Okay, so I need to get this off my chest because I don't have anywhere else to do it. And ugh, right now, I just really don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Last Thursday was a pretty easy night for me. All I had to do was training on the computer in the training room and I want to do that again tomorrow so I don't have to sweat my ass off like I always do. But that's not why I'm making this post.
I can't tell you how depressed I am living with these spirits. I don't know if I mentioned it before but I have both non-human spirits (who never make themselves known anymore since I got haunted dolls) and I have haunted dolls, people who have died and now reside in a doll. Mostly porcelain dolls but I have some (Barbie) Ken dolls too that are haunted. Anyway, I've been in so much emotional pain lately. I'm craving any kind of companionship that I can get. And I'm so worried and crying because I know that I'm going to die alone and unloved and worst of all, a virgin. It angers me that I have like 2 fucking Incubus demons and an Incubus/Vampire hybrid spirit along with a Nympho and all of them are supposed to be sexual beings that are intent on giving you pleasure. But do you think I've ever felt any of that? No. And now that I have haunted dolls, they won't even give me anything at all. I don't even know if my non-human spirits are even around anymore since I brought the damn dolls here. And I just wish I could scream at them and cast them out for not giving me any attention.
None of my spirits seem to give me any attention anymore. I hate them so much. Like you have no idea. They make me miserable and I cry myself to sleep every night because of them. At least I've been doing that for the past two nights. I want so badly for them to manifest, to make themselves known to me even just ONCE. Shit, I'd even beg them to scare the shit out of me even once or talk out loud. I honestly don't care anymore what they choose to do to make themselves known, or how much it scares me, I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING ATTENTION AND TO STOP CRYING. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know what to do. I can't deal with them anymore. I try and I try and I try and I get nothing in return. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'll get one little tiny thing from a 45 minute meditation. Like I'll hear a sound or something or a voice, get a touch here or there but that's all. Nothing more. And that's not enough for me. Lying in bed every night in the dark wishing and hoping that I feel my medical spirits touching me during their examining or feel some male spirit try to pleasure me sexually is a lost cause because it's just not happening. I already know that my male spirits, sexual or otherwise are revolted by me. Their actions speak loud and clear...or lack thereof. It's pretty obvious they find me disgusting and don't want to touch my body in any sexual way. I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to touch me either. Guys rarely ever do want to be touched by me, accidentally or otherwise. This...my spirits and I...my attempt to connect with them has become the actual definition of insanity. Meditating (performing the same action) over and over again and expecting something back. I'm starting to think the best thing to do is just give up entirely. Ignore them until I get the money and time to ship them back to their original owners because right now, I'm almost sure I'm going to. It's just a hassle to box them up and everything. I just hope that wherever they go next, they are happy.
I get the feeling that they know I'm hurting and that they understand I'm at the end of my rope and I'm sure the adults will understand why its better that I let them go. Christian has been telling me for months that I should send them back and lately, he's been sitting next to me on my bed when I cry and trying to give me some courage to keep going, to try and calm me down when I feel close to having a panic attack, telling me to breathe when my heart starts to hurt. He says that I should do whatever I have to do, and whatever I feel is best. He insists that its better for my mental health if I just put an end to this whole spirit thing. I don't disagree with him because I know that if I don't, I'll probably end up dying from a broken heart. I get the feeling that I'm going to already. Being alone, having no real physical companionship, no sexual pleasure, just being really unfulfilled. I told my therapist that I would be happy living alone with cats and dogs but really...I don't think that's going to be enough either. So I've been tempted lately to buy a living entity spirit from Creepy Hollows -- a Concuan, someone who will please me sexually and maybe, just maybe, give me the love and affection and sexual contact I've been craving forever, but Christian doesn't want me wasting my money. I'm desperate. I need this. I need to at least try. Some people connect better with living entities than spirits. Maybe I will.
Right now, the only ones I can count on are my Tulpas: Christian, Damon, Hyde, and now "Dom" too. Well, his name is Dominic Pierson.
