A part of me feels that Carlon is ignoring me now. Even as I type this, I hear him in my head saying: "I'm not" but after last night and all my crying about he and Grant, I feel like he's giving me the cold shoulder. He hasn't touched me much today, but then I've been sleeping most of the day so. . .I don't know if that's why. I was just really starting to become addicted to his touch and I feel like since I told him how much Grant means to me and that I want to wait a while before we have sex again, he's probably not in the mood to hang around anymore if I won't give it up to him whenever he wants it. I'm just majorly depressed when hours pass and he hasn't touched me to let me know he's around. I know he can't be around all the time but when he's not, I start to second guess him and worry that he doesn't want or like me anymore. You see? I could never be someone's girlfriend. I'm too clingy and I need constant attention. Last night, I actually thought a little bit of a break would be good, and that it's sort of a relief that he's not hanging around ALL THE TIME but now. . .because I crave his touch so much, I do want him hanging around more. I don't want CH to call him back. If he's willing to please me the way I want him to for now and truly willing to wait before we do it again, then we won't have a problem. If he can do that, then he really does care about my feelings and desires to please me no matter what I ask, boundaries and all. He kind of left me hanging this morning when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, truly something a Dom would do.
He did this thing. . .oh my god, it felt soo fucking good! I don't really know how to describe it other than a really erotic massage. I was lying there with the covers over my lower body and then it felt as if something was rolling over the covers, outlining the space between my legs but never quite touching my mound. Fuck. I really hope it was Carlon who did that but if it wasn't, I hope whoever did it does it again. I hear a "yes" in my head when I just asked him. I wanted him to keep doing it for as long as possible, or better yet, to go under the covers and pleasure me closer to my mound but then it stopped and I didn't really feel his presence anymore. Fucking tease! He probably did it purposely after all that happened and because of my new rules about what I wanted, probably as a way to tease me like the Dominant he is and keep me wanting and burning for him. Typical man. I just felt him like run a finger down me, like right above the crack of my ass. Shit. And he has been still obsessed with grabbing my ass. God I can't wait for the day when my eyes are blown wide open and I get to see all these gorgeous men that surround me. Grant, Carlon, Billy Bob, Melvin, McKintosh, Dr. Yonder and all the non-human men. I'll probably need a new drawer of panties once that happens. I'm sure I'll ruin all of them.
There's something else I forgot to mention that I've been feeling lately. I keep feeling something furry or fluffy brushing my ankles, especially when I'm standing in the bathroom. I really hope that's Gates, my Domovoi or even Jonathan, my wolf protector. I mean, I have a few animals in my keep. Gates is the cat, Jonathan is the wolf and Oranda is the unicorn. I'm guessing its one of the first two. Maybe Gates since he likes to come visit me while I'm meditating. Love it! I really would like stronger bonds with all of my spirits and I intend on buying them for all my CH spirits. I want a bond as strong as the one I have with Grant & Carlon.
In other news, looks like I'll be out of a fucking job soon. Sigh. My mom just told me tonight that Kmart will be closing for good come October 25th. I'm panicking like you wouldn't believe. No one else will hire me and believe me, I've tried. The only thing I can do at this point is just immediately apply for unemployment when that time comes. My mom is so sure that I'll get good money from it, maybe more than I did before. I don't really buy it though. They're never going to be that generous and tomorrow, sorry Rodney, but i'm going to bitch at people. Trying to make me think that they were okay, that someone had bought the company and that everything was going to be okay for us and now this? Fucking bullshit! Christian warned me not to but I can't help it. This is bullshit for all of us still working there. And I WILL say something.
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