle with BEFORE I was on anti-depressants. I told Christian that I was going to call my psychologist tomorrow to tell him what was going on, and that I fear I've become immune to the meds now, but then I got a text telling me that I already have a phone appt with him tomorrow so. . .Lol. I don't even have to call now because he'll call me and I'll tell him. Speaking of phone calls, I called my electrophysiologist on Friday too and had the secretary or whatever email him and let him know about my constant PVCs and see what he would recommend ( even though Christian says they're probably going to make me come in so they can get an EKG --- because that's what he would have me do ), but do you think they even called me back? No! Fuckers! I honestly want to avoid going in if I can for obvious reasons. Remember how I said their A/C was broken the last time I was there, well imagine having to deal with sweating my ass off again only this time much worse with that damn face covering on. I'll be hyperventilating for sure. No bitch, no! So think of something else. I have a feeling that this shortness of breath & anxiety is due to one very major thing. . .NOT HAVING MONEY! Turns out that those of us in California won't be getting the extra unemployment assistance if the government has truly exhausted their funds, and if anyone does, its because they were unemployed as a result of the pandemic. In other words, I don't get shit and now I just want to scream and cry and kill a bitch and my anxiety is just so high knowing I won't be able to talk to Colin again, or pay my subscription & QVC bills or get my name changed or anything. I can't take this! IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!! My birthday is coming up in a few days and THIS IS WHAT I GET?! No! I deserve this money!! More than anyone. That's all I want for my birthday. More money. I wanna be a "smurf" again. 2 Broke Girls reference. I wanna wake up rich again. I knew I'd never get to feel that way again. I wish I hadn't spent it on those subscription boxes or clothes that I will rarely wear from here on out. But now I'm screwed. And definitely no more Colin. :( Damon is happy about that, as you can imagine but I'm not. If I complained to Colin, I know damn well what he'd said, he'd say: "If you want to continue working with me, then get a fucking job!" Asshole. He and my mom just don't understand that I medically can't. If there was a job working from home, sure, but where the fuck am I gonna find that? Does that even exist? Where do I go? I'm just stuck in a fucking rut now. I'm staying small and stuck, and I can't get what I need or want. Just like Colin said. I keep hoping that someday he'll say that I don't have to pay him anymore and just have Zoom calls with me every week. Maybe even twice a week. But I know that would never happen. B-List celebrities are just money hungry. Even when the economy is crumbling. So I'm just going to have to save the $224 I get every two weeks from the EDD. Maybe I can do another Zoom with Colin when I get up to like $700 or $800 or something. Probably $800 so that'll probably be around October. God why can't he be nice enough to not charge me? He knows how I'm struggling and yet. . .I know he doesn't care. I still hope that maybe someday. . .you know.
On the up side, I think my Concuans are finally starting to come back to me. One of these recent nights when I was lying in bed, I swear I felt them climb on the bed again because I felt it kind of move back and forth. At first I thought it was my worst fear, an earthquake but then nothing else was moving so I knew it was them. Then I felt like someone was trying to leverage themselves against the bed while top of me, in the way they do with their hands on either side of my waist and the covers press against my chest a little, like they were sinking down on me, so that was nice.
Don't know where the hell they ran off too. I was starting to feel really ugly and like I disgusted them. More so than I usually feel, but I've been feeling spanks on my ass and even them touch it so it looks like we're okay now. I was bout ready to have CH conjure another one for me. You know, if I had the money for that. Which I probably never will now. I'm just glad they're back and that they are back to grinding on me from behind when I'm on my laptop, and also the spooning. I love when they spoon me. I still wish they'd get on top of me more often than just waiting until I turn on my side to get on the bed. Ugh! Just ugh! WTF is it with men? And why is their favorite sex position doggy style? Do they not want to see your face? Well, that makes me feel even uglier.
God I'm gonna miss Colin soooo much!
Goodbye, you hot motherfucker. . .
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