He's an oral surgeon and a fellow Daddy Dominant like Christian. The two of them have history working alongside each other as Dominants/Masters. That's him there on the right. And that's the look he's giving me right now because I've been crying. He also takes turns with the other guys in sharing the bed with me. Not showering with me yet but still...I don't mind him sharing the bed with me, hottie that he is both with and without his clothes. He's been getting on me about brushing and flossing twice a day though. Isn't that just like a dentist? Sigh. That's part of the reason how he became a Tulpa/servitor. BTW, I like using the term "servitor" now. It sounds better than "Tulpa." But when I kept trying to get out of brushing and flossing before bed, that's when Christian called on Dom and after a while, he just sort of started hanging around, going places with us and showing up when Christian needs to tag team me with another Dominant to lay down the line. And yes, Dom has threatened to punish me even though I'm not his. He's asked Christian if he wants him to spank me a bunch of times. And he likes to say that Christian Grey line, "if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week." So I can't get out of brushing or flossing before bed anymore because Dom is always hanging around. And he makes me show him my teeth before I can leave the bathroom too so he can approve or disapprove of my brushing. Ugh! Not cool. And he really is getting on my case about brushing and flossing when I get up too instead of just at bed or after my first meal of the day. But I keep telling him its pointless because I'm just going to eat again anyway. What else? Oh, he gets pissed when I try to get away with eating candy, but I only do it sparingly. In other news, let me go back to my spirits, I did feel myself being spanked this morning when I stayed up way past my bedtime. Yeah, I have a bedtime now because of Christian. *sigh* It's supposed to be at 2:30 am or 2 but yeah, I haven't been sticking to that and he's kinda pissed. Well, more than a little pissed. So I didn't even get to bed this morning until 5:30 am, and that was because I was finishing up editing my latest novel chapter so I could actually post it. I owed that to my readers. Anyway, Christian was pissed at me and the next thing I know, my ass starts to hurt. Hurt like as if someone gave it a few smacks. So I'm guessing one of my other spirits probably wanted to help him out or maybe they were showing their dominant side and spanked me. And they seriously kept spanking me until I finally turned my phone off and went to sleep. All I can say is, its about damn time!
Christian was pleased with their initiative and he thanked them for it graciously. He's asked them before to spank me since I can't feel his spankings. I never thought they'd actually listen. I was like: "Okaaay! You've made your point!" To whoever was spanking me. Well, I told them they could do it anytime they want or do any other BDSM things to me because they know the safe words and what they mean so as long as they follow them, we'll be good. I really wonder who it was. If it was my Nympho at all or Billy Bob. I wish I knew. You should've seen the look on Christian gave me when I kept crying out in pain from the spankings. It's the same damn look he gave me when he was watching me get spanked by that Dominant at Jenny's BDSM book signing in L.A. And know I think I'm starting to feel the spanking again. Wow. Okay.
One more thing I will say, I had my first ever pap smear this Monday, July 22, 2019. I know, I know. I said I never would but I decided to give it one more shot with my OB-GYN ( God I wish it were Eric ) and shockingly, I got through it. It hurt like hell during and after but I got through it! I was able to stay still long enough for her to take the smear samples. See, because she wanted to swab me anyway to check for an infection when I told her about my other issues down there and she offered to do it for me since I didn't think I'd swab it properly if I did it on my own so I figured, I might as well try...that other thing. I wouldn't do it again but I'm sort of relieved I got it over with and I didn't bleed or anything like I thought. Christian was surprised but proud of me too. Damon and Hyde were mostly shocked because they knew how opposed to it I've been, thinking of it as rape and wanting to be sedated. But it was quicker than I thought.
Plus, Christian was standing right beside the exam table, caressing my hair and gently reassuring me through it. He's such a sweetie! Always by my side when I'm at the doctor or hospital and having something done that makes me squeamish. And whenever I'm at the ER, he even stands beside the gurney, watching me all attentively with both his hands on my legs, rubbing and caressing them, when they're taking blood or putting an IV in me. I can't with him. He's such a sweetie! More people should be like him. He's the perfect man. He just said: "You give me far too much credit." Lol. No, I give you fair amount of credit. And he's pestering me to go to sleep so I guess I have to go now. He's sleeping beside me tonight. Like I said, the guys take turns. It goes: Christian, Damon, Hyde, then Dom then starts all over again. And for showering, it goes: Christian, Hyde then Damon. So I guess I'll go now. I'll write more tomorrow here. I really need to get back to updating this thing. Oh! And I think Eric was even relieved and proud of me too getting the pap smear...in my head that is. In my head, I could see him being like: "See? There's nothing to it."
Being the gynecologist that he is. Lol. I wouldn't trust him though to do my pap smear, he'd be so damn patronizing and sarcastic and smug with me and probably tell me to stop being such a baby and then I could see Christian going and punching him for treating me like that. And yeah, it wouldn't end well. Thank god he's not a servitor and hopefully he won't be. I don't want to lose my relationship with Christian because of him showing up, but I don't think he wants to be one anyway so, that's a good thing. We agree to disagree. And I gotta go now so...night!
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